slept with ex, then stayed up all night in same bed. Can i tell my boyfriend?

[Vixen763]

New Member

 

Join Date: Aug 2007

Posts: 1

 

 

slept with ex, then stayed up all night in same bed. Can i tell my boyfriend?

Am new here... I broke up with this guy five months ago. I instigated the breakup on principles that we can not blend for the future. However we run into eachother alot and sparks (chemistry) is still heavy.

 

I have a new buyfriend of two months now who i love so much. He lives many miles away on another continnent but we knew eachother from way back so, we agreed on having an exclusive relationship.

 

Recently (and stupidly so) my ex convinced me to join him in the city where he works so we can talk and see if we can work things out. i was to sepnd four nights there. two nights passed and we had no sex which was god for me (also luckily because i was in my pees) the third night it was too muc and it happened. But i realised that i nolonger have as strong feelings for him as i do for the other guy am dating now.

 

Because i couldnot sleep all these nights. You can imagine staying in bed all these nights sleepless and thinking odf my boyfriend and feeling all guilty. Sometrimes i would want to get out of the ebdroom just to speak with him because he would be calling the same hour as always...

 

I ma now so sure that my feelings are with the new guy but i am so guilty. I have not fully explained myself where i have been these past days and unable to talk at night... i want to be honest but how goods would the truth do me especially that i betrayed him...

 

after slepeing with my ex, how do i let him know that the spark is gone and i ahve a new life which i wnat to live now.

 

this is long but write down what you can please

[Cobra_X30]

Well, your going to have a ton of people here who will tell you that you to just keep it a secret. But it sounds like your new BF is clued in already. If I'm him and you dont call or answer your phone for half a bloody week, Im going to assume somethings up.

 

If you dont tell him, come clean and be honest, what kind of person does that make you?

 

You did this... face the music and you can move forward. Otherwise your going to suffer guilt and worry about discovery for the rest of your R.

 

Besides... you need to figure out why you did this in the first place. You put yourself in a position where staying faithful would actually be VERY HARD. Why?

 

Dont bother with the Ex. Just tell him you felt pressured, and that there is nothing there.

[Vixen763]

Yes i want to tell him . i have been already dishonest by not telling him i wasnt at home and that i was in this other city. I dont want to build up a brick of lies under the bridge. For a while i was not sure whether i was still in love with him because i would think about him and miss him even though i felt more significant love for my new boyfriend. But that has in a wya helped me (nad as it is) to sort out my head. i feel guilty because i want to tell him but i dont know how that is going to affect the trust we had built and the future of the relationship....

 

How will it affect him, knowing i let him down and everyday we been telling eachother, we will wait fro one another and make up for the lsot time now until our next meet?

[Vixen763]

And whats even more ashaming is all the four days, we kept talking on the phone and he would think i am home, being that i am on holiday away from work for one week. even thorugh the night i would wake up to respond to his messages to as many as five texts a night...which ex never got to know because he was sleeping... how do i explain all this

[norajane]

Define "boyfriend" when you've only been 'together' 2 months and he's a continent away.

 

You said you broke up with your ex because you didn't see it working out in the future. Do you really see it working out with your boyfriend when he lives on another continent? When are you two ever going to see each other in person, and when are you ever going to live in the same place?

 

It might be best to break up with him, too, and find someone in your city that you can be with on a regular basis.

[Cobra_X30]

Yes i want to tell him . i have been already dishonest by not telling him i wasnt at home and that i was in this other city. I dont want to build up a brick of lies under the bridge. For a while i was not sure whether i was still in love with him because i would think about him and miss him even though i felt more significant love for my new boyfriend. But that has in a wya helped me (nad as it is) to sort out my head. i feel guilty because i want to tell him but i dont know how that is going to affect the trust we had built and the future of the relationship....

 

How will it affect him, knowing i let him down and everyday we been telling eachother, we will wait fro one another and make up for the lsot time now until our next meet?

 

Vixen, Basically your BF is either going to dump you and move on... or come to terms with it and move forward.

