overandout Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Just a quick recap about my situation. Xmm is a real ditherer, can't handle pressure very well and at the end of last year he refused to meet up with me to discuss things. He had stopped seeing me during the evenings and at some weekends, adding once that he could maybe see me for 5 minutes one night! Charming. Then he would not phone for a couple of weeks and then suddenly bombard me 15 times a day with phone calls demanding to know whare I had been. So when I suggested we meet to discus this he ignored me, began to humiliate me etc and I was devastated but decided it was the end of the road. I had wanted him to just say it was over but he wouldn't. After a few months of NC he started to hang out in places he knew I went to, and I have seen him but not let him see me. I avoided him by going elsewhere. He is normally on his summer holidays now, so imagine my surprise when he came and sat beside me in the library. He looked pretty hyped up and started talking non stop to me about nothing important. Then he asked me what I was doing theses days and how was work etc. He then said that the father of his son's best friend had left home to live with his OW. His children are in their twenties but my xmm's son has moved back home as he had racked up debts of $40,000. Anyway he then said that he presumed that the dad would have to continue supporting his son even though he had left home. Now why is he saying all this stuff to me now (albeit he is talking about someone else). When I wanted to discuss this with him a year ago, he didn;t want to know. I could easily have slipped back into the trap of feeling sorry for him but I told him that I had to go and that I would see him around. He didn't react when I walked off. This is the second time that he has mentioned this sort of thing to me (the other time being around easter) but my gut feeling is that he is still mixed up and would probably only want to resume the affair on his terms (going nowhere) and I think I deserve better than that. He hasn't phoned me so what am I to make of this? I just don't understand why he is bringing up this topic in a matter of fact way again when he knows it must be poignant/painful for me. He could have just said hello when he saw me and moved to a computer upstairs away from me. I am wondering if I shouldn't have given him the brush off the second time but equally I am not sure of his motives. Any ideas?
OpenBook Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 ... my gut feeling is that he is still mixed up and would probably only want to resume the affair on his terms (going nowhere) and I think I deserve better than that... Listen to your gut. ALWAYS. It sounds right to me, in this situation. He sounds confused, unsure of what he wants. I think he's coming back around for 2 reasons: (1) He's testing his own reaction to you, to see if he still has feelings for you. (2) He's trying to discern where YOU'RE at with him -- to see how much he will be able to get away with, whether you're still in love with him, how willing you are to continue putting up with his bullsh*t, etc. It looks to me like the ball is in your court. If I were you, I'd slam it down his throat and then walk away. You could do SO much better than him.
child_of_isis Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Good on you. It sounds like you are understanding the game. This is how they get their claws into you. Stay strong. I could easily have slipped back into the trap of feeling sorry for him
Author overandout Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 Yes, thanks to you both for your observations. I forgot to add that he started distancing himself because I am fairly sure that his wife was onto him--hence not meeting up in the evenings/week ends. I suspect he was relieved to be rid of me and the pressure for a while while he concentrated on his marriage, but he has become bored at home again so he goes looking for attention. He is not that committed to working on his marriage. Just wanted to know if his talking about someone else leaving home meant that he was considering it for himself. Probably not--just after the affair again or else he would be beating my door if he had something definite to say like " I'm your's all yours"!
lessonlearnt Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 It seems to me that he wanted out when his wife got suspicious. He didn't want to face you beacuse he is a coward and also he didn't want it to be over. So he is a good boy for a while but then he misses you, so he starts the hanging around thing. He starts talking about someone else leaving home because he is trying to reel you back in, making you think that maybe he is talking about your situation with him. I think it is a ploy to get you back in the affair, and and you can see this. He doesn't want to end his marriage or else he would take the initiative and pick up the phone. He is not working on his marriage either. In short he still wants it all and if you resume with him and he has a D Day he will treat you he same way as last time. Yes the ball is in your court and if I were you, I would throw it as far as you can towards the landfill site, as he is garbage and you are finally seeing this.
nellstar Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Wow - I sure hope you would leave. He's playing games with you. If he wants to play, yeah you should play ball with him. Throw it wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy over where he would be able to catch it but wouldn't be able to find his way back to you! Does that make sense?? Sorry if it doesn't - somehow it does in my head! Overandout - you deserve so much more... so so much more!!
Author overandout Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 I do not understand why he would play these games. Why doesn't he just have done with it. He was the one who effectively ended it (by default) so what the hell is he going to gain. He is so twisted/confused, that even if I did let him know I was interested, he might push me away again. I still don't think he is happy in his marriage but that doesn't really help me.
boredwithit Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 He sounds pretty immature and do you really want to be with someone like that? He wants you on his terms end of story. I think you should keep up the good work of ignoring him, and if you do bump into him, show him plenty of indifference. That will really get his goat. Attention seekers really hate being ignored.
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