Im losing it

[kirikat]

A week ago today I broke up with the man I've been with for a year. I loved him, and he sometimes "thought" he loved me... but he couldn't commit... and I got tired of reaching for someone who just wasnt all there. He didn't want to break up, but he refused to make any promises.

 

He put it best - I needed a grown up, and he doesnt want to grow up.

 

The next day, I tried to take it back, but he asked for no contact - so he's got it.

 

In one week, I have lost 15 pounds. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't work. I cry - a lot. I have been doing everything I am supposed to do to move on - but I am simply not coping. My friends are helping, I have people taking care of me, Im getting dressed and going out, I am writing in my blog, I am not contacting him.

 

I swear to god, I did not know I would feel this bad. But I must work, I have to eat, I have a child and responsibilities, and this suffering is a luxury I cannot afford.

 

Not to mention, I feel completely stupid. I am a very together, very in control person - and I am LOSING it.

 

HELP PLEASE.

[directx]

Is this your first big breakup, or simply the most painful?

 

I don't know what to say but hang in there.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this face to face?

 

I think most everyone experiences a breakup like you state, so dont' feel you are alone.

 

Do you have a friend you can call?

[kirikat]

No, as a matter of fact - about 5 years ago, my husband of 15 years woke up and said "I dont love you, never did, I want a divorce" - and it kicked my ass. I took our baby, and moved to a foreign country.

 

The thing is, with him, and with every man in my life before or after - the break ups were negotiated things, with everyone staying in the game until the tears were dried and we were all back on our feet again. There has never been, until this moment, a person who wasn't commited and in "relationship" even as it changed and became something else... no matter how hard it was.

 

This is NEW for me. I feel like I am in someone elses life, someone else's story. And I don't like it at all!

[Ssheena]

Take a deep breath. It's all going to work out.

 

I went throught the same exact things you did when I first broke up with my boyfriend. At the time I did it I was so clear that this is what I needed and wanted to do. He was just so different than I am and in such a different place in his life than me (I have kids too). I cried all the time and was a mess.

 

You are not being stupid. You are being a wonderful caring person and mom and you did what was right for you.

 

Maybe what is happening is you are missing what "might" have been as well as what little you two did have. You loved him. He "thought" he loved you. Read what you wrote about him. Make a list of his good attributes vrs his bad ones and I am willing to bet if you are honest with yourself, the bad ones outweigh the good ones.

 

The guy that I broke up with was so nice to me and thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, but that's not enought for a real relationship. He had no drive, no motivation, was a mooch, just was not right for me. I still miss him and he was terrible for me but he was all I had or I thought he was all I had. In reality, I have great friends, like it sounds like you do, I have two kids who love me so much and need me and don't want me to be unhappy, like it sounds like you do. I have a virtual sound board here full of people like me who are more than willing to listen to you and help you in any way we can.

 

In your situation I tend to go on anti-anxiety pills for awhile until I can get myself back under control. Blog, write, post do whatever. Stay strong.

 

Big Hugs to you.

[kirikat]

Sheena, Thank you.

 

I wish his bad attributes were worse, and his good attributes none... but the biggest reason I had to break it was because I could not, in good conscience, stay with someone who was so afraid of commitments.

 

My LIFE is about being committed.

 

Honestly, he has raised my standard in a lot of ways.... and the thing that most hurts - because of him, I am a far sweeter and far gentler person than I was before... its like he took a jungle cat and declawed it. I lost all my toughness, and I feel completely defenseless.

 

My divorce was devastating. I died that day. But, I have always always been really tough, and I got up, and brused off and moved 6000 miles away - and I built a life in a country where I cant even speak the language.

 

Somehow, this baby cut through every defense mechanism I had (I KISSED him. A lot. Passionately. I do NOT kiss people!!!!!! ) - and now, I just feel lost and defenseless... and I am furious that I am whining like a stupid 14 year old girl and wondering "Why didnt you love me....?" I mean, come on, I know better - its not the point.

 

I wish he were a horrible person, but he is a good person. I wish I could hate him, but he did nothing more than be honest about where he is in his life, and what he is or is not ready for. He didn't lie, he didn't cheat - he just didn't commit.

