tinke Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 quick summary: i was in a LTR(10 yrs) with the last 3 LD, family obligations. we were to be married in the near future. we visited often. an ill family member occupied much of my existance..i am sure i portrayed myself as distant to my ex...however, at the time...i did my best to keep my sanity and somewhat of a balance in life. i received a brief break-up e-mail with nonsense, superficial reasons. no response from him then in 5 wks. when i was finally able to talk by phone, it was very limited, and he announced he had been seeing someone (couple momths) and will be wed soon, engaged., etc. absolutely no further contact nor replies since. did not accept calls, (other than have her answer), no reply from letters...did not return. nothing! (5 mo now). i still awaken with him on my mind..everytime! i am able at times to deflect to something else. i just cannot come to terms with this, or the way in which he did it. it is someone i do not know..never did i expect this. in the past, he had broken up and quickly began dating again. almost as something staged so dating is acceptable. how does someone do such a thing, and yet, so chalantly. no thought of how this will effect me..and yes, he focused blame on me, but for ridiculous reasons..such as the geographical change, different personalities, etc. this after 10 yrs.! i have a difficult time understanding this, i cannot see myself falling for another so quickly and marrying as he. does this really happen? i do not believe he was seeing her for longer than what he said..he was almost boasting about it, so i am sure he told me the actual timeframe. i did not sense anything from the last visit. (she was anaquaintance, i believe). i know logically, this was wrong, i know it is not healthy. but, my heart still aches and i am so confused about it. how can he simply discard me, and totally abandon me without blinking an eye? he saw greener grass and leaped for it. has anyone experienced this? i would like to know of those who have, did any of you leap into another serious relationship? what were your thoughts? how about later? it was the familiar song and dance...he claimed he loved me and a couple months later stated crazy reasons why it won't work between us. well of course, you have your fresh green grass under your feet now! i have to mention...to compound things, this all happened right after the death of my ill family member. i really need to hear what a scum he is, on and on. i thought i would be able to get mad at him, i have reason to, but it is short lived. i have been getting the urge to phone him again which i know is nuts! please help...give me some insight here, i think i am too close to the situation to be objective. never had i cheated and i don't take it lightly. i was so blown away by this, i am unable to see things clearly. even knowing these thoughts are unhealthy, i feel stuck. i need some SUPPORTIVE feedback please. i really need to hear what a creep he is.
Aliddy Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Gosh, I feel for you.... Exactly the same thing has happend to me. I was in a LDR for 3.5 years, we had been engaged etc..... Then we had words, 7 weeks ago, he walked out.....not a word since..... ( we had been back from holiday 3 days ) He was with someone else, within a week and would not talk to me or even explain....it has been Hell......... I have kept a blog, about how I have felt and how he has simply deleted me..... I hope, reading it may help you.... http://aliddy-diaryofabreakup.blogspot.com/ Suzanne :-)
funkybassplayer Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Aiddy i read your blog, you look good too!! How are you today? you seem to be getting better. Well its only natural that your feeling like this, but you have to remember that he did this to you, and him refusing calls etc is a sure sign that in fact he is not over you, other wise if he was, he would take your calls. MAke sense? Simpler, Why not take a call from an accaintence? What he is in fact doing is projecting all his own blame and guilt onto you, so he wont have to feel it. This happens all the time, when you break down the walls in a relationship, and you expose all the issues that a peron may have, and this is projected onto us by blame, arguing etc. Anyway that really does not change anything, and he finds it better to pretend that you dont exist rather than face his guilt. There really is not much you can do at this stage expet let him go best you can, and take the time out to look after yourself, and try to get your head in a better place, as you are still very much emotional, and things will get clearer as the rage of emotions die down. Take care of yourself, thats the most important.
