Northstar1984 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I knew my ex and her new guy were chatting - I knew because he was a friend of a friend. I knew him before she did and I knew what he was like. Regardless of prior knowledge, I've obviously still found this hard. I wouldn't of said he'd be her type.. not in a million years. I believe someone cannot change themselves without determination and resolve, or proffesional help. I doubt she has tried either.. which leads me to believe it's the same girl.. puttin on a new game face. Whether that's true or not, the fact is.. I've seen them out with eachother 5 or 6 times now. She is scared I'll make a scene, or that I'll kick his face in if we met in our town. Because of this, she's making trips up to 30 miles away from us in order to see him. They go for drinks and to the cinema in another county!!!! She has told me they travel these distances to avoid hurting me.. she said she thought it wouldn't be very nice to see them out together. (Which I secretly thank her for..). The first time I saw them was about 2 weeks ago. She was in his car. She looked amazing.. utterly beautiful. I made the most ridiculous choice of my life and decided to follow them.. I still don't know why.. but that's the point. What did I hope to achieve? My seeing them together wouldn't fix anything.. in fact, It'd of just hurt my feelings. Due to this, my first bit of advice is to think before you act. SOOO much easier said than done.. If you suspect that they are out on a date, a drive or a friendly chat.. have a good, long think. Weigh it up. Will you GAIN anything by seeing them together? Probably not. I believe my ex has agreed to date this new guy as part of her "keeping busy" approach to the situation. Whether that is the case or not, is irrelevant. While I sat, moping and wallowing in my own sadness.. she was out, laughing and giggling. I then tried to see the situation for what it was - a girl that had caused me a lot of heart-ache over 4 years, who'd hurt me deeply very recently.. out with the first guy that had shown her attention since we split. I then reminded myself of all the times I felt like I was talking to a brickwall.. all the times I stormed out of her house in a rage.. completely shocked by her unreasonable nature or her aggrevating bad manners and the like. Let him have her! The second time.. again.. heart wrenching.. but.. not as bad... oddly. I had had time to speak to mutual friends on the topic and they confirmed he was indeed, interested in her. Logic would dictate that this would be too soon after we'd split, right? That she'd tell him no.. in plain English. Well, she hasn't yet and I don't see it happening anytime soon. Not as long as he's giving her ego boosts, attention and the compliments she apparently needs.. so soon after the split. She's using him, I think. The next few times I saw them still hurt. And I think it will for sometime yet.. but I found a way of dealing with it. With much mental strain, I managed to take all my happy, found, loving memories of this girl.. package them up and detach them from this odd, heartless, unconsiderate bitch that now walks around in her body. I miss one, I hate the other. The girl sitting in the car with this guy.. the girl walking around town, vising the spots we used to is NOT my special girl. She is a rumour mongering lie bag I greatly mourn the loss of my dear ex, but I care little for this new girl that has emerged like some crappy phoenix from our ashes. She isn't the girl I fell in love with, not by any stretch of the imagination. And because of that, I can't be sad when I see them together now. I hope that makes some sense.. it does in my head and it has helped me no end in rationalising the need to follow, to chase, to sit outside their house.. or find petty reasons to drive past.
funkybassplayer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Shes looking for that honeymoon period again, that feel good factor. You saw the crap side of her cos you got close to her and broke down her wall, her mask, you saw her inner demons. her reality of whats in her head, exept its projected at you, so she wont have to face it. She will be happy for a while, as the honeymoon always is, but sooner or later, the wall will be broken through again, and unless she sorts her self out then it will always happen, all what you described that happened to you. you, this new guy and whoever else will be more baggage on her back. Let her go, and you think of yourself, take time to feel your emotions, and in that time you will learn about yourself, your faults and needs, we all have them but some prefer to off load their reality onto some1 else, so they dont have to feel it, as she did too you, and my ex to me. It made me look into the subject, and im learning about it. The bottom line is she will look for some1 to fill what she does not have, be that love or whatever, and at the end of the day, how much can you compliment some1, or carry their mess of emotions? your cup will run dry, and you will withdraw from her. Maybe im compleatly off the mark, but its Just a thought.
