failing..in need of your support!

[tinke]

what do you do when you have the urge to call? i had a spell whereas i was doing a little better, but the past week or so..he has been on my mind very, very frequently.

i awaken with him on my mind. i am not really sure what the feelings are. i cannot distinguish if i am longing for him to return, or it is still residual hurt. it totally brings me down!

 

lakeside dream and others if you are there...i know your marriage ended after many years..how did you ever cope? have you dated much after?

thank you all for your comments/support.

[kirikat]

i spill my guts on my blog. I get to say everything I am thinking and feeling, I write long letters to him. I write about hating him....

 

It doesnt matter if he reads it or not, because after a year of not hearing me, it doesnt make a difference, but at least all the poison comes out, and it stops me from that endless conversation in my head.

 

The other thing I try and do is to just ride the feeling, and pay attention to it (anxiety, fear, rage), and not assign any words or stories to it.

 

Dont call him, honey.... he did something to you that was simply wrong, and its not your fault.

[Zapbasket]

what do you do when you have the urge to call?

 

I've fought the urge for the past 2 months. The urge has been overwhelming. I've overcome it each time by reminding myself that whatever I put out there at this point, now that all these months have passed of NC, will have a huge impact, on me if not on him. I want to maintain my dignity without being stubborn and cowardly. Until now this has absolutely meant I cannot contact him. Basically, I've held off from contacting him because his prior nastiness to me was so cutting that I just don't want to be on the receiving end of that ever again.

 

A couple of questions for you: what was your relationship like with this guy? Ten years is a long time--did you meet in college? Did he leave you before and come back, and what was that like? Looking back, were you happy with him? I ask because from what you say of him break-up on, he sounds...well, like a jerk. But I know if he were a jerk all the time, you wouldn't have been with him so long. Maybe telling us more about the history of the relationship and how you felt while in it will help temporarily put your urge to contact him into perspective.

 

Hang in there. From what you've revealed so far I'd say hold off on contacting him for now. I agree with whoever said you should rip him a new one on the "Post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. I may take that person's advice, as well!

[tinke]

greencove..he was a good guy, and i believed we had a fairly good relationship. one obstacle was that i do confront situtions, he ran from them.

 

due to family obligations, we were LD for 3 yrs. the last few months my schedule was extremely hectic, and i am sure he felt unappreciated, etc. but i truly did my best at the time...i was in over my head with obligations, etc. i truly loved him!

 

well, someone else came along in his town, gave him the attention he needed...and BAM!

i thought we had been through all this child's play before, and never thought we would revisit it. yes, he left before. can't say he ever officially cheated..but left suddenly and very soon with another. i thought our relationship had matured beyond that. i had serious obligations that needed my attention...he obviously couldn't wait them out. (family illness).

 

what is most saddening to me, is the fact..that never did i believe we would revisit these break-ups..i truly thought we moved so far from that. i believed i could be comfortable in the relationship and i thought he could handle (be mature enough) to understand my position.

 

honestly...he did turn out to be a jerk! this is not a young man! i saw much cowardliness, and immaturity. how sad! "i don't love you" were his words, however, weeks earlier, he professed his love. i do not believe she was in the picture then.

[Zapbasket]

If I may ask, how old is he? And you?

 

It sounds like he wasn't secure enough IN HIMSELF to handle your distance from him, and understandable preoccupation with your family situation. There are people, I find, who really cannot hold on to any sense of internal security; they require constant affirmation from outside and as soon as that's gone, they quickly have to seize hold of another source--be it another person, or an addiction, or ____. Having spent 3 years in a LDR with my partner, I know that the distance alone creates longing and hurt, even in relatively secure people. Maybe he just couldn't stay strong during this difficult time?

 

It certainly sounds like despite being overall a good person he lacked the maturity to stay true to your relationship, to value its longevity and the history you share over the temporary deprivations your absence imposed on him. Really, from what you're saying about the previous breakups, it sounds like he just really doesn't yet have what it takes to sustain a long-term relationship. He probably picked up with this other woman because it's always easiest in the Infatuation stage....the same demons will await him 2-3 years down the line, if he makes it that far. You can't just pretend the past doesn't exist. It will get to him, what he did--though he may never be consciously aware of it enough to give you the apology and closure you deserve.

 

Does any of this ring true? I know it's near-impossible to use awareness of the other person's flaws as a step towards moving forward. You loved him, and would still be with him if not for this. Was he your first true love?

[Rayofsunshine]

Tinke,

 

I understand what you are going through as I am going through this right now. It has been about a month and a half since my exbf broke up with me. He had finacial issues that he kept running away from and in the end it made him run from our relationship.

