iggle piggle Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Hi I am new here, I would like your opinions on this. My husband works away a lot (fine), I found a 15 pound dance token for a pole dancing club in his bag, when asked he says he doesn't know how it got in his bag? I rang the club to ask if the tokens were ever handed out left in restuarants etc they said no can only be bought in the club. He denies all knowledge of this and just wants to forget it (yer right!). He has lied about chatting (intimatly)with other women until I caught him this was 3 yrs ago. He is behaving the same way making out I'm paranoid etc getting anoyed when asked I don't think don't know is a satisfactory answer, what do you think?
lostboy60645 Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Welcome to LS. You'll find lot's of varied opinions about such things around here. As your first responder, I have to preface my comments with my identity--I'm a soon to be ex husband who admitted to serial cheating on my wife of 7 years, mother of our 2 and a half year old twin boys. My story is printed in detail on my blog http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com I'm stating the obvious, but this is a difficult situation. My impression is that you have a right to be suspicious for two excellent reasons: 1. because it's strange that you found that in his stuff 2. because of his previous betrayal My wife actually never caught me having sex with a prostitute or going to a strip club. She did walk in on me masturbating to internet porn a few times, although she never saw the actual 'act'. I think that if she had caught me with a token, I'd have denied it. And unfortunately, the only thing that stopped me was my fatigue and guilt from the lying. It is not unreasonable for you to confront him with the reason for your suspicions (see 1 and 2 above). Unfortunately, it's also not unreasonable for you to secretly to start tracking him to find out what's going on. Things that would have gotten me caught: 1. Check cash withdrawals and add up all cash expenses monthly. Are there things that don't make sense? 2. Check internet usage. You can get programs that will trace all websites that are visited on your computer and send you a report with the site addresses and times they were visited. One such program is at www.covenanteyes.com. 3. consider following your husband on his outing, if possible. he may not be going where he says. 4. check cell phone records. any calls being made to mysterious numbers frequently. If my wife would have done any of those things, it would not have taken much time for her to nail me. Sorry you're going through it and I hope things work out for the best for your family. Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
directx Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 So he went to a strip club. Big deal. His biggest crime is not using the token after spending hard earned dollars on it. Unless those girls do more than just dance, I don't see the harm!
Carbine Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Hey Iggle, welcome to LS and to the proverbial Can of Worms that's usually opened by topics like this. As lostboy said, people's opinions about this sort of thing vary widely and I don't think there's a simple 'yes' or 'no' answer to your question as it depends on each individual. I guess the majority of LS'rs believe that it's perfectly acceptable behaviour, many say it's a compromise between partners, other people are somewhat uncomfortable with the behaviour but still allow it to occur. And then again there are a few of us who feel it's completely unacceptable and definitely counts as 'cheating' beyond a shadow of a doubt. That's my stance on the issue, for a whole bunch of reasons, number one reason being that by going to a Pole Dance club or Strip club he's consciously utilising the services of a sexual service provider for the purpose of receiving sensory/sexual gratification. Line>drawn>crossed - big time. Unless those girls do more than just dance, I don't see the harm They are doing more than just dancing - there's the overridng sexual element that comes with that sort of entertainment, not to mention the soliciting and personal interaction which occurs. If it was just 'dancing' it wouldn't be a problem, I mean, if she'd looked in his bag and found a ticket stub to a ballroom dancing comp or to the ballet then it'd be totally different. She'd probably be somewhat surprised (if not pleased) but she certainly wouldn't have reason to worry like this, and the only guys being exposed would be the ones encased in leotards.
Trialbyfire Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 It's the lying that's concerning. When someone lies, they have something to cover up, which makes you believe the worst. You can't make him confess anything though, if he's determined to stick to his lies but you should let him know that he's lost your trust and respect for lying and see if he steps up to the plate.
directx Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I still dont see the harm in pole dancing. Its not like a lap dance token or a champagne room token. Unless its a real seedy club, you cannot even remotely touch these girls unless you want a visit from the bouncer. And if a guy is real serious about getting something extra, he'll go to a special massage parlor. What's weird is that there is actual token in his 'bag'. What kind of bag? I am assuming travel bag. I would have to assume it fell out his dirty laundry he was bringing back, or maybe it was joke planted there by a friend. You know, these dance tokens cannot be cheap, so it seems unlikely anyone would misplace it. I mean, unless you are buying so many you lose track of them (It's not like a Chuck-E-Cheese token). Can you give the name of the club? Is it on the token? I bet the place has a website.