Aliddy Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Hi Funky, I have been following your posts and seen a dramatic change in you !!!! I have been extremely impressed with that you have been saying to others in here. I agree, there is no reason, not to speak to anyone, unless............................as you say.........there are issues..... Am I better ??? Well I think I am slowly getting there, it is just the fact I was " deleted " without a second thought, that is really hard to deal with........ Suzanne :-)
funkybassplayer Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Hi Funky, I have been following your posts and seen a dramatic change in you !!!! I have been extremely impressed with that you have been saying to others in here. I agree, there is no reason, not to speak to anyone, unless............................as you say.........there are issues..... Am I better ??? Well I think I am slowly getting there, it is just the fact I was " deleted " without a second thought, that is really hard to deal with........ Suzanne :-) I tell you, im seeing this guy he is a phycologyst and he is half explaining stuff to me, and half helping me with my own crap, and the change in my thinking in just a short space of time about my ex, and me, are really incredible, and the last two days i have woke up and thought what shall i do today, rather than what she is doing today!! HE also gets you intouch with the spiritual side of yourself if your into that stuff, i very much am, but he can keep it strait too. If you ever want his numeber i can email you it, if you feel you may need an assesment of yourself, or help with the relationship. we all pick up baggage, and sometimes its worth seeing how much we have, and how it can affect us. I think you may be very surprised. I have also booked myself into a councilling p/t course as i really like the subject. A little different to the normal music qual, but i seem to really enjoy how minds work, and the guy im seeing Peter thinks i have a good way with people!
Aliddy Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Hi Funky, You know I doubt I will ever understand, how or why he did what he did, if you have read my blog, you will see, just how easily he replaced me. I am unable to comprehend that type of behaviour, as I am a person, who always, thinks of how someone else is feeling, regardless of myself. So, I have come to the conclusion, that " the best way to judge the future is on the past " and you know, he will do this again.....and again......only.....it wont be with me !!! Suzanne :-)
funkybassplayer Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Hi Funky, You know I doubt I will ever understand, how or why he did what he did, if you have read my blog, you will see, just how easily he replaced me. I am unable to comprehend that type of behaviour, as I am a person, who always, thinks of how someone else is feeling, regardless of myself. So, I have come to the conclusion, that " the best way to judge the future is on the past " and you know, he will do this again.....and again......only.....it wont be with me !!! Suzanne :-) You find that people who can do this often dont really like them selves or their own company, so they look for some1 else, so they start the honeymoon again where thier wold stays rosy, and also you start feeling that you are at fault as they have had enough and dont answer the calls etc. What you must remember is that this is their reactions to the loss, and not yours, they are the ones that run away when you start to break down there walls b/c they dont want to face their own deep crap, which they would eventually have to in order for the relationship to carry on. So when you think about it its sad, as here we are beliving we have this person in the honeymoon stage, all is perfect, then we get closer and we start seeing who they are, but they try to prevent us seeing the true them in the way that they will blame, acuse etc, to deter you and them from a deep inner problem that may have happened years ago. (baggage) We all have it, but the more baggage the more issues. Then we wonder where the noce person we met went, and we try to get them back, only the person that can get them back is themselves, and a shrink, and sometimes its just better for them to .........you gest it, start a new honeymoon. Its really sad. But that is why you me or anyone here must not beat our selves up for actions that they carry out.
Author tinke Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 funk and allidy...thanks for the reply. funky, i don't understand your comment of why not take a call from an aquaintance? he was there when she answered the phone after weeks of ignoring them. i DID NOT hang up and asked for him. he was very brief, distant and immature........and mentioned he will be wed soon. oh yes, he is a runner, avoider. i just don't get what goes on in someone's mind like that. do they really despise us so much that we are not worth the effort of a decent explanation, but intentional hurtful words. how do people just switch off and on to a new so quickly, and yet so seriously.
funkybassplayer Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 funk and allidy...thanks for the reply. funky, i don't understand your comment of why not take a call from an aquaintance? he was there when she answered the phone after weeks of ignoring them. i DID NOT hang up and asked for him. he was very brief, distant and immature........and mentioned he will be wed soon. oh yes, he is a runner, avoider. i just don't get what goes on in someone's mind like that. do they really despise us so much that we are not worth the effort of a decent explanation, but intentional hurtful words. how do people just switch off and on to a new so quickly, and yet so seriously. what i ment was the fact that he is ignoring you means that he has issues, otherwise he would just pick-up. What i ment about the aqueintence is that if you mean nothing to him, he is more likley to respond to you. Can you see what i mean?