 

There are days when I am doing fine and then all of a sudden it hits me what has happened. This week has been really bad and it didn't help that I went to a surprise b-day party today and he was there. Of course he didn't talk to me or even acknowlege me. All those feelings that I felt all week came rushing back even more.

 

I wish that I could give you some advice that would help you. I'm just trying to take one day at a time and deal with the emotions that come each day.

[tinke]

yes, i would say in my late forties that he was my first true love. (he a bit older).

he was the type who needed attention..this is why i believe he was easily taken with another. heck..it's alot easier..she's right there.

 

yes, i agree with your comments, and this pattern will repeat, i'm sure. at least, for sure, his non-communicative pattern will keep steady.

 

i don't ever see me getting involved or staying in a LDR again. as you've said, it can become hurtful, the everyday experiences are not shared. the longing is beyond words,

no matter how often the visits. in my heart, i always resented the move, and at times it added to my distance. to speak objectively...i know for sure now that he is not a very mature man.

 

even the way in which he left speaks volumes. i cannot see me ever hurting anyone intentionally. i could have never ignored his calls, etc. no matter what! it's not like he told me to my face or by phone, or even took time with me to explain and asked for n/c. just nothing!!! (for 5 wks), then have her answer the phone?? and then smugly announce he is to be married? not cool at all! never would i have done such a cold act.

 

thanks for your replies...it has helped deter me from calling him.

[Zapbasket]

yes, i would say in my late forties that he was my first true love. (he a bit older).

 

Even understanding that emotional age has little to do with actual age, I think that you certainly are not expecting too much in expecting a 50-year-old man to end your relationship with more grace, respect, and care than he showed to you. Knowing his age also makes me wonder whether coupled with his lack of internal security he also is experiencing a terrible fear of being alone--maybe he feared you would leave him? And so he grabbed up someone nearby and pinned her down through marriage?

 

In any case, the more you reveal, the more it's evident that his behavior had nothing to do with you. A solid relationship between two (not just one) mature, responsible adults should be able to accommodate a family illness. He should have been there for YOU, and had all the patience in the world.

 

thanks for your replies...it has helped deter me from calling him.

 

I'm glad you're holding off for now. Though I'm about to feel like a big hypocrite, as I'm going to shortly go over to my thread and state that I'm seriously thinking about putting a feeler out there, if for no other reason then to end this misery I'm experiencing of What If.

 

It's a lot easier to be objective about other people's heartache....

 

Keep hanging in there....

[tinke]

i have come to a realization of how an ex can move on so quickly..yet, with another.

during my 10 yr relationship, i can count on one hand the times he actually apologized for anything..just the words I'm sorry, was like pulling teeth.

 

i had asked my ex, do you take any responsibility for this, since he named countless wrongs i did (for the break-up)...his reply was...like what????????

 

they are able to carry their baggage on, because they are unaware of any baggage..he has no remorse, no ill feelings of how he has hurt me, and eagerly jumps into another relationship.

 

if in his mind, he can easily blame me, that clears the way for him...

he can easily move on to the next...and very quickly! so, she is the shining star, for now, that will right all the wrongs i did.

 

how mature!!

[Zapbasket]

i had asked my ex, do you take any responsibility for this, since he named countless wrongs i did (for the break-up)...his reply was...like what????????

 

Out of curiosity, what were the wrongs of which he accused you?

 

they are able to carry their baggage on, because they are unaware of any baggage

 

I think this is very true. As I've spent a lot of time processing the break-up over these past 6 months, especially over the past two months I've gained a lot of perspective. And one thing that has struck me is how very humbling it is to be in a relationship. All the things we're so sure we're right about.... "Right" and "wrong," the more your psyches are entangled in intimacy and a long history together, really become relative. No one is a victim, for after a certain point they have chosen to let themselves be victims. A relationship is a constant bartering act of needs, combined with altruism and instances of pure self-willed selflessness. I guess what I'm saying is that after 10 years, hell, after 5 or even 3, one person can't walk away from the whole thing and truly be blameless for the erosion of the relationship that led to the breakup. It's just impossible.

 

This is why I still want my partner back. I don't think I was "selfish" in the strict sense of the word, but now that I think I understand more what's really required in an intimate relationship, I certainly spent too much time either on my high horse convinced I was "Right" or withered in guilt feeling I was "Wrong," when no such things existed. I want another chance to give the love I had for him in a new, more enlightened way.

 

In your case, his haste to extricate himself, and his haste to throw himself into another relationship, shows that he is unwilling, or more likely for the time being, UNABLE to think about *his* contribution to relationships and events in his life. It's much easier to throw blame onto someone else, which is what he has done to you.

[MagnoliaJane]

during my 10 yr relationship, i can count on one hand the times he actually apologized for anything..just the words I'm sorry, was like pulling teeth.

