My letter to the ex

[Mollyanna]

It's been 3 months now since he walked out of my life, along with all the money he stole from me. And I had to write a letter. I know you will all think this is crazy, but I have to. Why do I send it to all of you? I guess for the same reason I am sending it to him - I need to know someone is listening, someone who won't hold things against me.

 

Here it is:

 

I am hearing rumors – those that hurt me more than I have ever been hurt, things you have done, things you have said. Sometimes I wish I could hate you. Perhaps I need to finally get that you used me, pure and simple and I need to just let this go, let you go, live with what happened. But I can't even now. On my most difficult days, I can't understand how someone so close to me could have put my life and my emotional well-being at risk. I thought you were there to protect me. That's all I ever wanted, was to feel secure and accepted, like someone in this world was watching out for me. I have been through so much and you knew it, and yet you decided my life wasn't ****ed up enough? Are these rumors true????? I can't even write them, because I can't stop crying whenever I think about them. I wake up in the middle of the night frightened from dreaming about them.

 

I've been going through some really rough times. The longer time goes by that I don't hear from you, the more I fear the truth. Some days I don't want to live. I am paralyzed with fear, afraid to speak to anyone, get to know anyone, trust anyone, even leave this house. Where the hell will I go – what if the next stop is even more ****ed up than this one? Ashamed. Fearful. And too embarrassed to tell anyone how I feel so I have shut everyone out, even my family, even the girls. I want those little girls to see me forever as they do now, not grow up and realize how screwed up Aunt Molly really is. And not love me anymore.

 

I am talking to you about this because I don't know what else to do. Even though you will never respond, I need to get this out. You have seen the lows. You understand what it is like to struggle with your identity. You don't look down your nose at me. I just need to believe someone is hearing me. Otherwise, it's almost like I don't exist at all.

 

I miss you. God I really miss you. How sad is that? If everything they say is true, you were setting me up right from the start, knowing how sensitive and vulnerable I am. Just easy prey. Knowing that I will beat myself up for this forever - you do nothing to help me with these fears. How can I miss you??? Because I don't want to believe that you could do these things to me. I have to see you for who I thought you were. I need to believe you valued who I am. I don't know how else to go on without believing that. What is so ****ed up about me that no one cares how they destroy me???

 

I hope you are OK out there. On my better than bad days, I try to imagine you are doing everything you can to be a good person, change old habits, and learn to get over your hurt. I tell myself you that you cared about me enough to walk away so as to help me. How naïve is that?

[underpants]

Oh Molly,

 

I have thought about you and wondered how you were.

 

Have you sent this letter to him yet? If not hold off for a bit sweetie, okay?

 

I am sure some really great people are going to chime in on this.

 

I am glad you posted.

[Teacher's Pet]

Hey gorgeous, glad to see you back...

 

Of course... not glad to see you hurting.

 

I guess no matter how bad a person is for us, sometimes it's so hard to let go of the feelings.

 

Trust me, I know that all too well.

 

The fact that your heart is still capable of holding on to these feelings does have a good side to it.....

 

.....it shows how much love you have to give, despite situations.

 

Every guy should meet a woman like you who is capable of so much love, but that guy should be able and willing to give it right back to you.

 

It pains me to see someone I care about so much hurting the way he's hurt you, but at the same time, seeing how genuine the emotions are on your part just proves you are better than he is, and worth so much to the right guy who won't use your abundance of love and emotion against you...

 

Chin up, DS..... the right guy WILL appreciate everything you offer.

 

-tp

and until then...when the hell you coming back here?

[LakesideDream]

If this guy is half the bastard you say he is... please don't send the letter. If you do it will make his month.

 

Vulnerable is not good, or attractive.

[AriaIncognito]

 

Chin up, DS..... the right guy WILL appreciate everything you offer.

 

-tp

and until then...when the hell you coming back here?

 

Yeah DS, you need to come back up for Karaoke part 2. Now that I've learned some new songs. Your FW and SB are waiting :-)

 

I'm sorry the D thing is bothering you again. I feel your pain. I'm only a month behind you with 2 months NC or 2.5 now I guess. How time flies. Neither of our D's are worth our time, and you know that. You're just hurting from things going wrong with the new guy and want to go back to something familiar. You need to let D go, and I agree with the other posters, don't send that letter. All it does, is give him the knowledge that he still has power over you. Sure, it's ok that he still has it, but he needn't know this, just like my D needn't know it either. We are both better off moving forward.

 

I'm game. Are you?

