Disrespectful to break NC?

[Zapbasket]

As I posted on another thread, I'm seriously considering contacting my ex of 8 months, 6 of no contact. I'm sick of wondering What If and I've staved off the urge for two months now, but I feel like I just can't do it anymore.

 

Here's the caveat: 6 months ago, in response to my pleas for a discussion of why he was breaking up with me, he wrote me a cold e-mail that ended, "I'm sorry that I need to say this, but I request that you stop contacting me." the rest of the e-mail was absolutely severing; it was awful and its very awfulness has prevented me from even thinking about contacting him until recently.

 

But here's what I want to know: is that request for life? Would it be blatantly disrespectful to send a short, loving note 6 months later? I try to honor people's requests when those requests are reasonable, but in this case this just feels so extreme, expecially as it was couched in this awful e-mail that repeated over and over, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" and said "I'm no longer your best friend," "I have no obligation to discuss things with you." Frankly, as awful as that e-mail is, it also feels a little ridiculous to me, very childish. It's not like I was some crazy stalker with whom he never had a meaningful connection and I just wouldn't get the point. So to treat his words like some kind of Holy Grail just really feels nuts to me. And I'd like to think that it all feels a little nuts to him by now, as well.

 

What do other people think? Am I breaking some unspoken moral code by just putting a gentle feeler out there? Is breaking NC "bad"?

[Donza]

It will only re-open the wounds.

 

I really want to contact the ex-gf tonight after 2 months of LC and 1 month of N/C.

 

But i cant see what benefit it would do.

 

I kind of hinted we should breakup after an argument. She broke it off completely. On two occasions i asked for a meeting to clear the air and some closure. She bailed last minute on both occasions. After i catogorically stated only turn up if you TRULY want to discuss and clear the air..

 

Now its just dragged on and on and on.

 

If she contacted me it would take me straight to where i was and make me feel much worse.

 

I miss her very badly, moreso today. I saw her sister lastnight at a BBQ. And we said hello etc.

 

I was tempted to ask after my ex. But chose not to...

 

I dont know whether N/C is good or bad. But i will be seeing my ex at my bestfreinds wedding in three months. And i dont think i will be over her by then..

[Aliddy]

I have been following your threads for the past couple of days, and can see that your are in a very unpleasant place at the moment.

 

I agree, his email, seems a little extreme, from what I have read of the circumstances.

 

My opinion is, firstly, if you do nothing, you will stay in this endless circle of " if, buts and maybes "

 

If you make contact, you take the risk, of more rejection, however, it may be, that will enable you to have the closure you so desperately desire.

 

Either way, I hope you find some peace from your turmoil.

[norajane]

Do whatever you want, as long as you are prepared for:

 

- no response at all

- another stinging email asking you to leave him alone

- an email telling you he's happily dating someone else

 

Do you think you could handle those options?

 

What is it you want to say to him?

[livebuzzwords]

if your ex has asked that you not contact them anymore you should do EXACTLY that. when someone tells you, in such a way as you stated, that they want no contact - its best to try your best to do that and move on. moving on, doesn't happen over night, but, if you don't contact them, and leave the last word, being their harsh statement, you will have taken the highroad, grown as a person and will start seeing things in a different light with the passage of time. i know its hard, but it happens to lots of people out there - sometimes its hard to accept how a person will treat you during a breakup and you may find it confusing [after all, you both didn't get practice at it] but life is like that. so, best of luck.

[Zapbasket]

Do whatever you want, as long as you are prepared for:

 

- no response at all

- another stinging email asking you to leave him alone

- an email telling you he's happily dating someone else

 

Do you think you could handle those options?

 

What is it you want to say to him?

 

No, I don't . I think what I want is what I think is perfectly reasonable and normal: not to be treated like some kind of wacko freak and to be treated with respect when I ask my ex-partner of 5 years if we can meet and talk.

 

As for what I want to say to him, well, right now I want to tell him to rot in hell! For inflicting this on me, for hurting me in the number-one way to get to me--by cutting off all communication and showing contempt for all my efforts to discuss things: "One of the reasons I don't want to discuss things with you is that there will never be enough discussion, just as there never was enough arguing, or phone discussions, etc." ****er! I wouldn't hurt so much all these months later if I didn't care so much, and if I weren't so shocked that someone could really do this to someone else. I WOULD NEVER have done this to someone before, but now that I know in spades just how it feels, I WILL NEVER do it to someone, EVER.

