Still in shock

[Grace112]

I'm not really sure how to deal. My ex called off our wedding almost 3 weeks ago after our 2 year engagement and there is still a major part of me that is in disbelief. I moved into a new apartment, started taking dance classes, and am frequenting the gym, however I still really feel like he's going to come around and realize that this isn't what he wants.

 

I know that he had been angry and frustrated with me over the past few weeks, but the anger truly felt disproportionate to what was actually occurring. I didn't want to upset him but at the same time I couldn't take the anger. I told him that we should wait to speak in front of our couple's therapist and spent 2 nights in a hotel hoping to avoid any further arguments. I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back as he couldn't understand why I would let him stew for 2 days. He walked out of our session and called it off. We were back together 2 days later but a week after that we were through again.

 

I'm so upset because we hadn't even completed 2 therapy sessions together. I really feel like if we could have communicated constructively that we wouldn't be where we are. I know he was getting advice from his co-workers, 1 female in particular, and it just frustrates me so much that he couldn't talk to me about what was going on. I want so badly to salvage the relationship, however he's still so angry at me - he can't see me.

 

I don't know what to do. I know better than to throw myself at him as I've tried it once and all it did was anger him. He sent me a nice e-mail yesterday saying how hard it was for him to stay away from me but that he thinks we're bad for each other and that after 5 years he just has to throw in the towel. I just want to crawl into his arms and have him tell me that everything is going to be okay. Help!

[norajane]

This is the man who cheated on you early in the relationship? And now he's broken up with you because he can't deal with your trust issues?

 

Hon, have you reached the point where you might consider that he's just bad news as a partner?

 

In the meantime, it's only been three weeks. You shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself to feel better already. And you shouldn't blame yourself - he obviously didn't want to work on things if he wouldn't even go to therapy with you.

 

Take a long, deep breath and stop worrying about what he wants and if he'll come back. Consider if you are really better off without him.

 

((hugs))

[Grace112]

Thanks for the hug. I could sure use it right about now.

 

I just don't understand how the man who desparately wanted to move forward with our marriage so quickly disappeared. It's amazing to me the depth of change over the past 3 weeks. It's like we never met and the past 5 years never existed. If I saw him walking down the street, he would look at me as a stranger would and that breaks my heart.

 

I know I need to stop thinking about him and wondering when he's going to come back. He made it clear that he never would. It's just that over the past 5 years, we've broken up and gotten back together a handful of times so part of me thinks that the reconciliation is inevitable. I keep on retracing my steps and thinking "had I just done this" or "had I not said that" things would be okay.

 

I also know, however, that it would be even harder to trust him if I had to try again. Sometimes I feel like I've swallowed my feelings one too many times. The girls I questioned his intentions of were indeed the ones he ran to each time we broke up in frustration. I don't know if that meant I pushed him to it and he did it out of spite, or I was right and I gave him permission by calling it out. I just want to know if there was something that I could've done to avoid all of this and be the bride I planned to be a month from now.

[Grace112]

I went today to pick-up the rest of my things at his request. On the coffee table was the note I left him with a few of the good things about our relationship - our inside jokes, our great trips, etc. Handwritten on the bottom was "I love her and I miss her". I know I shouldn't have any hope, but reading that this afternoon re-opened those gates for me. I just want to run back to him so badly. I know it doesn't change things, but it's just nice to think he might be thinking of me a percentage of how much I've been thinking of him.

[Grace112]

My wedding date was supposed to be September 15th. Today is a tough day. I still don't understand how on Friday I was faxing our song list and then the very next day - the wedding was over. How does someone's feelings change so drastically? It just doesn't make sense. I know I'm not supposed to talk to him - but I just feel as if he talked to me instead of everyone else, he'd change his mind. He only fed them half-truths and never even met me. How can their influence be so great and mine be dismissed so easily? I just don't understand

[Grace112]

I don't even know who he is any more. He just bought a plane ticket to go visit some girl he met on MySpace 2 weeks ago in Florida. The money he used was from the girl he was calling the weeks before we broke up. She gave him the money to pay for the resulting phone bill.

 

I am so beyond confused. How is the same guy that I was going to marry? I don't think that this is really him and that he is just striking out because he's so hurt and so angry. I am once again besides myself just not understanding what's happening. I know it doesn't have to do with me anymore I just don't understand.

