Rayofsunshine Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I haven't posted on here for a while, but I need some advice. To give a quick background... I was with my exbf for 10 years, 2 1/2 of them we lived together. At the end of June we broke up, two days before we were to pick up my engagement ring! The reason he broke up with me was due to finances. He wasn't paying his bills or the mortgage and the house was going to go into forclosure. He told me that he needed to get himself situated with his finances and he wasn't sure how long that would take and it wasn't fair to make me wait or bring me down with him. I continued to live there for another 2 weeks and then moved out. I was devistated b/c I told him that we could work through this but he just became more distant and wouldn't talk to me. I have been in NC with him since them (or at least tried to be), we had to talk on the phone twice and emailed twice to get some joint things taken care of. Of all those time we "talked" nothing was mentioned about us, it was all business. Yet I still had a glimmer of hope that maybe we could work through all of this. Everyone keeps telling me to go forward with my life and I'm trying to as best I can but it is very difficult! Fast forward to today.... I went to a surprise B-day party today and he was there. All those feeling came back ten fold as this was the first time that I saw him since moving out. He kept looking at me but he didn't say anything to me, not even a smile! I keep my emotions to myself b/c I didn't want him to see me upset. A couple of people told me how sorry they were to hear about the breakup and couldn't understand why this happened, let alone why he is acting this way. I got a little emotional with one person when she asked if we were friends. I told her no that he won't talk to me but then we changed the subject and I was better. I just don't understand why he is acting this way, it kills me inside! Why is it so difficult for him to be nice? It makes me feel like I have done something wrong when I know I haven't. I know for a fact that there is no one else involved and he isn't seeing anyone else. So what is his reasoning for being this way? I have tried to move on but it is so hard. I thought that if he saw me he would change his mind and at least try to be civil with me. I was still holding on to a glimmer of hope that maybe we could at least slowly reconcile but that now has been pushed out the door after today. So now I'm back to square one again with all the pain and crying. I just don't know how he is not feeling anything, is he that cold?
madgun68 Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Hi Sunshine, You mentioned doing NC. Has he tried to stay in contact with you at all? (Besides the few instances you mentioned.) I would venture a guess that he's avoiding you out of guilt. Whether that is over the breakup itself or something else I can't say.
tinke Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 i'm guessing it may be too painful for him to be friendly with you. he may easily regain feelings for you, and he evidently does not want that...so his distance may be his protection. i would bet it has nothing to do with you. it must have been awkward being at the same place...how did you manage to stay? i would guess he still feels the same, as he had the opportunity to approach you, and he didn't. he may not be ready for a commitment with anyone, it may be as simple as that(in his mind). i would try not to take it too personally. keep working on you!!
Author Rayofsunshine Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Madgun, No, he hasn't tried any other contact other than what I mentioned. I think that is what is the most upsetting. I keep telling myself that the relationship is over but it still hurts. I am wondering though after today after seeing me if he is going to try and contact me. About 5 years ago (before we lived together) we went through a "break". I guess he got freaked out because our relationship was going to the next level and he stopped all contact. When I would call him to find out what was going on he just said he couldn't talk to me. After 4 months or so we met to seperate the cell phones (we were on the same plan at the time) and next thing I know a week later he showed up at my door telling me that he wanted a second chance. It was just uncomfortable today seeing him. When I walked through the kitchen he was sitting at the kitchen table telling someone about us not being together and he made the comment "Was it a good decision, Maybe Maybe not" and then he said something else but I blocked it out and kept walking. It was to weird for me being there so after 3 hours at the party I just left. Of course I left with my head held high and not in an emotional state, I don't want him to see that I'm still upset. I just made it seem like I had other plans later on that night. Tinke, I agree with you. This was a difficult situation for everyone involved. His family was so upset with what he did. His father even told him that he would help him with the finacial situation and get that cleared up so he won't make any rash decisions but he refused help. Of course I come to find out that his father ended up paying off some of his credit card debt as well as some other debt. So I guess he really doesn't want to be in a relationship with me at least or he would have contacted me. The only other explanation I can think of is that he is embarrased or that he just doesn't know how to talk to me about it. Believe me it was very awkward today. It didn't matter where he was at the party, everytime I looked up I saw him look away. He even sat a table away facing me and would be talking to people and look over. I could feel someone looking at me and when i would look up it was him! Other people saw it too as they made mention of it to me.
