sungrl Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 i got the feeling my b/f was meeting a girl for lunch or to hang out at work. Here is why. Hope you dont get confused. Read carefully and thanks. On thursday night, he only got about 3 hours of sleep..due to a flat. I stayed at his place while he switched cars with a friend. But it didn't stop him from shaving in the morning on Friday. Also--my b/f doesnt work in an office--he fixes things for a living. Therefore--he can wear jeans, t-shirt etc. I noticed he brought a collared shirt with him and a cut off shirt(not quite a tank top but close to it, it just has a little more material on the shoulders). Take in mind, it was raining bad that day. The short sleeved shirt he brought though--its the type guys wear over a t-shirt etc when going out. It felt like nice material to me---he says its just in case he needs to change. But i do know he doesnt like working outside in the rain. Most times he will just sit in his truck and wait for it to stop before going to the customer's place and possibly working outside. I definitely know that is true for him. My two friends say the combination of shaving on 2 or 3 hours of sleep and the shirt is weird and they would thinks its supsicious. Now--saturday morning was not raining and it was a nice day. I placed his dirty clothes in a bag and placed the shirt back in the closet to see if he would notice. He did and i said i thought you only needed it for the rain so i put it away. He then said its a half dirty shirt, he wore it the other day---he isnt allowed to wear tank tops in the garage type place where he needs to go in the morning every morning for work. So he puts it on over that he says. He brought it along with him again and i was trying to be optimistic and assume just in case it was hot, he can change into it from his t-shirt. (Although i just dont know why he didnt wear the cut off shirt from the begin with) . Telling my friend this--she said well maybe he is telling the truth now since you know its true he really isnt supposed to wear tank tops. The thing is i think he took the CUT OFF SHIRT with him along with it. And here is where i get confused. I saw he left the collared shirt at his family member's place when stopping by(most of his stuff is there and he lives there to keep them company in a way) And this morning when getting ready at his own place--he wears a cut off shirt to work. I did say something in the car and said you didn't bring a shirt with you this time? and he said no. I then said aren't you going to get in trouble and he said they will tell me over breakfest. He says its a cut off shirt so he can get away with it a little more rather than a tank top. Its a little more material and i guess it makes a difference. He also says he doubts a lot of people will there for overtime today. Now--he brought that cut off shirt with him friday morning. If he can somewhat get away with it--why bring the other shirt? And he brought it again saturday as well with the cut off shirt but wore a t-shirt. Why bring it AGAIN that day. The other thing is, on saturday he needed to finish as early as he could because there was a kid's birthday party we needed to go to. So by 2:30 he said he was on his last job which made me assume--when would he meet someone today and maybe i should just believe him. I really dont know what to think..i do not see him every day so i dont know if he brings a shirt with him when he wears a tank top. On the times i did see him, i do not remember him bringing a shirt to wear over his tank top unless of course he brought one from the other day and just leaves it in his truck. But i do know there were times i saw him in a tank top or cut off shirt and he didnt bring a shirt along with him. He wears sneakers now and he says he changes into his shoes before entering the garage because you arent allowed to wear them and then changes back. Maybe its possible on the times i saw him, he kept a shirt in the truck but when i see him thursday night and friday night, i dont see him bring a shirt home for laundry. I also see him saturday nights as well but later on in the evening. Am i being paranoid? It seems like some of this is not adding up and i dont know if its me or not. Please write back. Thank You.
jj2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 You could be reading too much into this- or maybe not. Has he evergiven you any other reasons not to trust him? Does the shirt smell like perfume? lipstick stains? Have you looked in his car for other evidence? Is there any way you could drop by where he works- unannounced to suprise him with lunch? It could be nothing but as a BW I can tell you it doesn't hurt to stay alert and be aware.
norajane Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Are you serious? You must be since you spent so much time chronicling his shirt and shoes wearing habits. To answer your question - yes, I think you're being paranoid. Like, way over the top paranoid. If he's cheating during work when he's going from job to job, I hardly doubt his mistress would give a damn if he wears a shirt, a tank top, or a cut off t-shirt. She's going to be seeing him naked as soon as he gets inside. If you think he's cheating after work, when exactly would he be doing that, since he's with you and you track his whereabouts like a hawk?
Author sungrl Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 jj i can't suprise him at work because we work in different areas. Also, i really dont know if it smelled like perfume or not..he had it in the bag. He brought it with him friday and saturday along with the cut off shirt in a bag. It seems like he never changed into it or something because it was in the bag.
