sb129 Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 You don't need to turn being mad at them into a pastime, you just need to distance yourself from them. If you see them, be polite and friendly, but not suggestive or flirty.
lino Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I also have another question...regarding that guy that I DID like. Even though I did sleep with him before when we aren't exclusive, should I still be mad at him? Should I just drop him as a friend for mentioning that to me? Then again, I feel guilty since we were both in the wrong in the beginning for having sex without being in a relationship together. So how should I go about this, and especially since our families are friends, like I'll see him again AND his cousin, so how do I deal with this? And should I be mad at them both or wha, even though I made a mistake in the beginning?! Its hard to say because I don't really know the guys but if you think they're worth having as friends then its up to you. Just don't do them any sexual favours & if they don't pay so much attention to you as before then you'll know they were only interested in 1 thing from the start. If you are offended at being asked to have a 3some then yeah you have a right to be upset at your mate & you should let him know about it. No one should be pushing you into something you don't wanna do. What about the 'nice' guy you were talking about in another thread of yours? Are yu still seeing him? If you start getting closer with him & these 2 mates of yours get really distant then that's another sign that they were interested in you just to 'get some.' Hope this helps
uniqueone Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I also have another question...regarding that guy that I DID like. Even though I did sleep with him before when we aren't exclusive, should I still be mad at him? Should I just drop him as a friend for mentioning that to me? Then again, I feel guilty since we were both in the wrong in the beginning for having sex without being in a relationship together. So how should I go about this, and especially since our families are friends, like I'll see him again AND his cousin, so how do I deal with this? And should I be mad at them both or wha, even though I made a mistake in the beginning?! Remember what I was saying to you earlier, Chill Chic? Here you are asking us if you should be mad or not. That's part of how you look to others to tell you how you feel, how you think and more. When you do that, you're placing yourself in the hands of others and others are unpredictable. That makes you VERY vulnerable. What is YOUR view on being mad at him? How do you actually FEEL? Don't think about how you think you're "supposed" to feel, think about how you actually feel. If you actually feel mad at him still, then you should be mad at him still. You have every right to your feelings. They're YOURS....not anyone elses...and no one can tell you what they should or shouldn't be. Don't look to others to tell you what your feelings are. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to SHOW your feelings all the time. How you choose to deal with him when you encounter him is different. The best approach is usually to act polite yet cool.
Author chill chic Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 Its hard to say because I don't really know the guys but if you think they're worth having as friends then its up to you. Just don't do them any sexual favours & if they don't pay so much attention to you as before then you'll know they were only interested in 1 thing from the start. If you are offended at being asked to have a 3some then yeah you have a right to be upset at your mate & you should let him know about it. No one should be pushing you into something you don't wanna do. What about the 'nice' guy you were talking about in another thread of yours? Are yu still seeing him? If you start getting closer with him & these 2 mates of yours get really distant then that's another sign that they were interested in you just to 'get some.' Hope this helps Thanks lino I actually did get an email today from that guy, and we pretty much talk or write on an every other day basis, which is good, because it's not so overbearing and it's just enough to keep me happy. Even though he might throw in a "sex" vibe when writes, his actions are much different, and that is why we haven't had sex yet. And like I've said before, he is honestly the first guy that hasn't tried to actually have sex with me after all the times I've spend with him, so I guess actions speak louder than words in this case.
