LoveLace Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Say you've been with someone (sord of on & off) for like 10 yrs, then you live together, get engaged, and come to find your partner has been seeing someone else because you apparently haven't made them happy enough...then they leave you for the other and get married to them like right away...I'm talkin' wedding plans were being made and everything... Do you think there is a difference in how a man or woman might handle this happening to them? And how long might it take you to be able to trust someone else's love again? Do you think a man is less likely to invest in a serious relationship ever again?
Ssheena Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Yes, I do think there would be a difference in how a man/woman would handle this. How long would it take to trust someone else's love again? I can't even imagine. I would say years. No, I do not think a man would be less likely to invest in a serious relationship. I think a guy would get over it much faster than a woman at least on the surface.
silktricks Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I don't know if the differences would be gender related. Some people would take it harder than other people, though.
Author LoveLace Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 I think a guy would get over it much faster than a woman at least on the surface. You'd think.
Trialbyfire Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 It's a variable per person, although I've noticed that the "tough" guy will rebound on a mad tear to sleep with as many women as possible. The mission statement would be "speed bumping". Of course he would then become bitter and cynical about women and never settle down after that, ending up being a sad and lonely person. Wow, I almost shed a tear over that one. Well...almost...
Author LoveLace Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 It's a variable per person, although I've noticed that the "tough" guy will rebound on a mad tear to sleep with as many women as possible. The mission statement would be "speed bumping". Of course he would then become bitter and cynical about women and never settle down after that, ending up being a sad and lonely person. Wow, I almost shed a tear over that one. Well...almost... ....me too...you hit the nail on the head there....
oppath Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 From my observational experience, guys often appear to get over things more quickly because they will go on a pump and dump terror; women are more likely to get into a relationship sooner. Women end what, 75% of all relationships? I see it much more often that women have the next bf lined up than do men, though men will date date date. Who has truly moved on quicker in that situation? I don't know. It's perspective I guess. I'd say women would handle the situation you described better than men. Men pursue, and women choose -- not always of course -- but men have egos that are incredibly bruised in the above situation. I wouldn't handle it well. It would take me a couple years to trust. A 6 month relationship has taken me nearly 8 months and I'm forcing myself to trust by being George Costanza and doing the opposite of how I want to behave. I just hope independent George and relationship George don't collide, because a George divided against itself can't stand.
melodymatters Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Not to be harsh, but is this the current " reason" your roomie is giving you for not having more of a relationship ?
hope1975 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I think men sometimes take things as hard if not harder then women...but they don't show their emotions in the same way women do. Women will cry to their friends & talk about it, men won't talk about it as much but will date lots of women, & won't settle down for fear of being burnt again. I don't think we realise how badly men hurt sometimes, and I think it can take longer for a man to get over being cheated on, or trust issues, cos they deal with these things mostly on their own, in their own way.
Trialbyfire Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I think it unfair to say that men take it harder, although I agree that it appears to affect their ego or sense of self-worth, more.
hope1975 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 What I actually said is I think they take it "as hard, if not harder" then women. I don't mean men take things harder then women all the time, but I do think they take it harder then we realise sometimes We're all human & being cheated on or whatever is a dreadful thing for anyone to go through regardless of whether they're male or female. I agree it does affect a mans ego & sense of self worth & that's also true for women The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes men are under the impression that society expects them to be able to cope with anything & to be strong & tough all the time. When inside I'm sure they feel as horrible about things as what we do..if not more, cos they feel the need to keep their emotions inside & stay strong, at least outwardly.