[lonelybird]

Mollyanna

 

Seems you look at him as someone very superior to you, such as "protect, source of security, source of love, validation of your value"? seems you look at him as little god?

 

No man can be so superior to his lover.

 

You have to find that superior source before finding a man, and this source is all around you and in you all the time: God, God loves you. a man can not be all these things. they cannot bear this kind of responsibility for a woman's happiness, just too much for them.

 

Just ask God to fill you with his unconditional love, he will do so. He is not so far, one single prayer, you maybe feel God' s presence, He will heal you

 

then you will be strong and confident and find a man who you can exchange love with him

[funkybassplayer]

If you havent sent the letter than dont, but what you have done is shown us your issues, and you should read that back to your self, cos its a good thing what you have done. You have outlined all whats missing from you, and telling him that wont make any diffenece. What will is to work on yourself, go back and put right whats wrong in your life. The only kind of letter woth sending is one wishing our ex well in there life, and truly doing it from the heart.

Dont be afraid to be single, face yourself, as thats the time to do it. When you have, you will meet some1 that will bring to you rather than take for m you. Please dont think this a bad thing, but it is one that needs addressing, as coming to terms with yourself, and finding self worth an love for yourself, will be the best gift that anyone could want for themselves, and you will be an amazing partner for your right person. Dont be scared of facing a future with out him. HE will only add to whats not right, rather than give. BE strong.

[Mollyanna]

Hey you guys. Thanks for responding. It does help to have someone to talk to about this. I'm too embarassed to tell my friends or family because they just keep saying the same damn thing "He's a loser, get over it". That doesn't help how I feel. Only makes me feel worse about myself because that is all I can get.

 

I guess I wrote the letter because if he cares enough, he will ask me about the rumors and perhaps he will convince me they aren't true.. the rumors are really bad. I swear I want to throw up when I think of what they imply. I need to hear him say he would never do those things to me.

 

I'm not afraid of being without him, I know I am better off not being in his thug world. Now I am just afraid to find that everyone is just like him, unworthy of trust. I have dated a couple guys since him and they both turned out to be manipulators too. One is currently in jail for beating up a girl, the other chased and chased and chased me, couldn't live without me, talked about a future - then we slept together and he kicked me out in the morning, saying it was a mistake. He left and asked me to lock the door when I left.

 

So yeah I am depressed right now and it brought me back to D. Because I wonder what it is about me that is so ****ed up? Why do I deserve this?

[Mollyanna]

Vulnerable is not good, or attractive.

 

i keep thinking of this statement and I know how true it is now. But how do I stop being vulnerable. So many things have happened to me in the last few years and I am so afraid. But when I do fight letting someone in, they get very aggravated with me and angry because I am punishing them for something someone else did. But then I let them in, and they just hurt me too! How do I get out of this loop??

[garnet]

Mollyanna,

 

Until you are able to recover your self esteem and feel good about your life and who you are, you are at risk of attracting the same type of men, the ones who will take advantage of you.

 

It's the universal law of attraction: like attracts like. I was in this cycle for years myself, suffering from extremely low self esteem and thus attracting abusive men like a magnet. People can easily pick up on insecurity and self-doubt, and unfortunatey there are people out there who will prey on that. Sad but true.

 

My advice to you, and what worked for me, is to take a break from dating and focus on making yourself happy. When you are a strong and fulfilled person, you will not tolerate this mess from anyone. This guy you have been involved with is clearly a dirt bag, and trust me, he will get what he deserves eventually. Sending him that letter will only feed his pathetic ego. You'll probably never get an honest answer out of him anyway, so you have to create your own closure.

 

Be glad that he and the other jerks are gone, and use this opportunity to say "Enough! I'm taking a stand and taking myself back." Once you make this promise to yourself, you'll start to feel better, I promise.

 

One day you'll look back at this and won't believe you ever put up with this guy. You'll know you deserve better. Having lost years of my life to abusive men myself, I hope that day comes for you sooner rather than later.

[Mollyanna]

Why do I have this Pollyanna attitude sometimes? I still see the good in him, as buried deep inside of him that it is... There were times I could hear his voice or see his smile and know that I would be OK. Yes he was in a lot of things I shouldn't have been involved in. But I never saw that as him. I thought he was in a bad stage of his life and would eventually leave it. I Knew he was hurting over the loss of his family (he has no one). I believed I could be his beacon, that if he believed someone loved him, he wouldn't do such hurtful things to himself.

