OW children with their MM. how they deal with it

[smoochygirl]

Please forgive me for my grammar and spelling. English is my second language so please forgive me if i am wrong.

 

I just have so many question to OW. This is bugging me for 22 years of my life.

 

My mom is OW of my Dad (MM). My dad left his wife and two kids to be with my mom, They had me and my brother who is now 21 years old. I never knew what was happening since i turn 7 years old, My dad got very sick and not be able to work so my mom has to go abroad to work for all 3 of us (dad, me and brother). When my mom left i finally met my dad's family, we got a lot of abuse from them, (my dad family) when i turn 10 years old, my mom came back for vacation when she found out what was happening to us, she took us from my dad, but then she go back abroad and left us to her mother. From my aunt and grandma i found out she have another boyfriend who is also married. My life is so miserable that time. I don't know what's going on in her mind. My dad pass away when i was teenager he got a cancer. His first kids and wife took everything which i am glad they did because they are the real family, but i heard his kid never love their dad and it hurt me the most. I visit my dad grave before i came here in the US. all i get from his family is his photo ID, all i want is his picture anyway but it just hurt me so much when i find out that even on his funeral they never bother to visit him, did they really hate him that much?. I know he regret what he did and i forgive him and i truly hope they will learn to forgive too. Now my mom and his MM are together for 14 years and she's still a mistress. always a mistress. My brother has a really bad life right now, got married early, no job, not thinking of his future and whenever my mom come crying to me because of this i can't stop myself to blame her, is this wrong? One day she told me she heard her MM talking to his wife and daughter then she was really hurt and mad, I then got mad at her for being mad, i told her that they have all the right. Sometimes me and my mom get along but sometimes i blame her for everything. how can i be able to forgive and forget? She almost wreck my life, but growing up like this only make me stronger and a better person, which is a total opposite of my brother.

 

Now she feel like her MM is turning his back on her. They are not yet separated but they always fighting over his wife which i think its very immoral what they are doing, please no offense. I want to support her as she is always crying on the phone, but whenever she talk to me instead of support i end up hanging up the phone on her because i think she is wrong all this time. I just don't know how to help her. and i don't know if i will be able to.

 

Im wondering if there will be a chance for my mom to get married someday? and Is her relationship with her MM will have a happy ending?

[GreenEyedLady]

First, I am sorry that your life was filled with upheaval and abuse...

 

There is always a chance for someone to get married...It's not impossible...

 

But perhaps your idea of a happy ending is different from hers...

[child_of_isis]

If I were you, I would detach myself from her if at all possible. Or at least the affair aspect of her. When she calls, detach yourself and get off of the phone as soon as she tries to pull you into the drama or even begins to moan and groan about MM.

 

At the ripe old age of 22, you really don't need to be burdened with your mother's problems. Don't let her do this to you.

 

It is not your problem, it is hers. She made the decisions.

 

You cannot fix her. Nor the mess she has made of her life.

 

Focus on yourself. Your own healing. Become your own number one. Evidently you will never be hers.

[GreenEyedLady]

Evidently you will never be hers.

 

And what do you have, a crystal ball?!

 

How unfeeling! Can you phrase that even a little more tactful? I thought the point was to support and encourage instead of tear down...

[NoIDidn't]

Such a sad story. One I have heard so many times before.

 

You have to understand that your dad's family hates him because he left them for another woman and started another family with her. I am also not surprised that his family was cruel to you, not justifying it, but not surprised either. You and your brother represent what he did. A never ending reminder.

 

Now for the good part.

 

You can love your mom. She definitely has issues, but you can't fix them. Tell her what your boundaries are regarding her and her MM-BF. Tell her you don't want to hear about him or be around when he is around, if that is how you feel. Show her the love that she is looking for in him or dysfunctional relationships to begin with. You are right that good can come out of this situation. You are so strong and level-headed.

 

Maybe mom didn't teach you directly, but it seems you did learn right from wrong very well. No parent is perfect. Even the ones that seem perfect are not. Ask THEIR kids? Love your mom anyway. Disappointment in our parent's humanity only keeps coming faster the older we get. Trust me on that one.