Author Rayofsunshine Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 Does anyone else have any advice or help?
Ssheena Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I can't imagine how terrible it must have been to see him there. You sound as if you were able to put up with a lot more than I would have been. I probably would have left as soon as possible but you stayed and held your head up. The fact that he made the decision to end it without giving you a say, especially as you were to be married, isn't fair (and I know life isn't fair). If you are in a commited relationship with someone you don't just decide for that person that they shouldn't be with you. How terrible. Maybe he just feels totally worthless. I'm so sorry you had to see him again. You patch yourself up and try and heal and then one sighting and rrrrriiip, there goes the bandaid you were holding yourself together with. Bummer.
tinke Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 ohhhhhh..........do you believe he used the finances as a way out? OUCH..sorry! i only say this, because, he had the perfect opportunity to approach you on ANY level at the party, but chose not to. how long total has it been since n/c? (before seeing him). it's a bit wierd...being he saw you and all...nothing? not even how are you? i would guess he is feeling guilty, or attempting to move on. i would think if he was still stepping back to handle his affairs, and still had you in mind...he would want to keep the contact with you..at least let you know he is still interested. SOMETHING! i guess you are in the place to just wait it out (if that's what you chose). do you have any timeframe set to hear from him? what is YOUR plan?
Author Rayofsunshine Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 Ssheena, I don't know how I did it! I guess I'm a lot strong then I thought I was. But yes the bandaid has been riped off again and this time it feels worse.
Author Rayofsunshine Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 Tinke, I'm not sure if it was his way out or not. While I was still living there he was hot and cold all the time. It was like he would get mad for being nice to me. Everytime I would pack things up and load it in my car he would leave, he just couldn't be there. The day I moved out he was fine in the morning, then when the moving truck came he got mad and tried to start a fight with me and left! In fact the day of the party I was suppose to give him a cd of pictures that he wanted of an airshow. I made the cd and left it in my car that day and he never once asked for them but before it was a big deal to have the pictures. Maybe he was waiting for me to make the first move and give them to him, I don't know. I don't know what my plan is yet, we have been broke up since June 21st and the NC started the day I moved out on July 7th (although he did call me that night to start a fight). I guess the only thing for me to do is to keep moving forward like he will not be part of my future. When we broke up before about 5 years ago, he wouldn't talk to me then either. We went 4 or 5 months of NC and he showed up on my doorstep.
Trialbyfire Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I know how you feel about seeing an ex unexpectedly. It can be painful but in some ways, it helps to cauterize, especially if the contact isn't positive. If you think about it, this is the second time he's opted out on you, at pivotal moments in your relationship. I see that as quite telling, if you can imagine what life with him might be like come marriage, if he makes it to the altar. I would be concerned about relying on someone like this.
smwhtshy Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 ROS, you should try and reframe this, if you think about it, it was actually probably the best outcome. Look at the other options..1) he was there with a new person. ouch.! and since he didn't know if you'd be there, he would have brought someone if he had someone. So, you didn't have to deal with that. 2) he was all light and breezy, approached you, and gave you a kiss on the cheek with a "lets do coffee sometime". Again, ouch..the arrogant brush off, and unless you were really strong, there would have been a look cross your face that would have gave him the victory in that encounter. 3) he was angry and showed it..avoided you rudely rather than just left-handedly. That would have also killed you. So, the way I see it, of the many options (short of him crying and begging to come back), the one that occurred is about the best. He is still hurting, he is feeling bad about financial issues, and letting them control his life (so bad that he broke up with you) and having those "did i do the right thing?" thoughts, evidenced by what you heard him saying in the kitchen. And you? You were strong, no weeping, no kvetching to other party goers, just fine (it seems from what you said anyway) which is the best thing you could have done, now he sees you as strong, confident, and therefore more attractive to him should he get his act together. Thing is, if he does, and returns, you may not want him anymore. Best option occurred, you are one lucky person....and, as one other person said, the NC on his part is not because he hates you, its because he hates himself right now. You are a reminder of his failure... . Good luck..!!
