Broncfan56 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 My wife says she doesnt know if she wants to be with me anymore. we have only been married 6 months!!! i knew before i married her that she had had previous commitment issues. every time things start to look down she has run from the relationship, and now she is doing it with our marrage. she is completely locked up. she will not express her feelings to me in any way, although i know she has alot to say... she is my wife. she says that she needs some space and time away to think, so i have decided that it is best that she stay where she is safe and i be the one to leave for a week or two, but i just cant help feeling that i need to be with my wife and try to get her to open up to me, to communicate with me in any way. her mother has told me that she has said that she is afraid that i am going to turn out like her father adn be on and off with jobs alot, but that is not me. i hold jobs for years, just the last two havent really worked and i have gone through them quickly (no one is going to short my checks every week). i start a new one on in a couple days adn it will be plenty reliable. i have tried to express this to her but she doesnt seem to want to listen, adn like i said she just wont open up to me adn tell me what she is feeling. i dont know what to do. i dont know why she is ready to through everything away so easily. please help. i cannot lose her.
jdp1955 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 does she have a boyfriend that is pulling her chain?? need to find out..for your sanity...
tinke Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 i would not count on the jobs being the issue, there must be something more. i can understand your puzzlement, did she EVER communicate her feelings to you? as painful as it may be, it might be a good idea to ask her if there is someone else. 6 mo. is hardly an effort. i'm sorry you are faced with this, i would bet this is a pattern with her, run, run. my ex was the same, and left (ran) after 10 yrs. always running and it was always me putting it back together. i believe some people are just able to do this with no remorse, in fact, many do not take responsibility for the hurt caused. quite honestly, don't beat yourself up...this is her issue. i would bet it will continue. if she is unable to communicate her feelings..running from situations is probably her comfort zone. try to give her space, but i would want to know straight up if there is someone, something else pulling her away. take care of yourself.
Author Broncfan56 Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 no that much i do know. it isnt that, it is more we have been argueing over the same things for some time now: she wants tospend more time together and it is really impossible. we are both very busy we r going to school adn working alot trying to get ourself established. we are very young adn very busy trying to juggle many things. since we started this argueing we hav both taken turns "running" from the situation, as we call it. i have realized that this is solving nothing. i want to sit down adn talk about it adn get everything in the open, but right now she says she just needs to have space to think. i just cant help but feeling that giving her this space is not what needs to be done, but i jsut can not get her to open up.
Author Broncfan56 Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 yes you are right it is a pattern with her she always does run adn until she met me she has alwasy been afraid of commitment. when she starts to feel like things are in any way wrong she locks up adn then trys to run. 6 months is not an effort at all. this is the first "hard time" our marrage has bee through adn she is thinking that she is ready to quit. i guess what i am feeling is that if i could just get her to share herself with me things would be alot better. i may be completely wrong but i think that is what we need adn she is just not willing to do that adn i know i cant make her, it is her choice, but we need it so bad. i think you are right i am going to give her her space, it just feels wrong to me. she is my wife adn leaving (although i am a phonecall away) just doesnt seem right to me but i dont know what to do other than give her what she is asking for. my heart is breaking
Psch1968 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Stay the course. It sounds like you and me are at the same stage - see my seperate thread. I'm on day 8 since she dropped the bombshell, this is the women of my dreams, and I screwed it up big time with emotional abuse that I have only now understood. I did the same you are thinking of doing - I left the house as she asked (I arrived in Europe tonite from US and am here in a hotel for 2 weeks) because thats what you need to do. There are a range of opinions on this site and you'll likely hear them all, but in my view after spending 8 days opening up to a lot of people and listening to a lot of advice, if she wants space the very best thing you can do if you want to maximise the chance (even if it is small) that she may want to continue, is to give her that. And why you are at it - dont call, dont text, dont email, dont visit (look at me - got as far away as possible so as to force myself to comply), dont send her gifts, etc - just wait by the phone, and give her time. You are I are in the same boat - keep posting, look after yourself, and remember that its not over till its over, no matter how bad it may seem. Dont give up.
