Coughlin Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I've been lingering here for awhile cause my ex-girlfriend and I broker up back in November and started something back up in April for a couple of nights. She told me she missed me and that she loved me. Two things that I'll bet everyone would want to hear but be careful what you wish for because it meant nothing. The whole time, I allowed her to treat me like crap and I basically just decided to stop letting her. That's all it takes for many of us to do. We get so caught up with the idea of somehow changing the other person and that if they really loved you, it should just work itself out. Life doesn't work out that way. It takes more than just loving someone to change. Without casting blame on anyone, ask yourself what the other person was like, how they treated you and others. What was their attitude like in general. My ex treated people so poorly and talked badly about everyone including her family and friends. She would make up stories to look cool, she would lie about her intentions and her attitude was just negative. I got her a massage once and she complained about it. Who does that? I know we all wanted things to work out in our relationships because let's face it, we put a lot of effort and time possibly into it. But if you can think back when you were in your relationship of a time when you thought to yourself, maybe there's something wrong with the fact that he or she did....... and fill in the blanks. It could be like in my case, she was rude to waiters at restaurants, it could be that she complained about ex boyfriends probably the same way she is complaining about me but when I think about what she complained about. Those other guys really didn't seem that bad. She said they broke up because he forced her to go on a carribean cruise when he couldn't afford it really and her work suffered. Sounds to me like he was trying to save their relationship. She would say things like her mother was a slob, her sister was a slut, her roomate was getting fat, her coworkers were out to get her and her guy friends all wanted to sleep with her. She was never comfortable around people and tried to impress them constantly. She had an eating disorder. All of these things, I overlooked because I thought that things would just magically get better and they didn't. I developed some trust issues for obvious reasons and she never took accountability for that. I work with her as well which makes it hard. The point is that I chose not to see hwat was right in front of my eyes until I had the chance to step back and really see what was happening. I urge all of you to do the same and instead of looking for answers, look for clarity and then you will find peace. Peace in knowing that things didn't work out for a reason. I couldn't have possibly been happy with someone like that for the rest of my life and God knew it all along.
sao2 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 She is such an optimistic person. Never has a bad word to say about anyone. I heard her say one disparaging remark about someone after 1.5 years and I was kind of shocked to hear it. All she said, when commenting about a dance routine was "that wasn't very good". I really was shocked to hear her say that. Usually she would find the positive in everything. She was joyful, loving, loved her family and friends and always had nice things to say about everyone around her. She is heavily involved in charity work and is always struggling with the pressure and expectations upon her from work, family, friends, herself, and in the end, me. She stretched herself too thin and was left with little time or energy to be in a relationship, where expectations are bound to come into play. I could take the easy way out and say I was needy, but in reality I wasn't overly needy. If I hoped to recieve a phone call a month I got one every 6 months. (we were long distance for a year, same place the first year) If I hoped for an email per week I got an email every month. She just couldn't handle being in a relationship along with everything else going on in her life. I still very much think she is a great person, she just didn't have it in her to be in a relationship, well at least not with me.
Trialbyfire Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 To be fair, you have to realize that peoples' assets, are their liabilities. The strength you admire in how they handle their daily lives, will be something that drives you crazy when applied as a resistance to your own personal needs. The charm you so enjoy, appears overly flirtatious when applied to someone else. Also, you have to realize that you personally have needs that were being met by your exes, in some way, shape or form. If you need to feel in control, you will find someone who needs to be controlled, etc. I guess what I'm saying is when you look to the characteristics of your exes, make sure it's a realistic assessment. If you don't, you will find that history will repeat itself because you will be looking for the same person, albeit with some minor revisions.
sao2 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Been a rough day for me . . . ugh worse than usual and here I thought I was starting to move on. Anyways I also realized more and more why as it stood it would not have worked. As great as she is we had fundamental differences of opinions about what a partnership should be. She was scared of feeling passionate and actually once asked why I would want for my partner to need me(even a little). I believe a little "need" in a relationship is not just ok but necessary. So as a result she was pretty much unwilling to give me anything I asked for. She believed she wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and so she created that reality despite claiming to have strong feelings for me until the bitter end.
relearning2breath Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 He was that seemingly great mix of confidence and scared little boy, that just begged to be taken care of. I realize that I am someone who needs to feel needed and appreciated in a relationship. Not crazy needed, but to have my opinion valued and respected and when I do things for you to really appreciate it and to show that appreciation even if its just a "thank you" or a hug. The same little boy that I loved taking care of...eventually turned into the man who never wanted to grow as a person or in a relationship. I thought he needed someone to stand beside him and tell him "im here for you, i believe in you" and now i realize he didnt want to fix his problems. He just wanted validation that yes some of his problems werent his fault and basically someone to throw him a pity party. I couldnt do that anymore. You can only back someone up and help them reach their goals but they have to be the one to actually reach out and grab it. And no matter how many times I helped him up he wouldnt reach for it. That was a fundamental flaw with our relationship. I always strive to better myself and learn from my mistakes. I have large asperations for my life and he was always completely comfortable living the status quo. Not that theres anything wrong with that, if thats what you both want. But I, I want to reach the stars and I realized that he was holding me down and how much I wish he could take this great journey with me. But he's either not ready or not motivated enough. Which is sad, because he has so much potential. He was a good guy. A 24 year old child. But he had a good heart. I will miss him a lot. But I know that though I love him dearly, to marry him would have been a huge mistake and I would have ended up bitter later in my life. Things do really happen for a reason. No matter how cliche that saying is.
uniqueone Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Hmmmm....mine....I won't call him an SO....we dated is all. He was never wrong, he was critical, he was sensitive when it came to himself but not when it came to me. He was detached, didn't have much empathy and didn't run very deep emotionally. He liked adoration from many and from new sources, he liked new adventures, he was proud of his accomplishments and felt that others were just making excuses for not accomplishing as much as he had. There were good traits too, but those were the bad ones.
Grace112 Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 My first impression of my SO was "wow - he thinks alot of himself" - huge attraction factor for me. He was with someone else at the time and he used to tell me stories of how she didn't appreciate his affection. After they broke up, I was convinced that I would be the woman he needed and give him the care and comfort that he deserved. She saw him only for his bravado, but deep down he was just a scared little boy that needed love. When we finally broke up, it was only after I had started spending more and more time away from him. I knew he needed attention, but I didn't understand he didn't think I was giving him enough. I found out after he left me that he had been calling a friend of his for a month trying to decide whether to call of the wedding. I guess she was the new shoulder to cry on. Gosh - here come the tears again. I just had to share.
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