[norajane]

It sounds like he may have been ready to walk long before he actually broke off the engagement. And now he's a kid in a candy store, free to screw whoever he wants.

 

His disproportionate anger with you that led to the break-up sounds like it was just him deciding he couldn't get married - he wasn't ready to make a commitment, not just to you, but to anybody - so he created this argument to call things off.

 

I know it's really confusing, but since he was capable of lying and cheating on you before, this is just his true colors coming out again. He's a bad, bad risk for any woman. And he will continue to be a bad risk until he learns to respect people.

 

One day you will be grateful you didn't end up marrying him. I have no doubt he would have soon been cheating on you repeatedly.

 

Stay strong. You will get past this. You might want to try having no contact at all with him, and ask people not to give you any information about him, and don't go checking his myspace or whatever. Get him out of your system so you can heal. Constantly hearing what he's up to is probably not helping, although it may help to show you again and again what an ass he really is.

[FC801]

Grace112, my heart goes out to you. My ex is acting the same way right now (or at least he was before I went NC 2+ weeks ago; now I have no idea and don't want to), picking up girls at the bar, rebounding happily away and being completely immature and self-centered. I think your ex, like mine, is probably trying to hide his emotions and his pain over the breakup by whoring around and getting an ego boost. It is stupid and immature, but know that you are the one who is dealing with the breakup the adult and mature way, which is obviously more painful and difficult but worth it in the end. Because you will come out of this mess way better than he will.

 

Reading your posts, it sounds like he does not deserve someone as wonderful and devoted as you, because he certainly is not. Maybe he was a nice person before, but he is not that same person anymore. And he probably never will be. He sounds totally unstable. Relationships are hard enough, you don't want to throw immaturity and instability into the mix as well. I think love ebbs and flows, but companionship and trust need to be there at all times or you're in trouble. And cheaters will always be cheaters, and they will always be undeserving of your trust and love.

 

I have come to realize (since it's pretty much all I think about these days), and I hope you do too, that the person I loved and adored is dead and gone, and has been replaced by a complete and total stranger who looks like my boyfriend but isn't. The guy who kissed me good morning every day would never have broken up with me the cowardly way he did, and he wouldn't have started sleeping around and telling me about it just to hurt me so soon after our breakup. He did a complete 180 on me. And at first I kept thinking that he would wake up, that he would come back and everything would be fine. And then I realized, I don't want him to come back, because the trust is destroyed. I want him to not have done this to me at all, but he did, and this is not going to go away. It would never be the same again. And that is really sad and I feel like I'm mourning a death, because basically, it is. It's the death of what I thought was a beautiful relationship. But I have to believe that it is for the best.

 

I know it must be awful to think about this all right now, with Sept. 15th looming ahead of you...but at least he showed his true colors before you got married and entangled even more deeply with children and mortgages, etc. You will get through this, as all of us will, and it will only make you stronger and ultimately more grateful and happy when you meet someone who is completely deserving of you. Hang in there.

[funnyfarm]

Your posts gave me a lump in my throat as that is exactly how I have been feeling the last few weeks.

 

Unfortunately, I don't have anything constructive to say...I'm searching for answers myself but just wanted to say I am so so sorry for what you're going through and I relate big time....so many of the things you wrote are carbon copies of things I have said and still say about my ex:(

 

Hang in there....I know it's hard..but wow, this forum seems to be a great place to vent and seek support.

[Grace112]

funnyfarm - i am sorry to hear that you are going through something similar. You're right though - it's so comforting to know that there are other people going through the same thing. I have read so many posts feeling the same way. Someone writes something and it hits just the right cord to make me tear up.

 

I'm starting NC tomorrow. I have heard enough today about him to help put me on the right path. He's actually pursuing a married ex-girlfriend in addition to the everyone else. The fact that he so disregards the sanctity of marriage opened up my eyes. While I still wonder whether I pushed him away and caused him to act out so awfully, I know I couldn't have put such an ugly thought in his head. I would never think such a thing plausible, so I know I cannot take responsibility for that action. The man that I loved is gone. The man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with is nowhere to be found. The man that had my heart has disappointed me beyond belief. Now I need to learn how to be okay with all of this.

