I married a real winner...

[artemis32]

Hi all. I'm here obviously because I need some advice. My ex and I have been separated for almost a year now. Ny state requires 1 yr of separation before divorce. Here's my story:

 

Currently I'm 26, he's 28. We were together for 5 yrs then decided to get married in Feb of 2004. Almost immediately after getting married I started realizing he had a serious drug problem. Let me backstep.. we were young (17 & 19) and both had fun for the first couple years. I was just a drinker. I knew he did more, but love is blind especially when you're young. I'll be first to admit that. After the a little while when I was about 20, I realized I was really in love with him and I wanted to stop that whole party life and settle down. I thought he did too, but he really just ended up a closetcase addict and I didn't know. He kept a job and all... and of course I was blinded by love and oblivious. So anyway, it's not like it just suddenly appeared.

 

After we got married, he started showing some serious signs of addiction. Money and belongings would go missing, he wasn't working, he was depressed. We would fight all the time.. really, really bad fights. It started coming out that he was using insane amounts of prescription meds. I tried desperately to help him. He'd just start hiding it again. Towards the last six month to a year he moved into smoking crack and that just disgusted the s**t out of me. I couldn't do it anymore. It was obvious at that point that he just didn't give a crap what happened to us. By that point he was stealing money on a regular basis, not just from me, but people that came over. Electronics and paychecks mysteriously disappeared. He'd steal my car when I was sleeping. We got in a couple physical fights. I was hiding money and my jewlery and anything else worth anything to me in the most inventive places. Enough was enough. There was no way I was going to live my life like that. Here I was doing the college thing, trying to make a life for us, working full time and he was out of hand.

 

So, he fought it over and over and I finally successfully got him out of the house back in jan of 2006. He showed back up a couple month later begging me to take him back. I refused and in turn he pulled out knives threatening to kill himself in front of me. I left the house and called 911. The police came, cuffed him, took him to the psych ward. He was there for a month.

 

During the summer of 2006 we decided to be civil. He supposedly got sober. I'm sorry, but I can't trust him on that. Anyway, he started dating his current girlfriend and I started dating my current boyfriend. We filed a separation agreement finally in October of last year.

 

We were being civil, he seemed to be doing better so I started dividing things up with him. I gave him his things that I held onto for if he ever got his life in order. I gave him some furniture. I'm not a selfish person. I was fair in giving him things. We had 4 cats, which I took care of during all this. I gave him one of them 6 month ago.

 

Okay, that was the short of a long story. Now here's what's going on now and seriously concerning me. (I'm so sorry for this being so long).

 

Like I said, I don't know if I can believe that he's still sober. And in October I can file for divorce. About a month ago I got a phone call that the cat was sick. He and his girlfriend live together and neither one had the money to take it to the vet. Then he said it got better and he was going to take it to the vet the following monday just to make sure. I hadn't heard anything since. Last week I'm get a voicemail message that he didn't bring the cat to the vet and now he thinks the poor cat is dying. He doesn't have a phone now so I can't call.. Then I get messages that they want to come get one of my other cats.. no mention of what happened to the first one! This is absurd! Again to make a long story short, I finally got a phone number and I'm going to call him today after work. Obviously, I'm going to tell him no he can't have another. Like hell I'd hand another one over to him when he can't take care of them. But I know that all this "civilness" is gone after I talk to him. And I know that divorce isn't going to be as easy after this.

 

Here's my concerns:

1) I found out recently that there's a judgement against both of us for the huge hospital bill he racked up and "forgot" about from when he was in the psych ward. I'm not sure how to protect myself from that. I don't understand how they can hold me responsible for that.

2) I have no idea where he's living right now or if he's working or anything like that. Do I need this information to proceed with the divorce.

 

... I'm sorry, I guess I should really just find myself a lawyer for all this. I have so many concerns. I don't know where to start. I'm overwhelmed with the whole divorcing thing as is. I think I really just needed to vent. This whole ordeal has me livid and has kept me up all night.

[whichwayisup]

Definately talk to a lawyer and talk to your family and friends. Fact that he is now living with someone else, and HE was the one in the hospital, YOU should not be stuck paying his hospital visit.

 

Sorry about the cat, I hope that he/she is going to be okay...

[kobegirl]

Definately talk to a lawyer

 

yes I agree the lawyer is who you should talk to . that will cut through the crap and tell you what exactly you need to do and what your options are.

[Melovator]

I'm sorry about the cat, thank god you never had kids with him!?!

 

Definately check with your lawyer. But you could be caught up in one of those situations where you're ex has given you an STD (Sexually Transmitted Debt). Do you have a copy of the bill- can you get an original to find out how you got on the bill? (ie is it an automatic thing with spouses?)

 

But I also have to say- bloody good on you for not allowing his addiction become yours, bloody good on you for taking care of yourself and getting him out of the house. Bloody good on you for not taking him back.