9Lives Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I have been doing NC for almost 3 weeks now...I know that is really not that long but I have been reading other post here just to see how everyone else is doing and to gain insight to the mess I just got out of. These are my thoughts. He is mainly not home during the week anymore so they are getting along now. I started missing him even more but when he came home on the weekends...I wasnt a priority....It was just terrible. I became annoying and needy very quickly and he began to tell me I get on his nerves. He told me to move on. He said he is tired and it was not going anywhere. It seems like the xMM always comes back to the ow after some time has pasted but not really for the right reasons though. I feel like my xmm is staying away for many reasons...not just one. One reason....he feels relieved to a certain degree two reason....he knows I want more and he cant do it. three reasons...dont have to deal with me and feels free. I know this sounds all bad but I know he really did NOT want to let me go but I was out of control emotionally and making a fool of myself and he started losing feelings for me as well. Though it hurts ....and it does really burn like hell. I have been feeling better thru the word of God. (I know...it is corny) But I gain strength thru the word for real. I know one day I will hear from him again. I dont know what we will say or think. we were very close at one time and I dont feel like we had true closure because we did not want to end like we did. It is just wierd. I was so inlove with him, I was not going to be able to break up with him so it was best he broke up with me. I just was too wrapped up in him and I wanted him so much and so bad. I still cry about it but I just keep moving on. it just ridiculous
GreenEyedLady Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 9lives... Do whatever it is that helps you heal...Reflect on yourself and what this has taught you...And decide ahead of time what you will do when/if he contacts you... Do not feel bad for making your needs known...You deserve a R that is give and take-not one person only taking and one person only giving...A R that is built on both partners needs being met and no fear in communicating your true needs...otherwise the R is just an act, for at least one of the participants... A's are emotionally draining...it is no wonder that you were out of control...Now take a step back and really see what was going on... So much of the focus here at LS is: Will he leave? When will he leave? I really think the focus should be: Is he the right partner for me? Perhaps when you are free you will be able to see what you could not when you were wrapped up in the storm that so many A's become... You will survive...it will hurt...you will doubt yourself...but you will make it through... (((HUGS)))
Author 9Lives Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 9lives... A's are emotionally draining...it is no wonder that you were out of control...Now take a step back and really see what was going on... (((HUGS))) A are very emotionally draining. i was so down and out. I was moody and distant. I was sooo down. I was hurting even though I was with him. I just couldnt let him go. I wanted to but I really really could not do it. And when he did it...I cried dAY AND NIGHT. I was crushed. But it needed to happen. We were not doing well. I was a mess all the way around.
whichwayisup Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Him ending it was the best thing for both of you. In time, when you're feeling abit better, you will see that very clearly. Sure, it'll still hurt alot being without him, but honestly, from what I've read from you already - YOU will come out of this fine. A weight will be lifted off of your shoulders.
Author 9Lives Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Him ending it was the best thing for both of you. In time, when you're feeling abit better, you will see that very clearly. Sure, it'll still hurt alot being without him, but honestly, from what I've read from you already - YOU will come out of this fine. A weight will be lifted off of your shoulders. This is true. (sigh)....speechless.
Geishawhelk Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 So much of the focus here at LS is: Will he leave? When will he leave? I really think the focus should be: Is he the right partner for me? No, I think the focus should be: What do I want? What would make me fulfilled in the long run? We cannot count on anyone else's co-operation to engender our happiness. We cannot count on anyone else to create or feed our Joy, serenity, tranquility or peace of mind. nobody can make or feed our happiness but us. Nobody can be responsible for how we feel, but us. Even if we find the "right" partner, the s.h.1.t hits the fan at times, and things go belly up, so the right partner is still no guarantee. Focus should be inward, not outward. because just as we can't expect outside sources to give us what we want, when we want it (all of the time) so we similarly cannot do the same for others. everyone has their own agenda. The trick is to rise above that of others, concentrate on our own, and find true, enduring happiness by being true to ourselves. In a kind, wise and compassionate way. 'Nuff said.
