A Better Way out of that Dark Place....

[kirikat]

You know, I tried fighting love. I tried hating him. I tried forgetting. It didnt work, so I tried the opposite. I simply surrendered, and I embraced it.

 

Love always comes with a price. And, the price is always a broken heart. It doesn't matter if the love lasts a year, a minute, or a lifetime.... it always ends the same way.

 

Faced with this reality, we can choose to close down and become numb. We can simply not participate.... and in fact, I know people who have done this, and well... they are just a little dead. Many mistake this closing down as "peace" - but, its not. Its just being a little dead.

 

The other choice is to simply open your heart, knowing that everything is impermanant, and that no matter what, you will suffer. Sometimes unimaginably.

 

Robert McDonald writes in "Tools of the Spirit" that

 

Love is 100% participation in life, knowing that who you love will be taken from you, knowing that if you love, your heart will be broken. Love is fully participating knowing that everything you hold dear is changing, is impermanent and will die... it is not a guess, its a guarantee. And the question is, "Whats the value of continuing to love anyway? What is the value of continuing to open again and again and again?" And what is the alternative?

 

 

For me, the alternative is to be a little dead. And that is most certainly not what I want. I want to live with an open heart, able to love people in the face of fear, rejection, and certain inevitable loss.

 

I have been hating myself for loving him, and I have been feeling very ashamed of myself for having a broken heart. But this is more than "feeling sorry for myself". I have been desperately seeking to find someway that this brokenness was meaningful......

 

I hope, that somehow, some of my love reached him, and that somehow I made him a better man, and his world a better place. I will always love him, because he is who he is, a gentle and loving irreplaceable being. That he didnt love me back in full measure has naught to do with me.... we are all limited in ways and shapes, and he gave me what love he had to give, whatever its limitations.

 

For me, I will strive to be grateful for having loved and for those moments where he had some love to return.

 

I will strive to be grateful for this pain, because pain gives us things to work on as we grow more and more human through out our lifetimes. Pain is a messenger, and is not our enemy. It is our friend, if we allow it to be so.

 

I will listen for this pain, and I will allow it to be meaningful, and I will try and listen carefully for all the lessons it has to teach. I will try and move closer to it, and embrace it, and ask it to help me heal the little shadow child inside of me who holds a core belief that she will never ever be loved.

 

Love brings joy, but it also brings suffering. Peace can only be achieved with the acceptance that these experiences are neither good, nor bad... they just are, and each has its own gifts.

[kirikat]

PS....

 

I need to tell you what happened after I wrote this.

 

I went out by myself to an outdoor festival. I wandered around, feeling sad but resigned. There was a booth for 5 Euro massages, and I got one.

 

Then, I sat at a table in a wine bar, and nursed a glass of wine, watching the crowd.

 

Suddenly, the universe began to support me. In a BIG way. The waiter said 'you look sad' - and brought me a plate of food. Two men at the table next to me asked me what was going on - and I explained a little, in broken italian.

 

They too began feeding me - fruits and vegitables, and more wine. We talked for a long time, and then they asked if they could see me home... (Italy is not the US, and I was perfectly safe).

 

On the way home, they took me to see a view of my city I had never seen before.

 

I fell asleep - and of course, when I woke up, I checked my messages.

 

And - of course.... there it was: "Kirikat, I am so sorry....."

 

Of course, I don't quite know what to make of it.... and I am a little disturbed, but I am grateful that 2 weeks later, he let me know that he is hurting too, and that I am not alone in missing us.

 

[funkybassplayer]

A great post, feel your emotions, and let them come out. All we feel is whats inside our self. Can you imagine the people that shut themselves off to that kind of pain, can you imagine all the heartbreaks and issues that they carry around inside of them! And the worst thing is that most of us here, are here b/c we have fell in love with one of those people!! Its hard to say what that text means , maybe a goodbye, or maybe hes feeling guilty, but at least it gave you the closure that you needed.

[SierraMarie]

You know, I tried fighting love. I tried hating him. I tried forgetting. It didnt work, so I tried the opposite. I simply surrendered, and I embraced it.

