tinke Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 allidy i truly admire your strength and good sense to look out for yourself. i agree with what you are saying about the pain caused and his non-chalant attitude. not..the i'm sorry, i feel horrible for what i've put you through, etc. and yes, we have similar break-ups, and truly from my experiences, mine DID do it again and again!!!!! each time with less remorse, and always suddenly..and there was frequently another woman in the picture soon. he coped by running from issues. i'm not happy again, so i will run to someone new who i will be happy with!!! i can understand the pain you must be feeling, but look at it this way...he realized what he lost, and because of his self-centeredness, ego-minded self, it can never be repaired. that is NOT you fault. particularly, as I, mailed letters, phone calls, never a reply... that is very hard to forgive. the thing is, it is not so much the fact that he left...it is how he did, and the avoidance, and to think nothing of it. these are personality traits that i don't see changing in these people. why wouldn't he do it again if he already hurt you unmercifullly, completely ignored your contacts and pleas, and thinks nothing of calling you now. i know it is hard, but if you are loking for an outsiders opinion....you are thinking clearly and on the right path. you too, deserve someone who will be loyal in return, someone who does care what your feeling. for me, i have learned in life, i am not up to compete with another woman...no desire...it's not even about her. but, i have to say..in my heart of hearts, i know i could never touch him again, be at ease with him again, since he was with another..i've learned too much since. this pain went very deep, as it sounds like yours. i was thinking of you today, wondering what the emotions were. please keep strong...keep YOU at the top of your priority list. be proud of yourself!
Author Aliddy Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 It just shows how caring we are as indivduals..... It would be easy to say I am here laughing thinking " F**K YOU !!!! " But I am not.....................I am thinking, you think I am that stupid, that I believe you have not been back with her for the past two months.....you simply " vanished " ...........when we used to speak at least 3 times a day. And you know Tinke, he has done this before, 2 years ago, we split for 6 months, he was back with her within days............ Yes, I am stronger and wiser, but it is a wisdom born from pain......and a lesson I would rather not of learnt..... Yes I do believe I will meet someone else, but it is far to soon for me............ Suzanne :-)
tinke Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 yes, the lessons learned will help with the next relationship. your sensors will be on and you will know what is acceptable or not much sooner. it shows how you have grown, yet he has remained the same..coming back pretty sure of himself, and with lies!!! i see he has done this before, as mine...and again, no accountability. i would bet in time, it would repeat. honestly, i cannot imagine going through this deep pain again. your feelings now show just how much you have grown and moved on from that space. i know you are feeling poorly, but, look how much you have grown, and have gained your stability. i envy your position right now. i would love to be able to move out of this state of disbelief, hurt. keep strong with your convictions..you sound like a wonderful lady!
Author Aliddy Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 When all this started, we had just some back from the Maldives, a holiday of a lifetime......but he was moody the whole time......I found myself forever saying sorry........I then began to question the relationship......did he sit and talk to me did he F**K he got on a plane and went home............. I wrote, text, emailed......one reply to say it was all my fault etc. etc..... Then 2 months of nothing, 2 months of every day doubting myself, going over and over in my head, what I could of done differently.......and then I received an email from a friend of my and this is what she wrote..... ( she is a therapist ) OK. The reason, I think, he can so coolly treat you this way is because his behaviour is in fact an act. His unhappiness with life means that he is unable to accept any area of his life that could be construed as failure; therefore he passes the blame for any upset (like a relationship break-up) on to someone else. I think he hurts from your relationship failure more than you, but probably in a different way. Whereas you miss being able to care about him and enjoy his company, it’s probable that he misses you caring about him and you enjoying his company. He isn’t ‘cool’ about the current situation, but he wants to hurt you by showing you that it’s like water off a duck’s back to him. Evidence for this? The occasional outbursts of grief and disbelief when YOU have questioned the strength of the relationship, the terrible moods when he isn’t able to create the ‘cocoon’ around him of the ‘doting partner’, the accusations of undermining his self-respect designed to make you feel guilty. Given his mood swings and temper tantrums, do you really thin k that he doesn’t care? And that made some sense of all of this I hope it may for you too Suzanne :-)
funkybassplayer Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 i think your ex and my ex would make a lovely couple, as they have so much in common!! Hope your doing ok honey. x
Author Aliddy Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Yes, I am doing o.k. thanks Funky..... I am still in disbelief at what a liar he is........and his obsessive jealousy HOW DARE HE after what he has done............. I think that it is best that I have NO further contact with him at all, as there truly is nothing he has to say......that I wish to hear.... Hope you are o.k. too...... Suzanne :-)x
Author Aliddy Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Tinke............ Why on earth would I want to write him a letter......???????? I wrote him war and peace, and he told me it was too late..... ( that was 8 days after we broke up ) So as I dont want him back or anything to do with him I dont understand........ Suzanne :-)
tinke Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 makes sense to me what your therapist friend said. in the past, my ex stated he can turn himself to stone to not feel emotions after a break-up. nice, huh? knowing this, doesn't make it easier. he has jumped into another relationship, and has found his "soulmate". i know it is easier said than done, but as an outsider, you seem to have a good handle on this and your emotions. i have learned throughout this to know to trust my instincts, so i say very kindly..my LS friend....do trust your instincts! they are what will guide you.