PoshPrincess Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 These are my thoughts. He is mainly not home during the week anymore so they are getting along now. I started missing him even more but when he came home on the weekends...I wasnt a priority....It was just terrible. I became annoying and needy very quickly and he began to tell me I get on his nerves. He told me to move on. Yeah, been there 9Lives. I feel for you. It is all so painful. I ended up getting very needy too. MM always admired my independance and strength. I was the always the strong one in our R but then all of a sudden the balance shifted and I became an emotional wreck. That's when MM had to get out. He also told me to move on. One reason....he feels relieved to a certain degree two reason....he knows I want more and he cant do it. three reasons...dont have to deal with me and feels free. I agree with all three. My exMM definitely felt relieved, he was sick to death of all the sneaking around and lying and hurting people. He also hated hurting me because he knew I wanted more from him and although he said he wanted more with me too he was not able to give it to me for obvious reasons. I definitely think they have trouble dealing with it all once we become needy. With my exMM he had so many problems at home (not just with his W) that spending time with me was a release, but then that changed once I became more dependant on our R. GEL is right. We should be straight about how we feel. There's no point in pretending that we're not bothered when we are, but I sometimes wonder if I had been stronger and less pushy would he have stuck around? No point wondering though........ I know this sounds all bad but I know he really did NOT want to let me go but I was out of control emotionally and making a fool of myself and he started losing feelings for me as well. It doesn't sound bad. It's true. Totally the same as my sitch! I do think MM came to the end of his tether with me when my emotions were all over the place and I can't really blame him. Who would want to be dealing with some crying, hysterical woman every day! Though it hurts ....and it does really burn like hell. I have been feeling better thru the word of God. (I know...it is corny) But I gain strength thru the word for real. I know one day I will hear from him again. I dont know what we will say or think. we were very close at one time and I dont feel like we had true closure because we did not want to end like we did. It is just wierd. I was so inlove with him, I was not going to be able to break up with him so it was best he broke up with me. I just was too wrapped up in him and I wanted him so much and so bad. I still cry about it but I just keep moving on. it just ridiculous It is good that he ended it with you rather than the other way round although sometimes I found that when I was initiating NC I felt quite empowered. Not the same now though as he doesn't even attempt to contact me!!! The 'no closure' is the worse thing. I didn't have that either. What I really needed was for him to say he no longer loved me and that he was happy with his W but he never did! Well done with NC and keep up the good work. Mine is 6 weeks tomorrow!
Author 9Lives Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Well I am glad SOMEONE understand. I was a wreck. Him doing it was better than me doing it for some reason. I cant figure out why that is the case but I had asked him to break it off with me once before and he wont do it. I think it gave me hope when he wouldnt break up with me....I took it like he was still trying to work it out or something like that. He finally got fed up with me and said forget it!! Just crazy. I know he misses me.
Author 9Lives Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 I understand how you all feel that's what happen with me and MM , he had just became tired it's hard to keep 2 woman happy and I think when we start out with MM OW are happy loving think highly of our self but than as the months go by we start to lose the very thing the MM guy loved about us happy go lucky person we become messes waiting and wanting . I started running hot and cold all the time , even when we had loving nights just enjoying each other I would some how ask a ??? about W and Kids and I think back I never asked a ??? like that a year ago , I was thinking if I became apart of his other lfe not that I ever could but by talk about things he would with his W that maybe he could see me fitting in his life better ... but we shloud dont that as OW we have to give them what they want a love that is free and easy and not crying all the time because he dosn't want 2 wifes he doesnt even want one !! for some MM . and YES that doesnt sould like a real BF GF relaitionship but guess that WE aren't and will not be anytime soon . Me and MY MM are happy together we love each other but he isnt going any where right now so we are taking things day by day I am dating other people. me and MM talk and see each other whenever we can but we are doing thing like we did when we 1st statred no set time to call anymore we go with the flow If did the hot and cold thing much longer than he would be gone. I dont think we will get married but I love him enough to have him in my life like all my friends . Just keep your eyes open for a good guy and keep your MM as someone you love to spend time with and take it day by day let them call you all the time play alittle hard to get . Change the way you look at things and than you can feel better and free yourself of them little by little and not cold turkey .. well it what works for me may not for you but thats how I have been thinking lately and it feels good and he is also blowing up my phone :>) nice how the table turns. Yeah the hot and cold, the crying and all that was the turn off for him. I dont want to play his game so I choose to just let do NC until I can really have him a JUST A FRIEND. I dont want to be his bottom b/itch as I call it. One day we will talk again. We were very close at one time. I am dating other guys and i love it!!! We are both free to do what we want and not have to deal witht he "other" stuff like his f/ucking family bull and what not. I dont give a damm about your family. I could care less. So with that being said, I needed to move on. He made me that way....when your other life is over shadowing my time with you....my affection and emotions are going in different directions....then I dont care about what is keeping you away from me. I love him and I still do. I just dont want to play this game. He is not worth it. These men are feeling one way then...feeling another way. You can be acting right and they still have these emotions and what not so. I dont want to trust my heart to it right now.
