PoshPrincess Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 How does that change teh dynamic? Any thoughts? While I was with exMM I never wanted to date anyone else. He had always said he wouldn't like it if I did but that he wasn't in a position to ask me not to. I went out for dinner with a mutual friend once and MM was jealous (especially as this male friend had a bit of a thing for me at the time) but deep down I think he knew there was nothing in it. He would have been a lot more worried if it had been someone he didn't know though.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I guess it depends entirely on how the MM feels about the OW. Some MM will be insanely jealous and do everything to prevent his OW from dating other people, and some MM will see it as an 'out' (and will in fact suggest that the OW date other people so that she can find happiness, making it look like he has her best interests in mind but really just wants an easy way out of the affair).
woe_is_me Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 early on in the A ... xmm told me i should date other guys...and that i shouldnt let him stop me blah blah blah .. Later on though....hmm aruond 9 mnths in my exH was here to see drop/off our son or something and mm dropped in unexpectedly i didnt know what to do and threw my car keys to my exH and told him to go! The fact that my car wasnt here afterwards didnt slide past the ever shrewd MM and boy did he get angry/upest...all hurt and bothered he was...hmm maybe he was having a dose of his own medicine... You know as on xOW i often feel myself sometimes strangely on the BS' side... A couple of months later my exH called in after work ..and MM was here..unexpectedly ..again..i had to tell my exH he had to go.. i felt awful..like he couldnt even come in for a chat or whatever..how seedy that felt! ill never forget that.. xMM mentioned something about exHs 'looks'...hmm exH is a pretty boy...so what ..if that's what mattered to me i'd still be with exH wouldnt i..but mm couldnt get his head around that..he was pretty cold after seeing my exH...i think his conscience started to 'bite' not long after that...knowing that i actually had a life/family and people who cared...he refused to meet my sister also a few months earlier..yet i met one of his cousins..and his neighbour knew about me and all his workmates...i dont really understand his side of things.. While im here though i may as well add ..i still ache ..beacause of his call after 4 years of NC...i had soooooooooooo much to tell him!! So much he wasn't around for... A lot happens in 4 years...he has no idea what iv been through we never got the chance to talk properly because i got him busted..sorry that im pouring my heart out ..no one ever attacks me in here ..i don't know if thats because im perceived as strange...or possibly/hopefully understood..
bish Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 How does that change teh dynamic? Any thoughts? I'd say the MM would probably be relieved. He got his piece on the side, got away with it, and will no longer have OW around to worry about getting caught any longer. The OW telling the MM she will start dating others is probably good news to the MM.
movinon05 Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I'd say the MM would probably be relieved. He got his piece on the side, got away with it, and will no longer have OW around to worry about getting caught any longer. The OW telling the MM she will start dating others is probably good news to the MM. Bish, your sarcasm is just useless here. This is not how it works, even if you'd like to think it does. It just doesn't.
Author vivi Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 Actually, my MM didn't take it all that well and he's started to take me out more. He certainly didn't act relieved. I just told him I wanted to be with someone who was available to me and with whom I could have the possibility of a future. I still care for him deeply and wouldn't like to lose him, but I don't have time for inertia (we're going into the second year.) It's a tough situation. That's why I posed my query. I'm looking for insight from OW's who have been/are IN THE SAME SITUATION, not bitter, sarcastic comments from the peanut gallery.
movinon05 Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 My exMM was insanely jealous. If he even "thought" I looked at another man, he went into a rage. Someone even lied to him and told him I was dating someone else. Another rage and I didn't know what the hell he was talking about! He wasn't concerned about me being happier with someone else. He wanted me all to himself "for the future" that never happened! Wish I had been stronger. I might've gotten out of it sooner. But at the time, I was very manipulated. Don't know how it will work for you, but every MM thinks differently.
Shades of Grey Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 My MM acted exactly the same Vivi. He found it very hard to deal with, a year or so into our relationship when I told him I wasn't going to put my life on hold any longer whilst he continuued to delay his decision about his future. Of course he knew full well that he had no right to question anything I did but he couldn't hide his feelings about it. I tried to date but eventually it came down to the fact that I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to see other people.
whichwayisup Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 My exMM was insanely jealous. If he even "thought" I looked at another man, he went into a rage. Kind of ironic seeing as he had a wife at home and was cheating on her! Wish I had been stronger. I might've gotten out of it sooner. But you are stronger now and you're out of the A, so that's a good thing!
Cinabon Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 As for the OP. I think it depends on the relationship. If its a FWB thing. then they shouldnt care. But if its a serious relationship then why would you consider going out with someone else?
bish Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Bish, your sarcasm is just useless here. This is not how it works, even if you'd like to think it does. It just doesn't. It does if the MM just views the OW as a side piece.
bish Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Bish, your sarcasm is just useless here. This is not how it works, even if you'd like to think it does. It just doesn't. And I wasn't being sarcastic at all.
JamesM Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 ..sorry that im pouring my heart out ..no one ever attacks me in here ..i don't know if thats because im perceived as strange...or possibly/hopefully understood.. I think it is because you have many friends here. And also there are so many people who understand how you feel and what you have gone through and are going through.
Author vivi Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 if its a serious relationship, why would I consider going out with someone else...? Good question. I like the time I spend with the MM, and he's great in a lot of ways; it started as an NSA thing but became something more for both of us...but it feels like things have changed between us, and he's not acting like a man who is planning on leaving his relationship as he originally said. I don't want to have a relationship that is only serious one way.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 It throws the power back torward the OW because now the MM has to compete with others with more to offer...he has to step up his game... And unless you're in a short-term A, the MM will care...ALOT...