moveon54 Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I know, I know easy to say but think about this, if he can do this so easily to you, she (other person) is in for the ride of her life. Sounds like he was selfish to begin with and how would your life really have been? And what a coward!! Breaking up by email then avoiding you? Seriously, I know it hurts but just think about the hurt you would have been in for with a piece of work like that. Does it make it any easier, no, I realize that, but when you start doubting yourself and thinking "was it me, could I have done something different to make him stay, what does she have that I don't", remember, if he did this so easily and coldly it probably would have happened sooner or later. Do you really want someone of this character forever? Really? Stay on the forums (and I'm brand new to them) and talk with true friends. Listen to them. When they tell you that you are worth so much more, believe them. Its so easy for your mind to mental f*** yourself, just bring it back and remember that you deserve better. A lot better. Don't be a victim, you are not a loser, he is.
funkybassplayer Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I know, I know easy to say but think about this, if he can do this so easily to you, she (other person) is in for the ride of her life. Sounds like he was selfish to begin with and how would your life really have been? And what a coward!! Breaking up by email then avoiding you? Seriously, I know it hurts but just think about the hurt you would have been in for with a piece of work like that. Does it make it any easier, no, I realize that, but when you start doubting yourself and thinking "was it me, could I have done something different to make him stay, what does she have that I don't", remember, if he did this so easily and coldly it probably would have happened sooner or later. Do you really want someone of this character forever? Really? Stay on the forums (and I'm brand new to them) and talk with true friends. Listen to them. When they tell you that you are worth so much more, believe them. Its so easy for your mind to mental f*** yourself, just bring it back and remember that you deserve better. A lot better. Don't be a victim, you are not a loser, he is. thats right, these issues are problems in them, not us, and they will always re emerge at some point so sometimes you really are better off out of it. I had all whats going on here and more, but i loved her and would have stuck by her, but know, im feeling relived that its over, and in the bigger picture, there are some great people out there but i want to be in a better place in my head, b4 i go out n meet them, cos then i will know im with some 1 for the right reasons, but at the mo, im quite happy just being me, and learning about me. Im discovering me again, and you know what? i like what i see!!
Author tinke Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 thank you all. it is so very hurtful to realize someone you truly loved while accepting their downfalls, etc. can turn out to be so cold and uncaring when someone else is ALLOWED to enter the scene. and yes, i re-hash his cowardliness over andf over and i am in total disbelief...still! funk, i hear what you are saying re: the calls, at first i believed that too, but how then can someone be so hurtful not to have talked to me..ignored me and then had her answer and he tells me he will marry soon? doesn't jive! how very immature to hope i would just go away. i deserved more than an e-mail! yes, i believe the pattern will repeat itself, but, still it is hurtful. i just never knew of anyone who jumped from one to the next so quickly and so seriously before...marriage? it's crazy! comments?
funkybassplayer Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 It was a horrible thing that they done, people can be such prats, but remember they are the prats not you, like you my ex begged me to be freinds after she ended it, only to chuck that away when rich man showed his face and said i couldnt speack to her or the kids. Well fine, **** em. you do the same, any one that can do this is not worth a damm, and look at it this way what have you lost? A dick head?
Author tinke Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 one of the most difficult things to accept, not only that it is over, but also the way in which he handled the break-up after 10 yrs. also, how does one accept the fact that he left and immediately became engaged...actually flaunting this???? very smug! has anyone left a relationship and immediately married another??? what was that about?? what goes on in your head?? do people do this to quickly get over the original relationship, appeasing with someone else... how is it possible to switch off and then on to another so quickly?
kittensmittens Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 tinke He’s a jerk. He is obviously very selfish, completely immature, and will no doubt do the same to her as he’s done to you and so on. And having her take the calls? That's lower than low. I know that doesn’t help much with understanding it all…..I was only with mine for 4 years and I still wonder, why did it take him so long to show his true colors? Why did he waste so much of my precious time? How did he fool me so? Still, we waste what’s left of our tattered hearts loving them. If there is any logic to be found in it, I’m convinced we do so because we’re actual human beings, capable of real love. Beyond that, it doesn’t have to make sense. Hurt is hurt and longing is longing, and those things don’t often mix well with logic. how is it possible to switch off and then on to another so quickly? I'm fairly convinced that people like this never actually have the switch flipped to "on" in the first place. They don't know what it is to truly love someone. Because you do, someone is going to come along who is truly deserving of that and they're going to see that you're just as deserving of the same thing back.