funkybassplayer Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Yes, I am doing o.k. thanks Funky..... I am still in disbelief at what a liar he is........and his obsessive jealousy HOW DARE HE after what he has done............. I think that it is best that I have NO further contact with him at all, as there truly is nothing he has to say......that I wish to hear.... Hope you are o.k. too...... Suzanne :-)x Yes im good thanks, had a good gig. For some reason, i cant be bothered about my ex tonight! like even the mony i owe her for the bass, if shes not saying nothing to me, then why the hell should i send it! im in that kinda mood! I guess im getting over her, and like you was made to feel guilty, crap about myself and 2nd to her husband! so at the mo im thinking like you, **** em! I have my huge cat on me now keepin me warm, yes im ok. I think that him comming or sniffing around has angred you gratly, and his approch was one of selfishness and only to his concern. If you trully mean that you dont want to talk to him again, then deleat everything, and send him 1 last message, like go find yourself or something like that.
tinke Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 sorry allidy...wrong post..about the letter! NO...DO NOT WRITE ANY LETTERS!
Author Aliddy Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Funky, last night after I told him I was too busy to talk......... I sent him an email........the last lines I have pasted below.... I am now, more than the person I was before, and I am able to deal with the s**t life throws at me,I am a better person and maybe more understanding. So for that ****, it is important, that you know, I thank you for making me the person I am today..................................... So there really is nothing more to say...... Suzanne :-)x Tinke.....I thought it must of been the wrong message
funkybassplayer Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Funky, last night after I told him I was too busy to talk......... I sent him an email........the last lines I have pasted below.... I am now, more than the person I was before, and I am able to deal with the s**t life throws at me,I am a better person and maybe more understanding. So for that ****, it is important, that you know, I thank you for making me the person I am today..................................... So there really is nothing more to say...... Suzanne :-)x Tinke.....I thought it must of been the wronge message you know sometimes, things happen for a reason,and the end of this relationship has made you think about yourself, and realise that you are worth much more than this blip can offer you, and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. My god if some1 took me to the maldives i would be kissing her feet (something i did anyway!) this guy was an ungratful toe rag, and if you and shrecks wife ****ed him off it may make him think about what kind of tosser he really is, but i think he will go out and look for another inocent victim whos looking for love to off load his baggage on to. Well done your a strong woman. x
Author Aliddy Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 You are too kind.......... Thanks Funky :-)x The Maldives were simply amazing......I just went with the wrong person
Ssheena Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Allidy, Did you pay for a lot of the things you did with him? I'm just wondering as I was with someone who didn't have as much money as I do and I really ended up resenting how much he expected me to pay for things. Did you ever have the feeling he was with you for your $$? Are you absolutely 100% sure he was with his x these past few months? I'm glad you are doing better. He sounds like a guy who floats through his life letting others take care of him. Very much a Peter Pan.
Author Aliddy Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Hi there, Yes I paid for EVERYTHING !!!! He had real issues regarding my job and salary etc....Although it really did not concern me, and I didnt resent it. Do I think he was using me ??? NO.......because he bought me an engagement ring that cost a fortune, that he could really not afford. Plus he was forever, saying it was not fair on me etc.... Yes I know for a fact he went back to his ex....... She is nothing like me in ANY way......but she seems to be his rebound....he has been back to her time and time again, and she lets him.......she is 10 years older and quite needy..... However, he refused to talk to me, for two months, the damage has been done I am afraid............
tinke Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 i admire your self-respect!!!! good for you!! how can he possibly think that he can just march back into your life...i would guess from previous experiences. glad to hear you have found yourself... i will continue looking to you for support!!!!!! take care
Tirai Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Aliddy, sometimes we love impossible creatures. Dont blame yourself on loving him, that love was not about him it is about you. It is a blessing, being able to, even if we get hurt sometimes. Like you, i feel sorry for my ex. I dont feel sorry for him loosing my love or anything, because that doesn't matter to him. I feel sorry for him being so damaged. He keeps on hurting people who care for him, and that way he keeps on hurting himself. I can bail out of him, but he cant. I've gone through emotions from rage to missing his presence too. The good stuff was there too, otherwise we wouldn't have loved them -right? But the bad stuff was there too and it was bad enough -right? I think so. I did the dont's. I broke NC, several times. I contacted the other woman. I contacted his "friends". I gathered cold hard facts about his lies and actions. I needed to KNOW instead of guessing and wondering why. I got it and what i learnt was somewhat unbelievable. When i started this "aftermath" i already knew i dont want him back, he is not able to make me happy. This was the right way to go for me. He had been treating me badly in this relationship and if i just walked away and licked my wounds quietly it would have been like taking yet another beating from him and accepting it. No. I had taken a lot of crap from him but i've had enough. So i gave it a fight, i confronted him about the lies and actions and this time i was able to prove it all. I needed him to admit, tell me himself that yes he has done this and that and yes it was a lie and so on and to look into my eyes while doing it. I wonder if those were the first times in this relationship that he was true. That i have to give him a credit for, that he came to talk with me several times. And when i had all the answers i needed, i thanked him and closed. At some point i had started learning about narcissism, a friend of mine pointed this possibility out after our conversations when i was doing reality checks. It was pretty soon suggested here too. I didn't do it to comfort myself by a foolish thought that there has to be something seriously wrong with a person who ****s up a relationship with a jewel like me no, but trying to understand what drives a person into a behaviout like his. There was lot more than i've written here ofcourse. I found a lot of stuff, some sounded like a witch hunt but some had more humane approach in them. I found my ex from these descriptions, and it helped me to understand. I bet this issue has been here over and over again, but here is one of the good stuff i found http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/index.html FBB it is so great to hear you're doing so much better and you kept your course. There was a moment when your words were essential to me. When you talk, you remind me of my brother. A man who has kept belief in me alive all those moments i've doubted if decent men exist Sorry all u guys but yes there has been THAT desperate moments too I thank you for being there, for being you. About stormy seas, there is a saying: "Sometimes it takes a bigh storm to throw all the crap to shore" ps. I am a scandinavian and we dont compliment people without reason so, believe it too.