IWALH Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 My xMM was ridiculously jealous of even the male friends in my life. When he called he always asked me if I had gone out on a date or anything and grilled me about other guys. I didn't date ANYONE for the 2 1/2 years the whole thing went on (even during our "off period") because I just didn't want to. I had absolutely no feelings for anyone but him because I was so fixated and "in love" with him. Only very recently has the thought of seeing someone other than him become a pleasant thought. I am now actually excited about getting back into the dating scene, it's been so long!!!! But no, I didn't date other guys while seeing him because I just didn't want to. Had I wanted to and told him, he would have gone ballistic!!!
Mino Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 when I mentioned I would maybe start dating, he went ballistic, He has never scream at me, but this one time. Telling me he would break our r off IF I were to date. Since then he calls very late to " check" if I am home.
Babybird Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 It throws the power back torward the OW because now the MM has to compete with others with more to offer...he has to step up his game... And unless you're in a short-term A, the MM will care...ALOT... Very well put GEL! So now that MM and his W have split I ask him about posts like this. Obviously, he can tell me what he thinks he would do(or would've done) even though I'll never know if he actually would've. So in this situation I asked him what he would've done if I would've told him I wanted to date other men. Boy did I get a quick reaction. He said if I had said that he would've known he was going to lose me because I was tired of waiting and left her instantly. Now, like I said I don't know that this would've actually happened but thats what he would like to think he would've done. I'd like to think he would've too! (For those of you not familiar with my story his W left him for another man about 3 months ago. Seems they had both been cheating on each other. The thing thats frustrating about her leaving him is that I'll never know if he would've left her. Thats one of those things that'll stick in my mind for awhile.)
simplegirl Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 My MM told me that he isn't in a position to not ask me to date, that it's not fair. Well, an old friend of mine that I hadn't seen in years (also now single) and I went out for dinner the next night. We completely hit it off. My MM ended up meeting him the next night at a party a mutual friend had and I could tell he was extremely jealous but he didn't say anything to me that night. The next weekend the "new" guy and I went out again and MM found out from a mutual friend where we were. He walked in (he had been calling me but I kept sending him to vm) and said hi to everyone that bought everyone a beer and walked out. Some of his friends said he was steaming mad. I didn't talk to him for the next month, not for his lack of trying though. Eventually I talked to him and the "new" guy didn't work out. I fell right back in.
NoIDidn't Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Men are territorial. How they react to being told that you plan on dating someone else is going to be similar whether they are single or married. Its really not a MM thing. Its a man thing. In fact the ones that step up their game, only do so long enough to avert the threat of having to compete with others mostly. Then its back to business as usual. And again, that's whether married or single.
sadbuttrue Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 my MM has also told me that he feels he has no right to stop me from seeing someone that can offer me more. but when the chance came up for me to date someone, he would go on about how he didnt like it and i love MM so my heart really wasnt in it with anyone else, i just thought i owed it to myself to give it a try. well, in the last month or so we have had another blow up over this, it was a guy friend of mine that i dated many years ago, we have stayed friends since we were 14. he wanted me to come over, i mentioned it to MM and he had a fit. we came close to breaking up over that. he eventually told me to go and that he trusted me i know strange for him to say. anyway, i didnt go because i had made up my mind that i was going to treat this R as a real one, at least from my side. i love him and i want to be with him. i told him that he needed to stop telling me to find happiness elsewhere and we have not had any problems since. i do not think MM look at OW dating as an out, not when they care about them anyway. i think they feel vulnerable and unable to control the situation. i think it scares them. i think it makes them feel torn between demanding the OW's faithfulness and respecting her rights as a single person.
frannie Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 i do not think MM look at OW dating as an out, not when they care about them anyway. i think they feel vulnerable and unable to control the situation. i think it scares them. i think it makes them feel torn between demanding the OW's faithfulness and respecting her rights as a single person. I agree with this, especially the bit I've bolded. I do think that when you're in a relationship, you need to be honest with your partner about feelings and needs. Telling someone you're going to date because you want them to react in some way is not a great way of going forward. Telling them you need to date when you're seriously feeling like moving on... well, that's fine I suppose, in that it gives him a little warning of how bad things have got! But most people can tell if you really mean it: your wider attitude will reveal whether it's a case of 'I'm on my way out here' vs. 'I want you to leave her!' As always, the only person you can really control is yourself (and most of us have a hard job even with that). What would be better than threatening to date (and it really is more of a threat than anything...) is doing what we're all advised: end one relationship before you start another. End it with MM, and then start dating. That's unless you think he's likely to think it's a great idea to share... unlikely, I think
PoshPrincess Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 (For those of you not familiar with my story his W left him for another man about 3 months ago. Seems they had both been cheating on each other. The thing thats frustrating about her leaving him is that I'll never know if he would've left her. Thats one of those things that'll stick in my mind for awhile.) Just be grateful that he's with you, BB! I thought the same as you when I was with MM. I never wanted him to leave FOR ME but because he didn't want to be with his W. I didn't want it like he was coming to me because he had nowhere else to go. Now I'd just be thankful to have him, whatever the reasons! He is with you now. Don't beat yourself up over the past and 'what ifs' but concentrate on you and your man and your future happiness. That's what it's all about!
9Lives Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 if its a serious relationship, why would I consider going out with someone else...? Good question. I like the time I spend with the MM, and he's great in a lot of ways; it started as an NSA thing but became something more for both of us...but it feels like things have changed between us, and he's not acting like a man who is planning on leaving his relationship as he originally said. I don't want to have a relationship that is only serious one way. Regardless of how well you all get along and how much you think of him...DO NOT BOX YOURSELF INTO JUST HIS LADY. It's a bad choice. I did it. Not good for my self esteem, and well being all together. Emotions got out of control. I think it is better for the ow in the long run. I have about 6 men I talk to....nothing serious but they are my male company until I meet someone who is worth all my time. Have not met one yet.
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