Not sure what to think?????

[sunshine2627]

Maybe I am over reacting and maybe I am not. I could be the jealous g/f who has a b/f who is divorced, has a child and still keeps in contact often with X. I have never been divorced so I do not know how it feels. So I am hoping maybe someone can shed some light for me.

 

My b/f and I have been together for a little over a year but made our relationship more exclusive around February. My b/f has been separated for over a year with his divorce being final in October. I was not the reason for their divorce. They were having problems long before I came into the picture. I was only trying to be a friend because he really did not have anyone else he could talk to. He tells me often that he does not know what he would have done without me to help him through his divorce. It was an emotional rollar coaster for us both.

 

Around the end of February beginning of March he decided that he wanted to try and make things work between us. One of his best friends told him if he is not careful he could lose someone special that is standing right in front of him and sure enough he almost did. During this time we also talked about living together. I told him that if was certain that he wanted to be with me then I would move in with him and his son. So around the end of April we moved my stuff in. Things for the most part of been great. Sure we have our moments just like any other couple. My relationship with his son is great. There is still room for improvements with my b/f and I as well as my relationship with his son. I also know that this transition will take time and patience.

 

I noticed our relationship changed or started to change shortly after I got back from a family vacation. I was gone for a week. He was a little upset with me that I kept my original family planned vacation for a family reunion. I asked if him and his son would like to go with us. He said no for several reasons. One being the drive, another money and lastly this time apart would be a great opportunity for him and his son to spend some quality time together. So I assumed he was ok with me leaving for a week. What made him upset was the fact he was also on vacation that week. He told me that I pretty much just packed my bag and left which is not true. His X also made a comment about me leaving which did not make things any easier for me. My family had this vacation planned since the end of last year with everything being final around January. He also had planned on taking a vacation with his son and dad that same week but unfortunetly those plans changed. He commented several times about possibly changing his vacation but he never did. My parents drop me off so he does not have to come and get me. I thought when I got home, I would be greated with a hug, kiss and a "glad you're home, we missed you". I did not get any of that. After he brought my bag inside, I tried giving him a hug and kiss. All I got was a no, you left me for a week and he laid back on the floor with his son. What a welcome home I thought. I was gone for a week and I feel like you did not miss me at all. So I was a little hurt and continue to my things away. He asked me to stop what I was doing and relax. So I did after a few minutes and not a word was spoken to me. I told him that my welcome home hurt my feelings. He apologized and told me that he really did not miss because it did not feel like I was gone. I guess absence does not always make the heart grow fonder.

 

It was not until here recently that his X started becoming a problem. I know he wants to still have a somewhat decent friendship with his X. I understand that he does not want his son growing up with parents who cannot stand each other. So he tries to keep a civil relationship with her. What I am having a hard time dealing with and accepting is the fact that pretty much on a daily basis, maybe not everyday they talk. It is not just about their son. It is everyday small talk. Whether it is on the phone or through text messaging. I am ok that he talks to her but I feel it should only be when it is about their son. Am I wrong here? They also work together on the same shift but not in the same department so that makes it difficult as well. My b/f, his son and I went out to eat and went to see a movie. From the time we left until the movie started there were text messages going back and forth. He tells me it was 2 of his friends and her. But at the time I asked he just told me it was his two friends. He would not tell me he was talking to her because he did not want to start an argument. I asked him if he has ever told me he was talking to someone else when he was talking to her. Of course he said no but he did, Friday night. He told me that I live him and that it is going to happen. I told him that they do not have to talk for 10 or 15 mins about nothing. I told him it is rude and disrespectful to do it when I am around. He got defensive and told me to go ahead and write down the rules about what he can and cannot do. He told me again yesterday that he never wanted the divorce to begin with and that he was forced to file. He tells me that he still has feelings for her and that he cares a lot about her. Those feelings are not just going to go away when they share a son together. So kow a part of feels as if we are taking a few steps back in our relationship and that I am now feeling the void. I feel he is unsure of his decision to be with me. But he tells me that I am with him and I should now that he loves me. If I trust him I should not question who he is talking to and what they are talking about if it is the X because he is with me and he loves me. If he did not see a future with me he would not talk about getting married or having kids of our own. He tells me time and time again that he does not want to be with her. He does not love her. He loves me. I do not remember exact words but he said that if he wanted to have another baby now he could with his X. He told me if this was going to be a reoccurance conversation that we have then maybe we should not be together and I should find someone who is not divorced and has a child.

 

Is that his way of telling me that he wants out? Should I be concerned or am I that jealous g/f? I have never dated someone who has been divorced and has a child so this is all new to me. I am trying my hardest to be patient and understanding. Why can he not do the same for me? I feel sometimes he is being selfish.

