She's gone and is with someone else

[horizonsend]

Ok this one's a long story, and I've been reading a lot of the posts here which has helped me enormously to understand what has happened, so I thought I would share my story and see what people think. If nothing else it will help me to get some perspective.

 

I met my ex 4 years ago and after six months we moved in together. At the time we were very happy, we shared a love of the same kinds of music, alternative culture (goth/rock/metal), same sort of movies, and a range of other things. I was attracted to her because she was smart, independent, had a good career, was exactly my type looks wise and also had her own interests, in belly dancing specifically, which I thought was great as she would understand my need to write music and do creative things alone quite often. Things looked great on the surface.

 

After a six months or so of seeing each other things were going well and we talked about living together. We both had our own places and I was living in a small apartment. There was an event where one of her neighbours tried to assault her, so after contacting police I went to the rescue and to cut a long story short she ended up moving in with me and we put all her stuff in storage until we could get a bigger place. This is where things started to go a bit weird, we trod on each others toes a lot as it was a very small place, but I thought was probably a natural reaction considering we were both independent people. We eventually moved to a large apartment where we had a bit more space to do our own thing. I spend a lot of time writing and working on music alone and I thought this was ok because she had her own interests and liked her alone time too. During this time I did numerous favours for her and supported her financially through a period where she quit her well paid teaching full time position and worked in a local hair salon for less money and less hours, while trying to get a more established position at another college. I lent her my car, drove her to belly dance classes and generally tried to be supportive while also paying more than my share of the rent and bills to make up the slack due to her reduced working hours. I also started going into debt to cover these things as I was only working part time, though I was making a good wage 3 days a week. I think she resented the fact that I could make the money to cover my share of things in 3 days while she had to work 5 days.

 

About a year and a half into the relationship things started to go really wrong. She started being a bit distant and whenever I would try to talk we would get into arguments. I tried to encourage her to be open with her feelings and she would try sometimes, but if I responded with a different viewpoint (no matter how calmly or rationally I tried to discuss it) she would take it as a personal attack. She started to get depressed and behaving irrationally, leading to more arguments and fights and culminating in a massive blowout where she drove an hour and a half to a town in the country intending to kill herself. She called me and said she was sorry but she couldn't take the pain any more and was going now. She was serious, this was not an attention getting stunt. I managed to keep her on the phone for a while and talked her into going back to her car and waiting for me to get there (90 minutes away) and then called the local police in the area. I then drove up as fast as humanly possible and was called on the way by an off duty policeman who found her wandering disoriented and distressed. By the time I got there they had taken her to the local hospital where she was completely hysterical and still suicidal. They sedated her and allowed me to take her back to the city on the condition I take her to the psych unit at the major hospital for observation as she was still classed as a high suicide risk. To cut a long story short she recovered slowly and after further investigation and observation I realised there were definite times when she would freak out and her mood would drop, so I tested her for hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar) as it can cause severely erratic behaviour. Another family member suggested this and it turned out she did indeed have the condition, so we began to change her diet and she was to avoid caffeine and other stimulants. The change was remarkable.

 

Over six months she improved a lot and started really getting into her dancing and generally improving herself, and I thought we were happy. Our financial situation was a source of contention as I had gone into debt to cover things during her illness and time off work recovering which I felt was the right thing to do as I loved her and I am the kind of person that thinks you don't just walk out on someone who is in trouble. It did put a lot of stress on our relationship though and it was left to me to always sort out all of our finances. Her working life continued to be erratic, forcing us to move to cheaper accommodation further from the city, though it turned out to be a good thing as we could be in a quieter, larger place and have more space and time for our own individual pursuits. She did slip back though from the diet and health changes (which she concealed from me) and attempted suicide again, after a massive argument between us over finances and other things. So I stood by her again and again she recovered slowly, I went into more debt and things became a grind. I had to work extra hours and so did she to try and keep on top of things and we had very different time tables. I started to resent the constant problems and her not helping herself, leading to further arguments, distance and financial pressures, and also often preventing me from working on my creative endeavours outside work. It got to the stage where I would come home from work and she would watch TV from the time she got home until bed time, saying she needed to switch off from the pressure of work etc. so I would go and work on music or whatever to keep busy as I'm not a fan of TV at all. So we would rarely spend time together, although I did try to talk to her and make an effort. Our sex life started to go downhill due to her libido dropping from the depression and that put further strain on things. There were some good times, and I continued to remain supportive of her dancing - she and a group of three friends performed together at events and she was always so proud that I was the only male partner who would come to every performance. So I didn't shut her out and remained supportive and encouraging, which I know helped her to take great strides forward with her dancing.

 

Eight months ago I found out she was emailing an ex in another country on a regular basis, a few times a week. I found the emails on my computer after she was becoming even more distant emotionally, though on the surface she would say she was feeling better about things when I asked. This emailing went on for months and was becoming more than just two old friends catching up. She was telling him our relationship was not healthy and she was thinking of leaving, then started fishing to see how he felt about her now and there was some definite flirting and reliving of their past relationship. I confronted her as soon as I found the emails and we talked at length about our relationship, trying to repair things and I again encouraged her to tell me how she was feeling so we could work things out. It seemed to help for a while, but then I found out she had lied about breaking contact with this ex and had simply kept emailing him through a different account.