 

My concern about your post is that you seem to think that you didn't deserve anything from your dad. Since you didn't get anything I wonder if he even considered leaving anything to you and your brother to begin with. That is so wrong. Its not good that his "real" family got everything and all you got was a photo ID. He's your dad.

 

I am sure that you are not intending to intrude into their lives, but they could have given you more than that. Maybe you'll find that you DO want more of your dad's past. Don't be afraid to ask for it, if its reasonable.

 

You have to start standing up for yourself. Stop shying away because of how you got here. You are here now, and dammit if people shouldn't take notice. How you got here is not your issue or even the issue. Hold your head up higher than you have it. Don't apologize for existing. Don't apologize to your mom or anyone else for having boundaries that you expect them to respect.

 

You sound like you are searching for answers. Have you considered therapy of any kind? Art therapy is really good and less intrusive (you don't talk as much, the therapist interprets your drawings and color choices almost like a palm reading - its really scary the insights they come up with on such innocent things like metalic blue).

[smoochygirl]

Thanks for the support and advice, i appreciate it so much. Right now my therapy is my husband, I'm happy that he is very supportive to me with everything. I am not much affected anymore about my mom being my dad OW because it is all over. I never ask for anything from my dad but just i am glad he never turn his back on his responsibility for me and my brother when he is still living, As far as his real families concern i am not mad or hate them, they have all the rights and they can enjoy what they get from my dad (their dad), I am now grown up and i have my own families and life and it turn out to be good, thanks god. The only thing now is my mom is forever OW and it is hurting me. She hang up the phone on me when she think i am being a smart a** to her when she ask my opinion about her relationship with this MM. (She's not calling me yet until now since she hang up on me a few days ago) I just can't give her a good advice and opinion because as much as i've try to understand her situation i am still against her being with a MM. I know she just love him but i am afraid where is she gonna end up one day, My mom is getting old and i think she needed a guy who is not in a committed relationship. Believe it or not this MM wife's is a preacher and the reason why they are not divorce is because in our home country divorce is illegal and adultery is a crime and i guess that is why my mom and this mm lives in another country but my mom is afraid that one of these days, weeks, months, or years this MM will go back to his wife and kid and i will not wonder why. my mom told me that this women would not leave her husband as she believe that marriage is for eternity. I would like to tell my mom about this LS to get some insight and advice from OW. I do understand OW but it is really hurt because no matter what my mom do she will never make this wrong doing right.

[Cobra_X30]

Smoochygirl,

 

I dont know if this will help, but my mom is like this too. I have not even spoken her name in 11 years. It hurts sometimes... but my life is so much better for the lack of contact. Focus on the family that matters! The family that loves you!

 

Best Wishes!

[smoochygirl]

Thanks cobra_x30, You are very right about that, without talking to my mom makes my life a whole lot better, but i cannot do that because i love her and i am so much worried about her situation and to be honest i think she is taking advantage of this. We didn't talk for awhile when i turn 17 years old, she never really help me when i have a problem, i work for myself and studied, luckily i am here now in the US pursuing my dream to become Vet and she suddenly want me to become her daughter. But i love her i never experience to have a mother and growing up seeing my cousins and friends getting attention from their mother makes me jealous all my life.

 

I should have posted in a family forum because this is more likely a family thing but i choose to post here since my mom is OW. I would not tell my mom about LS because i realized i post this thread I'm afraid she might read this and get back at me screaming. Sometimes i really think she been very selfish, she left me and my brother since when i was 8 years old, she only see us only every two years for 2 weeks and never really see us growing up because she chooses to be with this MM than her own kids. She even admit to me recently that she was trying to get pregnant by him, (she really forget i am her daughter she abandoned), The last time i see her in person was i was 15 years old 7 years ago. But i am still longing for a mother though she always says she is longing for us, i just don't know how i would believe her. I remember when i was young i am not allowed to call her "mommy" because her MM that time have no idea that she has a kids. I can't believe that she did that but until now she won't admit why she did that she always say because of her job might get affected since they don't know she has kids. It always tear me up to call her "Aunt" when i have to talk to her on the phone. But now MM knows everything, he talks to me sometimes and he seems nice but still married. But when i sounded arrogant and mean she wondered why and she said she didn't "RAISED" me to be like that. That i will not be in this world without her, and she would get really mad that i am more close to my aunt who raise me than her. I really need this to come out on my system since i have been quite about this my whole life.

