endless Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 My A ended after D day. My MM sort of wakes up from A fantasy but still refuses to cut all contacts with me. It's been six months and we still talk on the phone occasionally - not as often as before - about 1-2 times a week. He doesn't share the story about his personal life with me as much as he used to but still manage to profess his love to me that I am the love of his life and he still dreams about life with me. Bla bla bla. I know I should go NC but I just cannot. Tried a hundred times but failed. We now live in the different country and no chance of whatsoever to run into each other again so I don't think it has to do with PA. When asked about how life is, these are some lines he told me the last few times we spoked: 1. Life is ok. Just going through the motion. 2. I am hanging in there. 3. W said she knows I still love you. And I HAVE MY HOPE UP!!!!!!! I know it's pathetic! I just can't help it! Any words of wisdom to help me waking up???? I would really appreciate your comment even the hard ones. FYI: MM never admits or confesses about having an affair and W knows who I am as we used to be inthe same community.
nellstar Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Maybe it's just the thought of him saying that you that is giving you hope... Maybe he feels guilty for bailing out... If I were you, I'd just lose him completely. I mean, don't get yourself tangle up again...
Author endless Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Thank you nellstar, I so know that is what I have to do. Just good to hear it from other people too!!!! I wish he would just tell me to get out of his life!
nellstar Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Yup.. sometimes it's easier when he tells it to your face that he doesn't want you in it but that doesn't happen... too often, anyway. I wanted the same thing from my ex. Wanted him to tell me that he didn't need me anymore etc.. but of course he didn't. Only because he didn't want that! He wanted me, needed me but his mother came in between us... so with that, we broke up. I wanted to forget him... so that I could move on... but we both still had feelings and were so comfortable with one another that we held on to each other. That was what made it so much harder for me to let go. Eventually, he just moved on. Ignored me. Left me for good. Wish I had someone to tell me to just f***ing move on!!!
silktricks Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Thank you nellstar, I so know that is what I have to do. Just good to hear it from other people too!!!! I wish he would just tell me to get out of his life! Why don't you take control of your life, stand up for yourself and your needs and do the getting out yourself? As long as you keep hanging on with him and giving in to his needs, you aren't taking care of yourself, and you may be missing out on meeting someone who really IS wonderful (and single).
Tomcat33 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Endless I believe in doing what is best for you in these situations, while there are tried and true ways to move past the ending of an A, the answer is not always the same for everyone. While I respect the fact that maybe part of the disengaging process for you is to maintain some level of contact with him if only just to ease yourself out of the pain of the breakup, I caution you that it can be a good idea but at some point you have to take control and see that you actually do yourself a disservice. I feel you are at that point since you are reaching out. The bottom line is it has gotten to the point that your talks with him are doing you more harm than good you might want to look at why you feel the need to keep talking to him at this point and that way you will figure out why you are in fact creating your own "hope". To an extent we need to put our own doubts to the test so I can see why you would have wanted to stay in contact initially which is fine, but when the answer is consistently not the one we are seeking, and it is the same outcome everytime ( ie pain) then you need to make a move towards change. I think you know what you need to do.
Author endless Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Why don't you take control of your life, stand up for yourself and your needs and do the getting out yourself? As long as you keep hanging on with him and giving in to his needs, you aren't taking care of yourself, and you may be missing out on meeting someone who really IS wonderful (and single). Thank you silktricks. Taking care of myself is really what I need to do right now. I am missing out right now. I feel that I cannot open myself to any other man. I wish I could just tell myself to stop loving him. I am doing it actually - trying to pull all my feelings away from him but sometimes I feel like I am getting no where. Have to keep trying I know. Thank you for reminding me though. I really need to hear it.
Author endless Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Endless I believe in doing what is best for you in these situations, while there are tried and true ways to move past the ending of an A, the answer is not always the same for everyone. While I respect the fact that maybe part of the disengaging process for you is to maintain some level of contact with him if only just to ease yourself out of the pain of the breakup, I caution you that it can be a good idea but at some point you have to take control and see that you actually do yourself a disservice. I feel you are at that point since you are reaching out. The bottom line is it has gotten to the point that your talks with him are doing you more harm than good you might want to look at why you feel the need to keep talking to him at this point and that way you will figure out why you are in fact creating your own "hope". To an extent we need to put our own doubts to the test so I can see why you would have wanted to stay in contact initially which is fine, but when the answer is consistently not the one we are seeking, and it is the same outcome everytime ( ie pain) then you need to make a move towards change. I think you know what you need to do. You are right Tomcat. I do know what I need to do. It is just hard to let go. How can something so special can become such a waste? I thought we had something so one of a kind! I wish this sort of feeling would happen to me again. It is so special no matter how I look at it. NO matter how typical it is as many of us here will call it. It is just sad and hard to let go. I even find it hard to accept that talking to him causes me more harm than good but I know it is. And yes the longer I try to put it of ending it with him, I still cannot find the answer I want to hear! I think the closure is right there but it's just me who is in denial and don't want to get there!
