simplegirl Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I have been seeing my MM for just over 3 years. It has got pretty open in that time. His brother knows, his friends and people he works with all know and my friends all know. Last week his dad found out and told his wife (MM step mom). They were actually happy because they don't like the W. I feel like too many people know now and I am also worried that the step mom might try to get him caught so he'll leave his W. Is everyone else's A's pretty much very secret or do people know?
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I feel just awful for his wife. You're having an affair with him, his bro knows, his family knows, his work friends know...You all are making a FOOL of his wife. He OWES her truth NOW. Let her go be with a man who will love and appreciate her, not cheat on her and have her inlaws, friends know...How embarressing for her. Why would you be worried that he'll be caught and his wife will find out? You scared that he will decide to fix his marriage, realize that his affair was a mistake? What do you want from this affair? For him to end his marriage, or do you want to just stay the OW?
Author simplegirl Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Why don't they like the wife? The short story of it is that they dated for a while and broke up. She told him she was pregnant so he went back with her only to find out 3 months later that she was now pregnant (not when she said she was). They broke up for the rest of the pregnancy but when the baby was a few weeks old he went back to her. It has always been a rough relationship. He has an older child that is not her's that she is very mean to. His family has been telling him for years how she treats that child but it was only recently that she has done it in front of him. A few years ago she was on the pill and he was talking about getting a vastectomy (sp?) and suddenly she came up pregnant again. His family feels like she trapped him and she is abusive to his oldest child (he has custody of that child).
Author simplegirl Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 I feel just awful for his wife. You're having an affair with him, his bro knows, his family knows, his work friends know...You all are making a FOOL of his wife. He OWES her truth NOW. Let her go be with a man who will love and appreciate her, not cheat on her and have her inlaws, friends know...How embarressing for her. Why would you be worried that he'll be caught and his wife will find out? You scared that he will decide to fix his marriage, realize that his affair was a mistake? What do you want from this affair? For him to end his marriage, or do you want to just stay the OW? I felt awful for a long time because of the situation but I think I became numb to it. I know it's not the right thing but that is what happened. I don't want him to get caught because I don't want that to be the reason he finally leaves. If he wants to leave he needs to do it for all the reasons he wants to leave and not because of this. If he decided to work out his relationship then I would be OK with that, I know this. We have gone NC for times so he could see if he could make it work and other times that I initiated. As for what I want, I don't know if I can answer that honestly. We had a talk in the beginning about how he wasn't leaving his relationship, the kids and all that stuff. Plus I was just divorced and not ready for that. I was at a low and he made me feel good. I know, not a good reason again but the truth. That is how I got by on the emotional side of it. I did grow to love him but it was never discussed and I knew he was not "mine." I would love to be with him for real and not in just the A but I would never ask him to leave or expect him to leave.
jesmel Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Wow. My R with my MM is not really a secret. Everybody @ his work know about us. I walk in, and they all greet me as if I am the W. A couple of his friends know. One even thought I was his wife, but when he met his wife, he actually said something about me in front of his W. We do not try to hide it. We walk around town holding hands, etc. His next door neighbor has even seen us going up to his house. So, in a nut shell. People know about us.
Cliche Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 At this point, most people know, even his W. My entire family knows, including knowing he is married. There are a couple of his family members and a co-worker or 2 who either he or I don't want to know yet for various reasons. Our R became less and less secretive as time went on. I met most of his friends and his mom by the 4th month in (though I didn't know he was still living with his W then...once I found that out, I demanded to come out in the open to many other of his circle and he complied).
mopar crazy Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 My family isn't too fond of my brother's W either but we would NEVER think it was ok for him to cheat on her. She is a stuck up, rich, spoiled snot but she doesn't deserve my brother to cheat on her. I agree w/ WWIU, I feel sorry for the W. She is being played for a fool. As for when my H had an A, no one knew but co-workers. They weren't stupid. They seen how they acted towards each other. The Ow did have H over to her house and he met her kids (a preschooler and a teenager) b4 her own D was even filed but I don't know if her kids knew he was a MM. His BF didn't even know about his A until I told them. I asked H (after we R) why he never told his friends about OW or took her over to their houses to hang out. He said b/c he was ashamed of what he was doing. All of H's guys friends really like me and H knows that so he knew they wouldn't have accepted OW into the group. As for her friends, they did know b/c she introduce H to them.