[bones]

You've had a rough go of it for sure. Celebrate the fact that you rose above it all to become a gracious, caring and forgiving person. Stay in contact with your mother. Just realize you will never change her and try not to react to the sobbing. The good in the situation is that you are a strong person because of your past. When your mom is gone, you will have no regrets.

[child_of_isis]

Do not tell me how to phrase things. Nor how to support, nor encourage. I will do it my way. I am not looking for your approval concerning how I do things.

And what do you have, a crystal ball?!

 

How unfeeling! Can you phrase that even a little more tactful? I thought the point was to support and encourage instead of tear down...

[smoochygirl]

Thanks bones i appreciate it so much for encouraging me to still love my mom despite of her lack of love to me. I'm sorry for too much drama here this is the only place i know i can get my emotion out of my system. I have been hiding this for years. I do love my mom so much. I don't feel that she love me and my brother and i feel that she only love herself. Especially now that she hasn't been calling me since she hang up the phone on me, She don't realized that she's not the only person that are stress in this world. She always thought it is only her that are suffering. i am grown up now and i know she cause her self this trouble she's in now. I think people choose their lifestyle they are in now and my mom is one of the person who blame everybody but herself. I hope she realized how lucky she is to have me and my brother because we love her. Thanks for everyone that listen and give me advices. This is hard that my mom is acting this way. I am worried and i hope she is ok. I am going to get NC with my mom, but if she will contact me i will talk to her. now she's making me feel like Im a bad person and not talking to me at all. I am her daughter and hopefully she won't forget that.

[target-d]

I've read this post over and over and over and I still don't understand. Why do you consider yourself to be abused? Or really, why does anyone here consider you to be abused? Your life may not have been picture perfect, but picture perfect lives only really happen on TV.

 

You say your Mom almost wrecked your life. How? By falling in love with your Dad? If your Mom had not fallen in love with your Dad you would not exist. It may not have been the perfect arrangement, but you lived with your Mom and Dad at least for a time, which is more than many children get. Granted your Dad's wife and that family didn't like you, you said they abused you, but didn't elaborate how. Nonetheless, all blame is placed upon your Mother.

 

You don't seem angry with your father, who is dead, only your mother, yet your Dad was just as much involved in the affair as was your Mom. You said your Mom left to find another job to support the family, and that you have not lived with her since you were about 8 years old. Is that what you find abusive?

 

Why do you think your Mom should live her life by your rules and beliefs? She's not demanding that YOU have an affair. By the sound of it, she wants you to accept and love her as she is. I believe that is called unconditional love.

[smoochygirl]

]

I've read this post over and over and over and I still don't understand. Why do you consider yourself to be abused? Or really, why does anyone here consider you to be abused? Your life may not have been picture perfect, but picture perfect lives only really happen on TV.

 

1.

Sorry if i didn't elaborate what had really happen to me and my brother when i was young. Well my dad's family, my dad's sister and brother, and my dad's own Mom are not good to us. We are not allowed to eat in the table with them when they are eating, we have minimum food and are not allowed to open refrigerator, we always get slap in the face or any part of our body when they feel like it, They curse at my mom because they think what she did was wrong and whenever they see us they put all the hatred to us. all my dad can do since he was sick is cry. He is disable from his decease. I go to school with sleepers and don't have a proper uniform. sometimes i don't have food all day when they hate me. I work at a bakery store when i was 8 years old just so i have money to buy notebook and pencil. To my dad's family's eyes i am a maid who do their household chore and if i made a single mistake i get hit. My mom send money every month to my dad and his mother was the one to manage the money, well i remember sending my mom letters and told her that i can't do this life anymore, she stop sending them money and after that, my dad's mom along with her "alipores" left us with my dad who is sick and disable. after at-least a month my mom came home and took us from them.