[Grace112]

I was so fragile yesterday that I decided to finally just let myself cry. I've been trying to hold it together and have been letting go of just a tear here and there, but since I was already feeling sensitive I decided to give myself an hour to cry and say outloud the things that I was so desparate to say to him.

 

I poured myself a glass a wine, placed a pillow on the ground for me to sit on, had a box of tissues within arms reach and opened up the wedding invitation. The floodgates just opened. I looked at pictures of us and said out loud how much I missed him and how much I didn't want this to be the end for us. I unzipped the garment protector and just looked at my dress. The sounds coming out of me were so foreign and incontrollable - almost guttural. I didn't realize how deeply I had been hurting and permitted myself to continue for an hour. By the time I was done, my eyes were swollen to almost shut. I looked awful, but I knew I needed to do it.

 

This morning, I was telling my friend that I let myself cry and looked at the calendar. I must've blocked it out subconsciously but yesterday was a month since he called off the wedding. It's amazing what the mind does to help you get through the day.

[Curious139]

Grace, you did a really positive and good thing. You let your emotions rise up and cried your heart out. I'm a guy and I only wish I could do the same. I'm appalled at how you have been treated and can only say that I think you have had a lucky break. Your marriage wouldn't have worked.

 

You are a good person and some lucky man is going to find you.

[Grace112]

Thanks Curious139. I sure am having a hard time. This is the first day I've contemplated leaving work early. I just can't seem to keep it together. All I want to do is cry. Actually, that's a mis-statement, all I want to do is call him and beg for his forgiveness. I totally see what I did wrong now and want nothing more than to fix it. I understand why he was upset and want to tell him. I don't know how I let it get to this place. I should've opened my eyes sooner. Now I've lost him and I don't know what to do.

[Curious139]

I know it is awful for you Grace. At this point you aren't thinking normally and that is completely understandable given what has happened. I still think your marriage would not have worked and maybe this is all happening for a reason.

 

Keep posting, we understand how you feel.

 

 

You know, losing a love is worse than death. With death there is finality. No possible going back. Irrevocable.

 

But when we lose the person we deeply love, they are still alive. We can contact them, speak to them, even touch them. But we cannot have them. They are gone from our lives. So the pain lives on and even worse, it is refreshed every time we have contact or some hope springs to life in our hearts.

[Toolate]

Grace im so sorry all of this has happened. What he did was ridiculous self-centered and just plain stupid.

 

You didn't do anything wrong either. He seems to me like the type that doesn't want to talk about anything and expects relationship problems to work out by themselves. My EX is like that and there is nothing you can do, shes like a brick wall.. It takes 2 to make a relationship work, you cant do it alone. Hes immature and is running from himself. You deserve better. And he WILL realize that he screwed up, but you will prolly be over him and happy with a new great guy so to bad for him! Hang in there!! keep posting.

[Grace112]

I attempted to contact him on Sunday. I woke up at 7am and sat on the beach for 2 hours just crying and watching the waves crash onto the shore. I am still trying desperately to grasp how things could be so done. I spent years by his side as we struggled to make it. There were times when we didn't have enough money to eat so we split one meal, where we watched video tapes because we couldn't afford cable and we couldn't go out, and where our idea of a splurge was spending $8 to park at the beach for the day in his hand-me-down minivan. I dealt with his temper and with his screaming. I stood by him regardless of what he says to everyone else. And now, I'm sitting here by myself while he has moved on because he believes that I'm so awful that there is someone out there better for him despite once thinking he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

What did I do that was so awful and why can't I fix it? I thought love was supposed to carry you through everything. How can it be that after 5 years, I am merely an afterthought?

[Scorpio13c]

I'm so sorry for you Grace,

Just know, that regardless what he's done, you will not be just an "After-thought" to him, as i'm certain sadness, guilt, lonliness & memories will not leave his thoughts anytime soon.

My best wishes for you Grace!

 

Scorp

[tinke]

grace, i feel your pain and i'm sorry you are feeling so badly. you sound young, and although break-ups don't get easier with age, each experience adds wisdom.

