Toolate Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Hi, been trolling a while and have got a lot of good info. Me and my GF of 12 years are seperated. Ive put her on the back burner and did not respect her enough are the reasons. First of all, all the things ive done to her is now killing me. Ive never cheated, hit or left her i dont drink or stay out partying. But i have been a jerk. There have been times ive said she was acting stupid she looked like a slut and have shoved her off of me 2 times in our 12 years. BUT i do complement her, praise her and look right at her all the time just to tell her..i love you so much. I can be very non touchy and want to be left alone alot of the time and dont like to be bothered with petty stuff. There is something that is missing, its like i cant connect with her because she has this wall up. Her on the other end she treats me like a kid, gets aggravated when i ask her questions there has been some mean things said by her but for some reason i dont care. She also loves to talk about insignificant things and it makes me feel like she is just avoiding issues. Iv been in therapy for 3 years and have gone from a 6.2 150 lb jealous/anxious punk to a 200 lb more relaxed more balanced man but i still have work to do. She doesnt want therapy she says she doesnt need it but she has been molested by her uncle when she was 10 and raped at 16 right before we meet. You dont just work that kind of stuff out on your own right? Its funny she says the first 6 years of our relationship was the best ...i see it as the worse. Fighting, jealousy was normal. The last 6 years have been much calmer, more trust and all around better. She doenst see this but think the first 6 years were better becuase we spent more time together. My little 19 year bro died last year and i am still dealing with that. She wanted to go to michigan for a family reunion, i panicked. I was to scared for her to go so things where already tense. The next night i see a weird text on her phone and totally lose it. I was instantly transported to the start of our relationship and my old self i was throwing up and i had to call my mother. That is when she said she had had enough. The text apparently was her boss and he is no longer even working there. This really made me feel stupid as i kept accusing her of seeing someone the first week after she left, she kept telling me no over and over again. She has never givin me a reason to distrust her, she comes home after work, her phone is always there for me to see. I screwed up. She now says she doesn't know if she wants to try to work it out. She still hasn't had time to think. She is still in contact and wants to help with bills. After reading about no contact i decided to do it.I did horrible job, i cried i asked about counseling but today i told her that we should not talk/text/see each other for a while till i can get my head on strait. She didnt really like that idea at first. She brought up the car loan we have together and other bills we share i just told her we didnt need to see each other to take care of those. She then agreed to leave 100$ at my mothers twice a month. And when she told me i would make a great father i lost it. She has been wanting kids/marriage for years but i knew for both of our sakes it was not time. It was getting close but still not time. We would do little updates at least 10 times a year, she said she was all for doing it the right way. We both had screwed up parents and were trying to fix it. Im really upset that she wont go to counseling, shes not ready. Me im picking my therapy up a notch and getting on medication if they say i should. I want to fix this so bad but i know she has to want it to. Any advise or predictions on this relationship?
Cobra_X30 Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Well, if she can throw in the towel that quick after 12 years... experience tells me there is probably another guy. You may be at a point where you need to just cut bait. It sounds like she treats you like crap. Personally, I would never put up with that!
tinke Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 similar experience..after 10yrs..see ya. there was someone else in the picture....someone new and alluring. so much for commitment!!!
Author Toolate Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Something tells me that there isnt buy they way she talks. She has lost weight, is having near fainting spells at work. My mother is sure there isnt. She just says that she is confused and scared of the councling and she may warm up to or she may not. She went to her moms the first 2 night of the breakup and was supposed to come back home, i bugged her non stop, pushing her away, the first week was very ugly on my end, now im trying to do the right thing and give her space. And she hasnt exactly thrown in the towel, she just isnt sure what she wants to do yet. Its been 3 weeks
Cobra_X30 Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Also consider that it might be a guy she is just "thinking" about. However, l could be wrong. What strategy do you plan to persue? There are several tacks that you may take in this situation. In my own life I've used the "in for a penny in for a pound" method. It is amazing how that can make a chick start working with you and not against you. Basically I think you need to lay down your ideas and then move forward with a clear purpose.
funkybassplayer Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Sounds to me that she would rather walk away from you than face her issues, and you have to ask yourself if you deserve that for yourself, a life of pain? Kids and marrige will only make things worse, and for her it sounds like a distraction from her own issues. There is not much you can do if she is refusing councilling, and belive me, it wont be long till she does hook up again, to get back that feel good honeymoon factor with someone new, again to avoid her issues, and validate herself. After 12 years, if she cant trust you to be with her, i think there is very little you can do, but continue to look after yourself, and make sure that you are healing well from your own issues. My ex was like this, and its a horrible place to be, and you should not take blame for her own issues, or made to feel crap about it, cos thats what she is doing, projecting her crap on you.
tinke Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 i can tell you from my experiences with a non-communicative SO...it never got better! i was never able to just sit down and communicate important issues..he avoided situations, and his answer was to leave when internally he had enough! so, do consider this. if she is all in knots over simply seeing a counselor, how can you depend on her for greater issues in the future. she is not acting like an equal, responsible partner. you will grow tired of always trying to appease her!