PWSX3 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 First off sorry to hear you are having to go thru this, I know it can't be easy no matter how long you have been married. Have you asked her to go to counseling with you? Maybe if you went to counseling they could help direct her in opening up or at least get you both communicating. Off subject I hope your name doesn't mean what I think it does, A Bronco fan? :lmao:
Author Broncfan56 Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 thanks for all the advice. i am am going to go spend a week or to at a friends and only come home to take care of things when she is gone. i think it is beest that i am close, although it will make it that much harder not to speak to her. i have showered her with letters adn texts and phone calls adn little notes everywhere but i think you are right it is time for me to give her space. and yes it does sound alot alike. i just didnt realize all the emotional abuse i was putting her through. it was rediculus looking back, it is just not me i would never do that, but i did adn i realize that now adn i am going to have to live with it. she has told me she loves me adn not jsut in resoponce to the countless time i have told her in the past few days (most of the time i dont get a responce) she has also told me on her own accord out of nowhere, adn this is why i know that there is a chance. the counciling i have heard before and i think that there is something to it. do you think that a shrink can get her to open up to me? i mean i have had previous encounters (nothing to do with a marrage/relationship... over sudden loss) and i just dont realy trust them although i do my best. thanks again everyone for the support, keep it coming i need it. and yes im a Bronco fan!
PWSX3 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 thanks again everyone for the support, keep it coming i need it. and yes im a Bronco fan! I'm really sorry to hear you are a Bronco's fan. :lmao::lmao: I feel if you see a MC that it is someone that you have to be comfortable with. It needs to be someone you are welling to open up to & maybe the one you have seen wasn't a good one I don't know. We go to a gal in Ft. Collins & she has been very good, to me she is down to earth & talks my kind of language. If your W is like mine I have learned my W doesn't like to listen to me but she would listen to the MC even when she would tell her the same thing I did. If your W has ran from other relationships there might be more to it then just your relationship & that is something she might need to work out on her own, but trying to tell someone they need to see a shrink is a touchy subject. I wish you the best
Gunny376 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 First off your living life way too fast and way too hard ~ you need to pull back and re-group! Work, go to school. be married, live the American Dream. With a freaking pressure cooker like this? Something got to give ~ some damn where! Its only a question of time, before something starts to go! Granted, I'M FINALLY living the American Dream ~ but I'm here to tell you there was a lot of blood, sweat, and tears over the last thrity years! There were a lot of bologna sandwiches, and Spam and eggs breakfasts! You're trying to get where I'm at ~ and it took me thirty years to get here! Next ~ you DW has "commitment issues" That was my XW, whenever things got rough, times got hard ~ she bailed! She simply was a non-hacker. Me? I'm "to the bone" kind of guy! A "ride this bitch to the ground and bitter end" type guy. A "last act of defiance" type! I'm the mouse that "flips" the eagle off ~ just before he/she swoops down upon me with their talons kind of person! If I were you? I wouldn't be moving! (I hate moving household effects) I'd be telling this little gal ~ "Either we're married ~ or we ain't" IN for a penny, in for a pound! "Get in, hang on, and shut up!" Your azz can't tote the note ~ I'll find someone who can! Just that damn plain and simple! Just that easy!
Author Broncfan56 Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 thanks again everybody. i just got done talking to her, we finally talk adn she did open up a little. i am not leaving, like i said i just feel that it is the wrong way to go adn i cant bring myself to do it. i know it is the wrong move so i am not going to do it. she agrees with me that we can stay in the same house adn she can still have her space. i have promised her that our talks from now on... for 2 weeks... are to consist of "how was your day kind of stuff" only. i think the fact that i am not leaving is good, and i did express exactly what i am feeling to her adn she did sit there adn give a little info back. but now at least she knows how i feel on the subject. i was very gentle, but i told her how i thought she had commitment issues, adn how ever time things got a little rough she takes off like a bat out of hell, adn how i just dont understand how she could let everything go so easily, as well as everything else and more that i have expressed throughout this forum. it was quite a lengthy convo on my part but in the end i think we both got what we wanted, she gets her "space" adn i get to stay close to her, where i know i need to be. these 2 weeks are going to really suck not being able to really hang talk about what needs to be talked about, but i want to give her what she wants. there is one thing that i really dont understand though. the other day as she left i hear her tell me she loves me in a soft voice as she was leaving. i smiled and told her that i loved her too adn off to work she went adn i had no worries that we would be ok becasue she still knew she loved me. tonight at the end ouf our conversation i asked her if she still loved me. i dont know if this was the right thing to do, but it is already done. she told me "somewhere deep inside" she did but that she was trying to figure that out for herself. i am so lost what does this mean? i am going to ride out the two weekd, there is nothing else i can do. after that i guess i will see what her thougths are adn see if MC is the best way to go or if we can work this out ourselves.