 

Either way... the only time you lose, is if you try to cover up.

 

You got into a new relationship before you had gotten over your past one. Now you are over it... and you know it now.

 

It sucks that it happend like this but thats just the way it is.

[lostboy60645]

I'd have to agree with being honest.

 

Keep in mind that I'm a guy and I lied to my wife--a much different situation, but nevertheless, I now feel honesty is the best policy.

 

To take it a step further, I also feel that it may be good to step back from both relationships and think about what your needs in life are. Perhaps see a relationship therapist to help you out.

 

Anytime I see someone going back to their ex for some sex, I have to think there are unresolved issues in that person.

 

The hardest thing to do, but in my opinion, the best thing, is to stop all sexual relationships for a time and work on your emotional stuff.

 

Good Luck

 

Lostboy60645

http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com

[Vixen763]

yes he is a boyfriend alraedy. we know eachother many years over a decade and very closely at that. No sexual activity then. we were just good close friends who happened to socialise together alot.

 

There is alot of potential in my new relationship because we are both in it for the longterm. we met recently and yes we will be meeting again before the year closes and then arrange for one of us to move closer to the other the following year. He is interested in coming nearer to me by mid next year. Our both families welcome our relationship (we have both talked to our families which happen to be known to eachother). Basically it is a serious reltaionship but stupid as it may seem to you, i did feel like there was a part in me that was still in my previous relationship (which i jumped out of for religious and cultural reasons). I instigated the breakup but months later i felt myself still thinking of my ex and trust me, this getting back together with my ex for a couple of days has set me free. pretty ugly it sounds but it has worked for me. I am now emotionally drawn out of that sitution and i want to make the best of my new relationship although the problem i is i have betrayed my boyfriend already and its killing me becase i wnat to tell me, i just dont know if its right to open up now or wait abit or what to expect anyways...

 

I am now sorted out emotionally and i ahve made it clear to my ex that, what happened is in the past. i have moved on to where oi want to be

[Darth Vader]

Are you going to tell your current boyfriend that you slept with the ex-botfriend? A relationship built upon lies is not worth having, especially for your current boyfriend, let him make his own decision with his life. Yes he will be angry, and rightly so, you would be too if he did this to you, how would you feel? Now take responsibility for your actions, tell him now!

[Vixen763]

Thanx for your thoughts really.

They tell me alot about honesty.... i want definately to tell the truth because thats the right thing now to do i think but its so ugly even to think of it myself... How i got myself there is what i dont even want to think about. I tried yesterday to tell him on the phone but he was so happy and telling me alot of happy things and what he did during the day, and i found it hard to braek his happy cycle... I actually cut the conversation short to eight minutes (which is awkward becausse we talk every nite for an hour or more... i felt bad that i had this dark secret and there he was sounding happy and prospective on the phone about everything....

 

is it okay if i write mail because i am finding it difficult to tell him verbally that i slept with my ex....

[Vixen763]

Ok am told emailing would be easier for me but harder for him to read and also cowardly that i can not tell him the truth verbally...

 

Am i wrong to get second thoughts about telling him because i fear for the relationship ending and i want it to work now.

 

If i knew he would never find out, would you advise me to keep the dark secret? I know i amde a misatek and we all do but i have learnt the mistakes the hard way for now.

[Mr. Lucky]

I dont want to build up a brick of lies under the bridge.

I love that metaphor! It's a little different but very appropriate for your situation. Best to tell him the truth, don't want to get trapped under the bridge when the brick of lies comes tumblin' down (and they always do!). Who knows, your new BF may forgive and forget...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lostboy60645]

I've found that conversation on the telephone that's potentially difficult goes more smoothly if I've scripted and practiced it.

 

The thing is, ultimately I've not used the script nearly every time I'd written it out and I ended up speaking from my heart, covering the same ground but with more of a natural sound.

 

I'd say something like the following:

 

"I've something to share with you that I hope we can talk about. It's regarding something I'm ashamed of.

 

First and foremost, I have to admit, I love you and care about you. There's no question about that.

