confidence and independence????HOW???

[raslers]

I always thought I had confidence and independence and I have read a lot about it here at this forum. I initiated NC just recently (see other thread) after finding out about MM having new OOW by accident . I had seen him for 4 years truly thinking I was the only "other" one.

 

I am trying to hold my head up high and know this is the right thing to do. I am ashamed that I ever let myself think being with MM would be the right thing for me to do. I have been to some social functions that he (and W) also attended and this Sunday I know he will be at a wedding I have to attend.

 

I don't feel confident enough to attend these things, but still have because of the friends I am there for. I hate seeing him. I hate knowing I was never enough. I hate that he is smug and acts like nothing bothers him AND I really honestly hate that I was actually betrayed also.

 

If he were to show up at my door tomorrow I don't know what I'd do. That is the truth. It is so hard to go cold turkey, let alone have to go to these picnics, weddings, birthday parties, etc and act like nothing is wrong. He approached me at the birthday party. I walked away. It was so hard to do. We live in a fairly small town with mutual friends, so it is ineveitable that we run into each other from time to time.

 

When will I feel confident? I know I must be somewhat independent because I am getting on with things. I am attending things and not hiding out, but I hate how my stomach aches and I get chest pains (anxiety I"m sure). I feel alone.

 

I have done the right thing. I am no longer the OW. I should feel good about that. I don't. I feel sad. I have lost someone so dear to me. I thought I was something to him. He works with this new gal. He sees her everyday. His wife is actually worried about her (lots of people wonder if something is going on between them from what I hear). He must be loosing his touch if he's arousing her suspicions, but I know how she feels now. It's not a good feeling.

 

I just needed to share that. Thanks

[GreenEyedLady]

You are a very strong woman...

 

It has nothing to do with not being enough...

 

Do you really have to go to these functions? I think it is too much to ask...Better to go when you are confident in your choice and feeling better about yourself...won't your friends understand?

 

And I am truly sorry for your loss...

 

(((HUGS)))

[raslers]

:bunny:The birthday I could've skipped, but the picnic was a fundraising function that I was a major part of. The wedding I must go to, BUT I can leave and skip the reception.

 

I think you are right that until I feel confident and know inside that I am ok I will have to pick and choose what social stuff I decide to go to.

 

thanks for the hugs. They are so needed.

[9Lives]

:bunny:The birthday I could've skipped, but the picnic was a fundraising function that I was a major part of. The wedding I must go to, BUT I can leave and skip the reception.

 

I think you are right that until I feel confident and know inside that I am ok I will have to pick and choose what social stuff I decide to go to.

 

thanks for the hugs. They are so needed.

 

I would not go to ANY functions he is going to attend at this time until you are truly ready. I made that mistake and had a total meltdown. We are both part of this group and i had to cancel going the last time cause I wasnt ready to deal with it. I will mostly like cancel again next time. I just dont want to see him. It is too much for me. Especially when they act like everything is everything and you are sitting there feeling like crap. Men are good at that.

[raslers]

I would not go to ANY functions he is going to attend at this time until you are truly ready. I made that mistake and had a total meltdown. We are both part of this group and i had to cancel going the last time cause I wasnt ready to deal with it. I will mostly like cancel again next time. I just dont want to see him. It is too much for me. Especially when they act like everything is everything and you are sitting there feeling like crap. Men are good at that.

 

 

You are right. I think my friends would understand too. Of course I can't tell them the real reason I can't attend, but I will come up with something.

 

I wish I felt like I did before I ever got hooked up with this guy. I was confident, I didn't "need" to feel love (or maybe I did-I did end up with hime for some reason), I didn't let my whole life hang on whether a man could make the time to see me. What the hell happened? I

fell for the crap hook, line, and sinker.

 

I want myself back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How could I give it up to someone else???

[OpenBook]

I always thought I had confidence and independence... I am trying to hold my head up high and know this is the right thing to do... When will I feel confident?... I have done the right thing. I am no longer the OW. I should feel good about that...

 

I for one am quite proud of you! Doing the right thing is sometimes the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. But YOU DID IT. Good Karma! You will be rewarded for it.

 

You ARE confident and independent. Don't let anyone make you doubt that. If it's obvious to me (a complete stranger on a public forum), it should certainly be obvious to you as well as the people around you.

 

And there's some admiration coming from here too -- you're a better woman than I was. It took me two YEARS to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with my life. You're doing this almost right away.

 

I want myself back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You've already got her. Just give her some time. She is one smart cookie -- she'll figure it out.

 

From my own personal experience, I found two things that helped me through it more than anything else:

 

(1) Do what you love.

(2) Lean on your girlfriends.

 

Onward and upward!! There are better days coming your way.

[raslers]

And there's some admiration coming from here too -- you're a better woman than I was. It took me two YEARS to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with my life. You're doing this almost right away.

 

 

 

You've already got her. Just give her some time. She is one smart cookie -- she'll figure it out.