 

i don't have the answers as to why people simply leave, but i do belive it is a fault of THEIR'S. you stated you had stood by him in the toughest of times, and yet, you want to call him to apologize...why? please try to understand that it takes 2 people actively invested in the relationship for it to continue...it is work! my ex believed one should not have to work at it, where i believe it takes constant protecting and prioritizing. please don't torment yourself with guilt/blame..i highly doubt if he is taking responsibility, or at least he would express some remorse.

 

i, too, was in total disbelief after a LTR...he disapppeared..very cold, hurtful, and surely not the person i believed i knew. i cannot imagine myself disrespecting someone and treating them so poorly when i had loved them at some point in my life. others can do this without blinking an eye, but, it demonstrates THEIR downfalls.

 

i know it seems impossible to believe, but it WILL get easier. 5 mo. ago, i never imagined i would feel zest for life again...slowly, it is returning. yes, i miss the comfort, the person i knew...but the reality has hit that the dynamics have changed.

 

allow yourself to grieve, but also, take care of yourself. trust that in time, things will get better...thoughts will begin to diminish in intensity..actually, you may have pity for him.

 

take care.

[Grace112]

I really appreciate everyone's kind words. They all make sense for a little while and then I feel like I get sucked right back into my despair and my confusion. I know that I shouldn't be hurting because of what he's doing now - we're not together so his actions shouldn't affect me, but I feel so awful knowing that he's so enthralled with someone new already. Again - what did I do that was so awful that he's willing to spend so much time and so much money with someone he's known for less than 3 weeks? He wanted to marry me - that's not something you just brush away. Where does that love go? Where does that commitment go? How do those feelings disappear? How is some stranger so much more valuable to you than the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?

[tinke]

wish i had some answers to satisfy you, grace. the truth is i can relate to what you are feeling. he had vanished and onto another immediately, and then spoke of his upcoming marriage (with her). i don't get it, but i do know that never would i be able to treat someone in that manner,without a word, explanation, no contact..just gone!

 

as tony t. has said before, it is hard to compete with someone new and exciting. i had no desire to compete at all, i was more hurt of how he mistreated and disrespected me.

 

i just have to believe, someone else comes along and is able to gratify some needs they were lacking, which makes them even more appealing. granted, in time, i am most confident that all his old behaviors reappear.

 

i'm sorrry to ask, but how long since the break-up? i am asking, because i can easily identify where you are at in your thought process..trust, it will change.

 

the first thing you may take note of as you heal is that you do deserve someone who will stand by you during the toughest times, someone that will respect you as well as the relationship, and discuss problems rather than run from them.

 

sleep will return in longer increments, hunger will return, the constant thoughts will eventually lessen. it will get easier.

i thought i would drive myself crazy with the constant reflections..but somehow, i came to the point of realizing i am the one giving him that control to consume me.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I really appreciate everyone's kind words. They all make sense for a little while and then I feel like I get sucked right back into my despair and my confusion. I know that I shouldn't be hurting because of what he's doing now - we're not together so his actions shouldn't affect me, but I feel so awful knowing that he's so enthralled with someone new already. Again - what did I do that was so awful that he's willing to spend so much time and so much money with someone he's known for less than 3 weeks? He wanted to marry me - that's not something you just brush away. Where does that love go? Where does that commitment go? How do those feelings disappear? How is some stranger so much more valuable to you than the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?

 

Grace, I read through your thread and I am sorry for what you're going through.

 

One thing I'd like to say: People who chicken out on their marriage plans are highly confused with themselves, besides being unreliable. I simply don't buy the whole business of "calling off the marriage because I got cold feet". There's no such thing as cold feet, only a cold brain (and probably a cold heart).

 

When a couple really wants to get married, somewhere in their mind they are already "there". The marriage vows are just a reaffirmation of what they already feel.

 

The fact that your ex cut loose before the wedding, just shows that he's neither confident nor capable of backing up the choice he made (i.e., being with you).

 

 

So he latched on to this new girl right away. I can understand how hurtful that is. Be assured that there is nothing that you did or didn't do, to make him be this way. It's not your fault at all.

 

Sooner or later, the new girl will also see him for what he really is. Believe me, the gold veneer will eventually fade. And if they do end up being together, then they probably deserve each other. You, on the other hand, deserve someone much better.