 

In the process, I got hurt. He took the money, my love, and he left. I didn't send the letter... I compose a new one in my head every day. I don't know what it is about him, but I still feel very connected. He is not what I want as a husband, but I feel this need to have him in my life in some way. I feel this strong urge. When will this go away? I wonder if it ever will? There is something about him that I can't let go of. It's intangible. Just this feeling of a lost boy who who desperately looking for the right path. Maybe it's because I see the reflection of me.

 

In this instance, is it so bad to contact him? Couldn't we save each other??

[funkybassplayer]

You may also find that b/c you have gone through all the emotional stress with him, as i did with my ex, they become deep rougted in your head, and hard to let go of. We tried to help, and feel like we have failed? but we havent, and the issues are deep within them, and sometimes its better for them to leave the relationship, rather than be reminded of themselves if they stayed with us. Evey time they looked at us, they saw them. Its natural what you feel and it will pass, in time, but it may not be a bad thing if you sought help too, as you have to unload this mental baggae in order to feel hapy with just being you. The issues they have need real help, and only they can seek this if they want to let go of their own guilt.

[lonelybird]

Why do I have this Pollyanna attitude sometimes? I still see the good in him, as buried deep inside of him that it is... There were times I could hear his voice or see his smile and know that I would be OK. Yes he was in a lot of things I shouldn't have been involved in. But I never saw that as him. I thought he was in a bad stage of his life and would eventually leave it. I Knew he was hurting over the loss of his family (he has no one). I believed I could be his beacon, that if he believed someone loved him, he wouldn't do such hurtful things to himself.

 

In the process, I got hurt. He took the money, my love, and he left. I didn't send the letter... I compose a new one in my head every day. I don't know what it is about him, but I still feel very connected. He is not what I want as a husband, but I feel this need to have him in my life in some way. I feel this strong urge. When will this go away? I wonder if it ever will? There is something about him that I can't let go of. It's intangible. Just this feeling of a lost boy who who desperately looking for the right path. Maybe it's because I see the reflection of me.

 

In this instance, is it so bad to contact him? Couldn't we save each other??

You give him constant love, did he believe someone loved him? what did he do to hurt himself? can you help him to find right path? what is right path? right path is to be with you or something else?

 

If you want to be his beacon, are you strong enough? are you affected by his immature behavious? if you are sad and gloom according to his behavious, you cannot be his beacon. if you tie yourself up to this image (can save each other), you emerge in grandose version, and will end up frustration. Reality isn't so, we all are messed up human being, we need more superior power to fix this.

 

We are only set free when we accept that we have limitation, we are only human being.

[lonelybird]

I need to believe you valued who I am. I don't know how else to go on without believing that. What is so ****ed up about me that no one cares how they destroy me???

 

why do you give other human being so much room to define you? why do you let other man to define your value? IF you let others to define you, you set yourself up to hurt 100% for sure. because NO ONE is perfect, as long as they are human they are going to hurt you with intention or without. It is YOU who let others to destroy you.

 

you are so vulnerable because you let others to define you. this is so bondage.

[lindya]

i keep thinking of this statement and I know how true it is now. But how do I stop being vulnerable. So

 

You can't just switch vulnerability off. Especially not when you've been through a rough time. I'm sorry someone thought it was appropriate to tell you that vulnerability is unattractive - I'm sure they were trying to be helpful, but as far as I can see that just encourages you to keep examining yourself through the eyes of your harshest critics which will encourage you in that downwards spiral. Not an effective way to start building up your confidence again. Tough love shouldn't involve encouraging people to feel crap about themselves for being a bit vulnerable when they've been through an emotionally distressing and draining time.

 

So instead of berating yourself for being vulnerable and for not "getting over it", why not just accept that your particular temperament and circumstances have combined to leave you feeling this way, and that it's going to take a bit of time and work to move on from that.

 

Logically you probably know that writing to this guy isn't going to help you. I don't know the backstory, but it sounds as though he is very much bad news. You might be hoping that he has a conscience you can appeal to successfully....but reading between the lines - this guy stealing from you, being involved in a thuggish crowd etc - you'd just be setting yourself up for another extremely distressing setback which you really don't need.

 

I don't necessarily agree with lonelybird's habit of bringing religion into things, but I think she's spot on with this comment:

 

why do you give other human being so much room to define you? why do you let other man to define your value? IF you let others to define you, you set yourself up to hurt 100% for sure. because NO ONE is perfect, as long as they are human they are going to hurt you with intention or without. It is YOU who let others to destroy you.

