AshleyH Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Don't let the name fool you.. I'm a guy. And the thread-title filter is being a bit too harsh... "How to help someone in a bad spot?" was what it was meant to be. I don't want to go into too much detail, but suffice to say I have a friend who's in trouble.. who doesn't seem to realize she's in trouble. At least, it's trouble as I see it. We'll call her Kay. Kay's in a relationship with this guy, we'll call him Bob. Bob's a dropout with no money and no prospects. This is the primary reason why Kay's family is so negative about the whole thing. To make a long story short, Kay has inexplicably become so mentally dependant on Bob that she can't see the forest for the trees. He controls her every movement, forbids her from even talking to anyone who might speak negatively about him, steals from her family to scrounge money, makes her pawn off her own stuff (while never offering to sell his own) and has now convinced her to move clear across the country with him to live in a broken-down trailer in the middle of nowhere. In fact, they left just this morning, by train. With nothing but the clothes on their back, not even any money for food. And he lied to her to get her on that train... told her his father was in the hospital and likely dying, and that this was their "last chance" to get away. He also lied to her and told her that he had already talked to her mother this morning about the whole thing. Neither one is true.. his father isn't sick or dying, and her mother was stunned when Kay called her to tell her they were getting on the train. Although no one knows the specifics of their conversations these last few months, it's quite likely that he's lied to her about a lot of things. Everyone who looks at the situation from the outside sees the same thing... "wife-beater in training". Bear in mind that Kay is fairly young, only a couple years out of high school (Bob, of course, has been out of school for near a decade, despite his only being two years older than she is). We're all convinced that if she goes through with this, that she'll end up trapped there, a slave to his whims, popping out a kid once a year, not even able to call for help. That once she's living alone with him, far from family or friends, that he'll effectively cut her off entirely from outside influences that might try to turn her away from him. That she won't be able to get away. He seems desperate to keep her from talking to anyone who has the even a remote capability of changing her mind. Myself included. Kay and I go way back, long before she ever met Bob. We haven't seen each other in several years, but I'm one of the few people in this world that she truly trusts. Our relationship was exceptionally close, but never romantic. Bob seemed to get desperate when he realized I was taking an interest in this situation, and came up with this last-ditch plan to get her out of town before I could arrive to talk to her face to face (which I was planning to do next week). Now, she knows that he lied to her to get her on the train, and she's apparently furious with him. But we're not convinced that it will be enough to get her to see even a smidgen of reason. That he might have smoothed the whole thing over by the time they arrive at their destination in a couple days' time (where Kay's mother will be waiting for them at the station). I was talking to a friend of mine about this, and he brought up the point that some women (and I'm not making a generalization here) feel that they must be a part of a relationship. Unwilling to be alone, they'd rather be in a bad relationship than to not have a relationship at all. That maybe, after being together for so long, that she feels that she has to make it work no matter what. Especially as this is her first long-term relationship.. she may think that because they've been together for so long (although it's been less than two years), that it's "right". The question is... how do you talk someone out of an abusive relationship when they don't even seem to be aware that it IS an abusive relationship? And it is abusive... everyone except her can see it, and she won't listen. Just because he doesn't beat her up (that we're aware of) doesn't mean it's not abusive.. not when you force your "loved one" to do only what you want them to do with no consideration for them. Also bear in mind that I've yet to actually talk to her about this. In fact, I haven't talked to her at all... he won't allow it. I desperately want to help her, try to get her to see things from outside.. to look at him as he really is, and not as she wants him to be. But how to do it?
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 You'd be wasting your time trying to fight through the fog of love. Don't try to understand it; 2000 years of Western Lit should be enough to tell you simply that the heart wants what the heart wants. Best thing to do as a friend is to make sure she has your contact info in case she needs help (and she will!) at some point down the road... Mr. Lucky
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