A Confession and Question(s)

[OpenBook]

selfless is about ONE person not two. Selfless is deciding for YOURSELF that YOU deserve less.

 

I strongly disagree with this. Selfless is deciding that you love the other person MORE than you love yourself. (Loving yourself doesn't even enter the picture.) It's putting aside your own selfish needs so that another will benefit. The trick is knowing when to be selfless, and when you really need to look out for your own @ss.

 

SELFLESS is a personal choice which has NOTHING to do with love, especially SELF love.

 

Again, I strongly disagree - it has EVERYTHING to do with love. For what other reason would a person be selfless??

[EnigmaXOXO]

A rough but honest read from one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever seen grace this side of the forum. You’ll do well to note it ... cause the lady knows her stuff.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68968/

[NoIDidn't]

BJB, there ARE a few on this site, TogetherForever and GEL are just two that I know of.

 

 

Off-topic: GEL's MM left his M? That's news. Must have only been told in PMs.

[GreenEyedLady]

Off-topic: GEL's MM left his M? That's news. Must have only been told in PMs.

 

I think she was referring to people who are happy in their R...he hasn't left...yet...

[NoIDidn't]

A rough but honest read from one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever seen grace this side of the forum. You’ll do well to note it ... cause the lady knows her stuff.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68968/

 

 

OldEurope is the BOMB!!!!!

 

Thanks for this.

[NoIDidn't]

To the OP

 

If you are afraid to give him his space to do what he needs to do concerning his M, your R is not likely to be a strong one. If you accused him of offering you NC in an attempt to keep you both, you don't trust him enough for your love to be lasting. Think about these two things. It shows the major cracks in the foundation of your AR.

 

Now, if I were in your situation, this is what I would do - and what I did do.

 

My H had an EA almost two years ago. I found out about it. I was heartbroken, but not going to let it destroy me. It was a wake up call if nothing else. I love my H and wanted our M, but I was not about to hold him hostage if he didn't want to be there. I told him so, honestly and lovingly. He saw the confident and capable woman that he married reflected in those words and actions (I went to IC, he went to IC, we went to MC). We are better than ever.

 

In your case, I would walk away and tell him about my love and that I wanted to give him time and space to handle his affairs with his M. I would tell him that I had a time limit - something very reasonable like one year. I would tell him that this was a time of total NC for no distractions, no getting back into the A - when/if we got back together it would be a full on R without any pretense or hiding or secrecy.

 

You gotta show him more than how much you love him if you want him. You gotta be on your A-game - and that doesn't mean cook great meals, keep a clean house, and always smile when you see him. It means you have to show him that there is more to you than just getting him and loving him. He has to know that you have boundaries, self-respect, loyalty, confidence, and the ability to keep all of those intact regardless of the outcome of the A. If you crumble into a puddle just because of thinking through the possible outcomes, you have lots of work to do. If he sees that you can walk away from so great a love and still have warm feelings for him without any blame and firm boundaries, that will work in your favor.

 

Sorry for the book.

[LucreziaBorgia]

..... my state has 'alienation of affection', should I be concerned? I don't think I'm 'worth suing', because I really don't have any assets, but I don't know.

 

I live in an AOA state, where the OW/OM can also be sued for criminal conversation as well. Not a pretty site, and more than a few OM/OW have been dragged to court, embarrassed, and found themselves on the losing end of huge lawsuits. In many of those cases, the BS won't actually see a dime but its all good for them. The OM/OW got publicly vilified, humiliated for being a 'homewrecker' and it became a matter of public record for all to see - family, peers, coworkers, etc, so in a sense they did end up paying for their part in destroying a marriage. Is that something you want to happen to you? You may not have assets, but sometimes there are more important things to lose than just money.

 

In my state, the OW/OM can be sued for AOA and CC even if the married couple is separated and living in separate residences - so I wouldn't be considering cohabitation until you get some legal advice about what repercussions that has in your state.

 

Honestly, if you want to be with this guy the best thing you can do right now is to continue to fly under the radar until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. That may take a while - in my state for instance, you have to wait a year and a day after the day you move to separate residences before you can file the divorce papers.

 

I wouldn't stay with him, and risk that sort of legal and public exposure unless he showed a real intent to leave: getting a legal separation (if your state has those), a place of his own, and lives his life separately from his wife.

[bluejeanbebe]

 

I know you are being told all the usual, "If he's cheated on her then he will cheat on you!" Yes, of course that's a possibility, but you love this man and you should take a chance on him if that's what will make you happy. Always better to regret something you have done than something you haven't done! Remember that some people marry young and change - they are with the wrong person. Then (even though it's not morally right) they find someone who they truly believe will make them happy. It IS possible and you won't know until you try.

 

Best of luck x

 

 

Thank you so much PP, so true. Would much rather take the chance and possibly regret than not and then just wonder.... When we all go to our deathbeds- are we thinking of the risks we did take or the ones we didn't?

[woe_is_me]

A rough but honest read from one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever seen grace this side of the forum. You’ll do well to note it ... cause the lady knows her stuff.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68968/

 

With all due respect to OE ..and as eloquent, informed and fluent as her posts may be...the married man in her situation is 24 years her senior...

 

Seriously how hard is it for any woman to snare a man 24 years her senior..??

That's if they're into elderly guys to begin with...

[child_of_isis]

Also, it is waaaay to much work for a man. Geesh. I can't see myself working that hard.

 

Geisha, Queen...wholesale improvement? Ack!

 

I think if you are aiming to be a strong woman, you should do it for yourself. Not to hook a man.

With all due respect to OE ..and as eloquent, informed and fluent as her posts may be...the married man in her situation is 24 years her senior...