 

i had asked my ex, do you take any responsibility for this, since he named countless wrongs i did (for the break-up)...his reply was...like what????????

 

they are able to carry their baggage on, because they are unaware of any baggage..he has no remorse, no ill feelings of how he has hurt me, and eagerly jumps into another relationship.

 

Tinke,

 

I believe that not being able to say sorry and not taking responsibility go hand in hand. I wouldn't say he's unaware of his wrongs, I'd say he doesn't want to confront himself with them. It certainly is much easier to ignore, for some people at least.

 

Anyway, someone who is a runner will also look for things that "make it all go away", all these unpleasant feelings. I believe a new partner for them represents a new chance, a new script, a new beginning. Something like moving to a new place without cleaning out the old place they left.

 

Hmmmm... one can run far, but never far enough to get away from the skeletons in the closet.

 

When confronting with the urge to contact the ex, put yourself in his shoes for one second. You know him quite well. So, how would he react? Probably irritated that he has to be confronted with his bad behavior, the one thing he wants to run away from. There's no way to "talk sense" into someone who has chosen this kind of path. What he did is an unspoken declaration that he doesn't want to own up to his own actions.

 

Well, you could say "at least he can hear out my feelings". Would you want him to know them? And then again, perhaps be confronted with the way he "resolves" things. Silently and cruelly, no apologies?

 

Tinke, if it can give you any consolation, look how many broken hearts are on this board. But, you know what they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. This is a chance for you to learn and grow. No evolution without conflict. Yes, it is damn hard, and often me too, I think that all this pain and suffering is not worth it. But I am no longer naive about men. I took me 38 years, but well, it gives me some kind of peace to know that now I am able to make a distinction between infatuation, and love, the kind that is respectful to the other person. There is still so much to see, experience and do in this life, Tinke. Take your time to heal, go through the pain, cry, shout, feel as much as you need, bring it all out. You will find more of yourself in the process, I promise.

 

Talk here on LS instead of to someone who might not want to listen.

 

Peace,

 

MJ

[tinke]

thank you all for your replies, it is very appreciated! after 6mo., people believe one should be over the ordeal already, i still have unresolved conflict within myself...i am not over it. LS is my only form of support! so again, thank you.

 

MJ..yes, i do believe he is running towards something exciting, new, different.

[MagnoliaJane]

Tinke - After 6 months I am not over "it" either, although I start to question what "it" was. Not really an open, honest, reciprocated relationship, I can tell that much. So, what I want to tell you is that "it's ok, let it take all the time it takes"...

 

Write away... wash yourself clean after such a storm.

 

Time to rebuild yourself, one letter at a time. I'll try to do the same.

 

-MJ

[tinke]

thanks..hopefully together we will overcome this!

it is very helpful to have a sounding board to turn to.

[Zapbasket]

I increasingly think "getting over it" is overrated and unrealistic. Rather, the goal should be "working through it." A love relationship involves our deepest selves, as well as our bodies, our living spaces, our time, our finances, our dreams, our values.... And our partner influences us more than we can really be aware of. You don't just "move on" from a broken relationship; the loss alone takes a significant amount of time to truly process. Someone posted a thread recently on just letting ourselves feel what we feel and I think that's really good advice. More harm comes from sweeping things under the rug than really working through them--a process that requires a lot of patience and gentleness with oneself.

 

I say we all take all the time we need, to cry when we need to, post here when we need to, do whatever we need to do to unfold the best within us.

[FC801]

Tinke,

I am in a similar situation and I understand your feelings of shock and inability to deal with such a deep betrayal. My ex of 2.5 years always talked about growing old and grumpy together, having children together... and honestly from one day to the next, he changed his mind, dumped me (over the phone like a coward), and moved to a different state (to an apartment that we were supposed to move to together). He started dating someone else just a few weeks later and told me he is completely over me. It is unbelievable that people can turn on you so quickly, isn't it? It's been almost 2 months since my breakup, and I still have this gaping wound in my soul. I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for you, after 10 years with this person.

 

I think ignoring someone so supposedly significant in your life is the most immature, cowardly way of dealing with a break up. And you and I, we deserve better (even if we don't WANT anyone better or anyone else right now!). Everyone here at LS deserves better, because we are all dealing with our feelings the mature, tough way. But our exes are not, sadly for us. I don't really have any advice for you, just support. I hope we all come out of this better and stronger people, and that there is some good reason for all this hurt and anguish in our lives. Maybe it will serve to make us truly appreciate the right person when he/she comes along. Hang in there, friend.

[tinke]

thanks fc801.

one thing that does keep me going is that i do have strong belief that things happen for a reason.

 

when they go so quickly to another, even if they are over us, i can't help but believe that they carry the same baggage with them...particularly since they don't even recognize it. it is very easy to blame someone else.