[Mino]

Hello, Sounds to me he would rather be with his ex, He may be settling for you cause she intiated the d. I would move out, get my own place. I think you moved together way to fast, now he is having second thoughts. And the comment about having a baby with the ex, WTF ?????? :eek:run

[norajane]

He told me again yesterday that he never wanted the divorce to begin with and that he was forced to file. He tells me that he still has feelings for her and that he cares a lot about her. Those feelings are not just going to go away when they share a son together. So kow a part of feels as if we are taking a few steps back in our relationship and that I am now feeling the void. I feel he is unsure of his decision to be with me. But he tells me that I am with him and I should now that he loves me. If I trust him I should not question who he is talking to and what they are talking about if it is the X because he is with me and he loves me. If he did not see a future with me he would not talk about getting married or having kids of our own. He tells me time and time again that he does not want to be with her. He does not love her. He loves me. I do not remember exact words but he said that if he wanted to have another baby now he could with his X. He told me if this was going to be a reoccurance conversation that we have then maybe we should not be together and I should find someone who is not divorced and has a child.

 

This whole paragraph is full of contradictions. I think he would be with his wife if she were willing to have him back. Which puts you in a very tenuous position as his fall-back girl.

Is that his way of telling me that he wants out? Should I be concerned or am I that jealous g/f?

 

Forget what he wants, for a moment, and consider if YOU want out. Do you really want to be with a man who has feelings for someone else, and who would go back to her if she'd let him? Do you really want to be the one he's with because he can't be with her? Do you really want to be with a man who is contemplating the idea of having more children with his supposed ex? Do you really want this kind of relationship in your life?

 

You don't have to wait around for him to get back together with her, or to cheat on you, or even to figure out WTF he wants. You can decide for yourself if you are happy and choose to stay or leave based on what you actually have with him.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

You know what? I think he is punishing you for anothers actions. You abandon him for a weeks holiday and he pushes you away. You question him and he pushes you away. Google "Abandonment" and check if he sounds like he has abandonment issues. He may be taking these issues out on you from previous relationships such as his ex-W.

 

I really wouldn't stand for it though. Granted, I agree he should keep it friendly with his ex for his sons sake. But taunting you with thoughts of him and the ex having a baby together? Thats cruel. Its punishment for something that you have not done - abandoned him. Maybe he's testing you?

 

There's a fine line between being a jealous G/F and trying to protect your relationship from the threat of the ex - it's finding it that's going to be hard. I would explain that to him and explain that you need support, transparency and communication to ensure you trust him and understand that you're meeting his needs - and ensure he is totally meeting your needs before you bow down to his requests of being understanding of his treatment of you.

[sunshine2627]

Thank you for your response. I greatly appreciate it. These past couple weeks have not been easy on me. It seems we have been arguing a little more lately except for this weekend. We actually had a great time and enjoyed each others company. We talked the other night about a few things again and I agreed that I would not bring up past conversations anymore.

 

This all initially started with the text messages and telling me that it was one of his friends. How I found out he lied to me? I checked his text messages on his phone. I had that feeling in my gut he was lying to me and I was right. I have not told him I checked his phone to avoid another argument about trust. I confronted him in a way and his reason for not telling me he was talking to her was to avoid an argument. I can understand that but the fact remains he lied to me. In a way I guess I am no better because I have not told him that I have checked his phone. I will also admit that I have checked his phone records as well. The entire week I was gone he talked to her on the phone or through text messaging every day. Which also makes me wonder if she came over while I was gone. I never asked because I did not think I had to be concerned. Unless the bill I am looking at is when they had a shared plan but I would think her b/f's number would show up as well since he was on their bill. Messed up I know.

 

He does have abandoment issues. He is very jaded when it comes to women. His mom had an affair for a couple years I believe. His parents got a divorce either is Jr. or Sr. year in high school. She also had a baby with the man she was having an affair with. I admire his dad because he adopted the little girl. He did not have to and I think most men and women in would not. Anyway, back to the subject. My b/f's X left him several times before he finally had enough and kicked her out last year. Rumors were going around at work that she was having an affair and when confronted she denied. I believe she still denies it to this day. We all know how rumors work but I honestly believe there is some truth behind rumors but you just have to find it. There is no reason why she would have to stay out at all hours of the night when she has a family at home. I understand that even when you get married you still need your space from each other but not every night. She never let him go out because she always wanted to. She made him stay at home and take care of their son. He told me one day that his friend asked if their son was her son too because he always referred to their son as his son. So during our conversation, he told me he knows he does not treat me like I should be treated. He does not treat me horribly by any means. I guess there could be some improvements made. But he said he is afraid that if he does open up and treat me like I should be treated then one day I will pick my things up and leave him. What I have learned from my past relationships it is a risk that a person has to be willing to take or you may miss out on something really great. I know he is still angry at her. She pretty much riped his hopes and dreams from him. So a part of him is scared that maybe I will do the same. I told him that he has to trust me and he came back with I should be able to do the same with him.

 

So I guess my big complaint is why do they have to talk everyday or every other day about small things? I guess I am afraid that if they keep talking as much as they do, he will maybe see that she has changed. He will say to himself this is the woman I fell in love with. I do not think they will ever get back together though but it is a thought that runs through my mind because I know how hard the divorce was for him. He tells me all the time he loves me and that he wants to marry me. I have dealt with a lot since we have been together but he is not the same man that I met a year ago. Actually we have known each other for 13 years and we even went together in jr. high. I see a lot of good in him and I know he is trying to be a better person. I started to see a change in him at the beginning of the year and it become more noticable in March.