Melovator Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Don't just ride out the next two weeks start thinking about what you do and do not want to be doing with your life. I really urge individual counselling because if she's not working willing to work on her problems, on your relationship problems, then you owe it to yourself to think about your problems and work on them. You might be a really well adjusted person other than all this crap, but have you got anyone you can talk to about all of this? LS is great, but its not the same as having human contact and there are professionals whose job it is to listen to you and help you explore your mental life, if you break a leg- you seek a doctor,if you get sued- you seek a lawyer, when you are a human in pain there are other humans out there whose job, and hopefully skill and talent is in helping you to ease that pain. Don't sit in a holding pattern, you are then allowing her to set the agenda for your life- sure its only two weeks you say! But that's two weeks of your life- what if you get hit by a bus in a month?
sumdude Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Just some stuff to think about. Sounds like there is hope in your case. You can't make someone want to be with you and love you. You cannot convince them... You cannot buy, beg or otherwise create that feeling. You can only be the person they want to be with by thier own decision. Act like the person she fell in love with. Promises are just words, only actions speak at the right level. Begging, pleading, buying gifts, constanly barraging them with I love you's and do you love me's actually push them away because it's too much pressure and responsibility to be in control if someone else's happiness. Be happy with yourself and by yourself and notice how that will spread. Bringing up the relationship all the time creates pressure ... you don't want to pressure someone who is on the fence. When the time comes ... Gunny is right it's 100% from both of you or it will eventually fall apart anyway. Stay patient...for now. At some point you may need to lay it down. Oh yeah and one more thing .... the person who is less 'into' the relationship always has control of it... tough one to understand or use but usually true. So pull away a bit, hang back and see what happens.
Author Broncfan56 Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 ok i think you to are right. in this situation i am always going to be around when she is (with work, school ect.) and she will be able to see my bavior adn my actions all the time. so i am going to pull away. i am going to just talk to her like she is another person, with "good mornings" and "how was your day", things like that. i guess i do need to make myself happy first and formost. maybe when she sees this she will be more inclined to come back, i can only hope. like you said i cannot make her feel for me, no matter how much i love and care about her. i do believe that there is hope. maybe these two weeks are a good thing. i think that i will use them to get few things on track in my life. i just dont want it to seem like i am being cold to her by not being interested in her, but she did ask for this so that is how it is going to be i guess. after the 2 weeks i do think that i may try to get her to go to MC with me, but like i said before, i just feel like this is something that we need to work oiut together, but if a shrink can get her to open up, and get her to realize why she is always running, maybe it is worth a shot. so i guess my feelings are temporarily pushed to the side for now, and i take care of myself for now and let her do the same.
Mr Green Jeans Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Broncofan I am in a similar situation but been married 7 yrs. Wife says condesending talk & lack of communication has made her "fall out of love" with me. . She wants to live in the heart of the city & find "herself". I am giving her space & see where it ends up. G/L Bro...
Author Broncfan56 Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 thank you sounds just like me, but she has fallen out of love yet... i dont think. thank you for the support adn i wish you the best of luck as well.
sumdude Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Just be fully prepared for this to be the end of it. Not saying that it is ... but prepare yourself for that possibility.