underpants Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Say you've been with someone (sord of on & off) for like 10 yrs, then you live together, get engaged, and come to find your partner has been seeing someone else because you apparently haven't made them happy enough...then they leave you for the other and get married to them like right away...I'm talkin' wedding plans were being made and everything... Do you think there is a difference in how a man or woman might handle this happening to them? And how long might it take you to be able to trust someone else's love again? Do you think a man is less likely to invest in a serious relationship ever again? If I had a nickel..... The 10 year on/off thing though. That is not healthy for either party. I mean commit or don't. At some point you evaluate things. That being said I strung my college boyfriend along on/off for like 10 years. I was the commitmentphobe in that... relationship/fwb/friend/fwb/maybe/get the hell away from me I am going to marry someone else...don't ever contact me again. It wasn't until I experienced that shut down that I grew up, at least in that way. Of course I have been forced to suffer long periods of being alone. I learned alot more about myself and am probably a much better partner to those who I became entangled with after. Of course I have other ex's that have gone onto marry someone else. I hope it turns out well for them. I am no longer in their lives, but I wish them all the best. I will say though that IME. Alot of guys have some kind of persecution complex/ego thing going on that I don't fully understand. Like it pains them so much to see me, or hear about me....when they were usually the ones that ended it. Or that they do completely self/relationship destructive stuff that results in an absense of my complete respect. I don't know, maybe I am a flame to the dysfunctional moth men of the world. Now I am depressed....dam'n you global warming.
Trialbyfire Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 The point I'm trying to make is that sometimes men are under the impression that society expects them to be able to cope with anything & to be strong & tough all the time. When inside I'm sure they feel as horrible about things as what we do..if not more, cos they feel the need to keep their emotions inside & stay strong, at least outwardly. I can't excuse an entire gender for their inability to emotionally process by blaming it on societal perceptions. I agree that many men are raised this way but I won't excuse them for remaining as such. Change comes from within yourself. Only you restrict yourself.
Author LoveLace Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 I'm forcing myself to trust by being George Costanza and doing the opposite of how I want to behave. I just hope independent George and relationship George don't collide, because a George divided against itself can't stand. That's funny
hope1975 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I can't excuse an entire gender for their inability to emotionally process by blaming it on societal perceptions. I agree that many men are raised this way but I won't excuse them for remaining as such. Change comes from within yourself. Only you restrict yourself. well said
hope1975 Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I'm forcing myself to trust by being George Costanza and doing the opposite of how I want to behave. I just hope independent George and relationship George don't collide, because a George divided against itself can't stand. That's funny I think global warmings getting to everyone
Author LoveLace Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Not to be harsh, but is this the current " reason" your roomie is giving you for not having more of a relationship ? He isn't using it as a reason at all. I haven't asked him for one. But I do think it's the reason why he acts so bitter about women and claims to not trust any of them, and almost has this "revenge" attitude..not towards me, but with girls he's dated in the past....now he just plain wants nothing to do with them. Anyway, he won't come out and say his Ex is the reason for this, but it must be...
Author LoveLace Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Not to be harsh, but is this the current " reason" your roomie is giving you for not having more of a relationship ? He isn't using it as a reason at all. I haven't asked him for one. But I do think it's the reason why he acts so bitter about women and claims to not trust any of them, and almost has this "revenge" attitude..not towards me, but with girls he's dated in the past....now he just plain wants nothing to do with them. Anyway, he won't come out and say his Ex is the reason for this, but it must be...can't say I blame him
underpants Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Maybe women are just better at letting go? Do I think about ex's, sure. Do I obsess, play games, try to get them back...No (well, not after I realize the effort is futile). If I run into them do I say hi...maybe. Maybe I duck out the back. It's done. I try to look at my present and toward my future. I only want to learn from the past, not repeat it. Men however seem to hold onto the hurt a little more. Maybe the hurt is a way of keeping that person around although they have moved on with their lives? Pretty bleak and really unfair to those that might want to be all that and a bag of chips for you if they could learn to really let go. Maybe the processing is easier for some? I notice this alot. Sometimes I just think it is funny. I had to speak with one ex from over a decade ago. He was all mean to me. He is married with a child. From what I recall he dumped me (but may have been dissappointed when I said...cool okay). Why would he really care about stupid stuff from that long ago? My Dad still holds animosity toward my Mom. It pops out here and there. He has been remarried longer then he was to my mom. Another ex, I did ask about once. He moved I was sad. He broke up with me. Yadda yadda. The mutual friend said my name is to never be uttered and he gets all depressed. Aaaaagh? Oh well, I seem to not repeat mistakes but find creative ways to make new and improved mistakes. Ahhh....I need beer.