 

From my own personal experience, I found two things that helped me through it more than anything else:

 

(1) Do what you love.

(2) Lean on your girlfriends.

 

Onward and upward!! There are better days coming your way.

 

 

 

You brought tears to my eyes Open Book. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I love your ideas to get through it.

I will do what I love. I love working out AND I will do it at 1pm. That is his lunch. I sit during that time and dwell on the fact that he's not hanging with me (how pathetic now that I read what I've been doing-lol). It's better to be busy during that time and know I'm doing something for ME-NOT someone else (him).

I have wonderful girlfriends. Non of them know about him, but I know they will enjoy the additional time with me. I need to plan some girl parties at my house I guess.

 

I am ready for these better days. I am looking forward to the day where this is a distant thought (I know it takes time-I will try to be patient).

 

Thank you so much. I am so grateful for your support.

[OpenBook]

You brought tears to my eyes Open Book. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement... I have wonderful girlfriends. Non of them know about him... I am looking forward to the day where this is a distant thought (I know it takes time-I will try to be patient).

 

Hey, no problem. I didn't tell my GF's either. It happened almost 20 years ago... and I just recently "came clean" with one of my GF's just a few weeks ago. She said she always wondered why I never talked to her about it (agh, she KNEW!!). She had no clue how important her friendship was to me at the time (but she does now!!)... and I never forgot that lesson.

 

As far as the MM goes, he got "demoted" into the Distant Thought category about a year after I decided to get my act together. It just takes time.

[raslers]

I can't wait for that time to come for me.

[9Lives]

Hey, no problem. I didn't tell my GF's either. It happened almost 20 years ago... and I just recently "came clean" with one of my GF's just a few weeks ago. She said she always wondered why I never talked to her about it (agh, she KNEW!!). She had no clue how important her friendship was to me at the time (but she does now!!)... and I never forgot that lesson.

 

As far as the MM goes, he got "demoted" into the Distant Thought category about a year after I decided to get my act together. It just takes time.

 

Demoted huh...I never thought I would have to demote him cause I love him so much. sigh

[raslers]

Ok Open Book, I caved. After all this hard work and dealing with NC with pain wondering when it would go away he approached me and I gave in. He actually came to my house the day before the wedding I talked about earlier. What balls!!!! But it was like I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying no. What kind of freak am I?!? I mean really-why do I give a sh*t about his feelings? I have a lot of work to do on ME!!!!

 

You want to know something funny? It didn't feel the same to me as it used to. I didn't feel the old fluttery heart. I knew it wasn't real. I could feel it in my heart. To him I am, as any woman is, just a fling to him.

 

It truly reminds me of being "with" my ex-husband when I was no longer turned on by him. I guess that means I'm moving on. It's a weird feeling. I will still hurt I bet, but today it didn't seem to bother me as much to not be in contact with him. I even left my cell phone home for part of the day while I ran errands.

 

I feel numb. It's a weird feeling. I will be okay I know it. I certainly don't want sex to feel like that ever again. How lame (for me not him-lol). It was like going through the motions. Haven't been through that since being married and I don't want to go there again.

 

Maybe that's what I needed to know it was over. I don't know, but I wanted to share my experience. I know some of you will be disappointed, but I still appreciate your support more than you know.

 

[OpenBook]

Ok Open Book, I caved. After all this hard work and dealing with NC with pain wondering when it would go away he approached me and I gave in. He actually came to my house the day before the wedding I talked about earlier. What balls!!!! But it was like I didn't want to hurt his feelings by saying no. What kind of freak am I?!? I mean really-why do I give a sh*t about his feelings? I have a lot of work to do on ME!!!!

 

OK, so you caved. So what? You are not pursuing him -- he is pursuing YOU. And you showed kindness to someone who has not shown the same to you. Look at it as a mercy f*ck.

 

You want to know something funny? It didn't feel the same to me as it used to. I didn't feel the old fluttery heart. I knew it wasn't real. I could feel it in my heart. To him I am, as any woman is, just a fling to him.

 

This alone is reason to rejoice. Not just the fact that things have changed in your heart - but that YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION to it. You're not pathetically hanging on to something that's dead. Nor are you inclined to continue enabling the fickle impulses of a wretched soul. Who KNOWS what he's thinking about you, or any woman. And what does it really matter??

 

It truly reminds me of being "with" my ex-husband when I was no longer turned on by him... I certainly don't want sex to feel like that ever again... It was like going through the motions... Maybe that's what I needed to know it was over.

 

Yeah, that was your heart telling you, "WHO NEEDS IT?!??" You don't have time. Next time he shows up or otherwise contacts you -- be kind, but indifferent, and refuse to engage in his mind-games and power-plays. You're BUSY.

[OpenBook]

Demoted huh...I never thought I would have to demote him cause I love him so much. sigh

 

Yes 9Lives, you loved him well, and he proved to be unworthy of that love. Too bad for him.

