stedman15 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Hello everyone, this is my first post. Thanks in advance for any help you can give me. In March 2005, I began dating a woman I'll call Carey. I thought she was a 'good girl'. She was religious, went to Bible study, etc. We were both virgins, and remained so because she didn't want to have sex before marriage. We fooled around in other ways, but never had penetrative intercourse. At first, the relationship was fun and fresh, but as we got deeper into it, Carey grew more and more paranoid and passive-aggressive. She would constantly think that our relationship wasn't going well, she would cry for no reason, etc. Another sticking point was that Carey had this huge issue that she couldn't discuss with anyone. It would cause her to get upset and cry. I felt bad, because she wouldn't tell me what was going on and would cry about it. I admit that I was not faultless. At the beginning, I had told Carey some lies about my past to seem more experienced than I actually was (she was my first girlfriend). I decided to come clean about my lack of experience around the 4 month mark, because I wanted our relationship to not be built on lies. I also feel like I sometimes tried to solve all of her problems, and might have been a little more brusque with her than needed. I attempted to break up with Carey in August 2005, but she was very emotionally and mentally fragile, so I held off. These warning flags were there all through our relationship. She didn't have many other friends, was very needy and clingy, and counted on me to keep her company, whether in person or on the phone. Anyways, we ended up breaking in November 2005. We attempted to remain as friends, but Carey had the idea that we would get back together again. Whenever we met, it was drama, and she finally confronted me about where our relationship was in February 2006. I told her we weren't going to get back together. She cursed me out really badly when this happened. After a couple of more similar calls, I decided it would be best to break off all contact. So, we agreed to meet and exchange our things. At our meeting, she verbally tongue lashed me for an hour, blaming me for all that had gone wrong, crying, asking if we could try to make it work, etc. She ended up pushing me out her door when I was leaving, and then made as if she was going to run me over in her car in the parking lot. Subsequent to the breakup, I worried about Carey's well-being. We had one mutual friend, and I stayed updated on her life. A few months passed and I found myself not thinking about her as much. I had a couple of rebound relationships which didn't go anywhere. I met a wonderful girl who I love with all my heart this past March. We get along fabulously. But, in speaking to mine and Carey's mutual friend, I found out that soon after we cut contact, Carey got into a friends with benefits relationship with a guy at work. She also dated another guy who had a kid shortly after that. It seems like she's been hopping from man to man ever since we broke up. This totally went against the sort of person I thought she was. Our mutual friend said it's because Carey can't deal with being alone. I'm having a really hard time dealing with her post-breakup conduct. I feel like she was not the person I thought she was. I also find myself thinking about whether she's out having sex with all these guys. We never had sex because of her feelings on the issue, but it seems like she may have compromised on that if she's going with so many different guys. I'm seeing a therapist who's helping me deal, but I admit it's been tough. My new girl has been very understanding, but I don't want my inability to deal with my ex's conduct to harm my new relationship. If any of you guys (or girls) can offer advice on how to deal, I would really appreciate it.
alpha70 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 She has issues and I'm sure she's not feeling good about herself if indeed it's true what you say she's doing. Feel for her and move on with your new gf. Good for you! Comment on my thread please.... To call the x or not? Thanks!
Alexandra-Girl Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 This is not to seem catty, so please try to see the underlining issue that is developing. Mutual friend or not, "Carey" is not YOUR issue any longer - so why are you making her a priority over your new girlfriend, whom you adore? This IS what you are doing inadvertantly. You say your new girlfriend is 'fine and understanding', but my dear lass you could not be more wrong. If you read many of these posts on this forum, you will see that an ex or a female best-friend kills relationships in the long run roughly 80% of the time. A woman can only be 'fine' for so long until she implodes, or worse, explodes. What you are subconciously doing is having your cake and eating it too, which will hurt you as well in the long-run by having your current girlfriend walk-out. You appear to be elevating your ego on the pedistal slightly (we all do because we want to believe that the other person still feels for us deeply and thus we have an 'effect' on them). However, Carey is making these decision because SHE wants to. You are not there controlling, influencing, or manipulating her judgements. THEY ARE HERS. These are her ISSUES. Sorry if the last paragraph is harsh, but it is reality. Alex
kirikat Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I am wondering, if for a moment, you can drop the "good girl / bad girl" stuff? Sex and sexuality is a human need, shared by both men and women - and as a woman, I have to tell you how hard it is to live in a world where your sexuality is viewed as a prize, unless you enjoy it - in which case you are a slut. Have you considered the possibility that Carey had been sexually abused by someone? Her behavior, as you've explained it, speaks very loudly to that possibility, and statistically, childhood sexual abuse happens to 1 in 4 women. You have a new girl, and Carey seems to be trying to move on with her life. Perhaps her behavior is self destructive, or perhaps she is going through a phase of trying to reclaim her body and sexuality - Dont make her a bad person, she - like all of us - is simply wounded, and trying to get through the best she can. Try praying for her, and putting her, in your mind, in Gods hands. And move on with your life.
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