Feeling terrible :(

[Keelz]

Hi, I'm new to these boards and am not quite sure where to start because my head is full of s***, but I will try to keep this as concise as possible.

 

Basically, I feel absolutely terrible. About 4 months ago my boyfriend of nearly 2 years ended our relationship. The relationship had not been going right for a long time, and he was treating me like a complete jerk, where I eventually dumped him, only for him to come back a week later and apologise for being such a b****** towards me (I stuck by him because I had reason to believe he was depressed) - we talked about it, and I saw a glimpse of the man that I had first met, which I hadn't seen in a long time and I actually fet loved again. After a month I took him back but we split up soon after when it materialised how little I trusted him after everything he had put me through - he was prepared to work very hard to make us work and knew my trust was low, but basically didn't realise how little I trusted him. My trust problems with him go back a long way but this recent episode just finished me off. He said he needs some trust to build on and that he just can't make us work right now a because he can't deal with being under constant suspicion (I won't go into details but I made a huge accusation that could potentially have really hurt him). It feels like he has given up on me just like that, when I stuck by him for months. He said that he hadn't given up on us and that he didn't want to move on, but can't say for sure whether he will ever want to give it a go again and thus says it isn't fair to keep me under lock and key when he doesn't know the outcome (hence his reason for letting me go). The thing that hurts the most is that he feels that if after working so hard to make us work (I haven't seen evidence of this) I ultimately don't believe a word he has ever said, than it has been a complete waste of time, and he isn't going to put himself through more. The thing is, I know things he doesn't know that I know...and to be honest, he has a nerve saying he can't stand being under constant suspicion...I'd accept that if he'd never lied or done anything wrong. He acknowledged his role in my trust problems when we talked, or so I thought, but I guess this final accusation just went too far for him.

 

Anyway, over the last few months I've been in denial but just recently am slowly accepting that I don't think we will ever work out (think I'm in transition between denial and the next stage), he has hurt me too many times, and although he says he will always love me, I haven't felt loved by him for a long long time (other than in the short time we were back together). He hasn't been there for me...he is just so wrapped up in his own life and how much he doesn't like it. He has let me go so easily, I don't understand how he can let me go just like that after telling me how he couldn't bare to lose me a few weeks previous. I also got on really well with his mum (she was more of a mum to me than my biological mum) and I miss her so much.

 

The problem is this - I still love him and miss him (I think I miss the man I fell in love with, not who he is now). I will always love him though, no matter what he puts me through. He wants to stay friends but we are more like aquaintances at the moment. I don't contact him but he still contacts me on MSN everyday (we have never really spoken on the phone much, even through our relationship). He really doesn't seem to be taking this too badly (I know he would tell me if he was) and it just seems so unfair that I'm taking this so hard and he isn't. It just confirms to me that he don't love me like he says he does. I know that his daily contact with me is doing me no good - it's just added pain hearing what he is up to without me and how little he seems to need me now....but I'm in an awkward spot - he is returning to University after a year out in October and we will be in every lecture together, so it's not like I can avoid him. I should hate him for what he has done (I haven't gone into details) but I just don't I'm just worried I'm going to feel like this forever...it's been 4 months and I feel worse not better. I don't understand why I want to keep in contact with him when I don't like who he is anymore really. I told him recently how I felt and he asked me if I wanted him to give me some space and said that he hadn't got over anything despite my feeling that everything is fine for him. I just don't know what to do - I know it's best not to keep in contact for now, yet I can't seem to let go!

 

To make things worse I made a mistake in deciding to work up in my University town over summer as opposed to going home. The reasons for this are complicated, but I have nobody to keep me company now I've done this. I'm stuck in a full time job that I dread because of fear/a supervisor that puts me on edge, and I come home to an empty room. My friends have all gone home for the summer, and I guess it just perpetuates the sadness I feel now that my ex boyfriend no longer wants me in his life. I wish we could work but I know we can't, so why can't I move on? I wish I didn't miss him, I wish I could cut him out, I'm seriously on the edge. The pain is just so intense, I just wish he felt the same, that would be some comfort to me at least. I thought I'd be fine living on my own once I had found a job but I'm not at all. I don't finish this job until the end of september

 

I hate waking up in the morning only to remember everything, and be taunted by all the things he has done/the fact that it's over (I'm gradually starting to accept that, but it's taking time), and then realise I've got to endure another shift at work. I'm tired of wondering what he is doing, whether he misses me, and basically just feeling so so low in other areas of my life. I wish I would die, although I have no desire to act on it. I just don't see this getting any better, I don't know how I'm going to cope with him being around everyday from September, I just feel like I'm losing it. I hate my life and can see no light at the end of the tunnel. All my efforts to remain positive and try enjoy my job are failing. I just want to go home, all I do is cry (it's a struggle sometimes not to at work) but can't quit my job after only 2 weeks after fighting so hard to get it.