LakesideDream Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Wow, this is a new height in paranoia. In my life I cannot count the times that I failed to sleep at all.. tossing and turning all night, got out of bed, showered, shaved and went to work. At work (a retail store) I wore a pullover shirt with our store logo on it. I also had a closet with couple of shirts, a pair of pants, and even an older pair of "hard" shoes in it to change into for any number of reasons, including meeting my then wife "in town" for lunch, dinner, shopping or a movie. You will find that things people don't hide is usually not worth worrying about.
Author sungrl Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 Lakeside, You said you brought a shirt with you to meet your then wife..he wasnt bringing a shirt to meet up with me. I once read an article regarding signs of cheating and they said one was one day he wears something they normally wouldnt..this is someting that would stick out to any g/f or wife. I hope you are right and i am being paranoid. But it seems like something is not adding up. Maybe it is just me though and you are right.
Lia Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Hang in there. We all question whether we are being paranoid. I know that sometimes it is hard to put into words exactly what you are feeling, and honestly, your story was a little hard to follow. However, I could sense that there's more to your story as far as feelings that weren't written. Don't take offense by these questions because I often feel these things which after answering them in your own head brings more light to the situation. Do you feel like he could find someone better than you? Do you feel like you're not attractive enough or sexy enough? Do you feel like you couldn't be without him, that he's your steadfast? These are all signs of low self-esteem... hang in there. Really find out how YOU are doing first.
BlueEyedSarah Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 sungrl, you write many posts about your boyfriend beleiving he does not love you or is cheating on you or is going to break up with you. Sounds like you do not trust him at all, why don't you trust him? Has he given you a reason not to trust him? Your paranoia is the only thing that will push him away. Do you really want that?
LakesideDream Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 jj i can't suprise him at work because we work in different areas. Also, i really dont know if it smelled like perfume or not..he had it in the bag. He brought it with him friday and saturday along with the cut off shirt in a bag. It seems like he never changed into it or something because it was in the bag. Sungrl, I lived in a small community 18k, twenty miles from the "big town" 45k where my then wife worked. I didn't really feel like advertising a service business and fielding questions for dinner. Quite often the kids would meet me at the store and come with me to town for the aformentioned activities. I had been married 13 plus years at that time. You two are GF/BF. That's different. You need to stop making up doomsday senerios and enjoy your relationship, or leave this guy so he can find a new partner who isn't mentally ill.
Balalaika Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Wow. Your self insecurities are at fever pitch. What are you so terrified of... that he's cheating on you?.... OK, if you're gonna play the 'what if' game, play it all the way through instead of staying stuck in this quagmire of paranoia. Say all this microscopic analysis does in fact lead to a reality that he is in fact shagging someone behind your back. Then what?. You get to tell yourself "you just KNEW it!". So what?. Would analysing his every move make you able to control it from happening in the first place?. Nope. Will being on constant guard and catching it after it's been going on for 2 months as opposed to 9 make the pain any less?. Nope. Will you die from the pain?. Nope. Getting hurt is the risk you take when you fall in love, that's the nature of the beast, it doesn't come with signed and sealed guarantees, and it never will. We've ALL been hurt in love. We've all lived to tell the tale. Unless you enjoy and plan to keep living your life, and your boyfriend's life, through a microscope you need to learn to deal with YOUR trust issues. Your relationship isn't a life or death situation. But that's how your treating it by being hyper vigilant. The worst you'll feel should your worst fears come true is pain, and the worst that can happen is you'll go back to being single. You will survive the pain and you survived without him or any other guy at some point in your life before. It sounds like you've been betrayed before and might have beaten yourself up for having missed the 'signs', swore that would never happen again. It's one thing to be cautious in general of your heart, it's another to be over-thinking, over-analysing, pessemistic, paranoid and your own personal terrorist. Lower the stakes Sungrl. You can't control other people and you can't control situations... all you ever have control over is yourself.
jj2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 sungrl, I do not know your background, but I will ask you again, has he ever given you a reason not to trust him?
Author sungrl Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 about a year ago he lied to me about who called him one time..saying it was a guy and through snooping i found out it was an ex he did tell he talked to occassionally..he knew i didnt like it so i guess he hid it..and i think he went out one night without wanting to tell me..to a bar or something
jj2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 If this man is being faithful and you are hounding him then he will not hang around for long. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. You all could also try couples counseling because it does sound like you might have some trust issues. Good luck and I wish you the best!
BlueEyedSarah Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 about a year ago he lied to me about who called him one time..saying it was a guy and through snooping i found out it was an ex he did tell he talked to occassionally..he knew i didnt like it so i guess he hid it..and i think he went out one night without wanting to tell me..to a bar or something Your relationship has no trust. Are you sure its going to work out with him without trust?
Author sungrl Posted August 19, 2007 Author Posted August 19, 2007 blueeyed. i thought something like this is a sign which is why i asked. My friends even said this is something they would notice as well.
