How do I end it?

[daphne]

I tried to break it off with a guy I was dating about 3 weeks ago. He had totally treated me like a backburner girl and I was done with the games or hard to get or disinterest or whatever. He spent 3 hours on the phone asking me to give him the benefit of the doubt and tried to turn it around on me. I gave him another chance. He left town on vacation for 2 weeks and I didn't hear from him until almost 3 weeks after he left. This is really someone who was trying hard to earn my trust.

 

While he was gone, I had a lot of time to think and I decided that since we've only dated for 2 months and most of it's been spent with him playing massive head games, I am not losing anything. I didn't sign up for this nonsense. I'm not happy and if I had known he was this way I would never have dated him. So I want to end it.

 

I had thought after 3 weeks that I wouldn't hear from him again. Honestly, considering his flakey behavior, I really didn't. So when he texted (sign that he knows he screwed up but doesn't have the balls to apologize), I ignored him. A few days later he called. I ignored him. Now he's called several more times becoming more persistent. Then he stopped.

 

In my heart, I don't feel like I owe him anything. I'd love to be a bitch and just give him back what he gave me and never say another word to him. However, after I dumped another guy by email, I promised i'd never do something as selfish again. Granted, they both treated me like crap and deserve it.

 

How do I end this? I feel like a coward and would rather just not deal with his excuses and rationalizations anymore. I feel like he's treated me worse than most of the guys I've ever dated, excluding my ex husband. Am I justified just to let it ride? Let him live with the consequences of being an a-hole? Or do I, yet again, take the high road and call him? I know I don't want to see him face to face.

 

Help.

[sao2]

Do it however you feel is necessary. Face to face, by text, by email. You gave him a second chance. In fact since you already broke up with him just recently, you can simply say. "I gave you a second chance, you blew it"

[Geishawhelk]

If you are still into this, then you are playing games too. It takes two to tango. Ask not what you should do. Ask why you are doing it.

 

What's in it for you?

Excitement? The need to be wanted, whatever the cost?

the fun of the chase? To see how serious it could get?

 

In any tangle we get ourselves into, there's always a payoff.

find yours.

 

Sort your WHYs then the WHATs and HOWs will sort themselves.

 

Trust me.

[Ssheena]

It seems to me like you already have ended it and that he has gotten it. I'd leave it as it is.

Good for you for making the decision that you don't want to be involved with him.

[daphne]

thanks all for your responses.

 

Geisha,

 

The only reason I'm still in this is because I wanted to believe that he's not who he turned out to be. I wanted a relationship. I wanted to believe he was the good guy he portrayed initially. We had a lot in common. I don't like the drama, and have been losing interest since it began. My best relationships have started out with very little drama. I prefer it that way.

 

Sheena,

 

Unfortunately, he called several times while I was at work today. I am truly feeling like a coward. I guess it doesn't matter how he treated me, I still don't want to hurt him. So I texted him and said I couldn't talk right now. He texted back that it was cool.

 

I'd love to say what Sao suggested, but I don't think I'm quite angry enough. I just want this pit in my stomache to go away and go back to being happy like I was before I met him. There's something wrong in teh dynamic of teh relationship, and I can fantasize all I want but he has admitted to having a history of not treating women well. He said that he was going to make it right by treating me well. That hasn't happened.

[frd150]

Hey Daphne,

 

Its been a while.

 

That last line worries me and I would look at it as a big flag. I worry about you and the future if you stay. Goes without saying I guess.

 

How emotionaly attached are you to him? Its been only two months and like you said he hasnt been around that much for you. So, maybe best to cut your losses now and move on to someone who will make you a priority.

 

I know Im not telling you anything you did not already know.

 

Hope your well, besides all this.

 

FRD

[Trialbyfire]

When someone treats you like an option, you don't really owe them anything. It's up to you what you need to do, to remain true to yourself.

 

Do what feels right in order for you to live with yourself, guilt free.

[daphne]

Frd,

 

How are you? Did you ever get back with your ex? I hope all is well.

 

Yes, I realize that it's time to cut my losses. I'm not a priority, and he's not relationship material. He has too much baggage and his priorities are askew. I think he has relied on his looks in relationships, and that's not a priority for me. I'd rather have an average joe that treats me liek a princess, than a princess who thinks it's up to me to chase after him. Fortunately, I didn't get very emotionally attached. It's kind of hard to when the other person is thinking of themselves and doesn't really get you or try to get to know you.

 

Trial,

 

I decided that when I'm ready I'm going to handle it the best way I know how. I want a quiet, drama free exit without attacking his character. I don't want to have any regrets and I'll regret it if I am too harsh. He's not a bad person, he's just not for me. I also find that when someone asserts their boundaries without attacking, I learn the lesson. Otherwise I reject it and am able to put the blame back on the attacker. Self defense I guess.

 

I feel a lot calmer. He's allowing me to take my space to figure it out and now I know what I have to do. I'm not shop girl and I didn't sign up for crumbs so I won't settle for them.

[Thumper]

Just be HONEST.Tell him he did not give you all the attention that you felt entitled to.And thats it,simple enough.You advoiding him now is having the opposite effect.

[daphne]

You advoiding him now is having the opposite effect.

 

I'm not exactly sure waht that means. The opposite effect of what?

 

He already knows what the problem is. I tried to break up with him before he went into deep freeze for 3 weeks and I was completely honest. Then he did it again. He has more than a clue. I was patient. Now he can wait until I'm ready to deal with it.

[daphne]

I mustered up the courage and I ended it yesterday. He sounded expectant, at the same time surprised. He didn't have anything to say so I wished him well and told him that I hoped he found what he was looking for.

 

It was tough. Being in limbo was actually easier for me. It was like denial. I have to say to those who have been dumped recently not to let yourselves get strung along. The dumper is feeling very much like normal while you're hurting. It's when you know that the other person's ok with it that it sinks in that maybe they didn't care about you the way you thought they did. But I realized I hadn't made the decision lightly or to hurt him. I tried my best to leave him with his dignity and let him know that I was hurt by the decision. He forced my hand. He couldn't even treat me well. Had it been a longer relationship I doubt I'd even be hurt at this point because I would know for sure that the person was too damaged at this point in his life to participate in a loving relationship. I know it still, but it's so new that I still have part fantasy.

 

He emailed me a joke today, through bcc. I didn't quite get that. I guess he wants to leave the lines of communication open but it just isn't very direct. I know we cant' be friends right now, but later on I wouldn't mind. I'm not in love with him like I was the last guy. He never did anything to make me fall for him so I could handle it. Besides, we probably should have just been friends to begin with.