 

you are so vulnerable because you let others to define you. this is so bondage.

[Mollyanna]

Thanks again to everyone for your words of encouragement and for making me think. I don't understand why I miss this particular guy so much. And why I thought I was over the guy before him and now they are BOTH in my dreams together. It is ridiculous. I wake up every morning so confused. And find that even in my thoughts I get their names mixed up sometimes. I think I fell for D so hard because I wasn't over M. And then when it ended with D.. now I am dealing with both heartbreaks. And I KNOW I am better off without either one of them. They are not anywhere near the person I see myself married to. But they were my escapes. We did a lot of "escaping" together. We were all messed up emotionally for different reasons. M was because his wife left him and took the kids. D is because his Mom died and that was the last bit of family he had left.

 

I tried to save both of them and thought they could save me. Now I am lost, no one to save but myself and no idea how to do it. A million ideas, but can't make a decision of what to do with my life. I'll be 35 this year. THIS is my life? Alone in a town where I have NO friends, only 2 bar acquaintances. NOW what do I do???? Where do I go?

 

And I miss them, can't help it. I thought they were always be in my life at least as friends, but neither of them cared enough, though they both promised to never leave me.

 

PS, I did NOT send the letter.

[funkybassplayer]

Please look up co dependance? it could be you. its not a dig, but sometimes people become dependant on looking after and trying to save others with huge issues that to be honest can only be delt with by them selves and councilling. The dreams and waking up with thoughts will go as time moves on, but you have to lookinto yourself more and see why you needed these people. You may be surprised that the key to your happyness is within you and not them, and if you can see your own needs, then let them go along with these two, you may start to heal faster than you can imagine.

[Teacher's Pet]

Alone in a town where I have NO friends, only 2 bar acquaintances. NOW what do I do???? Where do I go?

 

Last night, we were at karaoke (as always), and it was quite empty there, so I got to sing a LOT of songs... So, I'm still in a bit of a musical mood, so let me solve your problem with a tribute to the Chairman Of The Board....

 

#It's up to you, New York, New York.......#

 

Ok, I'm STILL trying.

 

But think, you could also just move to Jersey! Just pick a town between exits 18 and 10 on the Turnpike, and you'll be near people you know and love....and a lot of new people who would absolutely adore you too :)

 

-tp

ova hea!

[livebuzzwords]

Knowing that I will beat myself up for this forever - you do nothing to help me with these fears. How can I miss you??? Because I don't want to believe that you could do these things to me. I have to see you for who I thought you were. I need to believe you valued who I am. I don't know how else to go on without believing that. What is so ****ed up about me that no one cares how they destroy me???

 

I AM ALWAYS BESIDE YOU TO LISTEN AND SUPPORT - U ARE VALUED, YOUR FEARS CAN BE CONQUERED, BELIEVE IN THE TRUTH

IF YOU COULD LOOK INTO MY EYES, AND U INTO MINE YOU WOULD SEE THAT IS THE TRUTH - THIS ROUGH PATCH IS SIMPLY THAT AND U HAVE BEATEN THESE ISSUES DOWN BEFORE - BEFORE THE X SO U KNOW YOU HAVE WON BEFORE - YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX YOURSELF - THIS IS NOT NEW - YOU HAD THESE ISSUES AT THE START AND U DID THE WORK - JUST REMEMBER WHAT U DID AND TRY THAT AGAIN - I CAN HELP

ITS NOT AS BLEEK AS U MAKE IT OUT - U ARE A CONFIDENT, SMART AND CLEVER WOMAN - NOW JUST TRY GETTING RID OF THIS PIECE BY PIECE

STAY KEWL

[lonelybird]

Hi, I am proud of you didn't send the letter

 

I found Tony T post in another thread is quite acurate to express today's people

 

You'd be amazed at how many people are seeing other people for the sole purpose of filling a void, all the while waiting for something else to come along. It happens every second of the day. It's scary. ...they don't want to admit it....

 

God made a place in our heart expecially for seeking him, but people try to fill that place or void with other things: lovers, money, carreer, power....but none of these really can fill this void, only God can. If people find other things to fill that void, it will not last long

 

It seems very far from the purpose of your post, but it is very close. You don't know how to save yourself, same here, but God knows how to save you. Seek him, you will have fulfilled and satisfying life and a wonderful man, and to learn how to be healthy and strong woman from God. God can heal you and teach you.

 

Visit church, or watch TBN, or read Bible, or just pray a prayer ask God to enter into your heart. Do you want to another new beginning? try Lord