Author Northstar1984 Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Nope, you're right. She took the role of controlling/critical parent, and I; the Adaptive Child. No matter what I did, tried, said or how I acted.. she could only show so much love/affection. She projected her shortcomings and insecurities on me.. Told me I was needy, clingy etc. when really, her need for constant confirmation of her attractiveness etc. was her problem. Not mine. Even when she acted like a bitch, I still shrugged it off and made up in exchange for a hug. It isn't an "adult" relationship, it's a pathetic mish-mash.. probably due in no small part to her childhood. A loveless environment whereby her mother gave her no affection behond the infrequent confirmation of her existence. Her dad took on the role of nurturing parent, despite he himself having a plethora of problems. She is never going to be happy unless she seeks help or makes a conscious effort to change her ways. I, as you quite rightly said, need to take this time to rebuild.. regroup and collect my thoughts. Work out what's good for me.. be selfish for a bit, basically. Attempt to self-actualise and see if I can't build my personality back up. Something she attacked for 4 years. Not directly.. not with abuse or verbal comments.. but in the way she refused a kiss, a hug or to reply to my "I love you..". Looking back, she was at fault 9 times out of 10. Looking back, I could of taken the role of "Adult" within the relationship and she would of gotten upset... probably broken us up. She's doomed, basically. Unless she can find someone happy to adopt the role of Adaptive Child. Even then, she won't be satisfied.. ever. Live and learn, I suppose. See what I mean about seeing her for what she now is? Taking off the rose-coloured glasses and realising what she brought to the relationship, (very little) and what I/you gave. A relationship is worthless unless both are giving and receiving. Otherwise you're being manipulated or controlled.
funkybassplayer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Well you really know what went on on the more issue based asumptions rather than the surface. Yes she proberbly had some crap in her child hood, thats when this starts, and it take someone to peel back her life layer by layer to get to the paintful truth and is she willing to go through that ? Who knows. Like your ex, i had all that and her 3 lost kids, and her hubby that she would not divorce, and like you tried, and would have stayed in there, but she gave up on me, went to another. i guess its easyer to start a new honeymoon than to face the abisis of her dark issues that were starting to emerge, and i bet your honeymoon time was great, like mine. Im not bitter now, cos i have learnt how the mind works (or slowely learning, taking phycology coching, its great!) And i know i would always be there for her as a freind, and i did love the kids, but am looking after me, as you have to now, cos the best thing you can do for her, is let her go, and maybe 1 day she will see she has to face herself. Well done man, you gave her your best shot. Chill out for a bit now, and re charge the ole batteries. All i have done in the last 3 months was think and chill. I havent been to every bar this side of essex, cos its not for me, but my head, with the help of this guy, is returning to a much more sane place where the normal people live!! What you had was a tast of what she has in her. Its a very lonely place to be, but i suspect that you loved her enough as i did to stick by her mess. Well done, you did good.
Author Northstar1984 Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 That's a very good way to put it, bud. I got too close she started getting worried that she was vulnerable - she upped and left, sooner than face her demons. Nevermind... NEXT! Essex you say, I'm 15 mins from Colchester. Seeya for a beer sometime Small world, eh?
zebrasan Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I had a similar experience a few years back. Dated a girl for year, lived with her for a year. We broke up, conitnued to mess around until she found a new guy, then promptly became a raging bitch. Spent hours trying to figure out who this new person was, deconstructed the relationship, analyzed her child etc. You guys know the drill. It wasn't until I focused the attention on myself that I got any real answers i.e. I asked myself the question "What is it about me that was originally attracted to this person and her behavior towards me?", "What is it about me that was willing to put up with second rate behavior?". Because at the end of the day we are beholden only to ourselves. Trying to analyze the other party can be helpful and hurtful at the same time. And I think honestly these people were the same throughout the relationship, the only thing that changed at the end was our perception of them. This wasn't meant to kick ya when your down, just some food for thought.