Enema Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 directx - I think her wording was a little off. From her post: Pole Dancing Club = Strip club. Dance Token = Prepaid to use for lap dances.
directx Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 directx - I think her wording was a little off. From her post: Pole Dancing Club = Strip club. Dance Token = Prepaid to use for lap dances. If you are correct (and you probably are), then thats a little different. Lap dances are a little too personal for MM in my opinion. But someone forgetting a Prepaid token? Thats a lot of money to forget I would think. A lap dance cost me $20 in NYC back in 1995, and thats not including a tip. (and it was just a lap dance. Nothing more.) Its kind of like buying a movie ticket but not using it.
LakesideDream Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 If your husband knows for certain that Pole Dancing clubs are Not Acceptable to you, there is a problem. Men do this stuff for all the wrong reasons, including boredom and peer pressure. It's immature behavior and should not be ignored. There is the possibility that a companion/friend bought him the "coupon" and he didn't use it out of indifference or embarrasment, or just because it wasn't attractive to him. His lying abut it is also a problem. Seem that you have some work to do on your marriage.
Carbine Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I still dont see the harm in pole dancing. Its not like a lap dance token or a champagne room token. Unless its a real seedy club, you cannot even remotely touch these girls unless you want a visit from the bouncer. And if a guy is real serious about getting something extra, he'll go to a special massage parlor. But doesn't it cross your mind that it's blatantly disrespectful towards your partner?? You may argue that it's harmless because you're 'only looking' and that you are simply admiring beautiful women. Fair enough, but to actually go to the enormous effort of getting up, going out and parting with large sums of money just to appreciate hot women is a bit much. To me that translates to "you're not attractive enough, I have to seek my visual pleasures elsewhere". If my boyfriend did that to me, I'd take it as a direct insult. Like I said, the physical proximity, interaction and solicitation that goes on in PD/SC's adds that extra element which takes it further than just being a benign, harmless form of entertainment. I think a lot of men know deep down that it's a relatively soft form of cheating that they can get away with, especially when theres no touching. However, I think it's irrelevant; even if there's no physical contact there's still the mental/emotional attraction and lust. I don't believe for a second that men can go and perve at poldancers or strippers without thinking sexual thoughts. No doubt they fantasise about f**king her at some stage. So, even if laws and bouncers prevent touching, there's still the desire there which is stroked and nurtured along rather than being squashed. I mean, say you knew your SO was extremely attracted to another man and/or shared a mutual attraction with him, would you really be comfortable if she went off alone with him one day and encouraged him to dance naked in front of her? The issue is not about whether he's serious or not about about getting something 'extra'; it's about the whole 'grey' area of infidelity.
outofdarkness Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 So he went to a strip club. Big deal. His biggest crime is not using the token after spending hard earned dollars on it. Unless those girls do more than just dance, I don't see the harm! It IS a big deal! How would YOU feel if your H went to a strip club...Mabey a lap dance or two..It made me feel physically inadequate, and yes, I DO consider it to be a form of cheating....JMHO..ood
burning 4 revenge Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 It IS a big deal! How would YOU feel if your H went to a strip club...Mabey a lap dance or two..It made me feel physically inadequate, and yes, I DO consider it to be a form of cheating....JMHO..oodI love how women on here are encouraged to throw all of their man's physical inadequacies in hs face, but men are always expected to kiss their a**.
bish Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I still dont see the harm in pole dancing. Its not like a lap dance token or a champagne room token. The harm is, if he feels the need to see other women take off their clothes in person, then why the hell is he married?
Carbine Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I love how women on here are encouraged to throw all of their man's physical inadequacies in hs face, but men are always expected to kiss their a**. Who, specifically, are you referring to? Perhaps I can only speak for myself here, but there's no way in hell I'd make demands of my man and then turn around and expect to be given extra 'privilages' or freedoms. I think too much of myself to behave like such a hypocrite.... If my SO raised an issue regarding my behaviour that he believed was affecting our relationship, I'd give it some serious thought and consideration as to whether or not I needed to change. If I decided not to, and the relationship f**ked up because of this, then I'd only have myself to blame wouldn't I? Also, I don't see how you can classify that sort of thing as an 'inadequacy'. I'd consider my ex's inadequacies to be his occasional lack of sensitivity and temptation to go too far when teasing me in a joking sort of way. He'd probably tell you that mine were my jealousy, enviousness and cynicism. Fair enough, but how can disrespecting your SO to the point of cheating fit the same category?? If someone expects to act this way, then they really don't deserve to have a relationship...
Jonah Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 The bar is just a symptom of the problem. The man works hard for that wasted money, so he must be is sad shape to throw it away like that. There is something missing there at home. Not that it is any one persons fault, but if it not remedied, then get used to being “just friends” with your husband for a long time. So how do you build that special relationship? Start by proclaiming that you do want that. Say it often, and make sure both of you do those things to make it happen. Then maybe, if you are really lucky, you can find that rare true love and the other problems will go away.
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