[lovernotafighter]

yes, just be glad that you have the capsity that your MM does not and find someone who has that sort of deepth, it's only love worth having any way.

[raslers]

Thank you for your kind words. Today is a new day. I have worked out. I have my daughter hanging with me (it's her dad's week) while her dad is working. It is supposed to be 80 degrees here in Alaska and that is weather to take advantage of. We are going to the beach I think.

 

I got an e mail from MM. I chose not to respond. He wonders how I am doing. I don't care to answer right now. I think his contact with me is partially damage control so I don't tell about the OOW. I don't care anymore (ok, yes I do, but I know what I don't want and I don't want this). I won't tell because I am better than that and not in high school- lol.

 

I am going to start writing. I think it's good for me to express myself. I am rejoicing actually that I am strong enough to know that this man was never the right thing for me and now that I know that I can can continue. I don't need someone like that in my life.

 

I plan to be excessively busy OB-lol. If we are in the same room, which could still happen from time to time, I will be polite, but know deep down I am in a better place by not being with him.

 

I know returning to work will help me move on too. I have been off for a while do to a work injury. They aren't sure when I will be ready to return, but the sooner the better in my book. Too much time to think and dwell. I just need to use that time to think about myself for once I guess.

 

Hugs to you all and thanks for your kind words.

[raslers]

Something interesting happened to me today. I ran into OOW today (small town-remember). Usually I avoid or brush her off, but today I chose to talk with her. I told her how sorry I am that I have treated her poorly. I told her what she does is really none of my business. I also told her that she, like me is a victim of this man that knows how to play women looking for the attention we have sought out. We talked for a bit. It brought her relief. She is very alone. I know that feeling. She told me MM has talked about me to her and we both concluded that has probably said what would keep him in the clear with each of us. It was a good conversation. If she chooses to continue the A with him it is her choice, but I know she is thinking some thoughts we have all had being the OW. I brought tears to her eyes when I told her that her happiness should be 1st and foremost. She hasn't been happy in a very long time and the A isn't helping. I know that feeling all too well.

 

I don't know if I did the right thing, but today is one of my most confident feeling days since trying to end this A. I think it is cause I am finally thinking about myself a little. I can't hold this grudge against someone who is clearly walking in my shoes and been where I've been (at least a little). She is no different than me, so I can only move on and work on myself. I think I did that today. She is a nice person. She deserves better. I hope she figures that out.

 

As for MM. I'm not checking e mails constantly or looking at my phone. I think that 's a good thing. Today also helped me realize that in most (not all) A someone does the talking and someone falls for all the bull sh&t. I fell hard, but I am slowly picking myself up. 4 years is a long time to be falling for the Bull sh$t, but I have so many great years ahead of me.

I imagine OOW told him about our talk. I imagine he is squirming a bit. GOOD!!! I don't know if I did the right thing, but today is the best I have felt in a very long time. It must have been right in some way.

 

Hugs to you all!!!

[Hoping For the Best]

I know its hard to believe when you are at the bottom, but never let yourself feel like you weren't good enough.

 

Surely you've seen women who have all the money, shoes, cars in the world and are still bitchy and unsatisfied. You look at those women and would KILL to have what they have. Men are like that too. Some will never be satisfied and some would KILL to have you. Find one that would kill for you.

 

Someday you'll be sorry

that you let me go.

Someday you will see me

and the regrets you'll have will grow.

 

Someday I'll be beautiful

and happy on my own.

Someday I'll be rich

and never be alone.

 

Someday you'll be sorry.

"Forgive me" you will say.

And when that someday comes,

I will laugh and walk away.

[raslers]

I went to my son's football game yesterday. MM and W showed up to watch a friend's son play too. Just my luck. I went to concession stand and when I headed back to the stands MM was headed to the concession stand. He tried to make a comment (sexual). I didn't take the bait. Once again, I didn't get that fluttery heart feeling. Being away from him still hurts and it was hard to see him, but I know deep down that this is over. If it wasn't me it would be someone else (duh, it already is-lol). I hate that he did that. I don't want to be one of those women that MM comes sniffing back around to when they decided they need them again. I am afraid of that. I don't want to even experience something like that. Some might think it would be great to turn him away and feel that sense of empowerment. I tend to feel guilt for speaking my mind and I know I would feel bad for putting him in his place-AND I am not interested giving him any mercy f*%cs-lol (see earlier in this thread).

 

I've made it one more day. I can do this!!!

[OpenBook]

I don't want to be one of those women that MM comes sniffing back around to when they decided they need them again. I am afraid of that. I don't want to even experience something like that. Some might think it would be great to turn him away and feel that sense of empowerment. I tend to feel guilt for speaking my mind and I know I would feel bad for putting him in his place-AND I am not interested giving him any mercy f*%cs-lol (see earlier in this thread).

 

Yes, indifference is the best revenge - AND his worst nightmare. It would mean that he is insignificant. And that just CAN'T BE.

 

Way to go on your progress back to life!! I knew you could do it.