Living_For_Me Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I'll keep the intro brief. Basically i was dating my ex for 3.5 years. It ended because she developed feelings for another guy. I ended it on the spot as soon as i had enough supporting evidence and made a huge mistake of not sticking to my guns and begging her to take me back. She gave the old favourite "i need time to think" and it extended the agony by months. She would call every 3 - 4 weeks claiming she wanted me back but when i even hinted at the chance i might consider it, she changed her tune real quick. This went on for about 6 months before i told her to stop contacting me because i'm tired of her games. Now on to the actual issue. Over the 3.5 years i became extremely close to her family and siblings. I loved them like they were my own family. Her sister e-mailed me a few times over the past 6 months saying i should catch up with her and her husband (her husband and i were great mates). It's been months since the last e-mail and i received an e-mail today saying how her and husband would love to catch up with me. My problem is that her promises to catch up seem much like my ex's (her sister) attempts to keep me dangling on a string with no real intention to ever really reconcile. The truth is i would love to catch up with them, but i'm conscious that they just want to keep in the picture for my ex.........just incase. Should i meet up with my ex's sister and her husband? OR Should i just reply to the e-mail and tell her that the damage her sister did was far too great and that for me to truly erase her from my mind i need to forget everything that even remotely reminds me of her, even as much as it pains me to do so. Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I'm going through this right now, but on the opposite side so I might be able to give you insight from a different angle. Do NOT continue to hang out with her family. One, it sounds like you need to get over her, and to do that, you need no contact with your ex and no contact with people who will likely bring up your ex in conversation. That totally includes her family. Two, your ex's new dates and anyone you start to date will not appreciate you hanging out with her family. Here's my situation so you can see why trying to be buddy-buddy with the ex's familiy is a no-no. When I started dating my fiance, he lived with his ex (even though they had been broken up for a year and a half when we met- they were still friends). She was constantly in the picture since they lived together. The month before we met, actually she spent Christmas with his family. After we met, she would bake banana bread for his mom and do weird stuff like that. I did not like it one bit. About two months in, he had a talk with her and told her that things were going to change. She was no longer allowed to come to family functions, etc. Her friends apparently said that he had no right to tell her that she can't hang out with his family. They're totally wrong. Of course he has the right. It's HIS family. Anyway, we hadn't heard from her from awhile, but then a few weeks ago she sends my soon-to-be nephew a birthday card with a $25 gift card in it. Geesh- can't she just leave us alone?!?!?!? So that's why you don't want to hang out with her family! Now I realize that they're ASKING you to hang out, but I still don't think it's a good idea. My fiance's ex's sister did the same thing- she asked my man to hang out because he's friends with her husband (and has been since high school) but he doesn't want to. It sucks, but you gotta move on.
funkybassplayer Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 i dunno, if you were friends then why not? as long as you make a point of not talking about the ex, and you truly would like to hang out with them cos they were friends and you miss them, and it wont make you feel sad, then do it! Why should you give up people in your life b/c of some1 else??? i hate when people say you have to give up him or her b/c it really is selfish, and you may find that the buck wont stop at people. At the end of the day, you must do what you feel is right, but no one has the right to tell you who you can be freinds with.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 i dunno, if you were friends then why not? Were you friends with her sister's husband BEFORE you dated her? It didn't sound like from your post that you were but maybe I am mistaken. If you were, then it MIGHT be okay for you to continue to hang out with him. I would not have been too upset if my fiance continued to hang out with his ex's brother-in-law because they were friends since high school, however he chose to end that friendship too because he wants nothing AT ALL to do with her. But for you, it might be different. On the other hand, if you met this guy through her, all bets are off. That relationship is another casualty, sorry to say. I know it sucks- I've been there too! Everyone has. I miss grandparents of exes etc. but I can't act on any of that! It would be highly inappropriate.
funkybassplayer Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I dunno it depends. I still get cards from my exs grandparents, and i think its cool. I have always been a beliver that some1 new who walks in your life has no right what so ever to dictate who cant and can be in your life. and if they do then they have inscuritys of thier own, and will lead to other problems. I guess if it more than friends then yes there is cause for concern, but this says that they havent yet let go, and its best to stay clear anyway, but if two people are just freinds then so what?? If it would hurt me to see her family members then i would deline, but if it would'nt then why not. I mean people meet people all the time, and we are all different. My ex's eldest daughter has me as an msn contact. I never will initate chat, but if she wants to talk then fine, i really dont care eighter way. I guess you have to know whats right for you, as every situation is different, and things happen for a reason.