funkybassplayer Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Aliddy, FBB it is so great to hear you're doing so much better and you kept your course. There was a moment when your words were essential to me. When you talk, you remind me of my brother. A man who has kept belief in me alive all those moments i've doubted if decent men exist Sorry all u guys but yes there has been THAT desperate moments too I thank you for being there, for being you. About stormy seas, there is a saying: "Sometimes it takes a bigh storm to throw all the crap to shore" ps. I am a scandinavian and we dont compliment people without reason so, believe it too. Thank you so much, fi i have helped just one person on here then i thank you, cos its things like this that makes me feel good. Thank you!
Author Aliddy Posted August 12, 2007 Author Posted August 12, 2007 Today, I was chatting to a friend, about the series of events over this weekend. To me it is all perfectly clear.....NOW...... I did love him, without doubt, and for 8 weeks, I longed to be with him and back to how it was....... The realility, when we spoke on Friday night, all he was concerned about was if I was seeing someone else....not how I was.....not how he could do what he did to me.....not why he ignored my pain.... So what " if " I went back to him, how would it be........ I would look on him with apprehension and fear, that this was the person who was able to inflict such pain on me, when all I did was love him. I would not believe a word he said to me.....no amount of " I love you's" would take away the endless doubts in my mind. If ever I did not know, where he was, I would be thinking " is he with her" When I slept with him, I would be thinking, what was it like with her. I would become, an insecure emotional wreck...... You know, I dont want to be like that, that unfortunately, is the cold reality, the damage is irrepairable..... So if any of you, wish and hope for that person to come back to you, remember, the person that left is not the person you will see now....
tinke Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 yes allidy, i have thought the same. i imagined him laying next to me, and i thought..he was with someone else, he turned his back on me, he ignored my pleas, etc. there is no going back to the way it was. to start anew? i still would have to question, as you, when will it happen again? when will he suddenly take off again. very sad! this is something i am coming to terms with. wishing you the best!
tinke Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 funky... by the way....i enjoy reading your replies, too. hearing a male's input puts things in a different perspective. thanks! hope you are well.
funkybassplayer Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Cool, no probs, if its any conserlation tink, my ex left me then went strait to another man, and has just ignored me since, so i do know what it feels like, but remember, they are the ones who cant face who they are, not us, and like you i felt crap and all the rest of it, but you know what, im finding myself again, and this was a huge blow, that helped me learn about myself, and to be honest, now i look at what i was in, a married woman, with the hubby still there, 3 lost kids, and a woman with a truck load of baggage, i should be proud that i never gave up on her, but i also know that my life would not have been the happy family lifem i was looking for, so try to see that for yourself too, that sometimes you really are better off out of it no matter how much you loved that person.
Author Aliddy Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 o.k. so he made contact, and I just was not interested in any more of his lies, he denied he had been with his ex..... Well, in the early hours of Tuesday morning, he went into my Blog, and cut and pasted the entire 8 week entries, since we broke up, and added the most abusive and hurtful comments, all of which were about me and other men WTF !!!....and emailed me 9 emails !!! ( with the cut and pasted blog ) Anyway, he also has re-written history !!! Amazing how his recollection, of our break-up is not at all similar to mine... He is saying he did not respond to contact because he was to hurt...... what a load of s**t........ He was with her, I know for a fact, she has now dumped him, he cant/wont tell me the truth, so it is easier to make me think this was all my fault, and I will forgive him..... He even posted on his profile " single again.....on my own again" this was posted 3 days ago........when he first contacted me......after 8 weeks....of silence. When we split he simply deleted me.....now that is on there.... You know, I wonder sometimes, does he think me completely stupid............ What he is experiencing now....is without doubt....KARMA......
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