 

I immediately broke up with her when I realised this and she went to her mum's place. We had little contact for a couple of weeks, then she came back and I agreed she could stay in the house until she found somewhere else, but with her having no money that was going to take a while. Her mother is a another source of stress for her so I felt sorry for her and let her live in the back part of the house. We got back together. Again for a while things improved, but as the months went past she started drawing away again and so did I as the stresses mounted on us again and she got more into her dancing, which I still supported, though I did stop going to performances to concentrate more on my own musical efforts. I was invited to go on a four week band tour of Europe a few months back and accepted, obviously causing more financial stress but it was the opportunity of a life time and something I had wanted to do for years. Just before I went I discovered through another email I found (of course now I was no longer trusting her completely) she was planning to attend a sex party involving a large group of women (I knew she was bi and that was cool, but she didn't tell me she was planning this which was not cool). So I broke up with her again a few weeks before I left to go on tour.

 

I returned and we decided to work on things again, after much talking, and her begging me not to give up on her.... she is actually a kind hearted, interesting, attractive and charismatic person (believe it or not, but also very messed up as a result of childhood abuse) and I still loved her, so I naively thought if we put in more effort, spent more time together and were open with each other we could get things back to the way they were in the beginning. I couldn't deny that at times I had pushed her away and distanced myself after the email thing with her ex, so I thought if I made more effort and paid more attention things would be ok. Her health was better, she was finally talking more about her feelings and had her own life starting to get back on track. So I figured it was worth another shot, to see if we could finally pull through all the massive drama of the past couple of years and come out happy on the other side and enjoy one another's company again. We had a few disagreements over spending time together as her dance schedule was really filling up and we aren't spending time together apart from maybe one day a week.

 

Then the final bombshell hits. A month ago she comes home from a party I didn't attend (I was invited, but I had work to finish and didn't go) and is acting weird. I ask her about what's going on. She says there was someone there she was attracted to, but nothing happened. The guy is some dance teacher who is a friend of the friend whose party it was. Three days later she comes home late after going to a gig when we were supposed to be talking about our relationship and working things out and says she is leaving. She comes back over two weeks later and we discuss things seriously and in depth and she considers coming back and working on things more, then changes her mind and moves out and this time takes all her possessions with her. I ask her if it because there is someone else and she says no, but of course I'm thinking it has to be this guy who she just met.

 

So after four years of a relationship, two years of me supporting her through her darkest times, and taking her back when she begged after she screwed up she now leaves. I find out a week ago she is indeed seeing the guy she met a month ago and I am absolutely gutted by it. I guess I still held hope that we could work things out while living apart. The last time we spoke about her picking up the last of her things it turned into a massive argument and she told me a lot of things, saying I haven't paid her enough attention and I don't really listen to her and I make her feel like nothing, that I constantly make her feel bad about herself and she has been struggling with depression and our relationship since her first suicide attempt. During the call she is EXTREMELY emotional and sounds like she used to when she was depressed, which makes me think her health is slipping again. Although I admit I could have spent more time with her I also have my own things I need to do, and I think this is probably to try and relive her own guilt about treating me like crap.

 

That was a week ago. I was understandably very angry and upset during our last phone call and now she won't speak to me, says she needs space before we can talk again so we both calm down, and I agree. I told her I want her to come back and work things out, as now I know how she really feels about things we could make it work, but of course it sounds like she has already moved on and she said as much, though during the phone call we did tell each other a few things about our feelings neither really knew before. I know I could have been more attentive and I could have listened more over the last few months. She complained we never did anything that involved both of us, which is why this guy being a dance teacher is so appealing I'm sure, as she is also a dance teacher as well as a performer. I still can't believe though that she can just throw away four years and everything we've been through for someone she just met. I feel like I deserve a lot more than that after all the time, energy and effort I put into supporting her. I stood by her, but now someone else comes along and she dumps me without a second thought when she thinks the grass is greener on the other side.

 

The completely ridiculous thing is I still love her. I'm not over it and I'm not coping that well. I know, I know, I'm probably a lot better off and I should move on as well. Believe me I am trying to, but I miss the good things (there were some!) and the house just feels empty and cold without her. I have been going out and trying to keep busy, but no one I see is as interesting to me as she is. After all the hardship of the past few years I just really wanted us to finally be happy and be able to experience some joy together again and I guess that's why I'm not over it. After six months of indecision where I wasn't sure it was worth the effort any more I was finally convinced I wanted this to work after coming back from Europe and then to have this happen suddenly has just really thrown me into complete disarray.

 

I want to call her even now, but I won't. I am definitely doing the no contact thing from my end, but I know she will eventually call to get her stuff. The whole thing is just really painful. I'm having trouble eating and sleeping and I think about it all almost constantly. The thought of her with someone else is killing me. Despite all the crap we went through I am still totally heartbroken over this.