Author tinke Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 thank you KM i am still in disbelief how suddenly he left and onto someone new after all these yrs. yes, i know, how cowardly to send an e-mail and then ignore all my attempts, and finally after weeks,, have her answer. then for him to say...more or less, and oh, by the way i'm getting married soon!!! at first he said he would contact me to discuss this...but, never did. i don't get how someone can do this with an e-mail and sit there and ignore all those phone attempts, messages, etc. i would have to at least call and explain and request no more contact...something! if i really did not want to hear from someone, i would get it over with etc. not hope they will get the message by me ignoring them. any, particularly a LTR deserves more than that! it is still difficult to digest. thanks for your support. now, how does someone make peace with oneself and continue on? although i am better from the original blast, i still feel very hurt and betrayed...puzzled!
Ssheena Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 It's not you, it's him. He is wacked. The woman that has him has a cheater and a narcistist jerk. My x husband had an affair, denied it, let me move with his two kids way far away from him, and when I was in the US on vacation with the kids, moved out and in with her. He has never had to accept responsiblity for his actions. My greatest hope is that one day he will hurt like I did/do. I don't know how to make peace with yourself. I have moved on but I'm bitter and cynical.
Zapbasket Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 i don't get how someone can do this with an e-mail and sit there and ignore all those phone attempts, messages, etc. i would have to at least call and explain and request no more contact...something! if i really did not want to hear from someone, i would get it over with etc. not hope they will get the message by me ignoring them. any, particularly a LTR deserves more than that! it is still difficult to digest. Hi Tinke, Trust me, having had him come on the phone only to tell you he wants you to stop contacting him wouldn't have felt much better. I was in shock that my partner kept ignoring my calls and then after a month I left a message in which I said, "Look, I feel like a stalker and that's not fair. I have been your loyal girlfriend for five years and I think that fact merits some real discussion of what happened, not you ignoring me. I keep trying because I care, and if there's any chance of at least walking away on better terms then I want to invite that to happen." The next day I got an e-mail from him, and at first I felt great relief. But his e-mail was so cold, so final, so "get lost," that that really hurt far more than his cowardly silence. What we wanted was respect, some acknowledgement of the time we spent with them and the efforts we made--however inadequate they may have been--on their and the relationship's behalf all that time. I don't think coldly cutting off all contact constitutes respect after you have spent years together. I can say with confidence that I would never do that to someone, and I suspect you would not either, which is why you are so in shock and so indignant. As for how to deal with such a blow as you've been dealt, all I can say is it's very hard. It's unfair of you to expect yourself to NOT be hurting terribly and NOT be running events through your mind over and over. That's part of the healing process. It's such an unhelpful thing to say, but it is true: TIME is your friend. Just trust that ONE DAY you will not feel as bad about the incident as you do now. It will ALWAYS be a painful memory, there will ALWAYS be unanswered questions that continue to make you wince and shake your head every time you think about the incident...but TIME will gradually smooth this jagged stone of heartache into something that doesn't pierce you bloody every time the memory of the breakup arises. Other concerns will wash you along, and new happinesses, and new heartaches, and all the while you'll grow wiser. Monday will be 6 months of complete NC for me, and I can say that I continue to have days and moments where I have to ask the universe, "When, oh when, will this horrible pain end? The betrayal, the confusion, the raw hurt and the missing this person every moment of every day?" I have purchased guaranteed support for myself during this time through therapy, and outside of that I just try my best to treat each new day as an opportunity to put ONE GOOD THING into my life--a new acquaintence, a step towards the cultivation of hobbies I'd been wanting to pursue for a long time, actions that enable me to experience the satisfaction of knowing I'm good at my job. I feel like complete **** most of the time, but I'm bloody trying--and though I'm much harder on myself than I am on anyone else...I do believe that that's the best any of us can do. Hugs to you Tinke. Keep your chin up and keep posting here.