NeverLate Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 9 Lives I feel your pain. I have been in NC since January. While things have improved over the months, I still find myself looking to see if she (xOW) has called or emailed or any kind of sign that she misses me or thinks about me. It has been a hard road to hoe but in the end I will come out on top. I am the one who initiated NC and now I am in control. The comment about being inward focus is so true. You have to work on yourself and be responsible for your own life and happines. If you rely on someone else even if they have the best of intentions you may end up on the short end of the stick. It is easy to say all of this especially on a website in practice it is really hard to do. I have come so close to calling her or emailing her so many times but I havent because if I did I would lose control. The way I look at it she didnt want me so why should I spend all of the energy on someone who doesnt care about me??? The answer in my opinion, is obvious. Now you need to move forward and be happy and successful in your life and by living your life in victory he will see that it was YOU who didnt need him after all. Keep it up! NL
outofdarkness Posted August 13, 2007 Posted August 13, 2007 I have been doing NC for almost 3 weeks now...I know that is really not that long but I have been reading other post here just to see how everyone else is doing and to gain insight to the mess I just got out of. These are my thoughts. He is mainly not home during the week anymore so they are getting along now. I started missing him even more but when he came home on the weekends...I wasnt a priority....It was just terrible. I became annoying and needy very quickly and he began to tell me I get on his nerves. He told me to move on. He said he is tired and it was not going anywhere. It seems like the xMM always comes back to the ow after some time has pasted but not really for the right reasons though. I feel like my xmm is staying away for many reasons...not just one. One reason....he feels relieved to a certain degree two reason....he knows I want more and he cant do it. three reasons...dont have to deal with me and feels free. I know this sounds all bad but I know he really did NOT want to let me go but I was out of control emotionally and making a fool of myself and he started losing feelings for me as well. Though it hurts ....and it does really burn like hell. I have been feeling better thru the word of God. (I know...it is corny) But I gain strength thru the word for real. I know one day I will hear from him again. I dont know what we will say or think. we were very close at one time and I dont feel like we had true closure because we did not want to end like we did. It is just wierd. I was so inlove with him, I was not going to be able to break up with him so it was best he broke up with me. I just was too wrapped up in him and I wanted him so much and so bad. I still cry about it but I just keep moving on. it just ridiculous You are so on target saying that you are finding solice in The Word of God!!! It's so refreshing to see someone actually POST this...Just sit back and let the Lord take care of you..You are not running the show, HE is...meaning God, and rest assured, HE will take good care of you...I will pray for you tonight and hope that you find some relief from the pain that you are feeling now.. ood
Author 9Lives Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 You are so on target saying that you are finding solice in The Word of God!!! It's so refreshing to see someone actually POST this...Just sit back and let the Lord take care of you..You are not running the show, HE is...meaning God, and rest assured, HE will take good care of you...I will pray for you tonight and hope that you find some relief from the pain that you are feeling now.. ood I not a religious person so it was strange how it happen. This was so painful deeply inside and HE took me thru it for real. I have to give my the Glory cause HE DID IT. I cant give no one else the credit. THAT'S REAL TALK. Im not completely over it yet but it is not as hard. I learned that God is the one who TRULY has my back. Men lie, cheat, and lie and cheat some more...EVEN IF THEY CLAIM THEY LOVE THEIR WIVES SOOOOO MUCH. The still want to dip that happy stick in someone else. MEN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO DO. Most of them have no regard for their actions. I see it in so many of them and they pass that same bull on to their sons. I am not trying to put Men down but that is they way Most of them are. Single...married....gay...whatever...THEY DO WHAT THE HELL THEY WANT TO DO.