[Ssheena]

My divorce was devastating as well. Only I took my two kids and moved back to the US from a different country.

 

The strength that got you through that time in your life will get you through this as well.

 

It's ok to feel pathetic, whiny - however you are feeling at the moment, it's ok. This is not an easy thing to get through, especially if it is the first real relationship you have had after the divorce.

 

You are strong and you will keep going. It does hurt and it's going to hurt for awhile but you will get through it. No need to hate anyone. Be proud of yourself for putting yourself first and saying I can not accept this and I don't want to be in this position.

 

That is huge. It is setting boundaries. It is taking care of you.

[funkybassplayer]

A week ago today I broke up with the man I've been with for a year. I loved him, and he sometimes "thought" he loved me... but he couldn't commit... and I got tired of reaching for someone who just wasnt all there. He didn't want to break up, but he refused to make any promises.

 

He put it best - I needed a grown up, and he doesnt want to grow up.

 

The next day, I tried to take it back, but he asked for no contact - so he's got it.

 

In one week, I have lost 15 pounds. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't work. I cry - a lot. I have been doing everything I am supposed to do to move on - but I am simply not coping. My friends are helping, I have people taking care of me, Im getting dressed and going out, I am writing in my blog, I am not contacting him.

 

I swear to god, I did not know I would feel this bad. But I must work, I have to eat, I have a child and responsibilities, and this suffering is a luxury I cannot afford.

 

Not to mention, I feel completely stupid. I am a very together, very in control person - and I am LOSING it.

 

HELP PLEASE.

 

 

Can i suggest to lose it? Let your emotions come out, feel the pain.

 

A relationship with no communication is dead in the water, and in time you will feel better. If you dont want to go out dont, if you do , do , but going out for the sake of it, wont do anything but make you feel worse. Sometimes you have to not worry about losing control, cos botteling up the crap just to keep control will only amount to baggage that will re appear at a later date. One week is nothing, and you sound like you are being really hard on yourself. Try to look after yourself, drink water not alcahol, and eat well as you can, cos it will give your body the energy it needs to cope with the loss. Dont expect too much from yourself, sooner or later you will find your way. If he wants no contact, thats his way of dealing with the pain. Maybe at a later date when both of your heads clear, you may be able to talk without rageing emotions controlling your words.

[9Lives]

It is okay to be a mess right now....it is okay to cry alot....You are not stupid or bad or weak. You are hurt and that is how it goes. I am going thru the same thing. I cried all the time for about 2 weeks. This week I feel numb at times and I still think about him but I just have to deal with it. I still love him but I do not talk to him at all. I still look for his emails but they never come and i believe one day, I wont look for those either. I just dont want to see him cause I will have a melt down if I do. share your emotions with us...we are here to pick you up....we have all been thru this kind of stuff...we understand..you are human.

[AriaIncognito]

Take a deep breath. It's all going to work out.

 

I went throught the same exact things you did when I first broke up with my boyfriend. At the time I did it I was so clear that this is what I needed and wanted to do. He was just so different than I am and in such a different place in his life than me (I have kids too). I cried all the time and was a mess.

 

You are not being stupid. You are being a wonderful caring person and mom and you did what was right for you.

 

Maybe what is happening is you are missing what "might" have been as well as what little you two did have. You loved him. He "thought" he loved you. Read what you wrote about him. Make a list of his good attributes vrs his bad ones and I am willing to bet if you are honest with yourself, the bad ones outweigh the good ones.

 

The guy that I broke up with was so nice to me and thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, but that's not enought for a real relationship. He had no drive, no motivation, was a mooch, just was not right for me. I still miss him and he was terrible for me but he was all I had or I thought he was all I had. In reality, I have great friends, like it sounds like you do, I have two kids who love me so much and need me and don't want me to be unhappy, like it sounds like you do. I have a virtual sound board here full of people like me who are more than willing to listen to you and help you in any way we can.

 

In your situation I tend to go on anti-anxiety pills for awhile until I can get myself back under control. Blog, write, post do whatever. Stay strong.

 

Big Hugs to you.