 

But what I originally wanted to say was just this: "I've missed you every day. I hope you're doing well. Maybe we could meet for a coffee or a drink sometime, now that we're both living in the city."

 

And yet, as I write that, I see how his words continue to make even that gesture nearly impossible. I just thought that if MAYBE he's hurting half as much as I am, such a reaching out on my part could be welcome. I've seen him shut down in the past about other things, and I know that beneath that wall, he wasn't happy; he was very vulnerable, hence the wall. Why would this be any different? *That* is that knowledge that makes me think it might be remotely reasonable to reach out to him.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks Donza, Aliddy, NJ, and LBW.

 

I hope you find some peace from your turmoil.

 

Thanks Aliddy. I've been following your threads, as well. How weak your ex showed himself to be; I'm so sorry because it hurts so much to discover that someone you love isn't who you thought they were. I think a lot of us are good people with great qualities in the day to day matters, but then when the **** hits the fan most of us lack the mettle to stay loyal and act unselfishly.

 

Yah, I really am experiencing quite a bit of turmoil. I guess it's my last desperate thrash before I'm forced to sever this person from my memory. I resent so much that it has come to this; I'd like to have a nice closure that enables us to walk away with the gifts the relationship gave each of us, rather than walk away with confusion and bitterness. It's such a sick joke that after all that awful long distance, here we are just a few subway stops away from each other...all the tangible obstacles that complicated our relationship in the past are at last removed, and he doesn't even want to see what it was he was waiting around for. I know I was worth waiting around for.

 

I dont know whether N/C is good or bad. But i will be seeing my ex at my bestfreinds wedding in three months. And i dont think i will be over her by then..

 

Donza, I'm sorry for what's happened with your partner. It's too bad she just couldn't tell you she wasn't yet ready for a face to face discussion of things, rather than just being a no-show.

 

And I think you're probably right: you probably won't be over her in three months. But as I said in another thread, I really think the goal should not be "getting over" someone, but "working through" the pain of the loss, the regret, etc. You can't just sweep people like crumbs under rug of your past--and if you could I don't think it would feel so good in the long haul.

 

And dang, I can't imagine having to face my partner in a wedding. One of the lucky/unlucky aspects of our situation is that we have no mutual friends and so it's highly likely that I'll never see him again. I fear every day that I'll bump into him; New York has a way of coughing up people from your past when you least expect it and since we like to do so many of the same activities, I'm afraid we'll run into one another. I do regret that we have no mutual friend who could give each of a feel for where the other stands. The prospect of writing him would then feel much less threatening and uncertain.

 

if you don't contact them, and leave the last word, being their harsh statement, you will have taken the highroad,

 

Livebuzzwords, I can totally see myself giving the very advice you gave to someone in my position. It's just that when does stubbornness matched with stubbornness get anyone anywhere? I don't want to be right in this case, I just want some kind of decent, mutual, respectful ending to this whole relationship that had plenty of good as well as not-so-good. In my dreams, I want us to try again. But nothing can happen with out a meeting, and a willingness, after several meetings, to talk things over. I resent being treated like some kind of enemy. I was a good girlfriend. I loved him, and was 100% loyal and then some. I read about your mature ending with your previous ex. That's the kind of thing I want, the kind of respect extended to me. I hate that this maladaptive door-slamming has to be the Final Word of the relationship, leaving me devastated. Such a friggin waste.

[norajane]

No, I don't .

 

Then don't reach out. You aren't ready to do so without opening the door to more pain and anguish that will set your healing back to square one. Revisit the issue in another few months if you must.

 

The trick is to contact him when you can handle whatever the response - or non-response - is.

[Zapbasket]

Then don't reach out. You aren't ready to do so without opening the door to more pain and anguish that will set your healing back to square one. Revisit the issue in another few months if you must.

 

The trick is to contact him when you can handle whatever the response - or non-response - is.

 

This is the crux of my turmoil, though: I'm already having a hard time. I've staved off an intense impulse to contact him for two months now, and I'm becoming consumed by the tension of holding this impulse at bay. It's hard because during the relationship, for a long time I was rewarded for my persistence and refusal to accept his door-slamming by his finally--and somewhat gratefully--coming round.

