Why would a guy I like suggest a 3-some w/me & his friend?

[Trialbyfire]

why would he respond like that though? is he embarrassed to some degree? and he's trying to hide some fact? why would he respond so effortlessly?

oppath answered your question. Consider it win/win for him. If you had agreed, why not for these two? Since you didn't, it was a big drunk dial joke at your expense.

 

Guys can be superficial like these two. Get what you can while the getting is good. Is this acceptable? Not in my books but then, not everyone has expectations of respect.

 

You're welcome to brush it off as a joke though. But as sb said, it will only be a gentle slap on the wrist instead of a definitive "back off with the disrespect".

[oppath]

sorry the anime thing was just a joke, but it seemed to me you liked graphic sex and when I think of graphic sex, I think of anime films. anyway, it's ok if you do it, but the point that I was trying to make, I'd rather be kinky with someone that I'm in a relationship with and that respects me. I do like the part at the end where you said if you change the subject, it will do those things, and I've seen that happen, but still I'm trying to figure how to go about behaviors of such situations before I'm even exclusive with them.

 

Say "that's sounds hot, but I want to learn more about you than what you like in bed. Tell me something about yourself that I could never guess." If someone is being very sexually suggestive with you, ask "are you a pump and dump kind of guy, or a relationship guy?" Tell him you feel the best sex occurs in relationships. See if he agrees or not. Tell him you love intellectual foreplay and afterplay. See if he agrees. Within a sexual conversation, you can learn about a person non-sexually. With the girl I want, I tell her something sexual but then say "I'm tired of girls using me for my body (still sexual, in a joking tone). You'd better come to musuems and kayaking with me if I let you sleep with me. This **** ain't free." I make it clear within a sexual context that I want more. This way, I can be sexual with her before exclusivity BUT I let her know that while I want to ravage her in bed, I also want more. I've stated that to her directly. I think I've said "I very much want to have sex with you, I want to ravage you, but I'm interested in more. You're my friend. I've enjoyed getting to know you better, and I want to continue to enjoy getting to know you better. I wouldn't be talking to you if I didn't feel that way."

 

A guy who is interested in more will reveal he wants more if you put out a vibe that you too want more.

[lino]

I diiid like you and I'd rather just do things with you or be JUST kinky with you

 

This is a big mistake right here. I could undersand clearly if you like being treated this way by these types of guys but you say you don't so why reward him like this?

And him telling you it was just drunk joke is just his response to you saying no to save face. If you had said yes him & his mate would have gone through with the threesome no doubt about that. If you believe otherwise you're only kidding yourself.

Once again, if you like being treated this way by these types then cool, if not & you wish to be respected by decent men then why hang around with these types? If you mix with sh*t people & then get treated like sh*t then it shouldn't come as a surprise. If you think these guys are cool & fun to hang around, fine but don't have sex with em & let them feel you up, etc because that's how you lead them on to the situation you're now in.

Weren't you saying in another thread of yours how you liked being treated well by a nice guy you were seeing? If so why are you giving these guys your attention & not to the nice bloke?

Sorry if I come across a bit harsh chill chic but you seem a decent girl & its a shame to hear you're in this situation that is really very easy to avoid. I've seen this sort of thing happen with other girls & its sometimes even led to them getting raped! If you don't like what's going on tell them loud & clear to f*ck off! If you keep being soft & taking their sh*t you'll never get anywhere.

[chill chic]

Say "that's sounds hot, but I want to learn more about you than what you like in bed. Tell me something about yourself that I could never guess." If someone is being very sexually suggestive with you, ask "are you a pump and dump kind of guy, or a relationship guy?" Tell him you feel the best sex occurs in relationships. See if he agrees or not. Tell him you love intellectual foreplay and afterplay. See if he agrees. Within a sexual conversation, you can learn about a person non-sexually. With the girl I want, I tell her something sexual but then say "I'm tired of girls using me for my body (still sexual, in a joking tone). You'd better come to musuems and kayaking with me if I let you sleep with me. This **** ain't free." I make it clear within a sexual context that I want more. This way, I can be sexual with her before exclusivity BUT I let her know that while I want to ravage her in bed, I also want more. I've stated that to her directly. I think I've said "I very much want to have sex with you, I want to ravage you, but I'm interested in more. You're my friend. I've enjoyed getting to know you better, and I want to continue to enjoy getting to know you better. I wouldn't be talking to you if I didn't feel that way."