Author Rayofsunshine Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 Thanks for the posts everyone. smwhtshy - thanks for those words. I think you are completely right. I think he is mad at himself and feels guilty about what he did. I think I am a reminder of his failure and he can't deal with it. He is the type of person who will sweep things under the carpet and not deal with them, he doesn't like conflict at all! You are right about the having the best option happen. It didn't feel like it at the time but when I read your post and see all the other options that could have happened, I see that the best one did!
In Sync Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 smwhtshy's "Best thing that could have happened"...was an excellent explanation to a awkward situation from your ex. Sometimes people who were the closest to us can behave in manners we never can fully comprehend...If a stranger behaved in the same way that to us that your ex did, we could brush it off...but when the people who we've been intimate with behave coldly or distant after a breakup it's difficult to comprehend. From their p.o.v. these walls of silence may indeed be the best option, particularly in a party setting. You did yourself well though by not falling apart and approaching him in anyway..confidence is what will keep you together.
Author Rayofsunshine Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 In Sync, Thanks for the post. Your right about how people who are close to us do unexplainable behavior and we can't comprehend it. It's hard to see that person in a different light then what you are used to seeing them in. Especially when you are in a relationship you tend to overlook the bad. I guess it is true when they say "You always hurt the ones you love".
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Especially when you are in a relationship you tend to overlook the bad. I guess it is true when they say "You always hurt the ones you love". I think that after a relationship ceases, you see them clearly, especially if you're able to back track on previous conversations and realize that they weren't who you thought they were. In this, you have to understand that they might or might not even care anymore and that it's best to stop thinking about the person that may or may not have existed in the first place. Sorry, a tad convoluted but hopefully the sentiment is understood. -edit: Better yet, judge by actions, not words.
Author Rayofsunshine Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 Trialbyfire, I agree with you. It is amazing how clearly you can see things when you are removed from a situation. It's just hard to convince yourself that this is who the person is and not what you thought they were while you were in the relationship. I have to keep reminding myself to judge by actions not words, like you said. It becomes a lot clearer then! He was someone that I could not rely on, no matter what he said or what he could say, that part of him will never change.
livebuzzwords Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 wow..i can't believe how much work people put in to making themselves appear bad - that's just learned behaviour - its a cop out - my exgf has some serious issues to tackle - she takes me makinkg her guilt and expands it until it covers and taints every thing - i knew she does that thats why i respond with love - she gets me arrested i tell her i love her LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE
Trialbyfire Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 Ros, I have an ejecto seat I use for flakes. You're welcome to borrow it, if he happens to return.
Author Rayofsunshine Posted August 16, 2007 Author Posted August 16, 2007 Trialbyfire, LOL:laugh: I'll keep that in mind, I might have to take you up on that offer! PS. Love the avatar, brought a smile to my face:) ROS
In Sync Posted August 16, 2007 Posted August 16, 2007 I think that after a relationship ceases, you see them clearly, especially if you're able to back track on previous conversations and realize that they weren't who you thought they were. In this, you have to understand that they might or might not even care anymore and that it's best to stop thinking about the person that may or may not have existed in the first place. Sorry, a tad convoluted but hopefully the sentiment is understood. -edit: Better yet, judge by actions, not words. There's something about looking back with a sense of clearness that is rewarding..if only for the lesson I needed to learn on a deeper level. I'm actually able to see things clearer minus blaming the ex or even blaming myself..and but I realized how much I overlooked and excused in their behavior. and saw the person I propped or idolized up in my head did not exist.
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