How do I Give Her Space When Things Are Going Well?

[maynard]

so im seeing this girl that i have been off an on with for the past 6 months. recently, things have gone well and we had a great weekend

 

one of the problems we had in the past was me pressuring her into committing to me in a serious relationship when she wasnt ready. generally, i was too needy and talked about how i felt too much

 

since we have started up again, i dont want to revert back to my old behavior that pushed her away. i havent so far

 

what is a good way to give space when things are going well?

 

for example, we hung out all weekend. during the week, we usually will text each other. today, i figure i will give her the gift of missing me by not texting her. or possibly extending this to letting her contact me first no matter if it takes couple days. good idea?

 

is space about not contacting all the time and asking to hang out constantly?

it seems that is a big part of it, but am i missing something else in this equation? i know there are some obvious things like not being controlling, but i dont have those issues.

 

thanks for reading

[maynard]

i hope someone has an opinion

 

anyway, today she contacted me and im going over to her place in a few minutes. i dont know. i dont want to push things too fast or be available to her all the time

 

im sure people on here have been in that position where the other person is wishy washy about getting serious. the more you make yourself available, the worse it seems to be

[Yellowboy]

Oh man, this is where I am now as well.

 

I try to play cool, but sometimes I wonder if I am being too distant? That's how I messed up my previous girl, she wanted to take it slow so I was like, ok then let's not meet too often then, and later accused me of being too distant.

 

Now I feel I could be doing the same thing...it's difficult to not come off like I am needy, and at the same time, not to be too distant either.... grrr....

[amber1]

If things are going well, why not go with the flow? If things are going well why not keep doing what you are doing so they will continue to go well? I wouldn't start playing any games now. It might mess everything up. I think all you need to worry about is not contacting her constantly and you will be fine.

 

One more thing, do you guys ever talk on the phone or do you only text each other?

[Yellowboy]

I usually text her. We chat on MSN sometimes, but I think we both don't feel as comfortable what with the awkward pauses and trying to come up with something to talk about. So texting seems to have the right pace.

[highsierra]

I'm in the same boat with ya fella....putting way more into it and feeling stronger about it while the girl I'm seeing feels the same way but claims no time now (hard to say how long that is) to put into a serious relationship, but feels a serious potential for one with me ...My problem is she calls me at least once (if not a couple times) a day and a couple texts.... It's easy to let the phone go to voicemail, but I always call back (i'm not going to be rude!)...but talk about having it difficult to play hard to get and let her actually long to talk to me! Wat do you do there?

[Arizona100]

I think the best way is not to play games indeed, but to have activities for yourself as well.

Ie: she asks you if you want to go hang out, you can always say yes but after you are done with whatever you are gonna be doing (I don't know, visit a friend for instance and REALLY go visit a friend, don't lie! And you will surely enjoy it btw, friends are good!).

 

Basically I think it's ok to be available but you have to show that you do stuff on your own too and you don't wait on her like a pup would.

 

PS: and i hope it works for you, keep on doing whatever it is that you are doing and not to show up as needy

[Yellowboy]

Yeah last time we went out, I had to meet my friend who was visiting from Germany so I kindly asked her if she wanted to join, but she declined and we went our separate ways.

 

My previous girl wanted all the attention she needed, so its probably something I jave lingering. This new girl is not exactly like that so I'd have to change my ways...

[Arizona100]

Well how about sometimes you include her, sometimes you don't? For now i wouldn't.

Maybe next time you go visit a friend, don't ask her if she wants to join, just reply that no you can't come now, you are visiting a friend, but yes you can see her tomorrow or later in the day, whatever..

 

I'd say don't forget yourself.

[maynard]

Oh man, this is where I am now as well.

 

I try to play cool, but sometimes I wonder if I am being too distant? That's how I messed up my previous girl, she wanted to take it slow so I was like, ok then let's not meet too often then, and later accused me of being too distant.

 

Now I feel I could be doing the same thing...it's difficult to not come off like I am needy, and at the same time, not to be too distant either.... grrr....

haha. yup. its a delicate balance...for guys like us. i wish i was a bit more aloof, but i tend to think too much and analyze things

 

i learned a real important lesson is not to expect every interaction to be amazing. in the past i had a real hard time dealing with minor bumps in the road...and i dont even mean arguments. little things like an off hand comment or reactions. i used to feel like i was walking on eggshells when i didnt have to. now, if she is pissing me off i just tell her and in a way i think she respects that

 

sometimes you need to talk to a girl like you would your buddy

[maynard]

If things are going well, why not go with the flow? If things are going well why not keep doing what you are doing so they will continue to go well? I wouldn't start playing any games now. It might mess everything up. I think all you need to worry about is not contacting her constantly and you will be fine.