 

 

I understand it's difficult to get over someone you loved a lot - but when that someone didn't love you back as much, it was a wasted effort anyway. Trust that watever happens, happens for the best. It's better that he cut loose right now - you're spared of being stuck with him for the long term.

 

 

Just be confident that you WILL get over this. Give it time. There will be highs and lows, but you will definitely be in a much better place than you are right now.

[Grace112]

i'm sorrry to ask, but how long since the break-up? i am asking, because i can easily identify where you are at in your thought process..trust, it will change./quote]

 

He called off the wedding 6 weeks since yesterday. Yesterday also signifies 2 weeks until my supposed wedding date - September 15th.

 

I am just so frustrated with the way he sees me. He spent all this time talking to the girl I was worried about and couldn't speak to me about our issues. Of course she's going to feed him what he wants to hear about me, she wanted to be with him herself! He based his decisions on half-truths about me and it kills me that he sees me in this way. Once he has a mindset, there is no changing it. He's told everyone that he's tried for me over the past 5 years and obviously it wasn't working. He didn't mention that during the first 3 years of our relationship we broke up a few times and during those periods he slept with co-workers I knew and tried to hide it. Of course I am going to be wary of co-workers he travels to see. That's not crazy! When one co-worker turned him down, she told me he said "I've always though that there was something between us." For a year I asked him to stay away from her, he said I was crazy for thinking that he was interested and as soon as we were broken up, he went after her. He worked at another place where all the girls thought I was jealous and insecure, when he called off the wedding he asked a girl out saying that he had always been interested in her but of course didn't want to incur my wrath.

 

I agree that the past should be in the past and that because I forgave him I should be willing to overlook these instances. I don't think it's unreasonable though for me to have some worries. All his co-workers and friends just see his side of the story - that poor insecure girl will never change. Of course, they'll tell him to cut me loose. But I've worked so hard to learn how to trust him again and over the past year, I've truly felt like he loved me and wanted to make things work. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but I think getting through the downs is what makes the relationship stronger. How he's given up so completely and has just written me off is so painful. I just wish I could get him to see me for who I am.

[Lyssa]

oh Grace... All I can offer you is my *hugs*

 

Everyone hear has said really wonderful things and I hope you kept it all in mind.

 

You're better off without him! Deep down inside, we all know you know he's not worth it...

 

You should keep posting.. I can see that it has helped you...

[tinke]

oh sweetie, you are bringing haunting memories!

my ex also cheated on me in the relationship. he would leave and immediately have another, so another form of cheating i would say. i loved and believed in him, and gained the trust back. then what, you say??? oh yes, the pattern repeats...

 

i am a full believer that once that disrespect had been planted to cheat (in any form), the pattern had been set. the respect for the relationship and you were absent.

the loyalty and commitment was not present, as i would guess the remorse.

 

some people are able to do this, others cannot. but, what i do believe, is that the cheating is not so much the action, but the display of apathy towards the other, little investment in the relationship, disconcern with the outcome. if one truly loves someone, it is much too risky, not to mention highly disrespectful.

 

so, this is what i have learned from the painful process...i will never again trust someone who has cheated on me. it shows poor morals to begin with.

 

i am so sorry for your pain. one thing that has helped me, (i was to marry, also), is that i can just hear him requesting a divorce the first sign of discontent.

 

don't be hard on yourself for the mistrust, you had your reasons. it was the ole gut feeling telling you...beware! it isn't her to be worried about..it is his lack of morals and ability to wander. would you ever be able to trust him again????? and again, and again????

[vivi]

i'm so sorry you had to learn this truth about the man you thought you knew. this says more about him than it does about you, although you can't see that right now because of your anger and pain. Why don't you take a look at the infidelity board on this website? You'll read story after story of wives who would have given anything to be in your shoes RIGHT NOW, even with the pain...because the pain would be much greater if you had married him and found out he was really this way. You were in love with a shallow louse. He at least stopped before you got married and you'd be really stuck. Marriage doesn't change people. give away the dress, go on a long trip with a friend. Your love was good. His love was not. Your love is valuable. His is worthless, hear that? WORTHLESS. You were lucky. Over time, you will see that. and pity whatever poor woman winds up with this user.