FC801 Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Dear Loveshackers, I'm just looking for a little support and advice. My exboyfriend left me after 2 1/2 years almost two months ago, I won't get into details again but see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t124933/d for specifics. For the first month, I was struggling to get through each day. I have never felt so devastated in my life. He came two weeks ago to move his stuff out of our apartment and we both got some closure. We took a long hike, went out to lunch and had a very sad and emotional goodbye. I know that he is acting the way he is out of fear and immaturity. I know at the same time that there is no excuse for what he did, and that he is not worthy of my love. He would never have done this if he really truly loved me. I also realized that I needed to not talk to him at all if I ever hope to get over him and this emotional trauma. After he left with his things, I went NC and have thus far been successful at not contacting him (2 weeks and counting every second) despite loving and missing him terribly. But he is not the person I loved; that person is gone. He has changed into a self-centered immature monster before my very eyes. I guess I am still mourning who he was and who we were together. Now, I'm struggling to get through every other day (an improvement I guess). Some days are better than others. Some days I feel like I WILL get over him. It is almost a relief to have gone NC and ended the visual nightmare; although it continues, at least I am not around to watch it or know what he is doing (then other times it's so hard NOT knowing!). Other days, like today, I feel completely hopeless and overwhelmed by emotion. I feel lost. He convinced me for so long that we had a future, that we would grow old and grumpy together, that I don't know where to go or what to do next. I've lost 20 pounds, and still have a pretty poor appetite and trouble sleeping without the help of Ambien or Trazodone. I am still having trouble being here, since I met him so soon after I moved here that all of my memories of this city include him. I have cut out many of my friends here because they are his friends too; and I want nothing to do with anyone who thinks he is a decent human being but I don't want to make them choose between us. They are all nice people and I'm sure they want to help, but I am just not interested in maintaining my friendships with them. (I do have a few close friends I have kept close to me.) Anyway, I have pretty much decided that I need a fresh start in a new city because it is just too painful for me to be here. I realize logically that the pain will subside with time, and that I will eventually meet new friends if I stay here, but I just don't want to. I understand that it will be a lot to take on, but I have 3 months left on my lease here, and time to prepare. I know your first instinct might be to say that I am running away. But, before the breakup, we were planning to move to a new city together, and I had good reasons for agreeing to leave my job and this city with him, apart from loving him of course. I've found that after arriving at these conclusions, I can not talk myself back into staying here despite the changed circumstances. Does anyone have any experience with relocating to a new city/state after a major breakup? Advice/recommendations?
heartoutside Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I can't say anything about moving to a new city after a break up. But my break up is very similar, and it wrecked me the first month. I'll have to say I'm doing better now...I met her about a year after I moved here, and we worked together. SO all her friends are my friends...Luckily for me she has other "new" friends that she is choosing to hang out with right now. There are a ton of things in this city that remind me of her, I still live in the same apartment she and I lived in together for 3 years. What I would suggest doing is taking a trip (if you can afford too). Just go somewhere peaceful or where you've always wanted to go, I would suggest some place outside of the states, it will give you a better perspective on life and your brain a rest from your city and everything that reminds you of him. You have 3 months which is a long time. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone new in the next 3 months. Just don't let this break up destroy you, that's the hard part I know. You need to see it as a chance for you to grow and be a stronger and even more amazing person. That's what I say to myself whenever I start to feel my self getting sad, or feeling sorry for myself.....This is a chance for me to become an even more amazing person and make her regret even more what she did....
CrazyPanda Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I believe we both are in the same boat almos identical, maybe not the same reasons why we're alone but the effects. My girlfriend of almost three years left me at the end of last month. For the first two weeks I had a giant lost of appetite where I could only drink fluids and puke up what soild food. And of course, the lack of sleep. Since we were together for a while, most of our friends we had were both of our friends. So it was hard to talk to friends since I didn't want them to side with one of us. I love my old girlfriend with the bottom of my heart though but I've notice she has changed also. We look back to our recent relationship because that is what we are longing for and those were the times we were happy. However, it only just brings more pain. It does for me. No contact is torture, no denying that and that some days are better than others. We've all gone through it and from reading other post, time will eventually make it easier. For the moving out part, I haven't really thought about moving out but you might just want to take some time out, travel and try to relax and enjoy yourself. I feel better when I spoil myself. Since I was always doing something for her and because of that I didnt have much time to spoil myself. Now though, since your partner is currently out of the picture, give yourself some attention, you'll appreciate it. Make yourself beautiful just for yourself, spoil yourself, get pampered, do things just for you and no one else. I've been doing this and it seems to be helping, especially passing the time with no contact.
