Northstar1984 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 When things were very bad last week, I decided to make an effort to find a way- anyway to get out of that dark place. I tried one or two things such as crying till I couldn't cry anymore, talking to anyone that would listen and a whole host of other things.. Eventually I came to a cold, logical approach. This may not work for everyone because I believe some of the lost souls on this page are here due to their own lack of care, attention, understanding etc. harsh, but true. However, there are plenty of down-trodden people who have done nothing specific to warrant the heart-ache. I think this method may be of some use. Calling this a Hate List would be a little grim, I think. But that's essentially what it is. Everything niggling little habit, trait or annoying phrase or manner they had. Written down on paper, on screen.. in your head. Wherever. Every single time I felt down I took a glance at this list.. it made me feel guilty, believe it or not.. but it allowed me to collect my thoughts. Put things in perspective and try remember that if things were the other way round.. these are kinds of reasons I'd be citing to her if I'd of done the breaking up. In my case, she did have a lot of unresolved issues... without a doubt. Things I'd of gladly walked to the ends of the Earth to help her resolve.. but ultimately, these AREN'T my problems. As I think of a new reason for disliking her, or something about her.. I add it to the list. It's folded up in my wallet along with a picture of her. My only picture since I threw the rest out of my car window the night be split. (I will regret that decision for the rest of my life..). Currently the list reads: Unreasonable Unwilling to discuss problems Claimed I was trying to start an argument when I sat us down to talk Often unresponsive to compliments or affection Extremely unaffectionate Quite rude and bad-mannered on occasion Too easily distracted by other male attention Has already put her new guy's word above mine Rarely thanked me for the countless time and effort I made Very self-absorbed, although she thought the exact opposite Somewhat unintelligent (although this can't be helped) Chooses to have low self-esteem and confidence despite evidence to the contrary (results in MORE male attention/compliments) When the casual observer reads that list, it's easy to say, "So why were you with her then, you idiot?!" Well.. that's just it. I don't know. Perhaps because I'd grown to accept her faults and shortcomings. Counselling has explained this all to me.. so I'm no longer blaming myself or even getting into the "If I did things differently..!!!" mind-set. It's a waste of time. I wonder though, how many reasons would fill up the Positive Ex Attributed column? How many would be superficial things that can be found in a great many of single women/men? Nothing unique, really.. "Nice hair.." or "generosity..".. that kinda thing. I hope I've made sense. I just thought I'd share a little "tool" with you guys.. it may help, it may not. But it did have a positive effect on dragging me a little way out of the downward spiral.
Geishawhelk Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I can see why this would help you, because it helps to validate your resentment, and make you feel you are right to feel the way you feel. It can aid in turning your heart cold, and justifying your sentiments. However, remember that somethinga ttracted you to this person in the first place. and if you were with her for a while, there must be good points to her also. I am trying to be as dispassionate and uncritical as possible, because I appreciate that your emotions are raw and hurting. But be aware that others more intelligent than you may consider you of lower intelligence, and there is a patronising note to both the list of criticisms, and in your explanatory note to others reading this. "This may not work for everyone because I believe some of the lost souls on this page are here due to their own lack of care, attention, understanding etc. harsh, but true." It is not constructive to offer useful advice on the one hand, and to then possibly belittle those who are hurting as much as you are, or maybe worse. You yourself admit that you might have exercised bad judgement by staying as long as you did. you have no answer, so permit others at least to go through the same fog of distress.... Judgement is easy especially when one is directly touched and biased. She may well have issues of low self esteem, but I suspect that at one point or another, you have also had this. My take on this exercise would be this: It's all well and good, but only up to a point. If you hold on to the animosity, resentment and anger in this way, it continues to bind you to her as much as the attachement you had when the relationship was in full swing. Whatever you put energy in to, will grow. What I would suggest instead, is putting this sheet of paper into a biscuit tin, adding a neutral letter of farewell to her, also listing all the good points about her you loved so much, and then ceremoniously burning them, permitting it all to go up in smoke, quite literally. Then move on. Keep feeding this resentment (by adding to the list) and it will never release you. Let it go, and move on. That's all.
funkybassplayer Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I think that trying to not like your ex could leave you bitter, and as the above said you did like her for somthing. My ex had alot of whta you have in the list, but she was also sometimes very loving, and she does have issues that caused many problems with us, as i do, but at the end of the day, i never disliked her, or tried to hate her cos she is what she is and i loved her for all her fauls and misjugments. Im 3 and a half months on,. and feel i have moved on amd getting to a more stable place of mind, and she did a bad thing to me in the end, but i have forgiven her in my heart, cos i want her to find happyness, and her kids too, and this approch has left me wishing her well rather than the opposite. If she ever wants to be a friend to me thats fine, but i let her go now, and am dealing with my pain, and my issues, rather than hers and what she did too me. I know its a crap time for some, and we all try our best to speed the pain up so it will pass, but nothing will make it go quiker, and sometimes when you hit that all time low which i did, it may be some1 tyring to tell us to take a good look at ourselves b4 we move to the next relationship. - Just my thoughts.