Author chill chic Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 Remember what I was saying to you earlier, Chill Chic? Here you are asking us if you should be mad or not. That's part of how you look to others to tell you how you feel, how you think and more. When you do that, you're placing yourself in the hands of others and others are unpredictable. That makes you VERY vulnerable. What is YOUR view on being mad at him? How do you actually FEEL? Don't think about how you think you're "supposed" to feel, think about how you actually feel. If you actually feel mad at him still, then you should be mad at him still. You have every right to your feelings. They're YOURS....not anyone elses...and no one can tell you what they should or shouldn't be. Don't look to others to tell you what your feelings are. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to SHOW your feelings all the time. How you choose to deal with him when you encounter him is different. The best approach is usually to act polite yet cool. ok well this is what I concluded, on how I feel about him. I know we WILL see each other again, because our families are friends, and I thought it was the right thing to do to tell it to him straight and make it less awkward so we can be civil adults about this. If anything, if it was awkward and people could tell, especially my parents and his, then they'd be asking what was wrong, and I just want this to be over with, no more wondering. so I wrote him this: "I know we slept together and all…maybe a mistake…and obvioulsy the answer from all of this is…it is what it is..and I don't want to make a scene..." well that's what I messaged him.
uniqueone Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 ok well this is what I concluded, on how I feel about him. I know we WILL see each other again, because our families are friends, and I thought it was the right thing to do to tell it to him straight and make it less awkward so we can be civil adults about this. If anything, if it was awkward and people could tell, especially my parents and his, then they'd be asking what was wrong, and I just want this to be over with, no more wondering. so I wrote him this: "I know we slept together and all…maybe a mistake…and obvioulsy the answer from all of this is…it is what it is..and I don't want to make a scene..." well that's what I messaged him. Isn't that sort of a vague message though? What is that really saying to him? And I don't get the point in sending that either. If you don't MAKE a scene, then there won't BE a scene. Why do you have to state it? If you feel you must say something, how about: "The intimacy was a mistake that I'd like to put in the past, however, I hope we can continue to be amicable when in each others presence."
Author chill chic Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 Isn't that sort of a vague message though? What is that really saying to him? And I don't get the point in sending that either. If you don't MAKE a scene, then there won't BE a scene. Why do you have to state it? If you feel you must say something, how about: "The intimacy was a mistake that I'd like to put in the past, however, I hope we can continue to be amicable when in each others presence." yah I don't f n know
lonelybird Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I also have another question...regarding that guy that I DID like. Even though I did sleep with him before when we aren't exclusive, should I still be mad at him? Should I just drop him as a friend for mentioning that to me? Then again, I feel guilty since we were both in the wrong in the beginning for having sex without being in a relationship together. So how should I go about this, and especially since our families are friends, like I'll see him again AND his cousin, so how do I deal with this? And should I be mad at them both or wha, even though I made a mistake in the beginning?! chill chic If previous behaviour (have intimate sex relationship early and aren't exclusive) did not bring success, how about try anti-dote? Don't have sex relationship with them until you develop deep feeling and commitment with them? try to say "NO" to them no matter how much pressure they put on you, you DON'T owe them anything, and submissive to every their whim isn't going to bring love you want. It is a equal thing. SAME behaviour pattern only bring SAME result. so how about try different approach? It would be fun, and bring good feeling about yourself I find you don't define clear boundaries with them, just follow what they lead. the core reason of this don't-define-boundaries is that you are confusing inside of you. You didn't figure out WHO you are yet. In fact, if you know how God looks at you with his unconditional love, you will know who you are, what value you have, and define boundaries would be easy. Or just ask Lord to teach you. a prayer can do so much if you heartly ask Lord I tried, I got Lord's help, and I changed much, and I like today's myself more
Arizona100 Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Yes, I would kick him out of my life (if you cant, just politely ignore him "hello, how are you? Good, well, have a good day". Probably, he will never respect you (but hey, I could be wrong). As for your mistakes, everybody makes mistakes! Don't linger on them, learn from them. Don't feel guilty, it's never too late to improve. Don't listen to people telling you what you are, only you know what you are and what you want to be in the future. Maybe, set yourself goals. Like, next time you date a guy, goal is no sex for 4 weeks (it's just an example related to the topic... could be "I am going to work on kissing my mom "good morning" everyday when I wake up and make her happy", whatever ....) And they're right, work on respecting yourself first by saying "no", you wont attract anyone good for you by saying yes to everything and anything
