In_the_sand Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 My wife and I have been married over 9 years. We are both 34 years old and have two children (10 &6) . I am currently deployed to Iraq and have been here 13 months now and have two months left. While I was gone my wife moved home to her Mother's house so we could save money to buy a house next year. I went on mid-tour and visited her in February which was the 7 month mark being gone. A few months after my mid-tour my wife started pulling away from me, always too busy to talk, getting upset easily at me on the phone, Emails were always brief and didn't mention me anymore (ie. talking about our future or me coming home like they use to). I could definitely tell there was something wrong. I confronted her several times until she finally admitted she did something bad. She tells me that because of the seperation and all of our problems we have had in the past (which there plenty of) and her being so lonely that she found herself attracted to a "boy" as she calls him, some 23 year old. He is the best friend of her cousin who lives right next door to her mother. She tells me that they only went as far as kissing a few times in the physical part, but she was very attracted to him and he is such a nice guy. They spent some time together going to parties, a concert, and a festival in her town. He spent time around her mom's house "helping her out with stuff". One day they were in the basement and my son walked in on them kissing! She say's that was too hard on her and she called it off with him. She realized that it would go no where and she wanted to stay with her husband. In July she moved back to Hawaii where I am stationed and rented a house for us, moved all of our stuff in from storage and got the place ready for me to come home. Ok... that's the beginning, Now after digging and questioning, going over phone records and such I found that she had still been in contact with him and had called him several times and had been sending SMS messages to his cell phone while she was in Hawaii. While she was at home her cousin had asked if he could come to hawaii and visit her, oh by the way, he wants to bring a friend, guess who?? She tells me that is why she was calling him, to help them make plans for their visit. So, now the cousin and the friend are in my house, right now as a matter of fact. After she came clean with me I handled it pretty well I think, I told her that we can get over this and it doesn't mean it's over I still love her, but, 'I want this guy out of my house!' I believe this is a reasonable request. Especially after what had happened back then, I would call her and tell her she is acting strange and it is scaring me, I asked her if she was doing anything inappropriate, maybe something she needs to tell me. Her reply's were always so hateful and she became so upset with me "that I could think she would do something like that". She tells me now that she won't kick him out! That she invited them and she is obligated to be a good host. I told her she is obligated to me. She said it would be too embarrassing for her because her Mom would find out. Also he doesn't have enough money to get a hotel until he leaves next week. She tells me it is over between them and I have nothing to worry about. I understand that and I believe it is over, but I can't truly know that and it is too painful for me to know that this guy (who was the aggressor, making the first move and such) is sleeping in my house, watching my TV and still being around my son who took the whole thing very hard. She let's him use my things running around the island snorkeling and hiking. She said I am being Immature about this because I want him out of my house.... ??? She became hysterical and became so pissed off at me that I don't trust her....??? Am I being Immature? I think it is reasonable for me to tell her to kick him out, I don't care where he goes, he could sleep on the street as far as I am concerned, I just want him away from her, my son, and my house. Her only valid argument is that she thinks I would be kicking her cousin out too. I said her cousin doesn't have to leave but if he feels he should go, then bye, pick better friends next time.
dbtmarley Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 WTF~ Dude I would be going crazy! I would be taking it out on every dog, rat, fish, man over there in Iraq! My M-16 would always be out of ammo because I would be shooting every rock thinking of my wife's face!!!! I doubt her very much, just like you do! I mean what the hell does she expect you to think after what went on between the two of them. Now she brings this man over to stay? He is driving your car... eating your food that YOU pay for.... sitting in your chair... using your flippers to go snorkeling... and screwing your wife with the door open so your son can watch! Screw her and her new boyfriend who obviously has no job! Kick her to the curb!
nellstar Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I'm a woman and I have this to say... Kick him out of your house!!! Your wife shouldn't even offered him to stay over... I bet her cousin doesn't know about her little rendezvous?
underpants Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 That was really hard to read. Paragraphs would make that easier. I would not be too happy about this. I can understand how disrespected you feel. That is not good. All I can say is to be worrying about where you are right now and cya. This is what I would recommend. Do what you have to do and get home asap. Then you can deal with the battle on the homefront. Do post more though.