Author 9Lives Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 9 Lives I feel your pain. I have been in NC since January. While things have improved over the months, I still find myself looking to see if she (xOW) has called or emailed or any kind of sign that she misses me or thinks about me. It has been a hard road to hoe but in the end I will come out on top. I am the one who initiated NC and now I am in control. The comment about being inward focus is so true. You have to work on yourself and be responsible for your own life and happines. If you rely on someone else even if they have the best of intentions you may end up on the short end of the stick. It is easy to say all of this especially on a website in practice it is really hard to do. I have come so close to calling her or emailing her so many times but I havent because if I did I would lose control. The way I look at it she didnt want me so why should I spend all of the energy on someone who doesnt care about me??? The answer in my opinion, is obvious. Now you need to move forward and be happy and successful in your life and by living your life in victory he will see that it was YOU who didnt need him after all. Keep it up! NL Well he text me on Sunday to say how I am doing and to say hi. I told him "STILL HURTING ...but that is no longer your concern. He said..."I'm still concerned for you...it that okay. We had small text talk from there and that was it. I dont know what to think. I am thinking about not taking anymore text. I really want to be friends one day. I really do. I just have too many feelings right now. :(
GreenEyedLady Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 I really want to be friends one day. I really do. I just have too many feelings right now. :( I am curious...why do you really want to be friends with him?
Author 9Lives Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 I am curious...why do you really want to be friends with him? Because I think if we could really be friends, it would be cool. I like him as a person. I just dont want to love him in this way anymore. I dont want to desire something I cant have. We would make good friends if that was possible. It might be too hard. Maybe if I find someone I truly love, it would be easy..Not really sure yet. I was surprised he contacted me. Do you think I should not have told him I was still hurting?????
GreenEyedLady Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Because I think if we could really be friends, it would be cool. I like him as a person. I just dont want to love him in this way anymore. I dont want to desire something I cant have. We would make good friends if that was possible. It might be too hard. Maybe if I find someone I truly love, it would be easy..Not really sure yet. I was surprised he contacted me. Do you think I should not have told him I was still hurting????? I don't know your MM or how you met him...but I doubt the friendship would be possible because of the romantic entanglement and the fact that he's married...Too easy to fall back into the physical R... Don't doubt yourself, if you told him you're hurting, you're being honest... But next time...text him that you are having the time of your life and enjoying your freedom...that always KILLS them...:bunny: You're doing fine...this is difficult...but you will come out of this a stronger person...listen to what your brain and heart tells you...decide your path and do not depart from it... (((HUGS)))
Author 9Lives Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 I don't know your MM or how you met him...but I doubt the friendship would be possible because of the romantic entanglement and the fact that he's married...Too easy to fall back into the physical R... Don't doubt yourself, if you told him you're hurting, you're being honest... But next time...text him that you are having the time of your life and enjoying your freedom...that always KILLS them...:bunny: You're doing fine...this is difficult...but you will come out of this a stronger person...listen to what your brain and heart tells you...decide your path and do not depart from it... (((HUGS))) You are always so encouraging. I was thinking next time I would not respond at all. I think that will make him nervous cause I think he thinks he can come back whenever he gets ready so that might make him wonder a bit. Then if he tries again...I will throw your lines on him.///Your thoughts?
GreenEyedLady Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 You are always so encouraging. I was thinking next time I would not respond at all. I think that will make him nervous cause I think he thinks he can come back whenever he gets ready so that might make him wonder a bit. Then if he tries again...I will throw your lines on him.///Your thoughts? I think that is a good plan...Ignore him...and if he persists, always, always, make your response time at least a good 24 hours after the text...I think 48 is better, but do what you can... And decide ahead of time if you can handle the contact...it may put you right back where you don't want to be... If you are certain that you never want to be with him again, change your number and contact info... Because in my experience, they always come back, eventually...
lovernotafighter Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 yes, they all come back and it seems to me MM's can sense when you are really gone and when you are not.. I played the game, I lost. but when my feelings for him really truly change in my heart did he come back and try to change at least my point of view of him to a degree but before then he was a unmovable rock cause I would always be there. don't play the game 9L you are giving him far to much control and he knows it.
