Can't understand why this isn't getting better . . . feel lost

[JoefromLA]

I dated a girl for almost a year. After about three or four months we started having bad fights. I think she may have a lot of communication issues. Things progressively got worse, but we would always get back together, and never talk about it. Last February, we broke up for a couple weeks, I called her and we got back together for a couple weeks. Then she pulled the same old - junk - I went back home to see my grandmother who was almost dead, and she got into it with me because I didn't call her the day after I landed back home and update her. However, at the time, we were just trying to work things out.

 

After that (and many times before) I was completely resolved to let her go. We didn't talk much for about a month, and I was up to my neck in work. Then I had a major project finish, and I decided to call her. We saw each other for about a week, then got together at a function with some friends, and she went off the deep end stormed out. Admittedly, that night I left a bad voicemail, and called her a bad name. This was near the end of April, and she hasn't spoken to me since. In the beginning I tried to call several times, then sent flowers to apologize.

 

A few weeks later, she emailed and asked if I could get together a couple days from then, and I agreed. then, when the day came - nothing. I didn't call her for a couple weeks - then emailed. Her response was that she was too busy. I suspect, shutting down (which she did a lot) is the only way she knows how to end things. Now its been over three months, and it is literally tearing me from the inside out.

 

I'm going on my third anti-depressant to try, and going to therapy. I know its not all her, there are some other issues (work stress, family history, etc), but I can't figure out what to do to feel better. I've been on quite a few dates, but nothing is doing it for me. I haven't tried to call her in over a month - but there is a huge part of me that needs some type of closure.

 

I should say this - the name I called her - once her sister called her the same name and they didn't speak for a year. And that was her sister! That just isn't normal is it? There must be something tied to her past, that really left a mark. I just don't what to do. Part of me wants to try and call her again soon because its been almost two months, but there is fear of getting no response. Her birthday is back in June and I even sent her flowers and a card - and I didn't even get a text message or email thanking me.

[sao2]

You know the answer here, you just need someone else to say it. JUST LET IT GO. Move on and forget about it. You apologized, and she doesn't have to accept it.

 

Frankly it seems like you wouldn't even want this back. You sound like you were miserable when you were with her. Just let it go.

[funkybassplayer]

I dated a girl for almost a year. After about three or four months we started having bad fights. I think she may have a lot of communication issues. Things progressively got worse, but we would always get back together, and never talk about it. Last February, we broke up for a couple weeks, I called her and we got back together for a couple weeks. Then she pulled the same old - junk - I went back home to see my grandmother who was almost dead, and she got into it with me because I didn't call her the day after I landed back home and update her. However, at the time, we were just trying to work things out.

 

After that (and many times before) I was completely resolved to let her go. We didn't talk much for about a month, and I was up to my neck in work. Then I had a major project finish, and I decided to call her. We saw each other for about a week, then got together at a function with some friends, and she went off the deep end stormed out. Admittedly, that night I left a bad voicemail, and called her a bad name. This was near the end of April, and she hasn't spoken to me since. In the beginning I tried to call several times, then sent flowers to apologize.

 

A few weeks later, she emailed and asked if I could get together a couple days from then, and I agreed. then, when the day came - nothing. I didn't call her for a couple weeks - then emailed. Her response was that she was too busy. I suspect, shutting down (which she did a lot) is the only way she knows how to end things. Now its been over three months, and it is literally tearing me from the inside out.

 

I'm going on my third anti-depressant to try, and going to therapy. I know its not all her, there are some other issues (work stress, family history, etc), but I can't figure out what to do to feel better. I've been on quite a few dates, but nothing is doing it for me. I haven't tried to call her in over a month - but there is a huge part of me that needs some type of closure.

 

I should say this - the name I called her - once her sister called her the same name and they didn't speak for a year. And that was her sister! That just isn't normal is it? There must be something tied to her past, that really left a mark. I just don't what to do. Part of me wants to try and call her again soon because its been almost two months, but there is fear of getting no response. Her birthday is back in June and I even sent her flowers and a card - and I didn't even get a text message or email thanking me.

 

 

 

Can i say this, ok you were wrong to call her that name, but given her personality, she will use this to make you feel like crap. I know this type, as i was with one. and they make you feel guilty for things they say and do. She has very deep issues, and she has got in your head emotionaly, and it will be hard to shift her, but you have to. She has a destructive nature, and constant attention, blame, and making you feel worthless are all hall marks of there own issues, that are deep in them. May i make a suggestion. Go n/c, deleat everything, as even her silence is playing a game. What is said and done is, you cant change that, but remember she drove you mad. Im not saying it was right, but you are not with a normal woman.I felt very much like you did, depressed, down, guilt , and a few other emotions both in and out of the relationship, but i realised it was not me, i was not the one causing the fights, or being needy and demanding, or being selfish and making me feel low. It was her. Walk away, for your own sanity, and do it without a word to her.

[JoefromLA]

It's funny because you guys are saying what just about everyone of my friends are saying. It is almost like she did this on purpose, and its her way of "winning" - as if anyone really wins when two people fight for almost a year and have a horrible breakup.

 

It's still hard to let the stuff, go, but that was a great suggestion about deleting numbers and everything. I can't let go of the feeling that her life must be so great now, and why am I the one that is feeling so bad. I just don't understand, there was a time when I knew I had to end it, and I just let it keep going for my own fears of being alone.

 

By the way - I didn't post the half of it, in there about stuff she has done. And you both had the same opinion. I'm guessing that anyone that wouldn't speak to their sister for a year has plenty of "issues". Just wondering if that is where you guys made your assessment.

 

You hit the nail on the head, there was pretty much nothing I could ever do right with her. She always made it seem that I wasn't doing enough in the relationship.

 

But everyone is right - I know the answers. Thanks for being here.

[Dawg88]

Great words of wisdon, Funky. I am in the exact same situation. She, by her own admission, is very needy and selfish, and she holds grudges forever. She didn't speak to her parents for 2 years, and she hates her ex-husband. She played endless mind games with me, then shut me out completely, and I flipped out on her voicemail as well, almost as if she baited me. She called back right away, though (so I know she was at least listening to my messages), but she was calm, and said my true feelings finally came out. Actually, I was just trying to get her to respond to me. Anyway, she told me not to call or text her anymore, and she said she would call me again only if she starts to miss me. I sent her a romantic gift (big mistake) but she didn't respond. I really beat myself up over this one. I blamed myself for everything, but after I thought through things, she was the one with the severe mental issues and insecurities. I don't know why I love her so much, and I hope she is seeing someone else because that will not last. Yeah, she'll be great for a month or so, but then reality will set in once she gets out of that lovey-dovey stage, and then she'll start ripping him apart, too. And, then I hope she calls me again, so I can tell her to take a hike! I found a trend with her. Every guy she dates, comes and goes then comes back again then goes and comes back again. I do love her, but I realize she is not stable, and if I were to get back with her, which I bet at some point she will call, I'll only be in for more misery.

[Curious139]

 

I can't let go of the feeling that her life must be so great now, and why am I the one that is feeling so bad..... and I just let it keep going for my own fears of being alone.

 

 

I know exactly what you mean about her life being wonderful now. My (ex)love as much as told me that.......

 

Rationally I want her to be happy - but with me, not her new man. We all fear loneliness to varying degrees. I certainly do.

 

No contact, remove anything which reminds you of her, keep busy, mix with people and time will heal.