Cliche Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Advice? Listen to his actions, not his words. That being said, killing the hope is the really heartwrenching part, for me, in ending any relationship. I guess it is the sign of a true optimist. But damn, does it hurt. You'll get through, but I'm sorry you're going through this.
9Lives Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 You are right Tomcat. I do know what I need to do. It is just hard to let go. How can something so special can become such a waste? I thought we had something so one of a kind! I wish this sort of feeling would happen to me again. It is so special no matter how I look at it. NO matter how typical it is as many of us here will call it. It is just sad and hard to let go. I even find it hard to accept that talking to him causes me more harm than good but I know it is. And yes the longer I try to put it of ending it with him, I still cannot find the answer I want to hear! I think the closure is right there but it's just me who is in denial and don't want to get there! Walking away does not mean *he does not love you *he does not want to be with you *what you shared was a lie. What it means is he is married and that he cant give you a real R. You cant be open with your love and share your family as one. Thats not so bad. You got attached to someone who is not available. That's all. He needs to get his s/hit together. You are not the fall back girl. I know how you feel. Me and my xmm was very close and being without him seemed like a hell no in my mind. But I will tell you that if you really want him it may best to let it go for alot of reason. I know it is hell to do....cause I did it. I know you will have lots of doubts....cause I did for a while. I know you will feel like dying....cause I felt that way. But it will work out better in the long run. I think if I would have made this move, we would have been better off today. I did not make the move cause I was too weak and way too inlove. Now its over and I dont even talk to him. It was all messed up. It is not easy though
Author endless Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 Advice? Listen to his actions, not his words. That being said, killing the hope is the really heartwrenching part, for me, in ending any relationship. I guess it is the sign of a true optimist. But damn, does it hurt. You'll get through, but I'm sorry you're going through this. Thank you Cliche. And his action already spoke so loud! I wish I could just wake up and forget all the dreams, hope and memories I've been having about him.
Author endless Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 Walking away does not mean *he does not love you *he does not want to be with you *what you shared was a lie. What it means is he is married and that he cant give you a real R. You cant be open with your love and share your family as one. Thats not so bad. You got attached to someone who is not available. That's all. He needs to get his s/hit together. You are not the fall back girl. I know how you feel. Me and my xmm was very close and being without him seemed like a hell no in my mind. But I will tell you that if you really want him it may best to let it go for alot of reason. I know it is hell to do....cause I did it. I know you will have lots of doubts....cause I did for a while. I know you will feel like dying....cause I felt that way. But it will work out better in the long run. I think if I would have made this move, we would have been better off today. I did not make the move cause I was too weak and way too inlove. Now its over and I dont even talk to him. It was all messed up. It is not easy though 9Lives, thank you for your understanding. Your words are really comforting! The doubt part is killing me. All day long I keep wondering what is he thinking? Will he ever regret what we had? Why does he change his mind? ETC ETC.... I have to tell myself to "STOP!" It is so hard!!!!
9Lives Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 9Lives, thank you for your understanding. Your words are really comforting! The doubt part is killing me. All day long I keep wondering what is he thinking? Will he ever regret what we had? Why does he change his mind? ETC ETC.... I have to tell myself to "STOP!" It is so hard!!!! Yeah, it is torture. I will not lie to you. Really and truly the only way to get better emotionally and all is to let go and expect to go thru a tough time for a while. I SUFFERED. It has been 3 weeks now and I still have my mind on him and feel bad at times but it is not as intense as it use to be. I would cry in the morning, in the night, in the shower.....just a wreck. OUrs did not end well and neither one of us are proud of that. But he does not want to leave and I cant be the bottom b/itch!!
woe_is_me Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 Any words of wisdom to help me waking up???? I would really appreciate your comment even the hard ones. Actions speak louder than words.
IWALH Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 My A ended after D day. My MM sort of wakes up from A fantasy but still refuses to cut all contacts with me. It's been six months and we still talk on the phone occasionally - not as often as before - about 1-2 times a week. He doesn't share the story about his personal life with me as much as he used to but still manage to profess his love to me that I am the love of his life and he still dreams about life with me. Bla bla bla. I know I should go NC but I just cannot. Tried a hundred times but failed. We now live in the different country and no chance of whatsoever to run into each other again so I don't think it has to do with PA. When asked about how life is, these are some lines he told me the last few times we spoked: 1. Life is ok. Just going through the motion. 2. I am hanging in there. 3. W said she knows I still love you. And I HAVE MY HOPE UP!!!!!!! I know it's pathetic! I just can't help it! Any words of wisdom to help me waking up???? I would really appreciate your comment even the hard ones. FYI: MM never admits or confesses about having an affair and W knows who I am as we used to be inthe same community. This is easy. Stop talking to him. Period. You have no future with him, this is going to do nothing but bring you down. On a few occasions I have wondered what might have been said had I called him the next day or any time after we last spoke (which wasn't a call of closure by any means, he told me he loved me, etc) ... but then I come here, read over my story, read others' stories and those thoughts go right out of my head. MM are liars. They usually have some other mental issues as well. You don't want to truly associate yourself with someone like that. As soon as you get your head out of the clouds and get back into reality you will see that.