Balalaika Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I think if would help you if you got a sense of what the bigger picture might be for you here. The common denominator between you and these people is your ex, that will never change.... So the question is, is this girl someone you would want in your life as a friend in the long run?. If so, then catch up... however (!), make it crystal clear before you meet, that the only term that it's your best interest for catching up has to be that your ex's name is not mentioned in anyway, shape or form. You hope they understand but that's how it has to be for you right now. If she's someone whom you really just no longer like as a person, hence will never again have a place in your life, cut your losses. Fact is you can't seperate one from the other long term (ie her from her family), it would be very difficult to continue to have these people in your life if you don't have any desire to have her in your life. I had a similar situation. Dated a guy friend of a girlfriend. Guy behaved badly, I didn't want anything more to do with him. Set the term of not discussing him between us in order to keep our friendship, but it didn't work out for me for lots of reasons. One being that even though *I* didn't want any mention or discussion of him when I was with her, *he* was discussing me with her when they caught up. He knew how and what I was doing, I didn't want him knowing how and what I was doing. She ended up being his puppet to get to me. I had no desire nor any right to tell her not to discuss me with him, after all, he was her friend too. In the end it just got way too messy with lies and caused more hurt. I think the possibility is there for these situations to work out, it just takes maturity and respect.
funkybassplayer Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 yes the above is right, and it just depends if the ex is no more than a friend or some1 that you really dont care for and if thats the case then yes, as it will have no negitive effect to you at all, but seeing as you are here, it says it may do.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I don't think someone can truly move on when their life is still enmeshed with lives closely associated with their ex (unless he and the ex are on good terms). Having said that, I am still close friends with one of my exes. We broke up several years ago after being together for four years because we realized we were really just friends. I run into his twin brother sometimes too because he works about a mile from my house. But this situation sounds different than what he's describing. He isn't friends with his ex. They didn't break up under friendly circumstances, and she drew out the agony by six more months during which time he probably acrued alot of resentment toward her. And anyway, it's not like the guy was his best friend. The email said they'd love to catch up sometime. I still don't think it's worth it. It will stir up problems that you just don't need. I am living this crap right now. Please, please, please! I wish my ex's fiance would just leave our family alone. We're getting married in two months, and she's like a bad penny. No one in the family WANTS her around, but she leaves myspace notes occasionally and that darn birthday card the other day. Another weird thing she's done lately is to post a picture on her myspace page of the two of them, taken years ago when they were still dating (my fiance's sister emailed with that news). Now why in the world would she do that??!?! Sorry, I'm digressing. Maybe it's not quite so bad for Living_For_Me since his ex is not engaged to be married to someone else, though eventually she will be in that situation. I guess it's not so bad for him either because he probably never had to call the cops on his ex for assault like we've had to on my fiance's ex. I don't know what I am trying to say right now. Go ahead and meet up with them if you feel very strongly about it I guess. Your situation isn't quite as crazy as mine is, perhaps. But when things go south, don't say I didn't warn you!
Author Living_For_Me Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 The facts are i'm not completely over my ex, however i would never take her back, nor do i want anything to do with her because of what she did to me. I think meeting up with her sister and husband would bring all those feelings i've been working so hard on keeping at bay come flooding back. Should i e-mail her back and let her know that i wouldn't be best for us to meet up? or should i just leave it ?
Balalaika Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Yes, so as you don't have another email pop up say in a month or two from them only to bring things up again, I think it would be best for you to state your boundary clearly with them now. You don't have to justify or explain anything, just make it politely known you don't wish to meet nor hear from them again.
oh_what_am_I_doing Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 The facts are i'm not completely over my ex, however i would never take her back, nor do i want anything to do with her because of what she did to me. I think meeting up with her sister and husband would bring all those feelings i've been working so hard on keeping at bay come flooding back. I couldn't agree more. Politely let them know that contact with her family isn't what you need right now, and they will totally understand.
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