 

What if I write him a snail-mailed letter and, if I receive a letter in response, I give it to a close friend to open. If it's nasty, I'll tell her not to tell me about it, to spare myself.

 

I don't know that I can bear this silence any longer. At the same time as I write this, NJ, I'm reminded of something you wrote to me several months ago, to imagine how nice it could be not to always have to wheedle and beg for scraps of important communication from my partner. I do hate having to constantly be the one to try to break through the walls he puts up. But so far the pain of not having him in my life has superceded the pain of this strain of ongoing conflict between us.

[norajane]

But so far the pain of not having him in my life has superceded the pain of this strain of ongoing conflict between us.

 

And, as he's made clear, it works exactly the opposite for him. The strain of the ongoing conflict supersedes whatever pain of not having you in his life.

 

Also, this is why you wouldn't be able to not read a letter he wrote in response. You'd rather have the conflict even if it's painful. So don't fool yourself into thinking you wouldn't rip that letter open the instant you found it in your mailbox.

[Zapbasket]

So don't fool yourself into thinking you wouldn't rip that letter open the instant you found it in your mailbox.

 

Dammit, NJ, you're probably right. You just shined the flashlight on the miserable little bug of my hope. Dammit!

 

Okay, then...is it okay if I write to his parents? there, I really wouldn't expect a response. Why do I want to write to them, you ask? Because I never got to say goodbye, and they touched my life, and I want to thank them for various of their kindnesses to me. They didn't break up with me, and surely it would mean something to them to receive a no-strings-attached letter stating simply, "Thank you for X and X nd X; I was, and am, very fond of you both"?

[directx]

I would just write

"Hey, how you doing?"

 

And play it really cool like this. I wouldnt even get into any 'i miss you talk'. Let him offer and share what he wants. Dont appear needy.

[Hurt & Alone]

[quote=GreenCove;

 

Okay, then...is it okay if I write to his parents? there, I really wouldn't expect a response. Why do I want to write to them, you ask? Because I never got to say goodbye, and they touched my life, and I want to thank them for various of their kindnesses to me. They didn't break up with me, and surely it would mean something to them to receive a no-strings-attached letter stating simply, "Thank you for X and X nd X; I was, and am, very fond of you both"?

 

I would not contact his parents no matter how much they meant to you. They will tell him you contacted them by letter and chances are he will think this is some type of freakish way of reaching out to him.

I was in a relationship for eight yeras with a man that his parnets really wanted us to get married. They considered me the daughter they never had. But then they also knew we had a lot of problems in the rel. I loved them as my own parents but knew once I left I could not contact them either. They are a part of each other so saying goodbye to one was saying goodbye to them all, even if you never had the chance to. Leave the fond memories for them just as that, someday, you never know you may run into them and be able to communicate with out worring what did they think about my letter. It happend to me.

[Zapbasket]

I would not contact his parents no matter how much they meant to you. They will tell him you contacted them by letter and chances are he will think this is some type of freakish way of reaching out to him.

 

So frustrating!!!! Even if my communication very clearly gives the vibe that this is meant for them and has nothing to do with their son? I was hoping that if that's the vibe my letter gives off, they'll spare him from knowing that I wrote to them. Why cause their son pain? Why wouldn't they just let it be? They're discreet people. Is that an unreasonable expectation?

[norajane]

So frustrating!!!! Even if my communication very clearly gives the vibe that this is meant for them and has nothing to do with their son? I was hoping that if that's the vibe my letter gives off, they'll spare him from knowing that I wrote to them. Why cause their son pain? Why wouldn't they just let it be? They're discreet people. Is that an unreasonable expectation?

 

Come on, GC - it has everything to do with their son and you know it! You're hoping they reply back and tell you he misses you, at the very least.

 

They may be discreet, but hearing from you out of the blue after how many months is something they will tell their son, yes they will. And maybe you are hoping that will be a catalyst for him to contact you.

[Zapbasket]

Come on, GC - it has everything to do with their son and you know it! You're hoping they reply back and tell you he misses you, at the very least.

 

They may be discreet, but hearing from you out of the blue after how many months is something they will tell their son, yes they will. And maybe you are hoping that will be a catalyst for him to contact you.

 

Oh poo, you caught me again:p! So yes, my sincere desire to contact them is alloyed with hope to restore what was lost. And I'm sure that would be apparent to them as well. That still doesn't subtract from the sincerity of my words in their eyes, does it? Can't I be heartbroken about the whole thing, and not be a "freak" in their eyes?