 

A guy who is interested in more will reveal he wants more if you put out a vibe that you too want more.

 

thanks for your unput, but I have already made it clear to him, before this happened, that I wanted a relationship with him. even before and after I had sex with him. now I understand that having sex with him was a mistake in it's own, without being exclusive but that was a mistake and he's guilty of it too. but I still can't believe how "feather-like" he is with the message he wrote back. maybe he thinks that since I did have sex with him before we were in a real relationship, he thinks it's ok to ask me about a 3-some? UHHH is this all my fault?

[johan]

It's not your fault he's a bonehead. Having sex can lead to problems like this, but generally only with a guy who is a bonehead like him.

 

What I think is your problem is that you're attracted to the wrong kind of guys. What kind you're attracted to, I don't know. But your record is pretty consistent. And you always seem to want more.

 

Maybe you need to hang out with a different crowd.

[chill chic]

This is a big mistake right here. I could undersand clearly if you like being treated this way by these types of guys but you say you don't so why reward him like this?

And him telling you it was just drunk joke is just his response to you saying no to save face. If you had said yes him & his mate would have gone through with the threesome no doubt about that. If you believe otherwise you're only kidding yourself.

Once again, if you like being treated this way by these types then cool, if not & you wish to be respected by decent men then why hang around with these types? If you mix with sh*t people & then get treated like sh*t then it shouldn't come as a surprise. If you think these guys are cool & fun to hang around, fine but don't have sex with em & let them feel you up, etc because that's how you lead them on to the situation you're now in.

Weren't you saying in another thread of yours how you liked being treated well by a nice guy you were seeing? If so why are you giving these guys your attention & not to the nice bloke?

Sorry if I come across a bit harsh chill chic but you seem a decent girl & its a shame to hear you're in this situation that is really very easy to avoid. I've seen this sort of thing happen with other girls & its sometimes even led to them getting raped! If you don't like what's going on tell them loud & clear to f*ck off! If you keep being soft & taking their sh*t you'll never get anywhere.

 

no you weren't harsh, thanks for responding lino. yah I did say "I'd rather" instead of in the past tense. my mistake. I do understand that in the beginning I was sorta nonchalant with my words with them, and I did accidentally say that I liked both of them. But that was in May, and I hadn't talked to his friend since then, well until I ended up in his bed with the guy I like. I do know he is a sarcastic joker, but in any right, my reputation would be at stake, and they'd get what they wanted in the end. I just can't seem to take this lightly and I know I shouldn't but now I'm wondering if this is ALL my fault from the get go. And does he have the right to say what he did to put me in my place? Oh geez now I'm second guessing myself

[chill chic]

It's not your fault he's a bonehead. Having sex can lead to problems like this, but generally only with a guy who is a bonehead like him.

 

What I think is your problem is that you're attracted to the wrong kind of guys. What kind you're attracted to, I don't know. But your record is pretty consistent. And you always seem to want more.

 

Maybe you need to hang out with a different crowd.

 

hey johan, I remember you that's what I was just second guessing and his actions to the situation aren't my problem, he's a big boy, at least I thought he was, and he can deal with things himself, but obviously not in the adult kinda way.

I still, unfortunately attracted to the same type of guy, but I don't realize that I am until something like this happens. It's odd but I don't know how to react with guys BEFORE I'm exclusive with them. I can and have had meaningful relationships with guys in the past, even a serious one for 4 years. But really since then, I've been lost in wonderland.