 

This post is really long, I'm sorry. I just needed to vent, this is a snippit of what I'm thinking/feeling believe it or not. The bottom line is he don't want to be with me anymore, he can't love me enough/at all if he can just walk away just like that, and after everything I have given to him and the relationship, I just don't know how to let go and feel a fool for not kicking him to the kerb for good before. I know I have to move on, but I really don't know how. My attempts to keep busy are not working. Please help x x :(

[SierraMarie]

Trust is very hard to restore in a relationship. Think about it...if you were with him now you wouldn't be happy because you still wouldn't trust him.

 

I would say stop talking to him completely. And why can't you quit your job? If you're really unhappy, I'd say go for it and go home. You'll feel much better. Then you'll have a month to recuperate before school starts. Plus, you'll be around your friends and family.

[Keelz]

Trust is very hard to restore in a relationship. Think about it...if you were with him now you wouldn't be happy because you still wouldn't trust him.

 

I would say stop talking to him completely. And why can't you quit your job? If you're really unhappy, I'd say go for it and go home. You'll feel much better. Then you'll have a month to recuperate before school starts. Plus, you'll be around your friends and family.

 

Thanks for your reply. On an intellectual level I know exactly what you're saying about trust. I also know it would take a miracle for it to ever work out, because I don't see my ex changing. It's just my heart that is taking some convincing.

 

I really want to quit my job, but I feel like my reasons aren't really valid and I'm just wimping out. It's probably not the job, just my mind-set and my fears. I suppose I would just feel like a right coward, especially as it took so much courage to apply and get the job in the first place. I do need the money unfortunately

[kittensmittens]

Hi Keelz,

 

I can relate to a lot of what you've written. I think probably I should have let my bf go a long time ago and I had trust issues with him too. He was a jerk to me many times and wouldn't take responsibility for himself, and the times he did, I think now it wasn't as sincere as it seemed then. By the time he broke up w/ me (because I confronted him about his lies) he did some pretty ****ty stuff. Never apologized. Instead he had the gaul to keep on blaming me. Still, I miss him like hell. Like yours, mine would tell me how much I meant to him, didn't want to lose me, etc......then I'm dumped. I don't get it either. I don't understand how they let go so easily and we're left here in agony. I think too, though, like you, I'm still hanging on to who he WAS....not who he is now. There are so many things now that I don't like about him, yet I still want him back. It's really difficult.

 

Just keep posting here. I don't have anyone around me really right now either, so this place is really helping me to cope.

 

I would say stop talking to him completely. And why can't you quit your job? If you're really unhappy, I'd say go for it and go home. You'll feel much better. Then you'll have a month to recuperate before school starts. Plus, you'll be around your friends and family.

 

I agree. Can you block him on MSN? Just remember, he let you go, so you have no reason to feel guilty now doing what is best for YOU.

[SierraMarie]

Well, if you didn't need the money, I would tell you to do it anyway. Who cares what people think. Your emotional health is the most important right now.

 

You should still probably not talk to him. You said it only makes you feel worse. You'll see him enough when your classes start anyway.

[Keelz]

Kittensmittens, it felt like I was reading my own story when I read your post. I'm sorry you're going through similar and I hope you feel better soon. Thanks for your kind words, both of you.

 

I don't understand why I'm finding it so hard to pull the plug and ask for him to leave me alone for a while. I think part of me is still dependent on him talking to me...I feel so alone and unhappy right now that I have come to depend on it. Do I tell him I need some space (he is aware that I may do this soon, in the view that I talk to him when I want to and he stops his daily contact) or just stay off MSN and have limited contact? I really don't think he knows what being a friend is anyway, I really don't feel it would bother him too much if I disappeared off the face of the earth. Maybe that's me just being stupid now

[kittensmittens]

Honestly, I think it would be really, really difficult for me not to talk to my ex if he were messaging me everyday. I don't blame you for having difficulty. It just takes immense self-discipline. This breakup has been different from our past breakups in that I know if I reeeeaaally want to talk to him at any point, I CAN pick up the phone and call him since he (initially) invited me to keep in touch w/ him. It's really hard not to at times, but I know it's (hopefully) for the best. You just have to remind yourself constantly it's for the best.

 

If I were you, I would just stay off MSN. I just stopped calling mine. No announcement or explanation. It's really not necessary, because it's for you not him. If he comes around asking questions and is completley unavoidable, then tell him you need space to move on, but otherwise I would just ignore all his calls, emails, and messages.