 

Seriously how hard is it for any woman to snare a man 24 years her senior..??

That's if they're into elderly guys to begin with...

[Vixen01tx]

He's sorting out the best way to leave her (yes kids are involved, so obviously it's not like flipping a switch), but he hasn't done it yet. So I have to prepare for either outcomes, him deciding to not leave her (which I woulnd't stick around after that) and him actually leaving her for me. He wants a life with me- he's now trying to figure out how to do it. I'm trying to be patient.

 

... And you are comfortable with this? Him leaving her for you? What makes you so special that you will not one day be "her" and another "OW" will be asking the same questions on some random website? That it what you ultimately have to ask yourself. I believe that love and sex are two separate things, so I would never judge someone for being the "OW". At the same time, you have to be smart about it. If you are so wonderful and he truly is willing to leave a woman he made a commitment too, don't you think there would be no hesitation in the matter?

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much PP, so true. Would much rather take the chance and possibly regret than not and then just wonder.... When we all go to our deathbeds- are we thinking of the risks we did take or the ones we didn't?

 

Then go NC with him UNTIL his divorce is final. Do not be part of his life during this time. He will need to be alone before jumping into a relationship with you and starting a new life with you. How do you expect him to just let go of ALL that he had, his wife - The life they shared and built together, family/friends/neighbours...Their history, having children together...Do you expect him just to dump all that and BOOM, he's in your bed and living life happily with you, forgetting all that he once had? His wife will ALWAYS be part of his life, and that is something you'll have to deal with. Let alone, possibly being step-mom to his children. All I can say is IF your wonderful dream comes true one day, PLEASE put his children's needs first.

 

See, you have unrealistic expectations. He offered you NC, you refused. Why? Because I think you don't trust him enough to actually end things with his wife. So, you still being in contact with him, continuing your affair with him is your way of keeping control, having say on what he does, when to push him more if by summers end he hasn't talked to his wife.

 

Why not do this honestly? Tell him goodbye now. IF he really does want to end his marriage, choose you over his wife and family, he will do that, even if you two are in NC mode. A man who REALLY wants out of his marriage, will make it happen.

 

Ask yourself this. If you were NOT in the picture at all, meaning no affair and he hadn't met you, do you believe he would be ending his marriage anyway?

 

I just don't understand how some people expect a person to END their marriage and then start a new life so quickly with someone else.

[GreenEyedLady]

You know, I find it funny that there is so much argument over him leaving for himself or leaving to pursue another R...

 

How many people just wake up one day and think I'm going to get divorced?

 

Go look over in separation and divorce...As soon as someone says their spouse isn't in love with them and want a divorce, guess what the first piece of advice is? He's having an A...

 

And you know, while waiting til he is divorced seems like a good idea in theory...Is anyone going to seriously wait around for that process? Come on let's be realistic, sometimes they take years...And then one person is waiting for dry ink? You know your partner...Put yourself in their shoes...What would you want your partner to do for you?

[mopar crazy]

My H did leave me for the OW but it didn't last long. Their A started out as an EA and then turned into a PA after he said he wanted a D and I kicked him out of our home. Their A lasted about about 5-6 months. He claimed he did not want the D b/c of her, but b/c we fought all the time. Whatever!

 

After we split up I think he started thinking w/ his head on his shoulders rather the one between his legs. I think he realized that just b/c she worshipped the ground he walked on it wasn't worth ending our M. As the old saying goes, he found out the grass was not greener on the other side.

 

Even if your MM does leave his W don't get your heart set on him staying away from her. He could, I'm not saying he couldn't, but just don't get your hopes up and get hurt.

 

I don't know about the laws there but my state is a no fault.

[RealityCheck]

And you know, while waiting til he is divorced seems like a good idea in theory...Is anyone going to seriously wait around for that process? Come on let's be realistic, sometimes they take years...And then one person is waiting for dry ink? You know your partner...Put yourself in their shoes...What would you want your partner to do for you?

 

Agreed!

However I would hesitate for the move out with W and move in with me sha.bang!

[fisherfool]

And you know, while waiting til he is divorced seems like a good idea in theory...Is anyone going to seriously wait around for that process? Come on let's be realistic, sometimes they take years...And then one person is waiting for dry ink? You know your partner...Put yourself in their shoes...What would you want your partner to do for you?

 

Whether one waits for the divorce to be final or not one should wait until they two married persons are no longer living in the same home and the divorce has been initiated.

[whichwayisup]

Whether one waits for the divorce to be final or not one should wait until they two married persons are no longer living in the same home and the divorce has been initiated

 

That and their lives are completely separate from eachother in every way.

[RealityCheck]

That and their lives are completely separate from eachother in every way.

 

If there are children from the marriage their lives will not be completely separate. There will always be that link.

[NoIDidn't]

If there are children from the marriage their lives will not be completely separate. There will always be that link.

 

I think WWIU meant separate in that they no longer have joint checking accounts and other obligations like credit cards and mortgages together (unless part of D settlement).

 

Of course, its assumed that if kids are in the picture, they will have them as a link.

[PoshPrincess]

I think she was referring to people who are happy in their R...he hasn't left...yet...

 

Yes, I was. Sorry, didn't explain myself very well there! And GELs man doesn't sound like the 'cake-eater' type. He WILL be with her, IMO.

[PoshPrincess]

Thank you so much PP, so true. Would much rather take the chance and possibly regret than not and then just wonder.... When we all go to our deathbeds- are we thinking of the risks we did take or the ones we didn't?

 

This was the only advice I could give BJB, as I truly regret not standing by my man. I went about everything the wrong way and would hate to see you do the same if, in your heart, you really love this man!