 

I'm glad you posted this. I was actually going to post something quite similar. I tried doing this and that to get over it. I tried pretending I was alright, I tried distracting myself. But those things really don't work because sooner or later you're going to go back to feeling the same way you did before. Either that or just stuff it down so far that you don't feel it anymore, but then it's bound to resurface at some point.

 

So I just decided to be depressed and sad. I just let myself feel that way and I didn't feel guilty about it because I had a good reason. And it seems that has worked better than anything. I felt very depressed for a few days, and there was some comfort in letting myself feel that way. But now I feel much better, happy even! And if I start to feel depressed again, I'll just let it happen instead of trying to make it go away.

 

I'm happy you had a good night, kirikat!

[purety1]

your post.... was amazing... I have been walking around feeling dead... living dead... scared from all my heartbreaks.... now i know and understand life in a different way... I love this song by Kimberley Locke - Change.. I feel a change coming over me!! Thank u for your post!! I think if i would have seen life and pain in the way you expressed in your post.. One door may close but another always opens... you past thru more stages after a break up and you appreciate all the things in life so much more...

 

keep living .....

[Ssheena]

Great post Kirikat. I'm so glad you are the type of person who would rather experience/feel the pain of heartbreak than stuff it down and go dead inside.

 

Give the little shadow child inside of you some extra attention today and make sure she knows she is loveable and that you love her.

 

It seems the very very stupid boy is realizing his mistakes.

 

Does he read your blog? I just did. Very interesting....I share a lot of the same thoughts. I know my x used to, I don't know if he still does..

 

BIG HUGS and congrats for taking the steps forward that you have.

[AriaIncognito]

I loved your post too, Kirikat, and it's definintely true. We need to allow ourselves to feel what it is that we are feeling. So many of us walk around saying "but I'm not supposed to still feel this way" and such, but well, there's no room for "supposed" in love now is there. If it was all a logical world, we could set these kinds of limits, but emotions are far from logical.

 

Sometimes I try to tell myself that I should be over him, because it's been a few months, and I know he didn't reciprocate how I felt, etc, but then I realize that well, this is how I feel, like it or not, so either I feel it and deal with it as it comes, or I pretend I dont feel anything. Pretending gets old real quick.

 

Thanks for sharing your story Kirikat. But the next question begs to be answered...are you going to reply to his contact?

[Trialbyfire]

It is a beautiful post.

 

In some ways I wish I could be this way but in others, reality strikes and being a little dead is preferential. I just ended something recently but only feel a sense of relief and a touch of sadness. I don't think it's denial because I never fully invested. More that it was a slow death of the amount invested, one moment at a time. Perhaps cynicism has its uses.

[kirikat]

Hey yall....

 

First, I did try and reply, His cell phone is off. For all the stuff I felt I had together, that text message messed with my head. He must have had something to say, and then changed his mind. (I did mention that he seems to have a problem with commitment, no?)

 

I asked 5 different male friends what was up with that message. To a man, they each replied "He's horny".

 

In any case, I dropped him a message saying "Please dont text me, and not reply to my response. Its hurts and confuses me. If you have somethng to say to me, please call me"

 

Then, I sent him the copy of my blog post....

 

However, there is really not much to say. He likes me and doesnt want to give up the sex and companionship. I love him, and will not allow myself to stay in a situation where I am not loved in return in a meaningful way. It kills me to say it, but I assume we're done with each other.

 

Having a broken heart totally sucks no matter how inevitable it is, or how philosophical I am trying to be

 

If you guys want to read my blog, its kirikat.blogspot.com. Feel free to leave comments.

[Grace112]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. It was so moving; I feel like I heard your heart.

 

It's true. I rather feel the pain that I feel now than to have never loved him as much as I did. To close myself off from the joy of love in order to just protect my heart is inconceivable. I should be thankful that I knew the love of a man and look forward to loving this deeply once again. Thank you so much for posting.

[raslers]

One word-beautiful. I loved what you wrote. Just beautiful!!