kaveets Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 :(I am really really upset. I had been practicing NC for the last month, but I needed to contact him about stuff that I have to get from his house. We had a really abusive, bad relationship and I even quit my job and moved 9 hours away to get out of it. Because we kept going back to eachother. Well- I was doing fine till I called him. I have now talked to him for like 5 hours in the last 2 days and have already found myself falling into his lies again. He's saying he's changed, wants to be engaged to me again, wants to marry me now, etc. Basically everything i want to hear. I had worked so hard to get over it and now I feel like I am back at square one. I had to tell him today that I can't talk to him anymore. It was like reopening the wound and going through it all over again. I really love him and I just wish it could work, but I know it can't... and never will.. I just keep reminding myself of the bad stuff, but I so want to believe all the great things he was saying on the phone these last two days.. Any advice??
norajane Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Did you ever keep a journal or something while you were in this abusive, bad relationship? It can help keep your resolve if you can look back and remember exactly how terrible he made you feel during your relationship. Keep in mind that people don't change in a month! He's still the same guy that was abusive toward you, but he's turning on the charm and telling you what you want to hear so he can drag you back. You moved 9 hours away - that should be plenty of distance for you to not even consider moving back. Give yourself some time to heal and get out there and meet some new friends and have fun. Be relieved that you no longer have to cry about something terrible he did to you!
Author kaveets Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Thank you. I do have a journal, that I def need to look at. He is now saying that he will come pick me up and we will go to Vegas and get married. My parents would kill me! They took me in when I quit my job and left town to get out of that relationship. If I turned around and eloped w/ him they would be sooo upset .But, it's really sounding tempting to me...
Art_Critic Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 We had a really abusive, bad relationship and I even quit my job and moved 9 hours away to get out of it. Keep repeating this to yourself... Also think about how hard it will be to get out of if you elope and go get married.. Abusers don't generally change without getting help that involves lots of time and therapy.. they say they have changed but they don't...
norajane Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I saw in your profile that you are a counselor. I don't know what kind, but if you were counseling someone in your position, what would you tell her? Would you tell her to go back to an abusive relationship?
Art_Critic Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 http://www.grudknows.com/inanemutterings/powerwheel.asp This is a pretty good link to a power and control wheel that can explain some of the things he is doing right now with pushing you to get married.. Control...
Author kaveets Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 Thank you! That site was very helpful and described our pattern perfectly. Ugh1 I hate how he is the sweetest, most intoxicating, person when we break up and then with in a month or two of being back together, he starts to be mean again? I haven't stopped talking to him. I know that I should, because every time I talk to him, I'm one step closer to eloping in Vegas with him. I'm addicted or something. My head truely knows this is soooo stupid and a big mistake, but I can't stop..
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