Author Zapbasket Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 Yes, I am doing all those things. Please, don't tell me the obvious. If there were a magic switch, Trialbyfire, by which I could just "accept it," I'd have flipped it. I'm working on it, and I'm doing the best I can. I hate that I can't just come on here and have a moment of despair and just be supported for that without having it implied that a) I think he should come save my dreams or b) that I should stop wallowing. I work my butt off, I'm constantly trying to get out there and meet new people, and I'm exhausted temporarily. Furthermore I have never been a woman to wait around for a man to create her happiness. It just so happens that I fell in love, and really looked forward to his coming to this city, and I'm crushed that things turned out the way they did, after so much waiting, and all the effort that went into that LDR. And you know, I was raised that you don't treat people like objects that you can use and discard at will. I have a strong sense of ethics and I thought I'd found someone who did, as well. I never thought I could be rejected like this. Yes, I'm shocked. Yes, I believed all these months that surely I would hear from him and this whole mess would be righted. Please, just support me in where I am in trying to deal with it. You know, I really was in love with him and I didn't take that lightly.
Trialbyfire Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 GC, there's a time for mourning and after that, it's time to move on. It doesn't mean I'm doing this because I don't care. What I see is an intelligent woman beating herself up over and over again and I don't like to see this. You know you've got the strength. Screw love 'cause he's pushed you aside. He's gone. There is a switch you can flip and it's inside of you. Look for it instead of cycling the past.
norajane Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 My heart cracked 5 months ago because I loved a man who's been in my life for 20 years and I realized we just couldn't make it work after all. And yes, I mourned and cried and then flipped the switch and got on with my life. You can flip the switch, but you have to accept first. Acceptance will release you from this hell you're in. Acceptance will make you feel ready for a fresh start. Acceptance will allow you to see that there's more to you than what you had wrapped up with this guy.
Author Zapbasket Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 I agree with you that there is a time for mourning and then a time for other things. The thing is, there is not a decree out there that designates when that cut off should be. That's determined by the individual. You can't know what's wrapped up in losing someone for another person. It's just not productive to tell someone, "it's time to move on." Says who? All you succeed in doing is shutting the other person down. YES, I AM MOURNING. And I think that's just fine. If I'm still mourning 10 years from now, then we have a problem. I just know that I am a basically healthy person and so, despite the despair I'm feeling, I trust that that mechanism is at work in me that is going to gradually make me feel better and better. But AT MY OWN PACE. When I come here, I am looking for support for WHERE I AM, as are we all. I always appreciate your posts, TBF--I just need to feel that whatever I'm doing to process what's happened is okay. This is my first long-term relationship; there's a lot to process.
Trialbyfire Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I've watched people cycle like this and basically destroyed themselves in the process. I don't like to see it. Hell, as we speak, I've just ended a three month fiasco with someone. Nvm getting over a serial cheating spouse from a 5 year marriage with someone I thought was the love of my life and was just getting ready to have a family with, divorce, sent him to therapy and are now currently helping him through his own self-esteem issues. The strength is inside you. It's there. You can do it GC. I know it. The first thing you need to do is to stop beating yourself up and feeling like a victim. Get there. You can do it a little at a time. You really can. There is life afterwards and while your logical mind knows it, you need to believe it in your heart and soul.
Author Zapbasket Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 My heart cracked 5 months ago because I loved a man who's been in my life for 20 years and I realized we just couldn't make it work after all. And yes, I mourned and cried and then flipped the switch and got on with my life. You can flip the switch, but you have to accept first. Acceptance will release you from this hell you're in. Acceptance will make you feel ready for a fresh start. Acceptance will allow you to see that there's more to you than what you had wrapped up with this guy. I think you're very psychologically astute, NJ, but in this case I really disagree: there is not a switch. Not one that's healthy. There are no switches, no magic buttons, only processes. Acceptance is a great place to be. But it takes process to get there. My acceptance is coming in little pieces and first I must accept the beauty of the process--slow and painstaking though it is. See? I don't really like having to protest what I'm feeling to get the right to talk with dignity about what I'm feeling. In pushing acceptance and moving on, you're preaching to the choir. This whole board is full of people making effort to move on. If there were a switch we could all flip, this board wouldn't exist. I am grappling with wanting to contact this person because to me, it seems that after a period of time it's only natural that people will get together. I think this idea of chopping people out of your life is maladaptive and ridiculous. So I may just try contacting him and seeing what happens. Sometimes--rarely, but sometimes--people break patterns and surprise us. One of my strengths as a person is that I prefer to live in a way that gives people I care about the opportunity to surprise me. I'm putting this thought process out there because I want to hear other people's processes. A lot of what you've said I agree with. For example, yes, probably his family is not spending much time thinking and musing about me. And I just want to come to the safety of this board and say that really hurts. And you know why? BEcause his family was by far the nicest I'd ever seen up close, and I envied him having a family like that. I felt so lucky and secure that I'd found someone with such a stable and loving family, with whom I shared common interests and had fun. I feel like this wonderful world had opened up to me, who had always wished for siblings and two parents who loved me and an extended family...and it's very sad to see that whole world closed to me. It's sad for several reasons, one which was because my partner always held me in opposition to this family. He'd tell me that they all questioned my choice to move home rather than to their city, and that was awful given I so hoped for their approval. I never understood why he had to tell me that, and I seriously doubt that they ever really said that to him. It all makes for a very painful situation now. I really, really wanted to get married. My life is ready for it now. I don't want to be 45 and still single. I want a family. I know I can't control this, but it's sad that he took all this away and he still has his loving family. It just really, really hurts.