 

 

You say your Mom almost wrecked your life. How? By falling in love with your Dad? If your Mom had not fallen in love with your Dad you would not exist. It may not have been the perfect arrangement, but you lived with your Mom and Dad at least for a time, which is more than many children get. Granted your Dad's wife and that family didn't like you, you said they abused you, but didn't elaborate how. Nonetheless, all blame is placed upon your Mother.

 

2.

I blame here because she promise us that she will come home after 5 years of staying and working in another country, well She's there for 14 years now. She choose her MM over us. He didn't even know before that she has kids and were not allowed to call her "MOM" when we talk to her because for her OWN benefit. Again we get another abuse from my mom's family but not as bad as my dads family. We get hit my drug addict uncle. My grandma hit us too and my aunt. They always curse on me and hate me, i grew up and hate every one of them. She can't make a good decision for us because she don't see us. In elementary school i been to 5 different kind of school, i feel like a ball bouncing to each of my mom's family. in high school i been to 4 different kind of school, in college i run away and live on my own because i hate my life with them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You don't seem angry with your father, who is dead, only your mother, yet your Dad was just as much involved in the affair as was your Mom. You said your Mom left to find another job to support the family, and that you have not lived with her since you were about 8 years old. Is that what you find abusive?

 

3.

She left when i was 8 years old and didn't come back, she visit every two years for two weeks. When i was 15 years old that was the last time i saw her. I am not mad at my dad, he is very sick since when i was 7. He is disable and all he can do is cry. I have a good memory with only him and my brother in my family.

 

 

 

Why do you think your Mom should live her life by your rules and beliefs? She's not demanding that YOU have an affair. By the sound of it, she wants you to accept and love her as she is. I believe that is called unconditional love.

 

4.

I love her. and yes i accept her decision. Does she have unconditional love for her children? Sorry i don't feel it. It is her selfishness who won the battle.

[smoochygirl]

1.

Sorry if i didn't elaborate what had really happen to me and my brother when i was young. Well my dad's family, my dad's sister and brother, and my dad's own Mom are not good to us. We are not allowed to eat in the table with them when they are eating, we have minimum food and are not allowed to open refrigerator, we always get slap in the face or any part of our body when they feel like it, They curse at my mom because they think what she did was wrong and whenever they see us they put all the hatred to us. all my dad can do since he was sick is cry. He is disable from his decease. I go to school with sleepers and don't have a proper uniform. sometimes i don't have food all day when they hate me. I work at a bakery store when i was 8 years old just so i have money to buy notebook and pencil. To my dad's family's eyes i am a maid who do their household chore and if i made a single mistake i get hit. My mom send money every month to my dad and his mother was the one to manage the money, well i remember sending my mom letters and told her that i can't do this life anymore, she stop sending them money and after that, my dad's mom along with her "alipores" left us with my dad who is sick and disable. after at-least a month my mom came home and took us from them.

 

2.

I blame here because she promise us that she will come home after 5 years of staying and working in another country, well She's there for 14 years now. She choose her MM over us. He didn't even know before that she has kids and were not allowed to call her "MOM" when we talk to her because for her OWN benefit. Again we get another abuse from my mom's family but not as bad as my dads family. We get hit my drug addict uncle. My grandma hit us too and my aunt. They always curse on me and hate me, i grew up and hate every one of them. She can't make a good decision for us because she don't see us. In elementary school i been to 5 different kind of school, i feel like a ball bouncing to each of my mom's family. in high school i been to 4 different kind of school, in college i run away and live on my own because i hate my life with them.

 

3.

She left when i was 8 years old and didn't come back, she visit every two years for two weeks. When i was 15 years old that was the last time i saw her. I am not mad at my dad, he is very sick since when i was 7. He is disable and all he can do is cry. I have a good memory with only him and my brother in my family.

 

4.

I love her. and yes i accept her decision. Does she have unconditional love for her children? Sorry i don't feel it. It is her selfishness who won the battle.