Going through a bad spell

[KittenMoon]

I don't know why but this week I've been feeling more depressed than I have in months. I've been crying regularly, and just been so, so sad.

 

I thought I was kicking this depression thing finally. I've stopped therapy, and my medical professionals and I thought we finally had a combination of meds, supplements, and vitamins that kepts me on an even keel. (For those who have been around for my tenure here, I've been diagnosed with dysthymia and/or PPMD, things that actually go back most of my life, not just since my break-up, which triggered a major depressive episode). I had actually been feeling pretty good for a while, with manageable periods of being down.

 

I don't know what it's been about this week. Nothing has really happened. Usually these dark periods move off after a couple days but this one has been lingering. When I feel like this, it stirs up a lot of sadness and anger, especially in relation to my exbf. Y'know, like I have so much hate towards him, while at the same time I long for that love we had- one thing that would really help these down times.

 

So I don't know. I guess I just wanted to vent a little. I hate feeling sad, I hate crying all the time for no reason, and I hate missing someone who I don't even seem to feel love for anymore. It's truly, truly frustrating. I want a goddamn cure for these feelings- I don't want these dark times to plague me the rest of my life.

[AriaIncognito]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down KM. It's possible that the medication you were put on has become ineffective for you. I know that happens a lot with the medicines for depression. Else, well maybe you're just in a bit of a funk for whatever reason. Maybe you need to change things up a bit. Take on a new hobby or meet some new people or something. Me, I started refocusing on an old hobby of mine, trying to get into a band, and it at least helps me look "forward" to having something else positive in my life, you know? Of course it's hard to find like a s/o but I'm trying actively and it's taking my mind a bit off the ex.

 

What do you always wish you've done, and haven't tried yet? Maybe it's time to drum up some self esteem through trying towards a new success...

[tinke]

KM:

 

sorry about your dark days. can you refresh me..how long since the break-up, contact?

i too, was doing better, but not so much now. i guess i am still in disbelief and having a hard time accepting it (5 mo) for me.

 

i do know, we have the strength to offer good advice to others, but unable to guide ourselves at times. i know it is much harder when you are involved in the situation.

that is why, i too, look forward to the advice given to me by LS.

 

i often ask myself is it HIM i miss or the bond, etc. part of it is that i miss the closeness the comfort of it all, i really am not excited at the thought of meeting new men again.

hopefully, one day, i will feel differently.

 

ask yourself why all of a sudden do you have these strong feelings? are you lonely? bored? yes, as i am sure you know, meds are not a cure all...there is still the work to be done. i am sorry for your pain.

[KittenMoon]

Maybe you need to change things up a bit. Take on a new hobby or meet some new people or something. Me, I started refocusing on an old hobby of mine, trying to get into a band, and it at least helps me look "forward" to having something else positive in my life, you know?

 

Honestly, I've taken up so many hobbies and made some many new friends since my break-up I can't handle anymore. I barely find the time to handle what I do have.

 

And, as much as I enjoy my new hobbies and friends, this doesn't seem to do for me what LSers like to advertise that it does. Not to discourage anyone from trying it... but the gaping hole I've felt over the last 18 months or so remains stubbornly intact.

[Ssheena]

Hi KittenM. Is there any "anniversary" thing going on? Like a death or breakup or something that affected you a lot at this time of year? Has it been cloudy/rainy or anything for awhile or do you see the sun everyday?

 

The only thing I have to suggest is just roll with it, admit you are feeling like crap right now but know things are not going to stay like that forever. Right? You said it doesn't usually last very long... I have the HATE HIM, HATE HIM, HATE HIM, thing going on versus the I miss the relationship, him, he was so nice etc.. too.

 

What is that band that has that song... I hate everything about you, why do I love you?

Three Days Grace.

 

You have made a LOT of progress, it's just a temporary setback.

[KittenMoon]

Nah, no anniversaries or anything.

 

Tues night I randomly saw his former roommate (though he only recently moved out) but it was from a distance and I was fortunate enough to be spared any awkward exchange since he spied me in one of my writer's forums that takes place in a local bookstore. I don't even think he realized I saw him though I know he saw me. In any case, there was never any bad blood between us by any means and even if we had come face to face it wouldn't have mattered much- I doubt he would even mention seeing me to my ex.

 

So whatever is causing this extended funk is frustrating me to no end. It just stirs up all this stuff I'm tired of thinking about. I've been trying really hard to resolve some anger towards my ex.

 

Several months ago we had an exchange that involved me saying to him- near verbatim- "that he needed to say to me 'I only think of you as a friend and there will never be anything else between us'."

 

Well, guess what? He couldn't say it. It's ridiculous- he won't come closer to me again, but he won't go away either. And what infuriates me is that he knows I'm about as far away from the type of girl to tolerate that as can be. To be treated like that makes me feel disgust towards him.

 

And such anger- anger that's been stirred up a lot this week I guess, for some reason.

 

It could just be fatigue and stress- there's been no shortage of that lately, but these funks usually don't last this long. Arg.