Author chill chic Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 hey thanks for your support. as of respect for myself, I know I don't, and I know I deserve better, I'm a worthwhile, sweet person and my true friends and family know that. It's just been an up hill battle since I was with my ex of 4 years from when I was 18-23, it was a controlling, and abusive relationship and I thought it was all over with, all my problems when I left him. But my mistake was that I didn't give myself enough time to take time into loving and learning about myself, the person I was before I met him. Because about 2 months after I left him, I hopped into another relationship, and that's what continued the "bad boy" whirlwind that I've been in the middle of for more than 2 years. Like my mom had told me before, I should've seeked help when I left my ex, and if she even knew what I've been doing since then, she'd flip a lid. And then I got into thata fwb relationship that lasted for over a year, which led to even worse self-esteem problems, I was trained pretty much to be a trophy, and even though I felt good about myself, I felt attractive that an ex baseball pro liked me, that I guess I was in some fantasy and not looking at the real picture and disrespecting my true self. I even messed around when I was with him, because I wasn't his real gf. then after he moved, I was crushed, just because I had spent time with him every week or weekend for the past year 1/2. and again, I was lost. I thought I was doing fine, because I hadn't messed around with any guy since he left, that was last September and now come July, a year later, I messed around with this guy I've been talking about and another guy that I hadn't mentioned on here. That's been it, but that's enough, and now I'm looking to pursue a true and real relationship with a new guy that does show respect for me, I still will have trust issues, but with him, I'm taking it slow and appreciating my time with him more. I do still want to get professional help for the behavior I've shown and even though I great awesome help from you guys on here, I think it's time for a doctor to evaluate and dig deeper into the core so I can deal with my emotions in a smart, safe way.
uniqueone Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 You're too afraid of a real relationship. That's why you gravitate towards the people that you do. They're safe because they're not going to get too close and they're also more exciting and dangerous to boot which gives you a rush. And yes, when they're well known or successful it's a huge boost to your self esteem. You feel you've been selected over others...that you're special. Even though you start to realize that it's not true.....that they are probably treating other women the same way, but you delude yourself in order to live that fantasy. He says something that makes you feel good and you live off of that comment like it's the tree of life. It feeds you and sustains you. Have you ever thought of...not having a relationship for any period of time?
sb129 Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 chill chic If previous behaviour (have intimate sex relationship early and aren't exclusive) did not bring success, how about try anti-dote? Don't have sex relationship with them until you develop deep feeling and commitment with them? try to say "NO" to them no matter how much pressure they put on you, you DON'T owe them anything, and submissive to every their whim isn't going to bring love you want. It is a equal thing. SAME behaviour pattern only bring SAME result. so how about try different approach? It would be fun, and bring good feeling about yourself I find you don't define clear boundaries with them, just follow what they lead. the core reason of this don't-define-boundaries is that you are confusing inside of you. You didn't figure out WHO you are yet. Good post LB. This part anyways! You're too afraid of a real relationship. That's why you gravitate towards the people that you do. They're safe because they're not going to get too close and they're also more exciting and dangerous to boot which gives you a rush. And yes, when they're well known or successful it's a huge boost to your self esteem. You feel you've been selected over others...that you're special. Even though you start to realize that it's not true.....that they are probably treating other women the same way, but you delude yourself in order to live that fantasy. He says something that makes you feel good and you live off of that comment like it's the tree of life. It feeds you and sustains you. Have you ever thought of...not having a relationship for any period of time? I think thats what you really need CC. Some time out from men, some time out for you to just enjoy yourself and mature. Being single at 26 is a great time to be single, learn a bit about yourself, and grow up! I am not saying you are immature, but I think your attitude towards men needs an overhaul, and what better way to do that than have some you time to reflect and learn from your mistakes?