I have met a guy that does respect me, he's more mature and treats me like a lady, I can tell that he wasn't the type of guys these guys are now when he was 25, there is just a difference about him. He was more probably like a dork than anything, he told me he didn't have any game in school lol, so I kinda figure that he was the guy that girls overlooked because he was the good guy. I'm still trying to feel him out though. But you're right, I need to hang around smarter, more intellectual settings if I want to me a real "substance" kind of guy.

[lino]

No problem

I've seen this situation a lot so I can relate to it well.

 

I just can't seem to take this lightly and I know I shouldn't but now I'm wondering if this is ALL my fault from the get go. And does he have the right to say what he did to put me in my place? Oh geez now I'm second guessing myself

 

No its not ALL your fault & you shouldn't be 2nd guessing yourself.

Its only partially your fault & I say this because hanging with these types of guys will get you in these types of situations, especially if you're having sex with them too.

I know that girls like to be around guys like this because they think they're cool, etc but you shouldn't be scared to put THEM in THEIR place when you feel you're getting put into a situation you don't like. If you don't do that they're only gonna keep doing it & you'll keep finding yourself in the sh*t. Also if you only wanna have sex with a guy you're in a relationship with then don't have sex with guys you consider to be just 'friends.'

From what you say here these guys don't really seem to be acting with you like a friend & I'd bet they don't consider you their equal. If you don't like this then you should stop hanging out with them. I agree with what Johan is saying in that you probably keep getting with the same type of guys which are not right for you.

I have a similar problem in that I keep getting involved with sh*t girls but they're the only ones which are attracted to me, the ones I really want don't wanna know me

[uniqueone]

I am sure there are confident, stable women out there who participate in, enjoy, and are not adversely affected by threesomes.

 

 

Threesomes are almost always destructive in some way, be it to the relationship or to the person (s) involved.

[uniqueone]

Yes, and the reason they feel that way is not because there is anything inherently wrong with a threesome or any other sexual behavior. Its because a society with Victorian carry overs is placing a judgement on them that makes them artificially feel guilty and bad. That's why its the women feeling that way more so than the men. I know my feelings about sexual behaviors aren't relevent but I feel that the original poster, if she does have a self esteem problem, its imposed from the outside as much as anything.

 

 

 

 

Oh, have to disagree there! I don't think that it would be so commonplace a feeling in women if it was just something that occurred due to the Victorian era.

I think you could put people on a remote island where they never had any knoweledge of Victorian type thinking and I think a woman would still feel uneasy about two men wanting to share her. Women associate sex with feelings, no matter how much they try to do otherwise.

[uniqueone]

I do get that "high" from attention, and it is addicting, just like a drug....you need it constantly to feel good.

 

It's definately a high--and a high I well know.

 

You mention that you need it constantly to feel good. Here's where the self-esteem part comes in. If you take steps towards improving your self-esteem, you WON'T need this drug anymore. You'll start to feel good without it. And it'll be a better high than this one.....and guess what? YOU'LL have control over it....not other people! Your feelings won't be subject to the unpredictable whims of others. It will give YOU the power.

 

This should be the goal that you're working towards.

[Trialbyfire]

The combination of sex/attention can be a downward spiral of self-esteem. I agree with uniqueone about building your self-esteem which will build on your self-respect and create a more healthy self-fueling cycle.

[lonelybird]

Self respect and confident will grow in believe in God and his words

 

The more you read God's words, the more you will become confident. confident in Lord, looks and sexual appealing will not bring ultimate confident but only bring confusion and false delusion. Lord will make us confident and strong.

[uniqueone]

Self respect and confident will grow in believe in God and his words

 

The more you read God's words, the more you will become confident. confident in Lord, looks and sexual appealing will not bring ultimate confident but only bring confusion and false delusion. Lord will make us confident and strong.

 

Should we stone her yet?

 

[oppath]

Self respect and confident will grow in believe in God and his words

 

The more you read God's words, the more you will become confident. confident in Lord, looks and sexual appealing will not bring ultimate confident but only bring confusion and false delusion. Lord will make us confident and strong.

 

That's because Jesus had an infallible penis.

[sb129]

 

These guys have a lot to learn. There is a time and place for asking stuff like that but you have to calibrate it to an exisiting flirtatious conversation.