[funkybassplayer]

Its the contact that is keeping you from moving forward, and while it will be hard to let him go, i think you have to for your own health. I would without a dought leave the job, and i would and have took the time out to look after me, like you should. Also it will give you time to look at your self as well, in that is there any issues on your part? needyness? i dont know, but sometimes after a little me time, things become much more clearer and you can learn alot from what has happened. If you feel eventually that your head is in a better place, maybe in time you may wish to contact him again, or just stay clear, whatever you think will be right for u.

[9Lives]

This is tough and I understand what you are going thru. I can bet you that if you continue to talk to him and stuff....YOU WILL REALLY GET HURT. He is slowly pushing you away and the best thing to do is....LET IT GO.

 

Here's the deal...I have been exactly where you are so I am not putting this out there lightly. I HAVE SUFFERED trying to let go. It has been almost 3 weeks and I have done alot of crying. I love him still and I did not want to let go but I was going to be miserable staying with him. It is just that simple. He knew and I knew....and it is hard. No lie.

 

I would do WHATEVER it takes to feel better and deal with the pain short of doing something destructive. The first two weeks are living hell. FOR REAL.

Spending alot of time alone is way too much. I did but at times I got out and spent time with family and friends just to escape my mind a little bit. I would go home.

 

Once you break some of the attachment to him..who know what will happen but right now you are so attached to someone who is hurting you and it is just best to fall back.

 

I wish you the best cause I dont wish this pain on nobody...NOBODY.

[Keelz]

Thank you to everyone who has replied

 

Funkybassplayer, I've always been someone who is self-aware (not in an egotistical sense) and throughout my relationship with my ex was always evaluating my behaviour and trying to work on my issues (insecurity, neediness etc). However, I think half the problem was that I took the blame too much and made excuses for his behaviour because I didn't want to face facts. I know that now is the ideal time to work through my issues...the thing is, I've had years of counselling and to be honest I've not changed all that much, just feels a bit hopeless to me and I only see this relationship affecting my next one.

 

From the replies it seems the advice is pretty consistent - cut contact! I'm going to find it so hard to do, especially given the fact I am just so depressed right now. I don't know if I am placing pressure on myself here, but am I abnormal for still being so affected by our breakup four months on? It's kind of scaring me how fast time is going, and the more time passes, the more pressure I feel to be OK. How am I going to stop going on MSN? I'm trying to find other things to do, it's hard when you feel like curling up in a ball. Is there anyway I can compromise, e.g. ween myself off of him by reducing my availability as opposed to cold turkey? Or is this just another case of me refusing to take the bull by the horns and get over it?

 

As regards to my job I am really unsure what to do as well. My gut is telling me to stick with it because I need the money and I'd look a complete coward if I quit now. However, with the way I feel, I just want to give up and go home, or at least find an alternate job up here....I'm just not sure if it's the grass is greener on the other side phenomenon coming into play. Ideally, I would not work at all and just go home, but I can't do that

 

P.S I'm only 21 (perhaps a bit old to be wanting to go home? lol) and this was my first proper relationship, I don't know if that explains anything

[funkybassplayer]

I thnk 4 months is not that long, and you should not be too hard, but contact will keep you from moving forward. Maybe you can use a different approch rather than councelling? I have found phycology coaching to be just great as it deals with the bigger picture rather than just you, so you know why he did this or you did that, and you can then work on yourself. I would if i were you take time out to be single, and try to love yourself, as that would be a major step forward. One thing though, is that people who cast bame (my ex did this to me) have their own issues and deep ones of guilt perhaps, and its all too easy to feel responsible for their shortfalls in life. Think about this one, as you could be having feelings of doughting your self worth, but belive i was there, crap place to be, but realise that they cast thier crap on you, and yes your issues came out, but it was not all you, remember that.

[Grace112]

I understand how difficult it is to trust after it's been broken. You're always questioning, you're always wondering, and worst of all, sometimes it feels like you're always waiting for it to happen. My ex cheated on me early on in our relationship. After he broke up with that girl, he returned to me. The next 2 years were a struggle. I was suspicious of every girl he spent too much time talking about or talking to. I felt insecure and unattractive - I was always comparing myself to everyone else. We broke up twice during that period and he slept with 2 girls that I worked with and was suspicious of at the time. When we finally got back together again, he swore he would make it work. We were together for a year, got engaged, and although I still had some trust issues, we made major progress and I truly felt like he loved me. Of course, he points to trust as the reason we broke up for this final time. He called her when I was out to dinner with friends or at the gym. I don't know for certain, but I'm going to place my bet on the fact they hooked up as soon as we were broken up.

 

Bottom line is that you don't want to put yourself through the constant questioning. You don't want to have to worry about what he's doing when he's not around. Life is too short. At least this is what I hear my friends telling me. It's a blessing in disguise.