McFadden Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 McFadden, is your attitude getting a lot of respect from your friends and guys you sleep with in multiples? Have you had a lot of experience with three-ways and found that it worked well for you and has gotten/maintained for you, permanent functional relationships? Are you looking out for the best interests of the poster, especially since the poster isn't advocating same? I ask these questions because of the pertinency to how strongly you stand by your opinions within this thread. McF, if you want to go jump into bed with whomever and however, thats totally up to you. I suspect that with time you may come around to getting what TBF, Uniqueone and the rest of us who have been around the block a few times are actually talking about, but go find out for yourself, its the best way!!! Thanks but I choose not to be on the particularly wild side in my own sex life, and I think people who are don't need to be judged as inferior. I wouldn't care about the respect of anyone who respects people based on what they do with thier own bodies, thats too personal. This may not have been the thread for getting into it but I was surprised at how strongly opinionated people were against some guy suggesting a threesome. It never occurred to me that its a rude suggestion, really. But you learn something every day, maybe if I ever ask that I'll say "do you want to have a kinky nasty threesome, by the way here have some sparkling water and variety pack cheese cubes, my treat" to make sure its not rude. Oh well, threads always go on tangents. I do still want to get professional help for the behavior I've shown and even though I great awesome help from you guys on here, I think it's time for a doctor to evaluate and dig deeper into the core so I can deal with my emotions in a smart, safe way. Are you sure you want to give your money to some overpaid quack? It already seems like you analyze everything that goes on too much for your own good. You know what kinky attention seeking behavior you need to change to feel better about yourself, I think you can just do it, cut it out like quitting cigarettes or something. I'm going to have an AA in psychology after finishing 3 more units and have volunteered in a counseling center a lot, so I have an idea what goes on and I think "wow this is a lot of crap."
McFadden Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Oh yeah and the mandatory first step is to change your avatar. Sorry but Barbie's head is literally full of air and doesn't project a self sufficient, intellectual, valuable-for-your-personality image. What about a picture of Hillary Clinton or something? Nah that wasn't serious at all before anyone has anything to say..
lino Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 ok well this is what I concluded, on how I feel about him. I know we WILL see each other again, because our families are friends, and I thought it was the right thing to do to tell it to him straight and make it less awkward so we can be civil adults about this. If anything, if it was awkward and people could tell, especially my parents and his, then they'd be asking what was wrong, and I just want this to be over with, no more wondering. so I wrote him this: "I know we slept together and all…maybe a mistake…and obvioulsy the answer from all of this is…it is what it is..and I don't want to make a scene..." well that's what I messaged him. No offense but that message you sent is a little weak & doesn't really say much. I can understand that you don't want things to be awkward as you're family friends but you still need to let people know when they make you upset or uncomfortable. Just let him know clearly that if you wanna remain friends it has to be only that. I agree with others here that maybe you're not genuinely looking for a relationship right now? Maybe it isn't a bad idea to be single for a while or if you really do wanna be seeing someone to keep seeing the guy you were talking about in another thread which seems like a step in the right direction since from what you say things are ok
uniqueone Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I'm going to have an AA in psychology after finishing 3 more units and have volunteered in a counseling center a lot, so I have an idea what goes on and I think "wow this is a lot of crap." You're counseling people and you liken her problems to a cigarette habit? You've got go be kidding!
kitty99b Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 wow this is some thread huh? Well from what I can see cc is already on the right track. you realized what you did wrong and more importantly you're willing to change for better. to be honest I don't think any professional help is going to say anything that you haven't already heard or realized for yourself. It's all about common sense. And don't think that there is anything wrong with you, it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them..how else would you learn?! So my advice is to just take some time to discover yourself, take time off from guys...i think all this stuff has gotten into your head and some time off should clear your head. good luck!!
