narcissist2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I am dating a friend of a year for almost 4 months. He is a great guy to be with, however a few things about him bother me. 1. Dropped out of college, claims to have ADD, and wants to go to med school. However, at the moment just stays at home and has no motivation to do anything whatsoever. I am a very ambitious woman myself and just do not know how to motivate him to do anything. I have been there for him, constantly supporting him with whatever it is that he wants to do, but in vain. I said I would even help him through med school, but he says he has to stay at home and take care of his sick parents. I feel that he is just looking for excuses. 2. He hasn't grown over me. I still don't see or hear the love in his voice. No holding hands, no I miss you or love you. Its more of a relationship with a friend than a lover or a boyfriend. It is an exclusive relationship, and I know that he is not cheating on me, but is it too much for a woman to ask for gestures of love? 3.We are of the South Asian origin, our parents are interested in getting us married, he is interested in marrying me, but he doesn't love me, what if he never can. I am sick of living alone and want to get married. But he just wants the security from my family that they would allow him to marry me and then take his own sweet time up to 2-3 years to get ready for marriage. I don't want that. I am 27 and he almost 32. I am ready to settle, to have him around (he lives in CA and I in NY), to show him how much I love him. Life is too short to waste it away like that. However, too many questions run through my head. He doesn't work, what if he never does. He is depressed, what if he never overcomes it. Even though he is the man I want to get married to, but there are so many fears in me that I cannot overcome. What should I do? I don't want to waste any more time, his or mine. What would have you done if in my shoes?
nellstar Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 2. He hasn't grown over me. I still don't see or hear the love in his voice. No holding hands, no I miss you or love you. Its more of a relationship with a friend than a lover or a boyfriend. It is an exclusive relationship, and I know that he is not cheating on me, but is it too much for a woman to ask for gestures of love? but he doesn't love me, what if he never can. I am sick of living alone and want to get married. But he just wants the security from my family However, too many questions run through my head. He doesn't work, what if he never does. He is depressed, what if he never overcomes it. Even though he is the man I want to get married to, but there are so many fears in me that I cannot overcome. What should I do? I don't want to waste any more time, his or mine. All the above it, don't they say it all?? Why are you putting up with someone like this? Have you motivated him before? If you have done that and still motivating him and yet he does nothing about it... not helping HIMSELF then I guess he just isn't the one. I'm ambitious just like you are, and I would most definitely want to marry someone ambitious as I am if not, more!
VIP Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Why would you want to marry someone who doesn't work and who doesn't love you? Why would your parents be interested in your marrying someone like that? It's really hard to understand.
Author narcissist2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Here is the full story. We had barely starting dating and our parents did not know that we were together.My family was visiting his because our mothers had grown to be good friends after their phone conversations. In Indian culture where arranged marriage is still a highlight, his family was considered desirable by my family (since they believe that marriage is a bridge between 2 families, not just two people). So the families think they are arranging the affair, without knowing that we are together. Now since my boyfriend has been brutally shattered in past relationships, he clearly told me that he wants no more heart breaks and that he takes to grow on someone. He claimed that to be the case in his past relationships. However, he said, "I guarantee you that I will fall in love with u". Doesn't make much sense to me, but I will leave it to you for interpretation. I am a highly desirable and a successful woman. However, I love him and don't want to leave him. Besides, he is alone with no sibling and I am the only friend he has as well. Does that info help? What do you think?
LikeNoOther Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I am a highly desirable and a successful woman. However, I love him and don't want to leave him. Besides, he is alone with no sibling and I am the only friend he has as well. Does that info help? What do you think? Are you saying, IOW that you pity him?