Trialbyfire Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 It is helpful to review the characteristics that are unappealing about exes...to a reasonable point. I'll be the last person to ever begrudge anyone the ability to utilize whatever crutch is necessary to get over someone. My only suggestion is that you have to be aware it's a crutch and you need to throw it away at some point so you're able to stand and walk on your own. You'll always have a weakness if you're in reliance of a crutch. I do speak from personal experience. Anger/rage/cynicism became a shield against pain/hurt/disillusionment and worst of all, the softer emotions. It was very difficult to let this go, since it had turned into my security blanket. In doing so, I was able to emotionally move on. Surprisingly, I can now be friends with the ex. He does have some redeeming qualities.
Author Northstar1984 Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 I don't resent her, I don't even dislike. Forming a list of reasons why things weren't as peachy as they seem, moments after the break-up has helped me to remind myself that it was a troubled relationship. I feel I may have been misunderstood here. My list of reasons why she wasn't the one for me would hardly contain my own failings and shortcomings, now would it? As a result of this, my list focuses on the fact she made the relationship difficult most of the time and simply did not make the effort. I did try assist her in opening up to me in a manner of ways. Eventually, it fell apart. The reason I said this method may not work for anyone who actually as a result of their own actions brought about the break-up; be that through mistrust, cheating, abuse etc. is because it simply isn't relevant to these people. I've not made this list to turn myself cold to her. That wouldn't work for me, and you're right.. there was something that attracted me to her and it still keeps her on my mind now. The attraction faded and was replaced by comfort, a sense of "normality" and a general feelings of "this is mine, I am hers." But that would be the case with anyone I found attractive initially and then spent time with. Interestingly enough, I got the idea for this "list" from a website based on similar issues as LS.org, although it was run solely to answer questions and provide advice on heart-break. All advice was given by psychologists, counsellors and guidance-type-people (heh). So the theory is there and it does assist some.
funkybassplayer Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Yeah mate i know my ex was a nutcase too!! but i still loved her! but to be hinest, i know now it wouldnt have worked as she never really let go of her hubby, and i kind of new this in my heart. maybe the new guy is the one that will do that, i dont know, but i did my best. Hope you start to feel better soon man.
Chinook Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 To be honest, I can't summon the effort to compile a list of bad OR good traits and issues with my ex partner. I can't even summon enough inside me to concentrate on him at all and quite frankly, I have no idea how I came to that place. I know one thing, I have never blamed myself for more than what was my share of the problem. I wasn't blameless in our breakup but neither was I responsible. I have to say right now, I don't feel anything towards him. I don't think it's indifference as such yet, I think it's my brain's way of protecting me from more hurt... and if it stays that way long enough, by the time I can recall things, it won't matter anyhow.
Author Northstar1984 Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 In an odd way, I envy you.. Chinook.
Chinook Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 In an odd way, I envy you.. Chinook. Oh, believe me, it wasn't easy to find myself in such a place. I've been lower after this break-up than I have ever been in my life (and I've been through some pretty tough things in life). I am also kinda wary that it's only temporary.
Author Northstar1984 Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 That last comment struck a chord - Three weeks ago I was completely calm. She'd gone, I had someone else to think about and everyone kept asking how I was doing. It was weird, but I felt perfectly fine. Slowly it came back, 10x as worse. Suicidal thoughts a-plenty. Madness, really. I want to go back to the start and do things differently.
funkybassplayer Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 That last comment struck a chord - Three weeks ago I was completely calm. She'd gone, I had someone else to think about and everyone kept asking how I was doing. It was weird, but I felt perfectly fine. Slowly it came back, 10x as worse. Suicidal thoughts a-plenty. Madness, really. I want to go back to the start and do things differently. You know you cant go back, and what is done is done. The only thing you can change is the future, and if any of us here had the chance to put things right or whatever we would, but life only moves in one way forward. Dont let any 1 say how long it should take you or what you should feel, and how, cos this is you, and about you, and no one else. There will be new women and ex's but for now feel all you have to, cos as you do, you are getting out all the baggage from the relationship. Today im missing my ex, and thinking about stuff we did, but the emotions have really died down, so its more of a longing to be with her on those hot summer days rather than a mass of uncontrollable emotions that drive you mad! But what do i do about it? Sit out in the garden and think and kind of clear my mind as much as possible, and feel the sun, and the breeze on me. I guess im chilling out! You have to give yourself time, and it does'nt matter how long, as long as you feel it through. Right now your heart is open, so use it to learn about you, and love you, its letting in as much as its letting out. Be positve about the future, and try as much as you can to forgive your ex for her issues, and you may find that this will help. You know some of us try to dislike our ex but we cant, and we cant cos we care and we care cos we are decent humans. Dont forget that, and be proud that you have the ability to feel what you do. Some people cant, or are afraid to. It must be a very shallow world to live like that.
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