 

Ssheena i swear you and i went through the same relationship. Everything you've said above, I went through (sans the kids part). I truly believe that after we heal a bit, we realize that we miss what we though we had, not what we actually had, because we made ourselves believe what we had was so great, when in actuality, it wasn't, because if it were, we'd not have left it.

 

To the OP - I still miss mine too after 2 months of NC (so far though I do admit i still look for him online but even that has dwindled). It does get easier with time. Try to keep yourself busy as best you can, even though you dont want to at times. Allow yourself to feel things though, don't keep it inside just because you think it might be what you should be doing. You'll find that in time it will get easier. It will still be hard, dont get me wrong, but it will get easier.

[AriaIncognito]

Sheena, Thank you.

 

I wish his bad attributes were worse, and his good attributes none... but the biggest reason I had to break it was because I could not, in good conscience, stay with someone who was so afraid of commitments.

 

My LIFE is about being committed.

 

Honestly, he has raised my standard in a lot of ways.... and the thing that most hurts - because of him, I am a far sweeter and far gentler person than I was before... its like he took a jungle cat and declawed it. I lost all my toughness, and I feel completely defenseless.

 

My divorce was devastating. I died that day. But, I have always always been really tough, and I got up, and brused off and moved 6000 miles away - and I built a life in a country where I cant even speak the language.

 

Somehow, this baby cut through every defense mechanism I had (I KISSED him. A lot. Passionately. I do NOT kiss people!!!!!! ) - and now, I just feel lost and defenseless... and I am furious that I am whining like a stupid 14 year old girl and wondering "Why didnt you love me....?" I mean, come on, I know better - its not the point.

 

I wish he were a horrible person, but he is a good person. I wish I could hate him, but he did nothing more than be honest about where he is in his life, and what he is or is not ready for. He didn't lie, he didn't cheat - he just didn't commit.

 

I feel the same way as you about my ex. His only problem, for me, was he just didn't commit. But then I guess we need to say that the reason they didn't commit, is something bad too, so that's 2 things...

 

I felt for him more than I ever felt for anyone. I felt passion for him like i've never felt for someone. I felt mentally stimulated by him. I felt like we could have had a great partnership. But I guess really, I was giving myself all these feelings, because he did nothing to maintain his side of things. He walked away, a total of 4 times. Well i did the breaking up a few of those times, because I knew i deserved better, and he let me go because he knew it too.

 

He went on to be with a new girl the same week we went NC and as far as I know, he's happy and has forgotten all about me. And that truly sucks. But, in the end, we have to be thankful because they are letting us go so that we can find someone truly deserving of us.

[kirikat]

Nine days post break up.

 

Five day no contact.

 

And every single day has been a living hell.

 

I tried drinking. I felt nothing. I tried smoking. I felt nothing. I tried F***ing..... nothing.

 

Its only been 9 days. Why does it feel like it will be this way forever.

 

I don't regret a single day I spent with him, but I will always regret this time I am spending getting over him.

[JulieJ]

It's okay to be upset. I always tell myself that everything will be okay in the end, and if it's not okay then it's not the end.

[smwhtshy]

Kirikat, sorry you are feeling so crap right now, I am on my 4th month (yay!) NC, and can't believe how much better it is now than weeks back, so hang in there, you're on the way to feeling better. I want to offer two things..

 

1. My ex and I had a bad thing the last few months..she was already grooming some guy in her bike club for when we finally pulled the plug, and when it happened, like you and the "fear of commit" guy, a part of me said whew! finallly that's over, or so I thought. But then a few days went by, and the tears and weight loss started, and that awful "Oh God, what have I done?" feelings started...very tough. Crying, not eating, feeling like a wussy, etc. etc. So, I started trying to figure out why I would miss something that I knew wasn't right..? And I finally found this great article about something called "background objects". These are people and things that are in the background, that we spend time with, and trust to be there...kinda like when we are babies, we really need our moms, they are in the foreground, but as we get older, they become background objects to us, we know they will likely be there after school, that dinner will get made and done, and those needs will be me.. Same as these ex's...as soon as we broke up, I started thinking "Oh, who will I eat with, who will I watch TV with, who will I take to a party, etc. etc. etc." It wasn't about not having a LOVER anymore so much I realized, it was about having that person just being there..! So, maybe if you think of him that way, and minimize any idealizing of him, it will help. You are missing someone who was just "there"...but deep down, you knew on some level that a much better life awaits if you could rip that band aid off, and get the hurt over and done with.