 

So that's my story, it's a long and convoluted one. I think I already know what everyone's reactions will be. I had to write it though, for my own therapy. It has been devastating.

[Ssheena]

Whew! Loooong story.

 

If you want to take care of something, get a dog. I know you are hurting and it's understandable but this girl sounds pretty wacked. She obviously has quite a few issues if she has attempted suicide, not once, but twice, while you have been with her and then there is the lying, oh did I forget to tell you, stuff.

 

The relationship doesn't sound as if it was a mature, equal one but one where you were mom/dad to a little girl who refused to take any responsibility for herself.

 

Maybe she is type that has never had to take responsibility for herself and her own life and behavior.

[horizonsend]

Yeah it was very much like that sometimes, I did feel like I had to look after her quite a lot which became very draining emotionally, and made me want to end it several times just through fatigue!!

 

I used to think about breaking it off a lot but now she has it's really messed with my mind a lot. Funny how the mind works, I guess it's a natural thing to feel disempowered when the other person breaks up with you for whatever reason. I think she's running away and nothing will change with this new guy, she needs to work some stuff out but won't do it (I also encouraged her to go to therapy, which lasted about 2 sessions before she quit).

 

I have good days and bad days... and I now think about how if I put even half that effort and energy into a new relationship with someone a little more stable it should work out great!

[tinke]

way too much work with this girl. yes, yes, you love her. but where are the good times? the shared times? you are parenting this girl! it appears she is unaware of how her actions affect others, let alone her have a consequence for them.

 

was she spoiled growing up? she sounds very immature...always the victim!!

 

you sound young..my advice is runnnnnnnnnn.

you are investing way too much into this with little return. she does not respect you..

she is still a very little girl, life is much brighter with an equal partner.

[heartoutside]

I'm going through something very similar, you can read my posts from about 2 months ago or so. She left me out of the blue, 2 weeks previous we were talking about marriage, looking at rings, etc. Then one day she comes home and says I need a break, I'm confused.

 

Anyway, my story is a mess and I won't go over it (you can read my posts and see though). My ex has some very similar issues, although nothing with suicide, she is very immature, and I was always the grown up in every situation, something I now realize and is even more appartent now that she has left. Her true immaturity has totally come out since she LEFT me, and while your story is a little different, the foundation is the same. You and I are at a different place in our lives then they are, we see things for what they are and understand that. They are blinded by fear, at least that is the case with me and my ex. One thing that is true with both of us, is the our SO can't be honest with themselves and there is nothing we can do about. You tried, you asked her to get help and she didn't. The only way for someone to trully get help is to be honest with themselves and realize they need help...

 

Right now, my ex is kind of seeing another guy, even after she has told everyone that she doesn't want to see anyone else, that her breaking up with me wasn't about moving on. She even thinks she isn't dating this guy, but he does. So as you can see, she can't even be honest with herself. Even if people tell her that she should really take time to herself....and people have. She won't listen to anyone, until she is honest with herself.....

 

The question(s) you have to ask yourself are, do you want to deal with someone that will always be a wild card in your life? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can say they love you, but then suddenly do something to hurt you and cause the pain they caused?

 

I still love my ex, I will always have a special place in my heart for her, even though she has been nothing but horrible to me since she broke up with me. She was my best friend for 4 years, and that means a lot coming from me, I have some of the greatest friends in the world...some I've know for 25 years, others who I've know for 4 or 5, and I know all of them love me and care for me with all their heart (girls and guys), so saying she was my "BEST FRIEND" isn't a term I would use lightly.

 

The thing I've realized is that 1, my ex isn't the person I fell in love with right now. Who knows why? and 2, I can't put my life on hold while she figures out what she wants. She's trying to keep my on the back burner, so maybe in 6 months or a year from now when she does realize that she made a mistake she might be able to get me back...but she won't be able too....she won't be the same person, and I sure don't expect to be either. There would have to be a very large miracle for that to happen.

 

See this as a chance for you.....not as an end, but a new start for you! When I was in my relationship, I took my friendships with my buddies for granted because I was so focused on my relationship and giving and taking care of her. Now, now it's about me. I can travel, I can work as much as I want, I can meet new people and do new things. ME.....not her and me......but ME....

 

And I'm not saying it will be easy. A month ago I was a complete mess, I couldn't function. You know what I did, I went on a trip. I came back with a new outlook. I still had some rough days following the trip, but if you have a good friend who knows what they are talking about, talk to them. I did and it opened my eyes.......just make sure he/she isn't a friend of your ex....cuz whatever you say to them will get back to your ex, even if they say they won't tell her....they will......

[horizonsend]

Thanks for your replies, it's helping me to see things differently. As for our ages, I am not that young lol, I am 37 and she is a couple of years younger.

 

One thing that bothers me is that she could be very organised and professional when dealing with her dance classes, performances and teaching, but totally hopeless when it came to household finances or anything involving me.

 

I do think she has been very selfish through all of this, though she accuses me of the same thing and says I spend too much time behind a closed door in my office working on music or other creative pursuits. I guess there is a lot of truth in that, so now I can't help but wonder if I had paid more attention whether things would be different.