NSBR Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 This site has been a great place to realize you are not alone. This is my first post and I hope it gives something for the dumpees out there... I was hit over the head with the ‘I need space’ and ‘not sure if I love you or if we love each other’ moment about 6 months ago by my wife of 16 years (w/2 kids). Needless to say, I was devastated, a wreck, and pretty much felt total despair. I spent the first 3 months in an array of emotions and mainly just got really down on myself. I shouldered a lot of the blame on myself and looked deep inside to see where I was failing as a husband. I actually think I’m a pretty decent husband (we can all do better), but just let things kind of remain flat for a while and focused too much on the kids and their events while not giving my wife enough time for just us. During those initial months, I also went down the panic path of wondering if she had someone else in her life (right now, I am actually at peace no matter what). It seemed that everything was pointing to me as the focal point of her anger and disappointment and we spiraled down into a world of hardly touching each other and struggling to get through conversations. After about 3 months of this, I began to realize some things... Why did I still want to be married to this person that just doesn’t have ‘it’ (respect, love, affection, attraction, insert your definition here) for me anymore? After all, in marriages we all deserve someone who has ‘it’ for us to reciprocate the ‘it’ we have for them. If she doesn’t have ‘it’, then she just doesn’t. Period. I can’t force her to have it, beg her to have it, or talk her into having it. I then asked myself the next natural question, which was why do I still have ‘it’ for her when she doesn’t have ‘it’ for me? I thought back to when you really liked a pretty girl in school, but you knew she would have nothing to do with you, so you made peace with your emotions and hormones and moved on. The pretty girl didn’t have ‘it’ for me back then, so I pulled ‘it’ back from her. Moving to today, why now bother to waste my ‘it’ on someone who simply doesn’t have ‘it’ for me now? I decided to let go of my pain by deciding that my wife doesn’t deserve ‘it’ from me when she is in this state of mind and has such negativity towards me. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to go out and find someone to fill her place. I really don’t even think about that. I honestly believe that by turning things back on her, in a non-mean way, I have actually begun to steer us back on a path that puts us on more of an even plane. She is a really great person and we get along very very well and I can see a future for her where we could still be married and happy as clams, or still be happy as clams and not married. I won’t give ‘it’ back to her, however, until she feels ‘it’ for me in return. Ladies/Gentlemen: if you are the ‘dumpee’, you deserve happiness and you deserve someone who has ‘it’ for you. Don’t allow yourself to continue to feel ‘it’ for someone who flat doesn’t feel that way about you in return! If they have lost that loving feeling, it’s probably gone. If you have reconciled (not starting to or trying to, but really far along in reconciling), then you can bring ‘it’ back out because you will naturally begin to have those warm fuzzies all over again. However, don’t bring ‘it’ out until you are well on your way back to reconciling. As for me, this mindset has allowed me to initiate a separation that she has been hinting about for but just can’t quite bring herself to do. I am the one asking for it now, and I am doing this for me and I am doing this for her. I will contact her if I want and she can do the same, but don’t look for me to play the holdout game or other head games. I will simply not allow myself to let ‘it’ come out for her until I feel she is truly looking to reconcile and first showing ‘it’ for me. If she just can’t feel ‘it’ for me when this is all over, I’ve protected myself from further emotional heartbreak. I love my wife and always will, don’t get me wrong. I think I have a long road to ride still and it is NOT easy to just completely check your emotions at the door. There are 16 years of marriage and kids at stake, so emotions are very much in play. However, to get through each day and allow myself to sleep at night, I cannot let myself feel ‘it’ for her right now. ‘It’ causes you to say things and do things that will only drive the other person further away. I honestly want my wife to find that happiness she is looking for. A happy wife makes for a happy mother and that is what our kids need. If she finds that happiness and peace without me, I am fine with that. I think we can have a really great friendship and relationship if we are married or not married. It has taken me 5 months to get to this point, but by letting go of ‘it’ I am getting stronger. Remember: ‘it’ is a two way street and you will go crazy if only one person feels ‘it’. Love survives by meeting two criteria: loving someone, and being loved in return. We all deserve to give ‘it’ and receive ‘it’, but not waste ‘it’!
Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 This site has been a great place to realize you are not alone. This is my first post and I hope it gives something for the dumpees out there... I was hit over the head with the ‘I need space’ and ‘not sure if I love you or if we love each other’ moment about 6 months ago by my wife of 16 years (w/2 kids). Needless to say, I was devastated, a wreck, and pretty much felt total despair. I spent the first 3 months in an array of emotions and mainly just got really down on myself. I shouldered a lot of the blame on myself and looked deep inside to see where I was failing as a husband. I actually think I’m a pretty decent husband (we can all do better), but just let things kind of remain flat for a while and focused too much on the kids and their events while not giving my wife enough time for just us. During those initial months, I also went down the panic path of wondering if she had someone else in her life (right now, I am actually at peace no matter what). It seemed that everything was pointing to me as the focal point of her anger and disappointment and we spiraled down into a world of hardly touching each other and struggling to get through conversations. After about 3 months of this, I began to realize some things... Why did I still want to be married to this person that just doesn’t have ‘it’ (respect, love, affection, attraction, insert your definition here) for me anymore? After all, in marriages we all deserve someone who has ‘it’ for us to reciprocate the ‘it’ we have for them. If she doesn’t have ‘it’, then she just doesn’t. Period. I can’t force her to have it, beg her to have it, or talk her into having it. I then asked myself the next natural question, which was why do I still have ‘it’ for her when she doesn’t have ‘it’ for me? I thought back to when you really liked a pretty girl in school, but you knew she would have nothing to do with you, so you made peace with your emotions and hormones and moved on. The pretty girl didn’t have ‘it’ for me back then, so I pulled ‘it’ back from her. Moving to today, why now bother to waste my ‘it’ on someone who simply doesn’t have ‘it’ for me now? I decided to let go of my pain by deciding that my wife doesn’t deserve ‘it’ from me when she is in this state of mind and has such negativity towards me. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to go out and find someone to fill her place. I really don’t even think about that. I honestly believe that by turning things back on her, in a non-mean way, I have actually begun to steer us back on a path that puts us on more of an even plane. She is a really great person and we get along very very well and I can see a future for her where we could still be married and happy as clams, or still be happy as clams and not married. I won’t give ‘it’ back to her, however, until she feels ‘it’ for me in return. Ladies/Gentlemen: if you are the ‘dumpee’, you deserve happiness and you deserve someone who has ‘it’ for you. Don’t allow yourself to continue to feel ‘it’ for someone who flat doesn’t feel that way about you in return! If they have lost that loving feeling, it’s probably gone. If you have reconciled (not starting to or trying to, but really far along in reconciling), then you can bring ‘it’ back out because you will naturally begin to have those warm fuzzies all over again. However, don’t bring ‘it’ out until you are well on your way back to reconciling. As for me, this mindset has allowed me to initiate a separation that she has been hinting about for but just can’t quite bring herself to do. I am the one asking for it now, and I am doing this for me and I am doing this for her. I will contact her if I want and she can do the same, but don’t look for me to play the holdout game or other head games. I will simply not allow myself to let ‘it’ come out for her until I feel she is truly looking to reconcile and first showing ‘it’ for me. If she just can’t feel ‘it’ for me when this is all over, I’ve protected myself from further emotional heartbreak. I love my wife and always will, don’t get me wrong. I think I have a long road to ride still and it is NOT easy to just completely check your emotions at the door. There are 16 years of marriage and kids at stake, so emotions are very much in play. However, to get through each day and allow myself to sleep at night, I cannot let myself feel ‘it’ for her right now. ‘It’ causes you to say things and do things that will only drive the other person further away. I honestly want my wife to find that happiness she is looking for. A happy wife makes for a happy mother and that is what our kids need. If she finds that happiness and peace without me, I am fine with that. I think we can have a really great friendship and relationship if we are married or not married. It has taken me 5 months to get to this point, but by letting go of ‘it’ I am getting stronger. Remember: ‘it’ is a two way street and you will go crazy if only one person feels ‘it’. Love survives by meeting two criteria: loving someone, and being loved in return. We all deserve to give ‘it’ and receive ‘it’, but not waste ‘it’! THAT THAR'S THE ATTITUDE I'M TALKING ABOUT! FREAKING "A"! Put yourself some "swamp music" on, grab yourself a bottle of Jack Daniels and throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care! LOL! A good song that expresses what you're saying is Van Morrisson's, "Not Feeling "It" Anymore" There's nothing like a trail of your blood and tears to find your way back home! Back to where you began. Back to the beginning! Just open your eyes to see that life is for living, and all the beauty it has to offer! Just open your eyes to see that llife is beautiful and well worth living! Most motivating! You made my day!
Author NSBR Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Gunny - it took a lot of heartache to get here, that's for sure! I don't think I'm the type of guy to kick her to the curb and send her with walking papers, but I'm not the guy that is going to put up with being on the defensive anymore. She's changed, I've changed, and we're not the same 20 something pimple faced kids that we were when we were married. I happen to respect her in a big way for having the GUTS to tell me she wasn't happy. I would rather her tell me straight up instead of going through the motions of a marriage she's just not into anymore. People just change. Flat out change. Their desires, dreams, and plans can easily go in a different path than what you expect. I've spied on your threads and your words probably struck me the most while I've been lurking here over the past 3-4 months. Pining for love, wishing for love, hoping for love is just a bunch of headgames that will drive you CRAZY!!! It took me some time to realize this.