Author Northstar1984 Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 Same here, in fact Clacton. Anyway, ta for the kind words throughout this crap. I sure as hell didn't need it, and it feels, in all honestly, as a massivee F U from someone I gave a large chunk of myself to. Her loss.. seriously. She's a small-town girl who sets her sights to the horizons but doesn't have the where-with-all to actually make the jump. She's better off single, if we're honest. She's said it herself many times. Meanwhile as I change jobs and expect delivery of my new Impreza in 2 weeks time.. she can continue the receptionist job at a local car dealership And if she gets bored, she's got her new apprentice mechanic boyfriend for support
Author Northstar1984 Posted August 8, 2007 Author Posted August 8, 2007 I had a similar experience a few years back. Dated a girl for year, lived with her for a year. We broke up, conitnued to mess around until she found a new guy, then promptly became a raging bitch. Spent hours trying to figure out who this new person was, deconstructed the relationship, analyzed her child etc. You guys know the drill. It wasn't until I focused the attention on myself that I got any real answers i.e. I asked myself the question "What is it about me that was originally attracted to this person and her behavior towards me?", "What is it about me that was willing to put up with second rate behavior?". Because at the end of the day we are beholden only to ourselves. Trying to analyze the other party can be helpful and hurtful at the same time. And I think honestly these people were the same throughout the relationship, the only thing that changed at the end was our perception of them. This wasn't meant to kick ya when your down, just some food for thought. No no, you raise an awesome point. It's all good. I agree whole-heartedly.. I thouht about this the other day. Before H was C, before C was R. Each of these girls had one or two underlying issues.. security, vulnerabilities, trust problems etc. I seem to attract these girls with warzones in their mind! And you're also right about knowing when to stop psychoanalyzing them, and begin thinking long and hard about yourself. Which is what I've been doing this past week or so.. it's all good.
funkybassplayer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 Im in Witham, play in colchester now and again. You may find, as i dd that you may have a low self worth issue?? Basically, im sorting this one, but it gives us the amazing ability to get kicked in the nuts, then give them a hug! although by the end, i think she knew that i was going no place! cos i put on the nut protectors. Also you may have loads of love to give, as i do, and you may find that their love cup dried up long ago, with only the residue left. They have to re fill it, not us, then and only then should they come back to the table, let s face it, though, they are too selfish to do this, its eaiser to take some1 elses then to fill there own!
relearning2breath Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I understand what you're going threw my ex started dating a girl 1 1/2 months after we broke up. All the while still contacting me and saying I'm his best friend. He says hes in love with her after 2 weeks. But I know him and he's just quick-fixing the problem. He doesnt want to feel lonely and he needs someone to validate himself. Once this honeymoon stage is over he's gonna start the same games he did with me. How do I know? Because (at the time I didnt realize) but I was his rebound from a previous relationship. A 2.5 yr rebound but a rebound nonetheless. He hasnt and wont deal with his baggage. This girl will see it soon enough and things will fall apart. Probably why he wants me in the picture. God forbid he ever has to stand and think for himself. Knowing all this doesnt stop my heart from feeling like it was stabbed with a hot poker. Everytime I start to feel that way or want to look at his myspace, facebook, instant messagener I remember that I wasnt trulyl happy and he hasnt taken some magical pill now and turned into everything I wanted him to be. Simply, I miss the man I wanted him to be. It took awhile but I realize now that the man I wanted him to be is out there...somewhere I got this off a NC site maybe it'll help you get threw the long days/nights ahead. It helped me. "Dig way down inside and find the place that says, no more. Not ever, never again and then just dont, no matter what" I keep telling myself it will get easier. And somedays I take a step forward and other days its like 3 steps back. But as long as you keep moving. Thats all that matters.