 

One more thing, do you guys ever talk on the phone or do you only text each other?

yeah i can see what you are saying. like tonight i went over and we had a nice casual hangout night. went well and learned some things about each other. it was a much better route than if i had told her i couldnt hang out so i could create some space

 

i just gotta make sure im not forcing things

 

we do both the talking and the texting. its mostly texting during work and maybe a call at night. i never call. in fact, i've grown to hate the calling. i dont think we work very well on the phone actually. i should say that i dont work well. it ends up usually her talking and talking and i just get exhausted. in the past she had a tendency to to dump things on me: stress at the job or whatever other drama there was going on. like a lot of guys, i dont have the stamina for it. texting is great because she can only say so much, lol

 

i would just rather hang out and she doesnt dump on me when we do and texting would take too long to do so

 

in my perfect world it be texting a lot, hanging out a lot and short phone calls only when needed

 

i really think a lot of the problems i had with her was that it was 1-2 hour phone conversations every night.

[maynard]

I'm in the same boat with ya fella....putting way more into it and feeling stronger about it while the girl I'm seeing feels the same way but claims no time now (hard to say how long that is) to put into a serious relationship, but feels a serious potential for one with me ...My problem is she calls me at least once (if not a couple times) a day and a couple texts.... It's easy to let the phone go to voicemail, but I always call back (i'm not going to be rude!)...but talk about having it difficult to play hard to get and let her actually long to talk to me! Wat do you do there?

i know. it sucks when your ready to back off and they dont. what you are describing is exactly where i was with this girl about 1 month ago. right now things have switched to the upswing and are going well. but to get here, i had to do some things

 

i made myself scare in her life. i never answered her calls and only replied by text. i basically had a "take it or leave it" attitude with her. she expected me to be there for her as a friend type thing and suddenly i no longer was. i kept it up for a little more than two weeks and it was the best thing i ever did. it made her miss me and realize she had taken me for granted.

 

i gradually relented my attitude and now i whenever we text, i try to be a funny and playful as possible. when we finally hung out alone the girl was all over me. now, for the first time, there is a some sense of normalcy

 

i've decided that i will never initiate the conversation of, "so what are we? are we together?" there is no point. it will help your sanity a lot to let go of it.

 

you HAVE to show some degree of indifference toward her. its the only way, imo. you HAVE to realize that right now, she has the power over you and you will never succeed if she does.

 

hope this post helps buddy

[maynard]

thought i'd offer an update and could use some advice

 

so it looks like my plan worked well...though maybe a little too well

 

i decided today that i wasnt going to contact her (the space thing). well i guess she had been waiting for me to text her and she cracked at about 4pm, saying, "are you ever going to initiate a conversation with me, lol? how are you?"

 

she later told me that her dad had asked her what was going one with the two of us (she's living at home while going to school and i have been hanging out over there a handful of times)

 

she told him she didnt know and then said she told him "i was just having fun with her"

 

i asked what that meant and she told me that we weren't officially together and that we hadnt committed to each other and didnt know how or want to explain everything to her dad. i said, ok that makes sense

 

a few hours later i get a text, "hey baby cakes. you miss me?" i told her i did. we keep texting...and we have a little light sexual banter...

 

then out of nowhere she goes, "im not doing this. have a great night."

 

WTF?!?!?! so i ask her, "not doing what?" she then says she doesnt want to be like another couple we know and have a "text thing." the other couple communicates purely through texting. im like, "um, ok...goodnight..."

 

she then texts me, "is that all you want?" i said no and that we arent like them and that they have no emotion in their relationship. she says alright. i told her to relax and she says ok, its hard, but im trying

 

my initial read was that she was being a total psycho with a crazy mood swing who could have just said, "can we text a little less and talk a little more?" now im thinking she is giving me a serious test about how i feel and how serious i want to be with her. seems too coincidental to be on the same day she says her dad asks her what is going on with us....now its in her mind about what we are

 

 

of course, the third option is that she is freaking out about getting close to me and going to break it off. i dont know....

 

did i go too far with the space thing or is this episode independent of that??? it wasnt like i was ignoring her. is she acting out to get me to commit??? AHHH!

 

HELP PLEASE lol

[yergawd]

Whoah, slow down down. Stop analyzing everything. Cutting off contact is not a good way to build attraction. IMO, talk on the phone but get a few things in mind to talk about before you call. Have a purpose for calling. ie "Hey just wanted to say hi see how ya doin, and see what you have going on Saturday" Cut back on the texts and IM increase quick calls to talk, not hear eachother breathe. Do it slowly, but do it. Enjoy spending time together, putting a label to it won't improve it. Let her bring up relationship issues. Your first job is to make yourself happy, second make her happier when she's with you than any other time. When you are not with her or making quick plans do stuff you like with friends or solo.

[daphne]

I don't think you played it too well. I think you're going to play yourself out of dating the girl. She sounds like she's rebelling against the game like I did with teh last guy I dated. He thought playing hard to get would keep him from getting hurt. Unfortunately, I resented the hard ball approach and I broke up with him.

 

You either want a healthy relationship, or you want to play to win. You cannot do both. There is a very fine line in how you're handling things. It sounds like she may have taken you for granted, so I'm not saying that pulling back wasn't a good idea. But now that you've pulled back so hard and her efforts of moving towrads you aren't being rewarded, she is probably losing interest. You can only increase attraction by doing a hard pull back for a very short period of time. Once there's no reward, I think the whole balance is lost and I'd be surprised if this works out in the long run. But I also think that pulling back has to be subtle, not hard.