yergawd Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Was going through GFs "junk Drawer" and came across pics of her exhusband and her, (Wal-mart portrait type) and a love letter card. This bothers me a lot. Ok, yes I know we all have a past, I was no angel either.Do me a favor, stop reading, and think what you would say in response........ THX The story continues: Through out the house there are things that I want to throw out, namely all her lingere from her married days (I don't want her to wear the same stuff she wore to entice him) down to the coffee table in the living room. I know this is weird but stop reading, and think what you would say in response........ THX The reason I keep saying this is I want to know what you think is this normal? Has anyone felt like this in a relationship. OK here comes the bomb and I didn't want this to affect your answers. I wanted you to be able to say quit being a dumb*ss, get over it, or completely normal. I HATE (there's no word strong enough here) that SOB, he would beat her on a regular the reason I dislike the table is he broke it, with her back and legs. I don't understand why she hasn't burnt everything from that relationship. She had said he was bi-polar and some days were great and others were well you read it already. I am a student of psych but when it comes to looking at my own life or those close to me I can't be objective at all. So respond to first and second paragraphs are these feelings normal? Can you relate? Then the bomb.
Capricciosa Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I think the photo and letter are bothersome, but inevitable. Why were you looking in that drawer to begin with? She has a right to those memories, no matter what you think of them, but they need to be kept out of your face. Discretion is key here, and you should not go searching for evidence. (I had a bf who kept naked pix of his ex on the cellphone we shared--not cool). Lingerie? Are we talking seductive kind, or stuff she wears every day? Do you still wear the underwear you wore in your last relationship? Do you like the lingerie on her? I don't know. I understand, I have been jealous, I've wanted a complete eradication of the past, but is this reasonable? If it really bugs you and you can't put it out of your mind, I think she should accommodate you and get rid of it. Or put it away until a different time in your relationship. Finally, the table: I'm all for getting rid of the violent table. I thought you were overreacting until you explained the cause of your discomfort with it. Burn the table I say. Go to a flea market and buy her another one maybe? Good luck.
Author yergawd Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 The reason I was in her drawer is we live together and I was cleaning the house. There's been junk everywhere since I moved in, and I was putting stuff away when I put some stuff in her drawer and noticed some cool stuff, like her modeling pics. I am an amatuer photographer so instantly I was excited. I don't have any great pics of her so I went through her portfolio of slide looking to choose some. I know she's entitled to her memories, but I guess I don't under stand why she wants to keep pics and a love letter (specifically with the lines "I love you and I am sorry you have to put up with my horrific side") The thought of someone hurting her bothers me to the core. If it were me they'd be tossed a long time ago. Yes it's sexy lingere and other sleep wear. No, she doesn't wear it for me but there it is, hanging in our closet. Do I bring it up, and ask her bluntly? Do I tell her how much it bothers me? Is it my right?
Road Rage Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 She`s just your girlfriend. Maybe in her mind you have not reached that exalted status yet where you can have a say in these things. She could be holding on to it all to give you incentive to take the relationship to the next level where such matters are relevant. It is her stuff and her decision.
jcster Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Sorry, I don't follow instructions well - so I read all three at once. Here's the germ of what I think you are getting at: Your girlfriend has momentos and various items left over from her marriage to a bipolar, abusive, husband. You can't for the life of you understand WHY she would want reminders of this relationship. You can't stand the fact that she still has these items, and feel that she has some sort of residual feeling for the guy (whom you hate, due to his actions). That's understandable. And, you're correct, she still wants the momentos and probably still has residual feelings for the guy - why? Because he was her husband, and at one time they were happy and in love. You can't stand the thought of the guy, but she does not feel the same way. But You ARE going to have to get over it. It wasn't your husband, you haven't lived her life, and you have no right to judge her. Over time, she will digest her past, and those mementos will start disappearing. You can't rush that digestion. If you want to have a relationship with her, you are going to have to respect her thoughts and feelings and let her follow her own timeline. It's NOT about YOU.