Lostgurl Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Wow, I'm surprised that you are handling this so well. I think that you should put your foot down here. Tell her to kick his slimy arse out or you'll kick her's out. There shouldn't have been any contact between them, and she's has gone to far. She's using you as a doormat. I would have a hard time forgiving her for the moments of discretion. This would have put me over the top. Get rid of them all.
Krytellan Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 If I was in your situation my head would have already exploded. They would still be cleaning me off the sand. My ex-wife had a house guest one night while we were apart and it killed me. Whatever she's telling you man, her behavior is repeatedly slapping you in the face.
Hurt & Alone Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 I dont think for a second that you are in the wrong for wanting him out of your home. He has no buisiness there and your wife is not showing you the respect you deserve, esp after telling her that you two will work it out and you still love her. I would say give her an altimatium and the ball will be in her court with waht she wants to do.
squeak Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 My blood pressure just rose by reading your story, I'm really sorry man, I want to kick your wife out of the house for you if you are unsure. The initial indiscretion was it's own problem, this bringing him in and yelling at you for not liking it is unforgiveable. I almost feel like she is purposely disrespecting you, this went too far South. And while you are away with your own stresses and duties, take care, you are in the right.
squeak Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 I would kick her out of the house or at the very least insist she kicks him out and let everyone know, don't help her to hide it from her mother/cousin. Kick them out. You'll be angry at yourself later if you let this guy stay there. Serious disrespect, it's go time.
Topper Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Man I feel so bad for you. I was in the Army many years ago. Your post her brought back a few memories of guys getting the dreaded Dear John letters. i have seen some real tough Motherf--ckers break down and cry like littel babies when they read those letters. You are not wrong in what you have requested from your wife. She is being insensitive to you and as others have said disrespectful. If you can arrange for a military Chaplain or someone like a Marriage councillor in Hawaii get in touch with your wife. Maybe they can show her how hurtful she is being.
whichwayisup Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Ask her how she thinks her own son felt when he saw his mommy kissing that 23 year old guy. Then ask her if it is appropriate for someone who she's messed around with should stay in your home. Then ask her if the situation was reversed, and it was you fooling around, lusting after some 23 year old hottie, how SHE would feel if you invited that young'un to come stay at your house with your wife and children. WTF! Your wife is reverting back to teen years, the single life. HELLO! She is a mother of 2 kids and is a WIFE. Her behaviour is completely wrong and immature! Definately let her know you won't be putting up with it. IF that guy comes to stay with you, take your kids with you and go somewhere else. MAKE THAT clear to her.
Jesika Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I agree with the other posts so far.........How could she think you WOULDN'T be pissed off considering the past. Not only that but it is affecting your child too? F*** that!!!!!! I would tell her it is either him out or you and your child will stay gone untill he is. This situation could have been avoided if she had told you ahead of time she was helping with arrangements for them to come and stay. That is something that you and she should have decided.....not just her. That to me shows she still isn't being 100% honest with you. Having house guests affects everyone in the house and should be decided with all involved. But to not tell or include you in this decision and with what happened in the past.....How DARE she get upset with you. Sending you a hug......sorry about this....it sucks.
sb129 Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Ask her how she thinks her own son felt when he saw his mommy kissing that 23 year old guy. Then ask her if it is appropriate for someone who she's messed around with should stay in your home. Then ask her if the situation was reversed, and it was you fooling around, lusting after some 23 year old hottie, how SHE would feel if you invited that young'un to come stay at your house with your wife and children. WTF! Your wife is reverting back to teen years, the single life. HELLO! She is a mother of 2 kids and is a WIFE. Her behaviour is completely wrong and immature! Definately let her know you won't be putting up with it. IF that guy comes to stay with you, take your kids with you and go somewhere else. MAKE THAT clear to her. Exactly! Can you imagine the kind of hysteria were the roles reversed? And for good reason. I think you are TOTALLY justified in not wanting this guy anywhere near your family or your wife. She is taking the pi** for sure. I don't want to plant awful thoughts into your head, but I can't believe that after she breached your trust so enormously she would rub your face in it. I know it is tough for you where you are, you need your wifes support, not her grief. You are doing a tough job in a tough place, and she clearly has no idea This would be a deal breaker for me I think. Sorry if I have gone on a bit, but I think you guys have enough to deal with over there.
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