Author LoveLace Posted August 10, 2007 Author Posted August 10, 2007 Underpants your funny. Yea the guy I'm referring to ran into the cheating Ex recently, and I think it's been bugging him. My dad left my mom for someone else 15 years ago, but she still isn't over it cuz they got together as teens and were married 22 years. Maybe it's not about gender as much as it's about how long and how serious the relationship was.
underpants Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Underpants your funny. Yea the guy I'm referring to ran into the cheating Ex recently, and I think it's been bugging him. My dad left my mom for someone else 15 years ago, but she still isn't over it cuz they got together as teens and were married 22 years. Maybe it's not about gender as much as it's about how long and how serious the relationship was. Well, It is natural to re-process after an encounter with somone who you loved or who had an impact on your life. It's when this ...goes on and on and on and on that is a flag of not a completely healthy attitude. You mom sounds a little...bitter. Understandably so. However, that kind of bitterness can be limiting to true happiness. I hope she can laugh about it one day and be thankful she at least had a long marriage and great kids. Now she can hook up with some hot young thing....(It's hot and I am kidding). I am sure length of relationships and the impacts (good and bad) made do factor into this stuff. I just think ultimately it is a processing factor or pattern of coping that may indicate someone's ability (or lack there of) to let go and seek happiness on their own two feet. Waiting for the sun to set so that I may venture outside for beer....
Ssheena Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 Go get the beer now and have one for me, please.
uniqueone Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 Say you've been with someone (sord of on & off) for like 10 yrs, then you live together, get engaged, and come to find your partner has been seeing someone else because you apparently haven't made them happy enough...then they leave you for the other and get married to them like right away...I'm talkin' wedding plans were being made and everything... You're really blaming yourself, aren't you? You said you didn't make him happy enough. You're trying to give the guy justification for cheating. Why would you do that to yourself? This doesn't speak well of your self esteem. So the real question here is, do you get over being cheated on. Yes, people do get over it. You realize that you wouldn't want that type of person--the type he was--anyway. He is a cheater. And if you're of the belief that he cheated on you because he found someone "better", you can guarantee it that he'll cheat on her when he finds someone "better" again.
underpants Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 You're really blaming yourself, aren't you? You said you didn't make him happy enough. You're trying to give the guy justification for cheating. Why would you do that to yourself? This doesn't speak well of your self esteem. So the real question here is, do you get over being cheated on. Yes, people do get over it. You realize that you wouldn't want that type of person--the type he was--anyway. He is a cheater. And if you're of the belief that he cheated on you because he found someone "better", you can guarantee it that he'll cheat on her when he finds someone "better" again. I don't think that is the case unique. How I read it was a friend (maybe she wishes it was more) is dwelling on an ex that cheated on him. Said ex is now marrying and he is still upset. Lovelace have you ever seen that movie ...oh what is the name. Ashley Judd, Hugh Jackman, Marisa Tormee? Cows and bull theory. I can't remember the name. It's about a similiar dynamic. Might be worth a rental. It's one of those love comedys that I usually turn off at the devastation point. However, I made it to the end of this one.
uniqueone Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 I don't think that is the case unique. How I read it was a friend (maybe she wishes it was more) is dwelling on an ex that cheated on him. Said ex is now marrying and he is still upset. This is what she said: Say you've been with someone (sord of on & off) for like 10 yrs, then you live together, get engaged, and come to find your partner has been seeing someone else because you apparently haven't made them happy enough...then they leave you for the other and get married to them like right away...I'm talkin' wedding plans were being made and everything... Isn't this a cheater???
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