 

There is a question about what I've done and why. I ran into 'ex' recently. I was quite emotionally torn about it, but we ended up being physically intimate.

 

I'm telling you because it's the right thing to do. I'm also being honest with you that I want to be with you, only you. I've made a mistake, having doubts about myself, not you, and I hope you can forgive me for it."

 

That being said, I have to tell you that I never expected my wife to get back together with me after I cheated on her with prostitutes, and unfortunately, I was right.

 

But the truth is very important--take it from a cheater who's in recovery.

 

I'd also tell him you plan to get therapy about your poor choice and then I'd go and do that.

 

Sorry you're going through it. May this experience lead to only better things.

 

Lostboy60645

http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com

[Vixen763]

Tough one it is.... but yes i am grateful to every response i have received. I am writting an email to him now because even him, himself feels that i am being evasive and not wanting to talk to him because since friday i am avoiding lengthy phone conversations. I have been wanting to tell him because honesty is the best policy for true loving relationships and that i what i am interested in buillding if at all he will want to continue to have a relationship with me. If he wont, i will respect it but i might fall apart for a while....

[GreenX]

I wouldn't break the news with an email, that would be extremely awkward for him, imo.

 

I know you say it is hard to say, but, I think you owe him that much than having him read it instead. Should come straight from the horses mouth.

 

Thing is, in letters, emotion is never portrayed correctly. You can't tell unless you are the most awesomemess of writers what you really mean.. at least when you are speaking/listening to someone you can sense their tone, imagine their facial jestures, it's just more 'real' feeling than reading a letter.

 

That is just my opinion tho, hope things turn out in the end, g'luck.

[norajane]

An email is an awful way to tell someone something like this. He'll have this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach and all these questions and you'll be nowhere around to answer any of them. It's cowardly and it's cruel.

 

Talk to him, and make sure you've set aside plenty of time to talk to him when you call to tell him about this. You say you want this man to be yours forever - now is a good time to start learning to communicate properly and show him some respect and compassion. Right now isn't about making it easier on you - it's about helping him understand what you did and why.

[GreenX]

An email is an awful way to tell someone something like this. He'll have this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach and all these questions and you'll be nowhere around to answer any of them. It's cowardly and it's cruel.

 

Talk to him, and make sure you've set aside plenty of time to talk to him when you call to tell him about this. You say you want this man to be yours forever - now is a good time to start learning to communicate properly and show him some respect and compassion. Right now isn't about making it easier on you - it's about helping him understand what you did and why.

I agree 100%, time to stop thinking about yourself and think of him first!

[Vixen763]

Thank you.Him and i talked about this yesterday on the phone and i did tell him everything. It was very painful i must say. I did not ask to break up with him but i told him i was sincerely regretful of what happened and i wanted to do everything i can to make amends and rebuild the trust...

 

He said " You have always been focused in all your previous relationships which i ahve know of, what happened? arae you still in love with your Ex...alo said but he asked me if he can sleep over it and he would phone me later today and we talk about it again?

 

Welli dont know what to expect but am glad i finally came clean!!!

[Vixen763]

Ok i managed to tell my boyfriend as i said. We have talked and talked through this and i guess i am just lucky. He would liek to forgive me and we work things out... Its been pretty difficult yesterday but i can safely say, thank you to everybodu who helped push me to tell him esp verbally because he did appreciate the fact that i picked the courage to tell him even when he could have never found out and also that i did it verbally.

 

If anyone wants to know what an awful feeling it is to hurt someone and yet they seem to be forgiving and give you a chance...ask me..It was my first and beleive you me...the guilty alone would be enough punishment.

 

right now the only issue we might have is different religiosn but i sought advice on that, on another forum (same community), so i guess i am getting guidance there...

 

thanx alot to all the help... and to BISH i think you need to take it slow on people. cheating on someone you love is awful but it doesnt make one the devil. they are sillt and careless sefish mistakes we make in life- they dont dehumanize one- get it?