 

I'm so miserable right now that maybe I'll just do it all in one go: the short, sweet, non-"needy" letter to my partner like directx suggested, mailed on the same day as the thank you/goodbye letter to his parents. I just can't stand this anymore.

 

Here's what blows my mind about the whole thing: usually, when we contemplate reaching out to someone whose feelings towards us we are uncertain of, we envision all kinds of horrible rejections and usually that's not what happens at all. I've become confident over the years that my approaches to people will be met with happiness and warmth, because that's what happened more often than not. I used to be horribly insecure and then realized I had no need to be. But in the case of breakups, everyone talks like you'll be viewed as the Black Plague itself if you dare to reach out after a reasonable amount of time has passed. Surely, surely his parents won't receive my letter and say, "How pathetic, how freaky, how mentally deranged."

 

This is what I mean. All my expectations about people, thrown into confusion. Am I being really deluded?

[norajane]

When you reach out to people with uncertainty but no ulterior motive, yes, you are often likely to get a warm response.

 

But when you have motives behind it, and are hoping for a certain reaction or outcome, the people you are reaching out to are likely to see through what you say to them on the surface. Your words might be genuine, but there's more behind them that is unsaid, and that always comes through because the people you are reaching out to are not unaware of the context.

[Zapbasket]

So what you're saying, it seems, is that his parents will be creeped out only because they'll know that what I WANT is to have my relationship restored with my partner, and they can't give me that, and so no response they give me will suffice in their eyes, and so they'll feel put in an awkward position.

 

What if, then, I say, "Please do not feel you need to write me back"? I mean, yes, I have these hopes, but I also feel totally bummed that these people were so kind to me and I never got to say goodbye. The last time I saw them was last July, and they hugged me and said, "See you at Christmas," and fully expected to see me then, and then I never came. They did nothing to me, nor I to them. I just would like to get closure in some small, humane respect in this whole mess.

 

As for my partner, again, given the history there is no way I could send anything that's not laden with the weight of the past. It's unavoidable. That's why originally I'd though differently from Directx, that I should say I miss him, and hope he's doing well, and say that I'd like to meet him for a coffee sometime if he's up for it. That puts my cards on the table without overwhelming him with, "I want to get back together," since I'm not sure that's possible; I, too, would go into any meeting we have with just as much uncertainty as him. If I just write "Hey, what's up?" then that whole letter reeks of ulterior motive, since I state no motive for writing him.

 

Surely there's an "etiquette" to making contact after a rift? Am I following it at all?

[Trialbyfire]

Please GC, listen to nj. She has it down pat. Also, sometimes you have to walk away, especially when they're unhealthy for you. Let go. He's gone.

 

He knows where to find you if he wants to make contact, although even then, I'm not certain it would a wise idea considering how invested you still are after such an extended period of time.

 

You have to look inside yourself, draw that strength and honestly walk away.

 

Boys really are a nasty habit, aren't they?

[norajane]

What if, then, I say, "Please do not feel you need to write me back"? I mean, yes, I have these hopes, but I also feel totally bummed that these people were so kind to me and I never got to say goodbye. The last time I saw them was last July, and they hugged me and said, "See you at Christmas," and fully expected to see me then, and then I never came. They did nothing to me, nor I to them. I just would like to get closure in some small, humane respect in this whole mess.

 

You are looking for kindness and politeness and closure from THEM because you cannot get it from HIM.

 

Look, they're not as bummed as you are at your disappearance. Their son is their priority, and you were a part of his life so they embraced you. Now that you are not part of his life, they aren't sitting around wishing they'd had a chance to say good-bye. They're meeting his next girlfriend, or planning their next vacation, or redecorating the family room. That's not to say they didn't genuinely like you, but they already know exactly why you didn't come for Christmas and they aren't really feeling any unfinished business like you are.

 

Surely there's an "etiquette" to making contact after a rift? Am I following it at all?

This wasn't a rift - a break in friendly relations. This was a break-up. The rules are, if it's going to make you cry if he doesn't reply, if he's cold in his reply, or if he tells you he's seeing someone else, don't contact him.