Author Toolate Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 You called her a slut? I have told her she looked like a slut. There has never been a time that we have talked bad about each other that we have not talked it out later, we dont do that. Cobra my plan as of now is to get on medication (i go tomorrow) to help me through this as im barley getting to work and only sleeping 4 hours and eating once a day. Continue my therapy and get over the need for her. She is doing the same, going to the doctor to get on blood pressure medicine, something she has needed to do for a while. We are both going to take care of ourselves. My mother knows we can work it out, but for now we need to live apart so we can grow up a bit, we have both sheltered each other for so long and even though it sucks we need to know we can do it alone. I am no contact right now and i think i should not try contact until my emotions settle and i can talk to her without any expectations or fear. Then just hope for the best. That is if i decide i want her issue having behind back. Shes way behind me on the therapy and hasnt touched any issues yet and that scares me.
Author Toolate Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 There are many different kinds of abuse but abuse on the womens end is a bit harder to nail down. Example: We are sitting in the drive thru teh food is 4.02$ i get 4 ones out of my wallet and there is change in my door she reaches over me to grab 2 pennies out of the door, she knows i will say...uh i can do that. Me= bad guy. #2. I go into the bedroom to visit when she is watching TV, we chat for a min and EVERY and i mean EVERY time i get out of the door she yells for me to come back...what does she want? Nothing of importance.Me= bad guy #3 We are leaving to take a ride or get some food. Every single time she ask do you have your wallet? You have your keys...uh......Ok so after 12 years of this non stop i have become gun shy. She does it on cue every time, im jumpy, i stutter to put together sentences when talking to her.She always has a better way to do something. I would jump if she walked past my computer room because she would come and make me the bad guy by not doing X taking care of Y. But she does it very suttel, she wouldn't get mad but would just walk away pouting if i told her that its not that important. And yes i handle business throughout the house, everything gets taken care of. Im pretty sure this is some form of abuse, make non issues issues and then make me the bad guy. Do they have a name for this? I have even told her that this stuff has broken me to the point to where i am not myself, i have little confidence and second guess everything i do. Im not one to blame my problems on other people in fact im the oppisite but with this i can feel that she has alot to with it.
Author Toolate Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 Ok, no contact now for 4 days. I know its not important who is to blame but i have my gripes in our relationship but she makes me feel like i have done everything wrong and she has just hung in there with me and long as she could. Ive been thinking about her saying that the first 6 years were better than our last. To me they were hell. I was a very insecure, it was very bad. I would fight with her if she was 5 mins coming out of work or didnt answer her phone right away. But that is history to me. Been in therapy and have made lots of progress. I dont lean on her as much and have given her more space and respect. I told her when i started therapy that she may come to see me as an *******. I say that because i would be less co dependant and she would see this as me not caring. I was even saying its about time for us to think about kids and geting married. She did admit during one of our talks after the break the this scared her. So whats the deal here? Is this a case of her losing control of me? Did she need me to be jealous of her even though she said she didnt like it? Or maybe it was that she has better control of me if im broken and insecure? She knows im a deal with the issues type of person and she is not. And up until this last episode i had been doing great. Listen more, not being so judgmental. Complimenting her more. My computer time was down from 40 hrs a week to about 10hrs.I had got my credit score up to buy a house (very big deal for both of us) we would window shop for houses all the time. LOL what the hell?!!? Anybody have any guesses? Im beginning to think that im not so broken after all.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 There are many different kinds of abuse but abuse on the womens end is a bit harder to nail down. Example: We are sitting in the drive thru teh food is 4.02$ i get 4 ones out of my wallet and there is change in my door she reaches over me to grab 2 pennies out of the door, she knows i will say...uh i can do that. Me= bad guy. #2. I go into the bedroom to visit when she is watching TV, we chat for a min and EVERY and i mean EVERY time i get out of the door she yells for me to come back...what does she want? Nothing of importance.Me= bad guy #3 We are leaving to take a ride or get some food. Every single time she ask do you have your wallet? You have your keys...uh......Ok so after 12 years of this non stop i have become gun shy. She does it on cue every time, im jumpy, i stutter to put together sentences when talking to her.She always has a better way to do something. I would jump if she walked past my computer room because she would come and make me the bad guy by not doing X taking care of Y. But she does it very suttel, she wouldn't get mad but would just walk away pouting if i told her that its not that important. And yes i handle business throughout the house, everything gets taken care of. Im pretty sure this is some form of abuse, make non issues issues and then make me the bad guy. Do they have a name for this? I have even told her that this stuff has broken me to the point to where i am not myself, i have little confidence and second guess everything i do. Im not one to blame my problems on other people in fact im the oppisite but with this i can feel that she has alot to with it. Ok, Im not sure I understand situation #1 very well so I wont comment. 2) She is looking for you to spend time with her. Most women value quantity of time not quality. Most guys are opposite... What she wants is for you to sit and watch tv with her... maybe hold her hand... rub her feet... ect. 3) Well, you need to show her that your ahead of the game and responsible. Shoot, Ive had girls like this. Guess what after, a week or two of me walking around the corner with wallet and keys in hand... they stop. This happens when a girl does not trust that you are responsible. You feel like a little kid when this happens huh? Well, you have to head this off at the pass. You cant say, stop treating me like a kid... you have to act like an adult... and before she starts to call you on it.
Recommended Posts