.

This is true. I think alot of it has to do with their age. I know not all 24-25 year old guys are like that, but alot of them do have alot of growing up to do before they are Mr Right for some girls IME.

 

This is a very key point right here:

Because he's not mature enough to say "you know what, I am sorry. I can see how that would make you offended. You're my friend and it won't happen again."

"

 

I see alot of myself from a few years ago in you ChillChic. I think the years from 26-29 were really really tough self esteem and relationship-wise.

 

I grew up alot in that time, and learnt that the only way you get respect is if you respect yourself.

My BF was an idiot when he was 25, he admits it himself. Thankfully we met eachother when he was 32- a much much better age for potential life partner! This is only my experience, I realise it is a generalisation, but I do think there is some truth in it.

 

Threesomes are almost always destructive in some way, be it to the relationship or to the person (s) involved.

 

Thanks, thats what I thought as well. I don't know a single woman who has had a threesome that feels good about it, but I didn't want to generalise!

 

Oh, have to disagree there! I don't think that it would be so commonplace a feeling in women if it was just something that occurred due to the Victorian era.

I think you could put people on a remote island where they never had any knoweledge of Victorian type thinking and I think a woman would still feel uneasy about two men wanting to share her. Women associate sex with feelings, no matter how much they try to do otherwise.

 

Women associate sex with feelings- its that damned oxytocin hormone!!!

Oxytocin is released during orgasm in both sexes. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and might be involved in the formation of trust between people.[1]

 

Does anyone else have issues with this Victorian reference? The Victorians weren't immune to kinky behaviour AT ALL, in fact amongst the upper classes it was RIFE......

Kinky behaviour has been going on for as long as there have been civilisations... the Romans were at it as well.

 

I think the Puritans had a few issues with it, but look what happened there- half of them emigrated to the US to colonise New England, :p and the 18th century in England gave way to an explosian of upper class deviances. Syphilis was a very common disease!

 

Should we stone her yet?

Lol,

[McFadden]

If anyone hears that you have ever had random sex or done anything kinky, you will probably be flooded with requests from guys that you send them naked pictures, have no strings attatched sex, have a three way, have sex in an aquarium full of jello with fake fish in it, strap on and peg some guy, ect. Isn't it better that guys just ask so you know what they're about instead of dancing around?

 

Either be kinky and don't be offended by suggestions or act more conservative and people probably won't bother you with suggestions like that as much. I mean if I walked into my room and people were in the bed having sex I would feel justified in trying to jump in right then.

 

 

PS People use 'victorian mindset' to describe having conservative attitudes about sex. I don't know who coined that term, and am going to stop talking about the irrelevant 3 way subject, except to say I hope you all know that if 3 people relationships were customary you would all be in them, and there would probably be 'scientific research' to back them up as a superior setup.

 

Oxytocin is released during orgasm in both sexes. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and might be involved in the formation of trust between people.[1]

 

Yeah..so that would prove what about women?

[sb129]

I dont think we were talking about a three person relationship. We were talking about a threesome, aka a three person sexual encounter.

 

Totally different. And three (or more) person relationships ARE customary in many modern cultures, (ie Islam, Fundamentalist mormonism etc etc) its just not the culture of the OP or most of the posters here, hence the opinions.

In one culture the WOMAN has many HUSBANDS- not my bag either. Some cultures stone people to death- I don't agree with that either.

 

I retract the oxytocin comment (which was actually a bit of joke really- have been talking about it on another thread, sorry you took it so literally)

 

In other words, the evidence for oxytocin being released consistently during sex is mixed and its significance is unclear.

Even if sex and the oxytocin 'trust boost' was reliably linked, you would need to do a study looking at whether couples trust each other more after having sex for the first time to really be sure whether the effect actually had an impact.

Sex causes such a strong behavioural, psychological and neurochemical change that a small release of oxytocin might be completely insignificant among the storm of other effects.

So does sex on first date increase the chances of a long-term relationship?

