Shades of Grey Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 No OW wants to believe that she has been used to fill a mans selfish desire. No BW wants to believe that when she gives her H a second chance, he will cheat again. But, we make the choice to take that chance and if we are hurt in the end, we only have ourselves to blame no matter the reasons. I completely believe in some instances that the MM makes a huge mistake in having an affair with an OW and very much wants to go back and make things work with his W whom he realises he loves. You're also right to say that no OW wants to believe that she has been used to fill a mans selfish desire. However in my A I actually would have felt so much better in knowing that my MM wanted to go back to his W for the right reasons and really make a go of things. I know that sounds weird but I would have found that easier to accept. The reason I found it so difficult to understand was because I knew that wasn't the case. And I was right. He was back outside my house within days saying he didn't know if he had made the right decision, he was so confused, he still loves me so much. W clearly hasn't got the message that she needs to keep him on a leash if she wants him to stay faithful. The whole thing is very sad imo. Every MM, every A, every BS, every OW is different.
Author fisherfool Posted August 9, 2007 Author Posted August 9, 2007 No OW wants to believe that she has been used to fill a mans selfish desire. No BW wants to believe that when she gives her H a second chance, he will cheat again. But, we make the choice to take that chance and if we are hurt in the end, we only have ourselves to blame no matter the reasons. To say one only has oneself to blame is in my mind a healthy way of thinking. Thus one takes on responsibility for your life and health. To say that an other has been used only to fill a mans selfish desire is in my opinion belittling to all involved. Even if the end result is that the man does not stay with the other it seems that usually there is more involved then simply selfishness. The man involved is also having issues of a serious nature or he would not partake in the affair. The spouse who has chosen to forgive cannot it would seem hold onto the thought that they would be cheated upon again or the forgiveness could not endure. I like the way you think, and thank-you for your thoughtful response.
BurriedAlive Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 I think it is crucial for ow to know and understand the real reason why. I think it is a precursor to how she will handle herself when/if MM comes back for the kill. If she is fully understanding the truth, then she will be stronger. She will be able to say...'hey, I deserve better' and flip the blood sucking gnat from her. I think she will also be less likely to fall into a MM's trap again. Be it her former one or a new one that decides to prey on her. I just wanted to tell you COI that I have found your last couple of posts very helpful and insightful. Thanks!
BurriedAlive Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 Simply b/c the BS has been extremely hurt...I have heard it said more then once since MY D day that finding out that SO has cheated is actually WORST then a death...When somone dies, it's final..you HAVE to move on..When there is an A...you still have the person there to deal w/ and look at and in your life if there are kids involved..You are constantly rememinded of of the A's...You imagine your SO w/ another, in bed, in the car for a Sunday drive on a spring day, havin lunch, traveling together, talking about initmate and personal things that should only be talked about between the H and W....It's a betrayal like no other...Everyone has their own personal way of handling pain and betrayal, but I believe a common trait amoung all of is in dealing w/ this is the inability to move on quicky enough for the spouse who was the betrayed...JMHI. Wow, OOD, I really feel your pain. You are absolutely right, it must be horrible to have the reason for your pain under your feet all the time. While I will admit that what you describe about the constant reminder of the A is very similar to my perspective as an xOW, to see that reminder in the flesh everyday would be worst. I get very emotional if I just as much as pass my xMM on the road and that doesn't happen often so I can only imagine what it would be like to see him all the time. That's what happened yesterday. I seen him go by for a split second and I started to shake and cry when I got home. It's awful - and it has been 4 months since NC was initiated. I have found this very much like a death as well only for me it's like someone I loved with all my heart has died and I found out after his death that he wasn't the man I thought he was....
silktricks Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I have found this very much like a death as well only for me it's like someone I loved with all my heart has died and I found out after his death that he wasn't the man I thought he was.... sounds familiar....
NoIDidn't Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 fisherfool Where you see anger, I see intense conversation each side trying to gain insight from the other. I don't believe in closure, BTW. And I don't believe that anyone seriously makes life decisions based on the banter read on an internet forum. Its a release. Some place you can say what you really think, and not have to burden the ones IRL with - with respect, mind you. Notice that the same questions are asked again and again and again. Who has someone IRL that's not being paid that they can do this with before that person starts to avoid them? At least here, with the title of the forum, we know we are in the right place for those conversations and no one is likely to tell us that they are tired of hearing the same tired story. Well, a little tired, but that is what this forum is about - affairs and all of the emotions that come with them.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 And I don't believe that anyone seriously makes life decisions based on the banter read on an internet forum. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? I'm taking your advice and becoming an OW. OK , granted it was another thread, but are YOU telling me that I shouldn't make life decsions based on your advice??? It sounded good to me!
NoIDidn't Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 And I don't believe that anyone seriously makes life decisions based on the banter read on an internet forum. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? I'm taking your advice and becoming an OW. OK , granted it was another thread, but are YOU telling me that I shouldn't make life decsions based on your advice??? It sounded good to me! LMAO!!! Well it does work for at least one person here. Why not you too?
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