funkybassplayer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I understand what you're going threw my ex started dating a girl 1 1/2 months after we broke up. All the while still contacting me and saying I'm his best friend. He says hes in love with her after 2 weeks. But I know him and he's just quick-fixing the problem. He doesnt want to feel lonely and he needs someone to validate himself. Once this honeymoon stage is over he's gonna start the same games he did with me. How do I know? Because (at the time I didnt realize) but I was his rebound from a previous relationship. A 2.5 yr rebound but a rebound nonetheless. He hasnt and wont deal with his baggage. This girl will see it soon enough and things will fall apart. Probably why he wants me in the picture. God forbid he ever has to stand and think for himself. Knowing all this doesnt stop my heart from feeling like it was stabbed with a hot poker. Everytime I start to feel that way or want to look at his myspace, facebook, instant messagener I remember that I wasnt trulyl happy and he hasnt taken some magical pill now and turned into everything I wanted him to be. Simply, I miss the man I wanted him to be. It took awhile but I realize now that the man I wanted him to be is out there...somewhere I got this off a NC site maybe it'll help you get threw the long days/nights ahead. It helped me. "Dig way down inside and find the place that says, no more. Not ever, never again and then just dont, no matter what" I keep telling myself it will get easier. And somedays I take a step forward and other days its like 3 steps back. But as long as you keep moving. Thats all that matters. I would'nt say you or the others were a rebound, as he is the one that cant hold the relationship, as when it gets too hot for him, and his issues come to the surface, and all the crap happens, it will mean eighter he must face them for the present relationship to carry on, (you will say you need your head checked and with your support he may) or he will look for the honeymoon, where all is rosey, and lets face it for some this is the best option as they are too scared or weak to face their problems and deal with them.
relearning2breath Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I can see where it would seem like I wasnt a rebound. But he wanted to keep his ex (before me) in the picture while we were dating. To the point that it started affecting our relationship. He never moved on from her before dating me and when our "honeymoon" phase ran out his insecurities and past problems were a constant battle. He could never let her go. Just like hes trying to hold onto me while hes "in love" with this new girl. Its a pattern. I just started to realize it to late.
funkybassplayer Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 It seems to me that yu need to let him go, as he wants you there, which if its friends and your both cool with that then fine, but any other reason and its crap. You must take the lead, and walk from him. You will be doing you and him a favor, you so you can heal, and him so he may be able to do some growing up. I dont think you are a back up plan, as he will just move to someone new, but i think he may like the idea that he knows your still around should he need to chat. Very unhealthy. People like this move from one to the next, as the old partner, you, know the weakness in him, so you wont be able to give him that honeymoon buzz again. If he really loved you, then he would have nothing to do with you b/c it would be too hard to have you in his life, but as these guys dont have that much love in them, they find it easy to keep people in the picture. I can gurantee you that whatever you do, it will not bother him. plaese dont take this the wrong way, but they just dont fall deep in love cos they cant.
Ormolu611 Posted August 8, 2007 Posted August 8, 2007 I then tried to see the situation for what it was - a girl that had caused me a lot of heart-ache over 4 years, who'd hurt me deeply very recently.. out with the first guy that had shown her attention since we split. I then reminded myself of all the times I felt like I was talking to a brickwall.. all the times I stormed out of her house in a rage.. completely shocked by her unreasonable nature or her aggrevating bad manners and the like. Let him have her! . . . . . I greatly mourn the loss of my dear ex, but I care little for this new girl that has emerged like some crappy phoenix from our ashes. She isn't the girl I fell in love with, not by any stretch of the imagination. And because of that, I can't be sad when I see them together now. I hope that makes some sense.. it does in my head and it has helped me no end in rationalising the need to follow, to chase, to sit outside their house.. or find petty reasons to drive past. Wow, I really enjoy this thread. So much of what you are saying here is so true! I am nearly 6 months after my split with my ex and the sorts of thoughts that you mentioned above have lately been hitting me like an epiphany! The person my ex is now is not the person that I loved. I actually think that I was delusional for a period of time leading up to the end because, I did not see who she had become. She, like your ex, had issues that she always put onto me. Your comment about talking to a brick wall and several other things that you said almost made me fall out of the chair because of the similarities. Ridiculous. My ex too had a jacked up childhood and has dysfunctional parents to this day. She has got serious emotional issues that manifest daily in her life, yet she always put blame on me. Always needy of constant encouragement, cheerleading, etc. Exhausting! Only after 6 months without her am I starting to see how ridiculously hard I had to work just to try to accomodate her. Not supposed to be that way! We must realize that if our exes were good for us, then they would still be with us . . . .period.
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