curiousnycgirl Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I will try to make this brief - as I would really appreciate opinions, so i don't want to lose my audience! My BF and I have been dating for 3 years, and although we had some very rocky times, through therapy we have hit a really good place. To the point that his therapy is now focussed on getting him past his fears of marriage. I have one major issue though. About 6 months into our relationship he lost his job. To the day he has never said why he lost it. Since that time he has not had any income - but has been working very hard on a start up business, and some other independent pursuits. Should any of them do well - he will be very well positioned. Despite having no income he has paid all his own bills, from savings, I only subsidize by paying for what we do together - and a couple of miscellaneous things. Last week he was arrested for DWI. I had no idea how harsh the penalties were for this! Simply because if I have even one drink I know I am not able to drive. Basically the state minimum is that his license will be suspended for 7 months, and he will have to pay about $4,000 in fines - plus he will have to hire a lawyer. More telling to me is that only a week earlier we had been out - and he said he was fine to drive home. Once we were on the highway I realized he wasn't fine and made him pull over (I had not had anything to drink). Later that day we had a long conversation about the fact the he clearly could not trust his own judgement on being impaired or not. Yet a week later he does it again! Not being able to drive is going to cripple his ability to do any business. He knows he will probably have to move into my house, as at least there is mass transit within walking distance - but this is devastating! Do you think he is self destructive? This is very important to me as I am seriously considering marrying this guy. I appreciate any/all input. TIA
Brad_from_NJ Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Do you think he is self destructive? Yes. Think VERY carefully. I mean it! By the way, I've been in that position (well over ten years ago), I don't EVER want to experience that again. Or what I put my family through. It IS a strain on everyone involved.
VIP Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 All this doesn't sound good. He doesn't work for two and a half years. It's ok to want to start your business, but it takes him too long and he should have worked somewhere during this time. He also seems to be quite careless. And the fact that he doesn't really feel that he wants to marry you. It's up to you, if you want to marry him, but I think you might feel sorry if you do.
Krytellan Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 He's demonstrating a pattern of undependable behavior. I have gone through this and it was painful for me to acknowledge that I was my own worst enemy. I wasn't until I faced the truth that I was able to rise above it and start acting like an adult. He needs to acknowledge his pattern of behavior or it will continue. Trust me when I say this. In fact, you might have just found the answer to your previous question. He may have lost his job because of drinking.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Please don't read this as defending him - but to add a little color or at least how I am seeing it (which may be through rose colored glasses) The two events are 2.5 years apart - so I don't think it is a drinking problem. We really don't drink all that often. Secondly I agree that it seems irresponsible - on the other hand I look at a man who is able to pay all his bills, etc for over two years (and still going) off his savings. To me that is very impressive, I know I couldn't do it! My savings simply won't go that far (other than my retirement, which I can't touch) - to me that seems like he has always been quite responsible. Am I just allowing myself to be blinded by love? Oh and BTW the desire to get past his issues with marriage was brought up by him. He told the therapist he wants to marry me, but knows he has some significant issues with committment that he needs help working through. He is 51 years old and never been married before. I really appreciate all the input - please don't take my elaboration above to say I am not taking in what's already been posted. Please keep it coming!
Krytellan Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 You seem to have all the defenses covered. Good luck. Oh, but by the way... savings are not infinite. And check out the savings balance after he gets done defending his DWI.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Calling your BF self-destructive only covers part of the story. Based on your post, he also sounds immature, Narcissistic, lazy and manipulative. Like many others, I've started a business but did so on my own time while I held down another job so I'd have some income during the transition. Someone who stays voluntarily unemployed for 2 1/2 years (while you pay for "what we do together - and a couple of miscellaneous things") and drinks to impairment isn't a candidate for casual companionship, much less marriage. A better title to your post would have been "Do You Think I'm In Denial About My Boyfriend And Our Relationship?" Mr. Lucky
Star Gazer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I know plenty of people who have lost their jobs and gone through periods of being out of work (myself included). I also know plenty of people who have had DUIs. Several of these people have experienced both, and I would not consider any of them self-destructive simply based on these instances. You have to look at the broader picture. Does he take care of his sh*t? I know he doesn't have an employer, but it does sound like this dude is trying to make a good living independently - that's not self-destructive to me. Does he take care of himself physically? You say he doesn't drink often, but when he does, does he binge drink? Does he pay his bills? Is he otherwise responsible?
VIP Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I look at a man who is able to pay all his bills And when you marry, who is going to pay all your bills? I think, that as a man he should be able and willing to provide for the family. he has some significant issues with committment that he needs help working through. He is 51 years old and never been married before. I thought he was immature due to being young. At 51 this is already his lifestyle and I don't think he is going to change. Also coming to the age of 51 and never been married? Why? Why does he want to maary you, if he doesn't want committment? For financial security?
Author curiousnycgirl Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Krytellan - I totally agree, and truly I am not tyring to defend him, I'm trying to be honest and tell a whole picture. Part of that picture does cover good stuff - otherwise I wouldn't love him. However I agree the money cannot possibly last much longer! I've never asked, as I've never thought it was my place. My Lucky - again very good points. I definitely have a history of trying to fix broken things - so perhaps I am holding on to something I shouldn't! Hence the need for a therapist (I have gotten much better at this - but certainly not cured). He was my therapist before the BF started going to him - so even though the BF is benefitting from therapy - the shrink is on my side first and made that perfectly clear. StarGazer - thank you for giving some balance. Yes he has been paying his bills and takes care of his stuff very well (actually has too much stuff - all of which is in mint condition). He exercises every day and has recently lost 25 pounds because HE felt he had gotten sloppy - no one else thought so. I don't think he binge drinks - I think he'll sit around for a number of hours and have a bunch of beers or wine, at least that is what I have seen. I really appreciate everyone's input. I plan on printing this out and reviewing it with my Shrink at my next visit.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2007 Posted August 9, 2007 My Lucky - again very good points. I definitely have a history of trying to fix broken things - so perhaps I am holding on to something I shouldn't! Hence the need for a therapist (I have gotten much better at this - but certainly not cured). He was my therapist before the BF started going to him - so even though the BF is benefitting from therapy - the shrink is on my side first and made that perfectly clear. Two things, nycgirl, make ME curious: 1). Why, if he has savings and assets, are you compelled to foot the bill for the things you do together? 2). Why would you consider having him move in with you under negative circumstances (pending DWI and loss of license) when he wasn't motivated to do so by a sincere desire to be with you ? Mr. Lucky
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