RealityCheck Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 yes, they all come back and it seems to me MM's can sense when you are really gone and when you are not.. I played the game, I lost. but when my feelings for him really truly change in my heart did he come back and try to change at least my point of view of him to a degree but before then he was a unmovable rock cause I would always be there. don't play the game 9L you are giving him far to much control and he knows it. Gosh yes! They always come back! That is truth! I didn't have to go to the extent of changing email addy's or my phone number because the exMM got my message loud and clear. I will say, I ran into him 6 months later at a store that was out in God's country of all places. Posture perfect, big smile and all he said "well helllllooooo there"! I looked and walked. Ugh! Felt nothing! na..da! I am sure if I would have so much as licked my lips he would have taken that as an open door. He left the building and when I was walking through the parking lot I could see him leaned over his steering wheel following me with his stares until I left. Yes! They will always come back! That is of course, if you allow it!
Author 9Lives Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 yes, they all come back and it seems to me MM's can sense when you are really gone and when you are not.. I played the game, I lost. but when my feelings for him really truly change in my heart did he come back and try to change at least my point of view of him to a degree but before then he was a unmovable rock cause I would always be there. don't play the game 9L you are giving him far to much control and he knows it. I dont really want to turn this into a game so I understand what you are saying. I agree. I think he text me to make himself feel better since I was on his mind. That's all. Yeah he knows I am still there somewhere. But getting me back is going to take more that a text here and there....some conversations of how we was and all of that. I'm not going back into the trap of his s/hit. I am coming out and changin all of that.
Author 9Lives Posted August 14, 2007 Author Posted August 14, 2007 I think that is a good plan...Ignore him...and if he persists, always, always, make your response time at least a good 24 hours after the text...I think 48 is better, but do what you can... And decide ahead of time if you can handle the contact...it may put you right back where you don't want to be... If you are certain that you never want to be with him again, change your number and contact info... Because in my experience, they always come back, eventually... I really want to move forward because after he text in to say a simple hi and that was it...it tells me he dont really want to change anything in his life. He is where he wants to be. I will have to learn to accept that.
BurriedAlive Posted August 14, 2007 Posted August 14, 2007 Gosh yes! They always come back! That is truth! Has anyone ever had experience where MM never even bothered to contact xOW ever again? It has been 4 months of NC for me. I still see him on occasion where we may pass each other on the road and he doesn't acknowledges me. He threw me under the wheels of the bus without as much as an explanation. He just stopped talking to me. His life has resumed exactly the same, mine has been turned around 360. Is it possible that I may be that exception?
GreenEyedLady Posted August 15, 2007 Posted August 15, 2007 Has anyone ever had experience where MM never even bothered to contact xOW ever again? It has been 4 months of NC for me. I still see him on occasion where we may pass each other on the road and he doesn't acknowledges me. He threw me under the wheels of the bus without as much as an explanation. He just stopped talking to me. His life has resumed exactly the same, mine has been turned around 360. Is it possible that I may be that exception? There are a couple on here that were never contacted again...I think that in those cases the MM has made a real committment to the M and is really reconciling his M with his W... I'm sorry that your life was affected so adversely...but your post shows how strong you truly are... (((HUGS)))
Author 9Lives Posted August 15, 2007 Author Posted August 15, 2007 Has anyone ever had experience where MM never even bothered to contact xOW ever again? It has been 4 months of NC for me. I still see him on occasion where we may pass each other on the road and he doesn't acknowledges me. He threw me under the wheels of the bus without as much as an explanation. He just stopped talking to me. His life has resumed exactly the same, mine has been turned around 360. Is it possible that I may be that exception? a friend of mines said it was 9 months but he...called ..as usual
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