Gunny376 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Pining for love, wishing for love, hoping for love is just a bunch of headgames that will drive you CRAZY!!! It took me some time to realize this. Life's too short! I don't have the time! Get busy living ~ or get busy dying! Me? I'm not looking for marriage? I'm not looking for love? Marriage and love is going to have to find me! I'm too busy living my life and working on making myself happy and content in and with my life. That's my job, my mission, my business ~ my responsibilty ~ no one else's! I'm the one that responsible for putting a laugh in my voice and a smile on my face! I'm the one responsible for my daily perspective and attitude. Glad you made it~ glad to see that you're taking charge ~ resposibility ~ for your own personal happines/contentment/peace of mind of your life! Nice to have you here! Its an awesome place to be!
heartoutside Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Life's too short! I don't have the time! Get busy living ~ or get busy dying! Me? I'm not looking for marriage? I'm not looking for love? Marriage and love is going to have to find me! I'm too busy living my life and working on making myself happy and content in and with my life. That's my job, my mission, my business ~ my responsibilty ~ no one else's! I'm the one that responsible for putting a laugh in my voice and a smile on my face! I'm the one responsible for my daily perspective and attitude. Glad you made it~ glad to see that you're taking charge ~ resposibility ~ for your own personal happines/contentment/peace of mind of your life! Nice to have you here! Its an awesome place to be! I kind of agree that when we are in the middle of a break-up, break, seperation etc etc that we owe it to ourselves to focus on ourselves. But I really don't agree with the idea that that we are totally responsible for laughing in our voices...right now yes. But the hardest part about something like what we are all going through is that other person was part of your voice, part of you laugh, and now that part isn't there! My question is how do you just push the "it" to the side? Right now, "it" is killing me!
notspiritual Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 People just change. Flat out change. Their desires, dreams, and plans can easily go in a different path than what you expect. That is why there is no point in getting married. The only possible exception is when your spouse understands that “to love” is an active verb and not something that you just happen to feel or not. Western marriage nowadays is not taken very seriously. The fact that the wife can walk away with 50% of the wealth does not help either. In the book “Tuiavii's Way: A South Sea Chief's Comments on Western Society – Erich Scheurmann ” , Tuiavii comments that in western marriage ceremony we should not say “until death separates us” but instead “until the lack of love separates us.”
Author NSBR Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 The 'IT', that feeling of love, respect, sacrifice, devotion, partnership, etc., is something that I can't turn completely off. I'll agree to that without reservation. It is something that still impacts me and it is with me right now in many ways. I think I would be pretty heartless if I told you that I decided one day that it was all gone and I was devoid of those emotions. Then I would be the dumper!! What I'm doing now, however, is making a clearly thought out choice. I am choosing to supress these feeling and not let them show. And right now it isn't that hard to do. I mean, it actually is becoming hard to have those feelings of affection, love, and devotion for someone who will hardly speak to you or touch you. By doing this I am able forecasting myself into a world where I come out of this on my own and happy! I deserve that! I don't want to sit around hoping that things work out. MC has been discussed and were both in IC. Neither of us are giving up. I am not giving up, but I am moving forward in a way that once we've come to a crossroads, my emotional ducks are in a row. I can easily see myself reconciling and easily bringing 'it' back for my wife once more. Likewise, I can equally see myself on my own and at peace. I am not doing it in a scheme that I think will make her want me back or as part of a no contact, 180 process. I am doing this for ME.
Psch1968 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 its a question of timing right? I am 8 days into my nightmare, and I honestly believe its too early to push those 'it' feelings to one side and try and move on. If I did, I would not grieve properly and I believe that to get to where you are (once you are in this mess) one has to let some time and pain pass. Sure if my wife confirms our seperation, then perhaps thats the time to check out. Having said all that, your mail brought the first ray of hope to my face all day (and its nearly midnight here), so thank you.
Author NSBR Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 Psch1968: It looks like you and I are about the same age. I wasn't anywhere near at my current mindset after day 8. I actually was dry heaving in my john for about a week, so I think you have a lot of emotion to get through. I was told this and I'll tell you the same. You will need time to deal with this, but you'll start to feel better. I'm with you on this as are a lot of people out here!
Psch1968 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Thanks NSBR - I'm frankly desperate right now, cant sleep, cant seem to stop thinking about the guilt, I'm looking at my phone all the time thinking whether I should call her (I know I must not), the prospect of her telling me its finally over when I get home in 2 weeks is crushing me emotionally. I'm sure lots of people will tell me to buck up, but for those that have been with the love of their lives, and screwed it up, they'll know what I am going through..
Broncfan56 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 this is the most thought out thing that i have ever read. it is nothing but truth. i am going through something similar, minus the kids, adn minuse alot, alot of years. i am not ready to push the "it" away yet but this knowledge has really helped me adn i think that if the time does come that we need to separate, i do believe that i will be the one who asks for it, adn i will share this knowlege with my wife. thanks so much
Mr Green Jeans Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Great Post!! Got the thing dropped on me about 3-4 weeks ago & dealing with it all has been chaos. It is amicable but still hard 7 yrs married & 7 dating now needs space. I am keeping busy & trying to keep my mind off the situation. G/L Bro!!
sumdude Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Excellent post .. the condensed version of a lot of long threads here. People don't plan on falling out of love or losing 'it' but sh*t happens. We like to think that they'll fight harder for 'it' but there you have expectations of others that maybe cannot be reached.
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