Guest Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I last read these forums around a year ago, maybe even longer, and I am astonished that you are STILL posting about your boyfriend's suspected cheating. For heaven's sake get some counselling or end it with him. You have been posting forever about this, life is too short to waste it obsessing over someone who you obviously don't trust.
rockerdude Posted September 27, 2007 Posted September 27, 2007 First...your not paranoid. Those who keep saying that obviously have not been decieved as good as some of us by little nuances that do in fact add up to be lies. Second...you did good if that IS how you handled it with him. You have a right to know and to ask questions. Third...people harped on you about trust...don't let them...trust is earned. And even when in place...past trust does not have anything to do with current bull_ _ _ that may be going on. AND if you have trusted to this point but fell something is not right..why is that? He lied before. Who doesn't or hasn't at some point right? So what do you do??? One person said "IF he is innocent and you keep hounding him he'll run away." If he runs away let him. BUT don't hound him.!!!!! If a man really loves a woman...he'll do anything to keep her. Pay attention, for a while IF things seem normal...then let it go and enjoy the relationship. If you detect something else...OR drop by and he ain't there...etc. Don't jump the gun but ask, "Hey I came by work to say hi and see if you wanted to have lunch but you weren't there..pause... He'll tell you why...make a mental note.. IF the more you find out doesn't make sense, THEN you have to do 1 of 3 things... 1.) Let it go and believe him anyway. (weither it is the truth or not) 2.) Get mad and talk about it ruining the relationship. (and still not knowing if it was you getting mad -or- him lying) 3.) Calmly and discreetly...decide it is in your best interest to know...and do what it takes to find out. Not relying on his words...buthis actions. ....if you find out after some time and effort that he is being faithful....then you don't have to "feel" bad for checking up on him. And you'll be able to move forward with "trust" and confidence with him. But if you find out he is a LIAR....then you can move on with a clean mind about it too. The thing IS ...make up your mind to find out -or- let it go. And if you decide something isn't right...then figure it out, BUT do it slowly over some time. Even when people are caught....it is amazing how they will lie....a story should match up...all the time. Changing stories=changing reality...and that will drive one mad...lol! I'm so tired of everyone acting like the person in question should be trusted. WHY? People are not by and large as a rule...honest, sad but true. And most are swayed by emotional needs & lust. Look at his parents, his upbringing, his previous relationships...the apple does not fall far from the tree. It is never one thing that tells the tale but all of it over time. I used to be a believer that all was good...but even amongst the best in society..I found out, if you smell a hint of crap....there is a horse somewhere..lol. Be nice but don't be stupid. Love but expect a higher standard. If YOU give honesty...expect it in return.
Author sungrl Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 nothing has happened since then..but i seem to find these little things every few months or weeks..some i agree-seems a little off base and nothing to worry about and its probably me being anxious over the possibility but situations like the shirt are things hard to ignore. weird part is--when i call him--he is usually there or calls back with a reasonable excuse..but i guess cheating can happen at anytime if both people want it to happen.
LakesideDream Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Or life with all it's randomness can happen, without infidelity being a part of it. If you put as much time and effort in to self improvment, or into improving your relationship skills you might be able to forget your constant paranoia.
rockerdude Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Put it all in a simpler approach. BE the person YOU want to be. HAVE the relationship that YOU offer him. WAIT.....and ONLY IF something IS way off base, THEN come back to this place of curiosity. Otherwise YOU WILL drive yourself mad, and be paranoid. YOU HAVE TO balance YOURSELF in this equation.... SOMETIMES lettn go...allows you to see it more clearly. I recently quit fighting to "prove" what she did and you know what??? She hung herself on her own words! IT came to me. BUT I gave in and gave her what SHE WANTED, whcih was my trust...and I decided to REALLY NOT THINK ABOUT IT BUT JUST ENJOY HER.....and I was ABLE to see HER for who she really is, not who I confused her to be. Hope this helps...I also paid to have the recording cleaned up, while enjoying the relationship and found out ...that YES I was right. Like I said before....do what needs to be done, without coming undone in the process. Coming undone just gets YOU confused even more. Peace!
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I went back and reviewed your posts. For more than a year now, you've been convinced this guy was cheating on you. When you weren't posting about that, you were posting about your boyfriend's independence and not needing to be around you 100% of the time, how you are frustrated when he goes more than a few hours without talking to you, etc. Do you talk to him about this? How does he handle you constantly thinking he is cheating on you, and you being so clingy and insecure? Did you ever consider getting some help for your neediness and insecurity? You will never have a happy relationship with him or anyone else if you continue on in this way.
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