Healer777 Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I am now an OW. I was married, myself, up until about 3 months ago. My former husband knows about the affair - I couldn't hide it from him and was honest about it, in fact. It's not the only reason for our divorce but the MM was very helpful to me at the time the nightmare was going on. A close friend who lives here knows. My best girlfriend hours away knows and my mother knows. My mother is actually grateful to my MM for being the catalyst that got me out of my marriage with a man who was becoming increasingly abusive. My friends have all been encouraging. And MM is in a bad situation, actually, his wife is nice enough, but the whole thing is a massive trainwreck in the making. It will probably end naturally at some point (his marriage) and I hope he will come to me. I don't think all affairs are unhappy things. Sometimes it's just what people need.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Sounds like a real dysfunctional family, and the apple hasn’t fallen too far from the tree. Be careful of this one, particularly with your could be – might be – would be in-laws. Doesn’t sound as if they’d be all too supportive if they discovered anything unpleasant about you. They sound like the kind of folks who would smile politely to your face, than sneak behind your back to wreck you ... all the while maintaining the innocent “good dobie” facade for the sake of putting on aires for the grandchildren. Is everyone else's A's pretty much very secret or do people know? I’ve known more people in my life who’ve had affairs than haven’t. In my experience, it’s been about an eight to ten ratio. In every incident, there have been people who’ve known and even suspected, but those people were close to one or both of the affair partners and not the unknowing spouse. They were far enough removed from the adulterer’s spouse and family that they had no genuine emotional investment in their well-being and therefore didn’t feel responsible or obligated to tell. And in several cases, some of those had secrets of their own they feared would get out if they blew the whistle on someone else and opened that ugly can of worms. But people talk, and no one should kid themselves into believing that just because you tell someone something in confidence, that they will take that secret to their graves. Just like this man’s father shared the gossip with his own wife, I’m sure she’ll be whispering to a few of her close friends and family members, too. Be careful and give yourself A LOT of time to get to know this family before allowing them to manipulate the situation into their: “get my stupid son away from our wicked daughter-in-law” game. You might be the new golden child for a while as they snicker and bask in their quiet satisfaction, but if it turns out you’re not good enough for their son either, you’ll be taking Cinderella’s place in mores ways than you bargained for.
directx Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Wow! Thats a pretty crazy story, especially everyone knowing about the A. Thats why I could never do an A. I would never want ANYONE knowing, and if someone did, it would ALWAYS be on my mind that someone else knows, and they could blab. You know how some people LOVE gossip. Good luck! I dont know how you could ever relax again.
Author simplegirl Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 I have actually been pretty close to his family before they knew. They really like his first wife (they just got married too young and he went into the military and she didn't go). I don't feel like it is a situation where they would find one thing wrong with me and turn against me. I know you never know about people but I have known them for a while.
outofdarkness Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I have been seeing my MM for just over 3 years. It has got pretty open in that time. His brother knows, his friends and people he works with all know and my friends all know. Last week his dad found out and told his wife (MM step mom). They were actually happy because they don't like the W. I feel like too many people know now and I am also worried that the step mom might try to get him caught so he'll leave his W. Is everyone else's A's pretty much very secret or do people know? yep..people ALWAYS know! AND..the old saying that the W is always the last to know I find to be sooo true..Mostly, people don't want to get involved and/ or just enjoy gossip...My H had CONVINCED himself that noone knew and that every A that e had was secret, including the 10 year one...Even though he came in and out of the condo that he bought for her for 10 years that was across the street from where the kids and I grocery shopped, went to the ped, and shared the same PARKING lot as the place where my H and I went to MC at one point..H--- it was a BLOCK away from where our kids were in school!!! They can justify everything, and actually, it makes it more "thrilling" for them..They get more of a "high" the more risky it is! JMHO..ood
annabelle75 Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Why not let him leave because of you? I know that is not the PC thing to say, but if he loves you and not her why not let him leave to be with you? Makes sense to me. Life is too short to live it unhappy.
Author simplegirl Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 If he wants to leave because that is what he wants I am thrilled. I would never and have never asked him to leave her and when he does talk about it I pretty much just listen. I try not to pressure too much.
PoshPrincess Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 I told quite a few friends that I was seeing MM but none of them knew him apart from one. I never told MM that she knew. He thought he'd let the cat out of the bag to her himself and we never let on otherwise. I couldn't help telling people because I wanted to share it with the world how in love I was! He told a couple of close friends and one of his sisters (who had previously been a OW and was now married to her MM - see it does happen sometimes!) I think she was the only one he could be REALLY honest with about it. I eventually told a few members of my family but that was when it was more-or-less over so I now wish I hadn't bothered.
TogetherForever Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Why not let him leave because of you? I know that is not the PC thing to say, but if he loves you and not her why not let him leave to be with you? Makes sense to me. Life is too short to live it unhappy. AnnaBelle, Like you said "Life is too short to live it unhappy". That's the reason my s/o left his wife/marriage. He wanted a chance to be happy & he wanted her to have the chance also. :love:I love this man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
precious1357 Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Two of my friends know about my MM, they both know and like him too. He is a very wonderful person. I do not talk about him anymore to them because I know their real feelings and they like him enough but they do not like the idea of cheating because they both have or are married and feel as if their husbands may cheat on them. My one friend doesn't talk to me as often as we did before, I think my A is the reason, I hope not, because I love him so much and I know WE WILL GET MARRIED, but until that time, I will not discuss my relationship with anyone else.
Lyssa Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 As for me, my mother knows. I don't keep anything from her!
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