VIP Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 In Indian culture where arranged marriage is still a highlight, his family was considered desirable by my family Is it also considered desirable, that you will have to support your husband and live in a loveless marriage? However, he said, "I guarantee you that I will fall in love with u". And that's when he can talk to you about marriage, not before. I love him and don't want to leave him. That of course is up to you, if you are satisfied with what he has to offer to you, then go ahead, it's your life. Besides, he is alone with no sibling and I am the only friend he has as well. You don't have to break up your friendship, because that's all it is - friendship. But think a little bit about your own happinness. It's not enough that you love him, he must love you too. Relationship is a two way street.
Author narcissist2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 I am with him because I love him, not because I pity him. However, even if I wanted to leave him (which clearly is NOT the case) my conscience would not allow me too. Two simple questions for you; 1. I know you grow on people with time, but will he fall in love with me if I give him some time? 2. Would anti-depressants help him get motivated and start working? He has been on medication for the past few weeks. Do you think he ll ever change? Thanks for all your help.
VIP Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 The answer to both questions is, that may be he will and may be he won't.
Author narcissist2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 So what do you suggest I do? Leave him or try and give him some more time to see if it gets better?
VIP Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I don't think giving him time will change anything. Time is precious, you cannot spend years waiting on someone to change. If you give him one month for example, he might try to find a job just to show that he changed. That doesn't mean that he really changed, later he may go back to his old ways. And the fact that he wants to wait 2-3 years to marry you shows, that he is not very excited about it. Waiting on someone to fall in love with you? It may never happen, he cannot force himself to feel something he doesn't feel.
oppath Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 4 months isn't enough time for most people to say "I love you and think I want to marry you someday." It would bother me the absence of affection, loving gestures, and so forth. If that is the problem, I would say "I'd really like you to express more affection with me." Despite you wanting marriage now, is it realistic to expect someone to be on the same page with you after only 4 months? Especially a long distance relationship? How much time have you actually spent together?
Author narcissist2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 We were roommates for about three months before we starting dating. It is a long distance relationship however we have spent enough time with each other to know of all the qualities and flaws in the other. He is the first guy that my parents have actually liked. He says he knows its me he wants to settle down with. However, there is no affection. I am just not comfortable with the idea of getting engaged to someone who is not in love with me. He is afraid that I will use him if he falls in love with me the way his previous gf did and then leave him, which is why he wants security first.
VIP Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 What kind of security does he want? Is your love not enough security for him?
Mezzi Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Hi narcissist2007, I can relate in a sense since we have a vaguely similiar cultural background; though I have never experienced this I know many people who have. I believe that this guy needs a huge injection of motivation and maybe a pinch of ambition. Your boyfriend seems to be going through a heavy depression. I think you may need to sit down and have a long sensitive discussion with him. Tell him all your concerns as you have told us. Tell him that he must do something with his life if you and him are to move forward and get married and start a life together. Im not sure if you will be able to motivate him to the entent needed but please do not spend a long time trying to motivate someone who just wants to wallow in pity and has no desire to try. Remember although marriage is seemed as a way to foster new family ties on both sides at the end of the day it is YOU and only you that has to endure the shame of possibly supporting your family and husband and you that has to endure his problems and other shortcomings. I hope that your boyfriend will come around and achieve his dream of becoming a doctor through your efforts and that your relationship will improve. Best of luck to you.
Trialbyfire Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 You have to decide what you're willing to put up with in the name of "love" and family pressures. Scenario 1: He doesn't come out of his depression and you end up being married to him. I suspect your culture doesn't appreciate divorces. Scenario 2: He comes out of his depression but never falls in love with you or is unable to show affection, the way you need him to. You marry him anyways. Scenario 3: He comes out of his depression and falls in love with you, changing himself completely to suit your needs. You marry him and live happily ever after. Which scenario(s) do you feel are more likely to happen? You can neither change him or fix him. This has to come from within himself and he has to admit he has issues in the first place.
Author narcissist2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 Thank You VIP, MEZZI and everyone else. It really helped seeing your perspectives on my issue. MEZZI it was helpful hearing your view esp due to cultural similarity. You have it quite clear. I will try and see if the situation changes in the near future. If not, I would not be left with many options but to think about myself.
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