 

OK, #2 (shorter than #1..ha). I have a friend who has been dating the same guy for like 8 years...he is a "fear of commit" guy. He has been clear with her, but she hangs in there, hoping that "one day" he'll come around. Her college pals are almost all married now, some of them with children, etc. and she is still waiting for this guy to just firm up weekend plans with her....AFTER EIGHT YEARS...

 

You did what she has been afraid to do....and while time goes by, her chances diminish, the wistful looks at baby carraiges and wedding dresses get more frequent, and she lies to herself...but on some level, SHE KNOWS ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN, she is in denial, and afraid to face the unknown....so, unlike her, you did the best thing for yourself...and having some understandable pain because of it. The value and importance of anything, is usually relative to the growth and pain we have to experience to achieve it. You are, one day, gonna say Geez, I'm so glad things turned out like this....good luck...

[kirikat]

Running out of words....

 

 

 

Finally, finally - I seem to be running out of words. There is so little, really, left to say.

 

Its been 12 days since I made the decision, and 9 days since I broke it off, and 5 days of no contact, and I still hurt.

 

I still pretend to hope he will call me - and it will all be made right so that I will stop hurting, but the thing is that now, I have so very little left to say. After a year of being willfully unheard, what difference would any of it make? He had a year... and in that year, he never ever valued what we had - I think I overestimated him.

 

So, what would I say - if there were any hope of being heard, or understood? Just this, and no more:

 

1.) All relationships are serious. They are all serious, because we are all

so

precious and irreplaceable. And, we are all - each and every one of us, fragile, broken, and unstable. Unless of course, we have never suffered. And a person who has never suffered hasnt grown enough to have anything to give, because they are not yet fully human.

 

2.) Commitment is a way of life. It doesn't mean you need to get married, or have a house, or babies, or anything else. Commitment is about being where you are, with who you are with, and doing your best to love each person to the best of your ability. Its about willingness... dedication, and a life without a commitment to living is not worth living. Without commiting to our lives and those who share it with us, we are nothing important.

 

3.) Not growing up is not an option. Just like immortality is not an option. You can try and choose not to grow up, just like you can try and choose not to die. You are setting yourself up to fail - and you will hurt many people in the quest.

 

4.) You are already grown up. This is not a rehearsal for some day in the future where your real life begins. THIS is IT. And you never stop growing up. No one is a finished project until the day they die - and if you are a buddhist, not after either. If you resist growing up, what you are doing is refusing to grow at all. And that is truely pathetic.

 

5.) Talking yourself out of loving me was one of the stupidest things you will ever do in your life. Sexual soulmates are not something you get at the market. We were lucky in each other... luckier than you know. The grass will never ever be greener.

 

6.) Our relationship was fundamentally good. While you were busy trying not to love me, when you were with me, you were loving me anyway. There are no bad memories to grasp onto, and in each others presence, there was almost never anything short of joy, and a whole lot of unadulterated ecstacy. It was worth working on. I was worth working for. And you blew it.

 

7.) You are lovely. And kind. And you are a very very stupid boy for letting me walk away.

Oh ... and PS:

8.) You have had 3 or more major motor vehicle accidents, all of which could have killed you, and at least 2 that nearly did. Once is an accident. Three times no longer is... You really need to explore why you crash things. Because, if you don't? You will do it again. How do I know this? Because we repeat everything in our lives, until we learn its lessons.

[9Lives]

 

You did what she has been afraid to do....and while time goes by, her chances diminish, the wistful looks at baby carraiges and wedding dresses get more frequent, and she lies to herself...but on some level, SHE KNOWS ITS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN, she is in denial, and afraid to face the unknown....so, unlike her, you did the best thing for yourself...and having some understandable pain because of it. The value and importance of anything, is usually relative to the growth and pain we have to experience to achieve it. You are, one day, gonna say Geez, I'm so glad things turned out like this....good luck...

 

That was brilliant!!! Thanks for the encouraging words...I now accept my pain.