shattered&confused Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 hi FC801, first of all i wish i could give you a hug cause i understand how you feel - my ex of 3 years just left me last month for his co-worker whom he had been having an affair with. i too had discussed plans of marriage and growing old 2gether - even discussed getting engaged next year. in a sense you may be better off than me cause u have polite closure with your ex - while mine moved everything out of our apartment within 48 hours of me finding out about his cheating and i haven't heard from him since. probably never will considering how much of a coward he is. i understand what you are going through, cause it sounds like i went through a lot of the turmoil of feelings that you are going through now. i say 'went' because i am currently on a low dose of anti-depressants + therapy so my days are still hard but much less of a roller coaster ride than last month. i'm not recommending this for you of course, its just how my doctor believes i need to cope now. regarding moving to another city: i'm going to tell you what another loveshacker told me on my thread last month (in a nutshell) - if you were planning to do something before the breakup then most likely this isn't a rash decision on your part. if you were already interested in leaving the city you currently live in then maybe that is what you want to do. Mind you, there are some other considerations: was moving to another city his idea initially or yours? were you giving into what he wanted or was that something you had wanted yourself? is he still planning to move there? (meeting him there would probably be worse) do you actually love the city you currently live in but right now its just unbearable because of the pain/memories? do you have any close friends you can rely on in the new city you are thinking about moving to? during this time, although a new environment will help you a lot, there will still be times you are going to need a strong friend to keep you from feeling lonely when your emotions hit you. my ex's sister moved to another city after her 7 year relationship ended but she moved to be close to her sister, whom helped her get through it. she's met someone and is happy now. i considered moving to another city myself last month because it soon became clear that i could no longer live in the apartment that i had shared with my ex (we had found the apartment together as supposedly our 'first' place together - i've been staying with my mom eversince it happened.) but i decided against moving to another city cause i love it here. i refuse to let him take it away from me just because everywhere i go i see memories of things we did there. i'm trying to make new memories in those places and focus on my love for the city. i have however decided to move to another apartment and am currently looking forward to decorating my new place exactly the way i like it. if you discover you like the city you live in, maybe you could just move to a new place when your lease is up. whatever you decide to do, let me share what a friend of mine told me when i told him that i was worried that i was running away from my problems (my pride initially wanted to stay in that apartment we'd shared) - "don't consider it running away, consider it closing a chapter of your life and starting a new one.."
Author FC801 Posted August 17, 2007 Author Posted August 17, 2007 Thank you all for the advice. I am still confused, I don't know what I want or what I should do, but you've definitely given me a lot to think about, which is good (and kind of a nice distraction from just thinking about him all the time!). I am going to wait a month and see how I feel before I make any rash decisions. Although after reading your post, shattered&confused, i did do some redecorating in the apartment. He was always painting his own stuff (which incidentally SUCKED, not to be mean or anything and not that I ever told that to him) and he never wanted any other art or decorations hanging up on the walls. So all his sh#t came down, and what I like went up. It feels good to have something new that is my own individual style to look at:) I am still not eating or sleeping right, and I know that affects my ability to think clearly. I too went on a low-dose antidepressant, although sometimes I feel like it makes me feel worse, because it makes it harder for me to cry, but I still have a lump in my throat all the time...But whenever I am feeling really down, I log into loveshack and see that I am not in it alone:) Hope you all have good weekends and do something nice for yourself.
Curious139 Posted August 19, 2007 Posted August 19, 2007 It sounds like you are doing all of the right things to help yourself. Redecorating is a really positive step. You need to eat healthy food and exercise. Just go for walks, it is surprising just how simple activity helps you feel better. Lean on your friends, that is what they are there for. I know it can take what seems like a long time to heal. I'm seven weeks past my loss and sometimes it feels like yesterday but the days are getting better. To be honest this site has helped a lot. Just knowing other people understand and have gone through the same awful experience eases my the burden.
shattered&confused Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Although after reading your post, shattered&confused, i did do some redecorating in the apartment. He was always painting his own stuff (which incidentally SUCKED, not to be mean or anything and not that I ever told that to him) and he never wanted any other art or decorations hanging up on the walls. So all his sh#t came down, and what I like went up. It feels good to have something new that is my own individual style to look at:) I'm glad you're feeling stronger after redecorating your apartment a bit. I know that I'm going to feel that way too when I get into my new place in a couple of weeks. I heard from someone (when I wasn't sure if I was going to move out of that old apartment or not) was to move the furniture around to give your place a different feel. I know that can be a lot of work but if you're going to be there for a few more months it may help to feel like you are already in a somewhat different environment. I am still not eating or sleeping right, and I know that affects my ability to think clearly. I too went on a low-dose antidepressant, although sometimes I feel like it makes me feel worse, because it makes it harder for me to cry, but I still have a lump in my throat all the time...But whenever I am feeling really down, I log into loveshack and see that I am not in it alone:) Hope you all have good weekends and do something nice for yourself. Its funny that you mention how it makes you feel worse sometimes being on antidepressants because you find it harder to cry - I felt exactly the same way last week. it felt like a lump in my chest that was just stuck there. i was worrying that it was keeping me from grieving properly. i even discussed it at length with my counselor. you might want to do that with your doctor too if you feel that way to put your mind at ease. i don't know if it will be the same with you, but eventually the crying came one day and it poured out of me when i had a great big sob. again, i don't know if it'll be the same for you but i actually feel like i am looking at my situation with clearer and more optimistic eyes now (i'm not a doctor by the way). b4 my anti-depressants kicked in, i felt like i was walking around with a cloud around my head bringing me down, even when i was trying to be positive about my future. i lost my appetite too and was waking up at 4 in the morning then tossing and turning until my alarm when off at 7am. now i feel a little bit more like my old self again. i'm still feeling the sadness but at least its me feeling it and not the chemical imbalance in my brain don't worry, you'll feel stronger soon!
jaelynne52 Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Wow, FC, how you feel sounds so familiar to me. I haven't been eating or sleeping all that well since the break up, and it's only been two weeks for me. I'm still going through the stage of going back and forth, "Is there a chance? Will he come around? Should I give up?" I'll have moments of normalcy where I can hang out with friends, but I almost always end up back in my funk, and I know I have a long ways to go before I feel better about all of this. The best thing I can do for myself right now is just constantly repeat that this is the best for me, that fate wouldn't send something my way that I can't handle. I might not see the benefits right now, but eventually it will all make sense. I know it's not much, and it doesn't feel like comfort at all, believe me, but it's all I can do. And keep all the good advice and comfort words people tell me fore most in my mind. It at least helps me not breakdown in the middle of my day...
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