Arizona100 Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Have you talked to her about any of those things that bother you? I would leave the pic topic aside though. I know I'm a packrat and I keep stuff from my past too. Eventually I get rid of them when I don't need their "comfort" anymore.
annabelle75 Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Sorry, I don't follow instructions well - so I read all three at once. Here's the germ of what I think you are getting at: Your girlfriend has momentos and various items left over from her marriage to a bipolar, abusive, husband. You can't for the life of you understand WHY she would want reminders of this relationship. You can't stand the fact that she still has these items, and feel that she has some sort of residual feeling for the guy (whom you hate, due to his actions). That's understandable. And, you're correct, she still wants the momentos and probably still has residual feelings for the guy - why? Because he was her husband, and at one time they were happy and in love. You can't stand the thought of the guy, but she does not feel the same way. But You ARE going to have to get over it. It wasn't your husband, you haven't lived her life, and you have no right to judge her. Over time, she will digest her past, and those mementos will start disappearing. You can't rush that digestion. If you want to have a relationship with her, you are going to have to respect her thoughts and feelings and let her follow her own timeline. It's NOT about YOU. Excellent advice. Exactly what I was thinking. To add to the above, I was once in a bad marriage as well. I still have photos of my exH, infact I have one on my desk in front of me right now. Why? Because it was a good memory. Part of healing is accepting that the person that hurt you wasn't all bad and allowing yourself to have fond memories of the good parts of the relationship. If you don't do that you end up trapped in a cycle of not being able to trust your own judgement. You think to yourself, "how could I have loved some one who was so rotten and did nothing but cause me pain?" It can really wear you down and do alot of damage to future relationships. Maybe it isn't about her not letting go, and more about her healing to a point where she isn't afraid to remember the good. Also- I still have all my lingerie form my marriage. When I see it or wear it I don't associate it with him. I keep it because i look fabulous in it.
annabelle75 Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 And on more thing ..... about the coffee table ..... Have you ever consider the fact that much like her, that table was broken during their marriage? And like her they are both now OK. Perhaps she does have an emotional attachment to it. Just not for the reasons you might suspect. Or maybe she just liked that coffee table and didn't want to let that bastard take it from her. :shrugs: That's enough of my armchair psycological evalution for the day. Just thought I'd throw a few things out there for you to think about.
Arizona100 Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Part of healing is accepting that the person that hurt you wasn't all bad and allowing yourself to have fond memories of the good parts of the relationship. If you don't do that you end up trapped in a cycle of not being able to trust your own judgement. You think to yourself, "how could I have loved some one who was so rotten and did nothing but cause me pain?" It can really wear you down and do alot of damage to future relationships. That is so true.
Author yergawd Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 Sorry, I don't follow instructions well - so I read all three at once. Here's the germ of what I think you are getting at: Your girlfriend has momentos and various items left over from her marriage to a bipolar, abusive, husband. You can't for the life of you understand WHY she would want reminders of this relationship. You can't stand the fact that she still has these items, and feel that she has some sort of residual feeling for the guy (whom you hate, due to his actions). That's understandable. And, you're correct, she still wants the momentos and probably still has residual feelings for the guy - why? Because he was her husband, and at one time they were happy and in love. You can't stand the thought of the guy, but she does not feel the same way. But You ARE going to have to get over it. It wasn't your husband, you haven't lived her life, and you have no right to judge her. Over time, she will digest her past, and those mementos will start disappearing. You can't rush that digestion. If you want to have a relationship with her, you are going to have to respect her thoughts and feelings and let her follow her own timeline. It's NOT about YOU. Jcstr You definitely make me see the obvious. I may not like your answers all the time, but I have to say you are good at getting past the emotions and putting it in black and white. THANKS
jcster Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I may not like your answers all the time, but I have to say you are good at getting past the emotions and putting it in black and white. Welcome to my world! I generally don't like my own answers, either. I'm glad it helped.
Capricciosa Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Alright, there is a lot of good advice here about letting someone hang onto their memories if they need to, for the time they need to. I actually found a letter from my first love a couple of weeks ago that said, "I'm really glad I didn't do more harm to you," and it was really interesting after all these years to see that he was actually aware and sorry about what he had been up to at the time. This may be a clue to the saved letter. At the same time I am all for the new partner being somewhat protected from the other's past in a reasonable manner. Put the lingerie in a box in the basement, store away letters and photos for the time being, until new partner feels more secure in the relationship. I think it's ok to ask for this. Isn't it all about accommodating each other after all?
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