oppath Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 It never occurred to me that its a rude suggestion, really. But you learn something every day, maybe if I ever ask that I'll say "do you want to have a kinky nasty threesome, by the way here have some sparkling water and variety pack cheese cubes, my treat" to make sure its not rude. It was rude because it made her feel objectified and like a piece of meat, regardless of his intent in suggesting it. Moreover, the context of it, as I have pointed out several times, was immature and inappropriate. If I slept with a girl, and drunkenly called her at 3 am saying "I'm drunk and horny and want to **** you" it would be a rude insulting way to suggest a booty call. Calling her for a booty call itself isn't rude, asking for it in that way would be. If this guy were talking to her and he asked "have you ever or would you be willing to be in a 3-some?" If she said "yes, depending on the people." THEN he could say "my buddy and I were talking about it; we're both really attracted to you. Is that something you would consider?" That is not what happened. He called her drunk at 3am and said "my buddy and I want you to come over so we can both **** you." Puhleeze!
uniqueone Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Yeah, you kind of realize you're nothing special to the guy when he says that. Because if you were special to the guy, he wouldn't want you with another guy. I've been in the situation myself so I know how it feels.
Kamille Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 This is quite the thread indeed! But hi cc. I just want to say: Do youself a favor and stop worrying about being friends with these guys. Stop trying to interpret the guy you like's behavior so that it fits a scenario where he would still be into you enough to want to be your boyfriend. I think this is part of your addiction to the attention, and highs, you get from men. You rationnalize their behavior so that you can salvage the esteem boost you get from their attention. You want to keep him into your life so that you get the chance to recapture the admiration you think he feels or has felt for you. You think that by redeeming his behavior in some way, by making it seem less disrespectful of your boundaries, you are saving your self-esteem. You are thereby still anchoring your sense of self-worth in what this guy thinks of you. No, this guy isn't interested in being your boyfriend and he won't be anytime soon. Therefore, since what you are looking for is companionship and a relationship, you are now free to dump his a$$ as both a friend or a potential b-friend. MOVE on. Get this guys out of your life. See how good that actually will feel. Learn to set your boundaries in other situations with other guys. Believe me, your self-esteem will get a boost, this time one that comes from within. As for the highs you get from the attention, find other positive ways to get the same kind of highs. I get the same highs from the recognition I get at work and that got me into trouble because I became a workaholic and eventually burned out. I was told those highs are the result of a release of endorphins (feel good hormones) which exercise and relaxation also promote. Start medidating and doing yoga. Start training for a marathon and get yourself a runner's high. Set yourself other goals and challenges that will also get you to feel rewarded.
Author chill chic Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 lastnight I had a dream that I was with that other guy (his friend). and whenever I did see him or hang out with him, I was kinda attracted to him, so now whenever I'll see him I'll always wonder...like I'd just do it and get it over with, and it would be the last bad scenerio and get it out of my system. I am reallllllly confused because now I'm interested again and I don't know how to feel about this and I'm NOT interested in a relationship with either of them because they are immature and any kind of relationship wouldn't work, I know that, but I'm just curious I guess.
Star Gazer Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 How's your relationship with your father, CC?
Author chill chic Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 How's your relationship with your father, CC? I'm not as close to him as my mom. We get along great, but he's a passive kind of dad.
cr8sea Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 friends don't let friends do their friends. HAHAHA thats hilarious...and true.... In any case...why he said that? cuz he's...."superfreak! superfreak! he's superfreaaakeee!" (perfect song for him) Now sounds to me....he just wants to see his friend doing you....maybe not so much him doing his friend....but why risk it...it is all so very gross anyway. So uhhh yeah, not so much....i mean, unless ur into all that.......
uniqueone Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 lastnight I had a dream that I was with that other guy (his friend). and whenever I did see him or hang out with him, I was kinda attracted to him, so now whenever I'll see him I'll always wonder...like I'd just do it and get it over with, and it would be the last bad scenerio and get it out of my system. I am reallllllly confused because now I'm interested again and I don't know how to feel about this and I'm NOT interested in a relationship with either of them because they are immature and any kind of relationship wouldn't work, I know that, but I'm just curious I guess. YEah it might sound kinda fun but how are you going to feel afterwards?
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