We don't know, and what we do know about the neuroscience of sexual response doesn't really tell us either.

 

But I think most women agree that if a woman sleeps with someone, its usually because she wants more than just sex.

Its not always the same for some men.

 

McF, if you want to go jump into bed with whomever and however, thats totally up to you. I suspect that with time you may come around to getting what TBF, Uniqueone and the rest of us who have been around the block a few times are actually talking about, but go find out for yourself, its the best way!!!

[Trialbyfire]

In one culture the WOMAN has many HUSBANDS

Sheesh, having to handle one is bad enough, why in the world would you want so much angst with multiples? This must be a masochistic society of some form.

 

McFadden, is your attitude getting a lot of respect from your friends and guys you sleep with in multiples? Have you had a lot of experience with three-ways and found that it worked well for you and has gotten/maintained for you, permanent functional relationships? Are you looking out for the best interests of the poster, especially since the poster isn't advocating same? I ask these questions because of the pertinency to how strongly you stand by your opinions within this thread.

[nicki]

Yes, the Victorians were sexually repressed. After all, that's Freud's time.

 

Anyway, sexual repression happens everywhere. As does sexual addiction and "over identifying" oneself with sex.

 

That's not the issue here. It's about respect. Getting it and giving it.

 

I'd say examine your core belief. What do you tell yourself? That your only worth is as a sexual being? That's all you have to offer?

 

Maybe you aren't saying that. I don't know. I do know that you shouldn't be having sex with guys who are friends.

 

Here are some of my core beliefs. They will determine how I act:

 

I don't have sex with my friends, male or female.

 

I don't use sex to get my way.

 

I have sex because I love it. I have sex on my own terms. I am worth a lot. I don't give away my heart or my body to anyone not worthy.

 

I have a brain, a heart and a body. Love all of me. No a la carte.

 

I will call you on disrespectful behavior. I will walk if necessary.

 

Think stuff like that.

 

Chill chic, you are beautiful, I'm sure. In MANY ways.

 

Don't even talk to these loser guys who suggest 3 ways and treat you like a whore. They are not your friends. This is not what you want.

[Citizen Erased]

Self respect and confident will grow in believe in God and his words

 

The more you read God's words, the more you will become confident. confident in Lord, looks and sexual appealing will not bring ultimate confident but only bring confusion and false delusion. Lord will make us confident and strong.

 

Seriously, leave the God crap for the appropriate forum If we want to be preached at we will ask

 

chill chic I think you handled this situation really well, I don't think anyone else can disagree with that. Those guys are jerks not worthy of your time

[oppath]

Sheesh, having to handle one is bad enough, why in the world would you want so much angst with multiples? This must be a masochistic society of some form.

 

 

Agreed. The Victorian attitude places women in the home with a vacuum, but having more than one wife? That would be vacuuming my will to live right out of me.

[Star Gazer]

Any guy who would share you with one of his friends does not have any respect for you. He sees you as an easy lay and his friend probably talked him into sharing you.

 

If you portray yourself as sexually easy, not that you are, there's no need to get offended if they decide to take you up on your offer.

 

cc, learn to tamp it down a bit. Chill with your clothing selection and innuendo-based flirting.

 

 

CC - I URGE YOU to read this again, and again, and again. I think I've told you this very same thing at least 20 times now. When is it going to end?!?!?

[chill chic]

CC - I URGE YOU to read this again, and again, and again. I think I've told you this very same thing at least 20 times now. When is it going to end?!?!?

 

SG long time no see lol j/k. I did read it again, and again and again. I honestly think it's a much deeper issue that I need to get help with, not just help on here.

[chill chic]

I also have another question...regarding that guy that I DID like.

Even though I did sleep with him before when we aren't exclusive, should I still be mad at him? Should I just drop him as a friend for mentioning that to me? Then again, I feel guilty since we were both in the wrong in the beginning for having sex without being in a relationship together. So how should I go about this, and especially since our families are friends, like I'll see him again AND his cousin, so how do I deal with this? And should I be mad at them both or wha, even though I made a mistake in the beginning?!