norajane Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 The switch you have to flip is the one where you tell yourself - no more, I'm done letting this pain control me. And then you keep that in mind with every little action and thought you have after that - you can change your reactions. You can stop cycling through the same thoughts over and over. You can stop mourning. But it starts with acceptance. And I don't see that you want to accept it yet. You still have hope - the most pernicious evil in Pandora's Box.
Author Zapbasket Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 You still have hope - the most pernicious evil in Pandora's Box. Yes, and unfortunately for me, I guess--I hold on to hope for a long time where people are concerned. Finally three years ago I was able to let go of hope regarding two friends from high school: I realized that under no uncertain terms were they ever real friends. I gave up on them. I will never contact them. But coming to that absolute point took a long time--10 years, in fact. One thing I've learned with people and time is that contact after the passage of time always is different from how you'd expect it to be. It's more refreshing than sad. Because if regard is still there on both sides, the possibility exists to create an entirely new relationship. This is why I think I'm going to try contacting my ex--it won't kill my hope, but it will change the nature of my expectations, possibly leading to the cessation of hope. I see that I've been circling around the idea of contacting him for a long time, and so I'm just going to put it out there. I wish I had the...grace, is it...to just let it go, but I tend to take a more proactive stance on things. He's in this city. I'm in this city. I care. I must try. Honestly, if he rebuffs me after all this time, then he's an idiot, and I think that would successfully kill my respect for him.
funkybassplayer Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 You know i was like you 3 weeks ago. I was doing fine and then bam the school hols hit, and i hit an all time low, as i loved her kids, and missed tham and we had so much planned. Anyway she had met some1 new soon after we split, and she wanted n/c saying she will contact me!! Anyway i wrote on here shall i send money for kids spending? every1 expet 2 said dont do it. I never but a week later, i was still so depressed. I sent it, with a little note, asking for nothing but heres a few quid for the kids. I never heard nothing, but i did not care cos i did what i needed to do, and in a way her silence is like a thank you. All im saying is that sometimes no matter what anyone says you have to do it, and if you dont then you will always regreat that. Now this was to her kids not her, and im not saying that it will make you feel better to send him a letter, but if you do, dont be needy in it, just say a few simple words that you see fit. Only thing i think though is that you may not be ready to hear a negative responce, i was i was prepeared for her to say, look thanks but dont do that again, or im sending it back, thats why her silence to me is sort of saying thank you. I never expected anything back, and i did this purly for the act of giving to people i love, so i guess my case was different to you, but if you do send anything, be strong, send it, and use that as a way of moving on. I am in a much better place now, and feel so at peace with myself now, and time, and greiving does help, and has made me more aware of myself. I couldnt do what she did go into another relationship as i would have taken in baggage, it would have been impossible in fact, looking back on it,m but thats me, other people are different, and it may be easier for them to just cut us out of their lives, and if they have, again, thats their choice, not ours. If you keep moving forward, you find find that 1 day he may want to say hi, or get intouch, but if you stay in that circle, he wont. Somehow things happen when you let go. Do what you feel you must do. - thats just how i look at things.
Trialbyfire Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Okay GC. It's been 8 months+ since he broke up with you. Maybe it is time to contact him and get it out of your system. Do it and see if it helps. -edit: I should add that this type of proactive contact might help you take some control back to counter the helpless feelings from victim mentality.
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