alpha70 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 This relationship has been on rocky ground for the past month I would say. The last time we talked I was going to give her some time to think things over....Not my strong suit I must say. We had a very nice kiss after the talk and she agreed in the next days email exchange. She has a guy whoms she's dated in the past that has been "around" a lot since we've been on rocky ground. He's always been "there" for her when she's needed something moved or taken away, etc...he's a handy guy and she considers him her best friend now. Well, last Saturday(before I decided to give her time) I had reason to believe that he had spent the night at her place. When I talk to her about this guy I genuinely believe that she thinks of him as a great friend...even though I told her he totally wants more. The thing though is that she told me he's been consoling her during this break up period we've been going through....back rubs, running his hands through her hair. When she told me this I told her it wasn't appropriate and I forgot what her response was.....she was afraid I was going to give her an ultimatum of him or me type of thing. I was just going to let her have him as a friend and bow out. Anyway, I confronted her about my suspicions of him sleeping over that night. I saw her SUV when she said it wasn't there. I think I caught her in a lie. She was quite on the other end as I told her this and then she totally went off on me saying she wasn't playing games and was coming over to give me my house keys back. She did and said that she had nothing to hide with her relationship with this guy. She was acting like I was in the wrong. I started doubting if I saw what I saw......did she know she was busted so she just kept the lie going? Anyway, she's deleted me from her myspace, told her daughter to not have any contact with me. Today she came and got the rest of her things from my house and didn't say a word to me. Why do I feel like the bad guy here? I feel like calling her and asking her to talk this out....to at least have an understanding and both move on. Her daughter txted me a day after this happened and said..."I told you nothing was going on between craig and my mom. Why did you spaz on her?" Should I just leave it alone and go NC or try to have a conversation with her? Advise please. Thanks so much:confused:
kirikat Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 You know... maybe you have a reason to be suspicious, and maybe you dont... but I know that I am personally unimpressed by jealousy - If you keep this behavior up, you are pushing her into bed with the guy. I swear it. Tell her he is into her was kind of dumb, because you just planted an idea in her head that probably hadnt occured to her. By telling her what she can and cant do you have set the ground work for her sleeping with the guy just because people dont like to be controlled that way. Apologize, tell her you are an idiot. And back off!
Author alpha70 Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 Hmmmm........this is a totally different perspective that I've never heard before. I can see what you're saying about me "pushing" her into him, but that was going to happen or not happen either way. The bigger question is do I admit that I handle it in the wrong way even though I know what I saw, and thought she wasn't being honest. If I were to apologize for handling the situation in the way I did....attacking her. Do I do it by email or by phone? If by email she can revisit my words and by phone they will be gone once the phone is hung up. I just want to be friends in the future with this girl and be on steady waters ?????????????????????????????????/
kirikat Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Im sort of confused in any case... is she your girlfriend, or your ex girlfriend. If she is your ex girlfriend, then you dont get to comment on the appropriatness of her relationships. As to jealousy and jealous people.... well, often times it is the jealous behavior that causes the infidelity. When someone is over controlling, or accusatory, sexually insecure - they create the exact situation they are trying to avoid. (I had one boyfriend - not for long - who actually got off on getting jealous. Guess what? Every single woman ended up cheating on him, except me - because I made it clear that I would do what I wished with whom I wished, and he could take me or leave me....) So - write a letter, sing a song, do a dance - and apologize. Just tell her you were feeling insecure, and being a dope, and that it wasnt your place to comment. Not if you were broken up at the time.... Would you prefer to be right and cut out of her life, or would you prefer to be generous and let her just be. Its clear to me that this friend is important to her, as a friend. He may be something more to her, and she may leave you for him. But please, for the sake of the daughter, be a grown up about this.
Author alpha70 Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 Were were trying to work things out and this is the 1st time I've ever shown jealousy. You don't tell a guy that you're trying to work things out with that your other guy friend whom you've slept with in the past is giving you back rubs. I don't care if she just views him as a friend as she says or not...It's not cool. Saying that, you're right, I lost my cool and made accusations and told her that I could no longer trust her. I'm sure she was saying well, if he doesn't trust me than why am I with him? Well, she should be a bit more understanding of the situation and why I said what I said. Either way it would be good to let things cool off and then to approach the situation.....maybe 2 weeks or so? Then to meet up and discuss things and see if there is a possibility of a friendship. Yes? or should I just move on
kirikat Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Just clear the slate, soon as possible... and then let her be for a little while. If you apologize and then back off, you have a much better chance I think. In the meantime, just be kind... with yourself and with her.
Author alpha70 Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 can I get some perspective from others? It's nice that you read, but share your opinion if you can please. Thanks
AriaIncognito Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Just go NC. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be fighting for you, and not accepting back rubs or comfort of any kind from another man.
Author alpha70 Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 I agree with that, but I will also send out a simple email stating that I apologize for the way I handled the situation even though I feel you don't give respect to any relationship where you're getting inappropriate physical contact(back rubs/touching hair/etc) from a a guy friend whom you've slept with. She won't see the apology through this though....just me saying that it wasn't cool.
madgun68 Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I agree with that, but I will also send out a simple email stating that I apologize for the way I handled the situation even though I feel you don't give respect to any relationship where you're getting inappropriate physical contact(back rubs/touching hair/etc) from a a guy friend whom you've slept with. She won't see the apology through this though....just me saying that it wasn't cool.What have you been hoping for someone to tell you? That what you did was perfectly acceptable and it's her fault? You referred to her as an ex. While it may not sit well with you, physical contact such as that isn't inappropriate regardless of their past history. An no, she wouldn't see it as an apology because it isn't one. You're basically saying "I'm sorry even though it's your fault." Seriously.. Either send a sincere apology or don't bother with one at all.
stedman15 Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I would advise you to call her, let her know that you're sorry for being jealous and then just back off. Give her a little space to think things over. If it's meant to be, she'll come back. If not, then at least you've learned a lesson for your next relationship.
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