your star Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 hi tinke. I thought I'd respond to your thread because your story is similiar to mine. I was also in a long term relationship with the last being long distance. (my original thread is on here somewhere). one day he simply told me he could no longer go forth with the relationship. a few days later i found out he was talking to someone else already. and it hurt to feel they moved on soo quickly. when i confronted him, he disappeared for a month. i called, i left emails and he ran away like a coward. what funky said about them disappearing because they care makes soo much sense to me now. my ex ran away because he couldnt face the pain or heartache he put me through. and when i finally did hear from him after a month i learned he was a wreck. i was with this guy for 6 years and we have been broken up for about 3 months now. i still till this day cannot believe how he could treat me in a way after soo many years together. and he avoids me as much as possibly because he knows the pain he has caused me and cant face up to it. i had to pick up the pieces and try and move on and everyday is still as a struggle and he knows it.. i cant really offer much advice as i am still coping with this whole situation. and i cant imagine how you feel knowing he's to marry someone already...i just want you to know that there are people out there who are going through what you are.. what helps me is to know i was the best i could be for him and he has issues within himself that are out of my control. i hope you take care of yourself.. and hang in there.
Author tinke Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 help......... please remind me why my ex is NO GOOD! i am so very tempted to call him, after months. hard times!!!!!
MagnoliaJane Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Tinke, I hope you haven't called. Think about what good would come from calling him... and how it would make you feel. Why do you feel the need to call him today? What would you like to say to him? Tell it here and maybe that will purge it out of your system. Strength and lots of hugs, MJ
Ssheena Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Ya know Tinke, I was the other woman in your situation. My x husband had left his girlfriend of a few years, with her thinking she was going to come to the states, meet him, they were going to get married etc. Then he met me. Then he called her up and broke up with her over the phone and we went to vegas and got married. At the time, I never thought about the other woman. Mostly because of what and how he talked about her. He did the same thing to me as he did to her and ended up leaving me for someone else as well. Just hoping from one to another. I think because he has lots of money, no woman will ever leave him and he can continue to do whatever he wants. Would I get involved with someone who had a girlfriend again? No F*ing way. B Be super glad you are NOT with him because he will do this again and again. What an eye-opener for me to realize this now. To the girl my x left me for, I'm sorry. To the girl my x is with now, who posed as my friend.... better you than me honey. You can have him. Money is not everything.
Author tinke Posted August 11, 2007 Author Posted August 11, 2007 thank you ladies... Ssheena..how very wierd. i was thinking he must be speaking poorly of me, etc. also, i thought what is that other woman thinking..after this many yrs., this is what he has done to us. but, love is blind, i guess. i also believe he will do this again, cuz it is not the first time with me. he is a runner, avoids issues..then runs! MJ... i guess after all this time, i would need to hear again that it is definately over, of course, in my mind, i know it is. but, it is almost as i need a blast from him. he has never asked me not to contact him..just ignores them (i know...not any better). i still canot believe he has her answer the phone, instead of telling me himself!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you both for the support!!! i have not called, oh..but the urge is so very strong!!!
Ssheena Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 write him a letter and post it in the "post here instead of contacting your ex" thread. You'll feel better. Rip him a new one in it.
AriaIncognito Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Tinke, Don't call. You know that it won't do you any good. My ex is similar to these other men you guys have been talking about. Basically jumps from one to the next and never addresses the issue as to why. I found the blog of a girl he dated right up until a week after he met me. That's right, we overlapped. He met me, saw her the day after, and then started to date me. All the while, she still called him on the phone and he'd once in a while see her. I don't know if he cheated on me with her, and frankly I don't care. I kept trying to convince myself that it would be different with me because of X and Y, but it wasn't. And well, we broke up but we were still seeing eachother. We had sex on the 21st of may and then he had a first date with some other girl on may 28th I think and then he saw me on May 31 and then I assume he started to see her because I never heard from him again. Sure, if I called, he'd certainly talk to me, just like he did when his ex called when he was with me. But what good will that do me. I just keep trying to tell myself that it won't magically disappear with his new girl, and that he'll do it to her too and that he'll never truly be happy, whereas someday, I will, because i'm willing to give of myself. I'm not sure if this has offered any support but I wanted to just kinda do a stream of consciousness thing here. Just know that you are not alone, and while we all have wants to call them, well, how wise is it really. I'm so glad I've kept NC for over 2 months now. I feel good about that. It puts me 2 months closer to being over him and finding the man I should be with.
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