Author Broncfan56 Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 i know i am trying. i just dont understand how she can take of so easily after so little. but i am trying.
sumdude Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 i know i am trying. i just dont understand how she can take of so easily after so little. but i am trying. And you never really will.... trying to make sense of it will drive you bonkers. The challenge is to stop going round n' round in head about what, when, why of it all. If you find you made mistakes then you did, it's done and you learn from them. Learning to let it go is one of the hardest parts.
Gunny376 Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 And you never really will.... trying to make sense of it will drive you bonkers. The challenge is to stop going round n' round in head about what, when, why of it all. If you find you made mistakes then you did, it's done and you learn from them. Learning to let it go is one of the hardest parts. You could have a PhD in why marriages fail, and still not understand why yours failed! Rule No.# 1
Author Broncfan56 Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 so here is what has been going on. during the first day of her "space" she was at work most of the day becasue she pulled a double shift. since i dont start work until friday, i was sitting around not doing much, so i decided to write. adn i wrote alot, off and on through the day. i wrote all of my major thoughts down, harsh adn tender. at the end of the day when i way done with this i wrote her an extensive letter explaining how i felt, adn what i thought we should do. (alot of my inspiration came from these forums) i had not intended for her to read anything but the letter, and i was not going to give her that until after i had given her her space. however, when she came home she asked what i had done and i told her that i had really spent the day writing, among other things. she asked about what and i said just everything that i am feeling ect. she then asked to read it all. i was a little nervous about some of the thoughts that i had written down, but i agreed. when she was done nothing was said. that was yesterday. sotoday when she got home from work we sat down adn watched a movie, and shared a late night snack. (i guessed at this time that she didnt really want space because she was wanting to know what was going through my head, adn wanting to watch movies) when it was over we went upstairs and i tucked her in adn she asked what had happened with a friend of mine i had talked to that day (he adn i had a heated argument i started because of his attitude/actions tward me lately). i told her that we talked adn that i feel in some ways that i am outgrowing him, but that i was still not sure what to do. at this time she said, "i am sorry baby but i am really tired. i would like to talk some more but i need to get some sleep... thank you for opening up to me." i told her "always" and as i got up to leave (i am kicked out to the spare room) she said "i love you." my heart leapt. this is the first time i have heard these words in quite a while. the only thing that i am worried about is that she may not have left this cycle of running as soon as things take a turn for the worse. is this something that i should wait adn see, or something that i should address as things start to get better?
Author Broncfan56 Posted August 13, 2007 Author Posted August 13, 2007 another thing, i am confused about the space thing. i mean she wanted me to completely leave the house, but this felt wrong so i presented another plan where we both stay at the house, adn i just let her be, but it only lasted 1 day, instead of the 2 weeks she had asked for. any thoughts on this?
Cobra_X30 Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Hmmm.... is there a possibility that she just wants you to stop smothering her with the "I love you's", with notes and crap? Ive found that there is a time when talk just wears thin. Instead doing things like, cleaning the house, taking care of yourself physically, waking up early and cooking her breakfast, start to mean so much more. Oh, and dont do any one thing too much. Women are crazy like that. You take out the garbage every single day, and she starts to EXPECT that from you. Instead of bieng grateful for the effort you put in she just expects it from you. BTW, Gunny totally has it right... In marriage your either IN or OUT. If she isnt willing to sit down and work to make things right... Get some size 16 boots!
Gunny376 Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 Hmmm.... is there a possibility that she just wants you to stop smothering her with the "I love you's", with notes and crap? Ive found that there is a time when talk just wears thin. Instead doing things like, cleaning the house, taking care of yourself physically, waking up early and cooking her breakfast, start to mean so much more. Oh, and dont do any one thing too much. Women are crazy like that. You take out the garbage every single day, and she starts to EXPECT that from you. Instead of bieng grateful for the effort you put in she just expects it from you. BTW, Gunny totally has it right... In marriage your either IN or OUT. If she isnt willing to sit down and work to make things right... Get some size 16 boots! Yes Cobra, it is necessary to be domesticated and to help around the house, but per this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127248/ Its clear that what's needed is balance.
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