woe_is_me Posted August 12, 2007 Posted August 12, 2007 I wish this sort of feeling would happen to me again. No u don't!! and it can't! The only way to go down this/that road again is to have another affair with a married man..! And like another former OW in here said she'd rather poke needles in her own eye than put herself through that again! The way you are feeling are all symptoms of being involved in an A. You are still brainwashed and grieving... My xmm allowed himself the pleasure of maintaining lessening contact with me as he eased himself out of the affair yet didn't feel the need to tell me that that's what he was actually doing...reading TCs' post up there made me realise that...
Babybird Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I have often wondered what is it about us women that were/are in A's that turns us into someone we're not? I am a strong person, emotionally, intellectually, normally great ethics and with my MM I was a weak, insecure, whiny sap. I can't figure out why that is. Is it the challenge? The hope of getting this man that we can't have? The hope that he loves us enough to leave the W he is supposedly so miserable with? Beats me. Can figure it out. Endless: I will recommend NC too. You are better than this and deserve someone that can give you everything....but I know how hard it can be. Ask yourself if you really, truly believe that you have a chance to be together. Listen hard to your brain and your heart. If you hear an affirmative, enthusiastic yeas to the question than I think there is reason for hope. If you hear yourself say Nope! No way will this ever work between us then honey dig deep and find a way to move on. It'll be tough either way but you can do it. Find the person you were before you met him. Be strong, secure and confident in the fact that there is someone out there for you even if this doesn't work with MM.
Author endless Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 This is easy. Stop talking to him. Period. You have no future with him, this is going to do nothing but bring you down. On a few occasions I have wondered what might have been said had I called him the next day or any time after we last spoke (which wasn't a call of closure by any means, he told me he loved me, etc) ... but then I come here, read over my story, read others' stories and those thoughts go right out of my head. MM are liars. They usually have some other mental issues as well. You don't want to truly associate yourself with someone like that. As soon as you get your head out of the clouds and get back into reality you will see that. Thank you IWALH. It means a lot hearing it from you. You've been through so much as I always keep up with your story. I really admire that you come out this strong today. I hope to get to where you are soon. You sound much stronger ! You are right about "stop talking to him". It always makes me weaker after hearing that he still loves me and that he's been thinkning about me when we don't talk for a few days. It is so true about the "no future". I need to STOP! And need to do it now. As a matter of fact I have made a decision this past weekend about stop talking to him totally. What's the point right? It will just prolong the pain. When will it stop? Thank you so much IWALH.
Author endless Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 No u don't!! and it can't! The only way to go down this/that road again is to have another affair with a married man..! And like another former OW in here said she'd rather poke needles in her own eye than put herself through that again! The way you are feeling are all symptoms of being involved in an A. You are still brainwashed and grieving... My xmm allowed himself the pleasure of maintaining lessening contact with me as he eased himself out of the affair yet didn't feel the need to tell me that that's what he was actually doing...reading TCs' post up there made me realise that... Thank you for reminding me about that fact! I really DO NOT want to go down this same road again. I've learned so much and never want history to repeat! As far as the feeling that are symptoms of being involved in an A, I think you are right. Affairs create the thrill that seems so special and "one of a kind" but I guess that's why it's called "affair". It's forbidden. And it sucks!!! I am happy I wake up now though.
Author endless Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 I have often wondered what is it about us women that were/are in A's that turns us into someone we're not? I am a strong person, emotionally, intellectually, normally great ethics and with my MM I was a weak, insecure, whiny sap. I can't figure out why that is. Is it the challenge? The hope of getting this man that we can't have? The hope that he loves us enough to leave the W he is supposedly so miserable with? Beats me. Can figure it out. Endless: I will recommend NC too. You are better than this and deserve someone that can give you everything....but I know how hard it can be. Ask yourself if you really, truly believe that you have a chance to be together. Listen hard to your brain and your heart. If you hear an affirmative, enthusiastic yeas to the question than I think there is reason for hope. If you hear yourself say Nope! No way will this ever work between us then honey dig deep and find a way to move on. It'll be tough either way but you can do it. Find the person you were before you met him. Be strong, secure and confident in the fact that there is someone out there for you even if this doesn't work with MM. I really appreciate your comment. Especially the one about finding the person I was before I met him. That was the reason why he fell in love with me in the first place. Not that I need to regain myself back to the way it was for him but I love myself much more then. That's what matters most! Nope. I don't hear that affirmative and enthusiastic yes to my own hope. No matter how much I want to hear it. I can keep lying to myself forever but I need to stop. It's hard but NC is what I need. I don't need him to keep planting seeds of hope on me...anymore.
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