[Zapbasket]

Okay, NJ, I'm going to be really dogged here: So it's not REMOTELY within thte realm of possibility that I'm still on their radar in some small way? I really doubt that he has a new gf yet; he has a myspace and a flickr account that both list him as single. Not that that indicates anything, but unless he's done a complete turnaround of his whole person, which I doubt, as he is a fairly rigid person, he's not going to leap into dating right away.

 

I simply can't wrap my mind around violently discarding someone, dusting off, and moving on with a glow in your eye, cheeks flushed, and a dance in your step. Not unless the person you got rid of was crap and you never loved them. My mother would be ashamed of me if I had treated him like he treated me. I would feel awful until I set things right with the other person.

 

I think I am a wonderful person. Not perfect, not great, but pretty dang awesome. I'm sorry for my narcissism here but I really can't imagine that it could be so easy to just dump me and think, "I'll find something better." The thought of his whole family not giving a **** that I'm still suffering, his whole family feeling proud of their perfect (for so they viewed him) son, makes me sick. I just hate this all so much; I never thought I'd experience abandonment on this scale.

 

so that's just the way it goes, huh? Be involved until it ceases to go to your liking, then just drop the person and move on. I feel sick.

[norajane]

I remember trying to explain this to you before, and I'm going to try again. Although it seems to you that he just dropped you suddenly, you have to understand that he checked out of the relationship some time before he actually broke up with you.

 

He had plenty of time to turn it over in his mind and figure out how he felt. He took as much time as he needed to be sure he no longer wanted this relationship. THEN he broke up with you. So yes, as harsh as it may seem to you, he was probably READY to start dating other people even BEFORE he left you.

 

ETA: And of course you're a wonderful person - a break up doesn't mean you aren't wonderful or even that he didn't think you were wonderful. He just realized that he didn't believe you two were wonderful for each other and you weren't wonderful together.

[Zapbasket]

This is one instance where I feel I have more data than you--I just don't think he was consciously checking out of the relationship, and I don't think he was ready to begin dating again. I think I was with someone who really did not know himself or what he wanted or where he was headed, and he just went along with things, even down to agreeing to move to New York (my idea, not his). And then he did what he'd done before when he got really upset and anxious, only I didn't recognize the continuation of the pattern: he shut down. And then I became terrified because I felt alienated, and so I became alternately needy and angry towards him, which shut him down more. If he was falling out of love with me I'd have felt it. He held grudges, he did not know how to handle his anger, and I think his anger brought him to breaking point and that was it.

 

See, this is where I'm confused: my intuition leads me somewhere, and then someone here says, "He just doesn't care," and then I get addled because I feel in my gut that it was more complicated than that.

 

I'm really just in terra incognita. I find it so incredibly insulting that I could be just discarded like this. Insulting that he's convinced he could go get better and be happier when he didn't even bother to communicate his needs and wants with me. Insulted that he knew I was struggling with my thesis, with having no money and living at home, and rather than try to lighten my burden he just stood by and judged me. I'm insulted that now we're in the same city and he's much more financially secure than me, and has a big family while I only have my mother. I feel like I lost everything, and he walked away scott-free. I didn't deserve this. I just thought I could reach out and be treated with respect, and you're making me feel like that's totally outside the realm of possibility. Not that you're wrong, but it just really hurts, especially when he dumped me during a time when I was at my most vulnerable. It's like his breakup with me was a stamp he smashed down on my forehead: "You will always be a pathetic mess like this." I just hate this. How can I cope with this? How do you get over this being done to you? I have a **** salary, I don't like my coworkers, I don't have any family and I no longer have lots of connections in this city. Honestly, sometimes I just want to close my eyes and die.

[norajane]

I'm sure you've heard the Serenity Prayer:

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

You can change your job and have a better salary and different co-workers. You can get involved in activities that will allow you to meet new people - there are art galleries, movie or dinner clubs, alumni clubs, exercise classes. Go to a philosophy lecture and hang around for the wine and cheese and meet people. You don't have to be alone.

 

But you can't change what happened with your bf. And you can't keep beating your head against that wall hoping he will come back and save your dreams.

[Trialbyfire]

Enough of victim mentality. Get out of this trough of wallowing in pathos. The guy is gone. Let...it...go. You don't have to want him back as your friend or otherwise, just get back on your own two feet. You're slowly destroying yourself.

 

You've got it in you to break free. Do it. HE'S GONE. Accept it.