[bish]

thanx alot to all the help... and to BISH i think you need to take it slow on people. cheating on someone you love is awful but it doesnt make one the devil. they are sillt and careless sefish mistakes we make in life- they dont dehumanize one- get it?

 

What you did was NOT a mistake. You went to spend 4 days with your ex. You knew what you were doing and wanted to.

 

It was NOT a mistake.....get it??

[Vixen763]

Bish i dont know who cheated on you but you really need to let go of that pain and not throw it on me/everybody...

 

I said earlier that i was missing and thinking of this guy/ex so much that i wanted to see him even when i was in another relationship... I began to wonder who i was actually in love with because i couldnt imagine myself being in love with two people at the same time. My ex was always nudging me for a second chance...so i went. I slept with him once out of four days and i regrated it immediately and told him. I was not able to leave until after the four days...travelwise..

 

Whats important in life is for people to realise the graveness of the mistakes they commit and work on change that both internally and around them.

 

You seem to be hurt by somebody but hey let it go...its flooding on to me...

[shakenandstirred]

Vixen,

 

What Bish is implying is that you made a concious decision to betray your current boyfriend. You should not have put yourself in that position. Whether you had feelings or not for your ex, it does not excuse you going to spend 4 days with him to "test the waters" again, knowing full well you were already in a relationship. You were wrong and Bish is trying to get you to face that and not just glaze over it like a "matter of fact" thing.

I do commend you for coming clean. That is honorable. No matter how hurt your boyfriend gets at you and no matter how he vents at you (without getting violent) you must accept that it is because of what you have done. You, for right now, do not deserve to be comforted for your feelings of guilt and remorse. All that is important is empathizing for the tremendous hurt you have just caused. Yes people who are cheated on do feel strongly against cheaters when they seem to try to somewhat make the matter less than it is. You may not be intentionally doing this, but that is how it is coming across. I wish you nothing but success in your relationship with your boyfriend, but it is not going to be easy.

[Vixen763]

I do understand that, but it doe not make sense when somebody uses my ID (vixen) to get at me personaly. Cheating is certainly not what i would want for myself and neither for my boyfriend. But that it happened and i have been willing to come clean as a matter of principle to be hoenst and not continue to build up more lies which iw as alraedy doing by avoiding lengthy phone chats with him, is enough to show how regretful i feel about it and how desperate i ahev been to make things right and still eb able to keep the relationship. Bish was being insulting and i dont htink i was appreciating that, mush as i would have wanted every possible support and guidance from here...

[bish]

Bish i dont know who cheated on you but you really need to let go of that pain and not throw it on me/everybody...

 

I said earlier that i was missing and thinking of this guy/ex so much that i wanted to see him even when i was in another relationship... I began to wonder who i was actually in love with because i couldnt imagine myself being in love with two people at the same time. My ex was always nudging me for a second chance...so i went. I slept with him once out of four days and i regrated it immediately and told him. I was not able to leave until after the four days...travelwise..

 

Whats important in life is for people to realise the graveness of the mistakes they commit and work on change that both internally and around them.

 

And that was my point...you say it was a "mistake"...but it wasn't. This was a planned outing to see your ex. No mistake about it.

 

If you think you want to put this behind you and never go down that road again, and move on, if possible, with your bf...then fine.

 

but don't call it a mistake...because it wasn't.

[norajane]

But that it happened and i have been willing to come clean as a matter of principle to be hoenst and not continue to build up more lies which iw as alraedy doing by avoiding lengthy phone chats with him, is enough to show how regretful i feel about it and how desperate i ahev been to make things right and still eb able to keep the relationship.

 

If you've ever been cheated on, I think you'd realize that coming clean about it is NOT enough to show how regretful you are and that you are committed to the relationship. It's a start, but most often it's done to alleviate the cheaters' guilt as much as for principles.

 

Your bf now has to deal with the aftermath of knowing his girl was screwing another guy when she was supposedly being faithful. That's going to mess with his head and his heart, so please understand you may have to do MORE than just telling him about it to actually make him feel better.