She ended it last night...

[lovebroke]

My girlfriend of 4 months ended our relationship last night. She said "there is something missing" and that she was afraid she just had too much going on (friends, family and so on) for me to keep up (I am, admittedly, a bit of a homebody).

 

Our relationship goes much beyond the four months - the previous eight months before we started dating, she and I had become close friends. Over the course of the year, she'd become an integral part of my life, my best friend, my companion, my lover. We share everything with eachother, and very much so enjoyed eachother's company. About two weeks ago, we spent a weekend together out of town - a weekend we both described as simply amazing.

 

Last night, the break up, was tough on both of us. We both cried, and we both said he much we loved the other. Today, I was a disaster. I couldn't concentrate at work, simple things would very nearly set me off, and I could barely eat. I've never been like this before. I'm totally bummed out about the situation. Walking out of her house last night was one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. I feel as if I've lost my best friend. The thoughts of never holding her in my arms again, or waking up next to her just put me in an awful place. And I know I shouldn't be thinking of things like that, but I can't help it.

 

This morning, she texted of me just to say she was thinking of me, and called me during the day to say hi. It was sort of like nothing had changed, but everything had really changed. I don't want to read anything into this, and hope that things come back together. I just don't think that's healthy. At the same time, I'm sitting here right now hoping she'll call.

 

Any ways, I guess I thought it'd help to get some things out of me... Any thoughts/comments are always welcome.

 

Take care

Lovebroke

[BlueEyedSarah]

I think it would be best if you go in no contact with this girl to let yourself heal. She may come crawling back realising what she has missed out on when she doesnt hear from you, she will miss you more and curious to know what your up to and if you found someone if you don't answer her calls or reply to her texts.

[lovebroke]

It's been two weeks. Two dreadfully long, sleepless weeks. I thought I'd pop in with an update, hopefully to get some thoughts, but if only it feels thereapeutic.

 

Over the past two weeks, I've been able to do some thinking. I guess I realized a couple of things:

 

1. Our relationship had changed. The infatuation was starting to wear off.

2. I wasn't meeting her needs.

3. I really wish things worked out for the better.

 

In any case, I talked with her today, and told her what I realized, obviously with a little more detail. I explained to her how I thought I wasn't meeting her needs, and it was out of pure stupidity on my fault, and I was ready to start trying.

 

I guess I learned that relationships change...and you have to adapt, which I didn't do. In any case, I told her what I wanted to tell her...and didn't get the desire result. She said she wanted to keep our 'special friendship.' I didn't tell her this part - I think it's time for me to go NC and heal myself and move on.

 

Any ways, hope someone is having better luck than me! I admit, I do feel pretty good after telling her that stuff today - like I am ready to move on. I'm sure I'll have my rough spots though....

 

Take it easy.

 

Lovebroke

[popey]

Sorry to hear things didn't turn out as you wanted, yet glad to hear that your are feeling better about voicing your decision to move on. Now just be careful about one thing. Not saying you need to punish her, but don't let yourself be there for her, as her "special friend" at the expense of you or any other potential relationships. this is important. Good luck. Power to you. and remember, how many have been there. we get ya.

[Lishy]

I feel so sad for you.

 

Why dont we realise things until it is too late?

[oppath]

Who's to say that you weren't meeting her needs. Please don't place to much blame on yourself here. Even if you weren't meeting some of her needs and her interest dropped when the newness wore off, she has an equal responsibility to let you know what her needs are! AND...I'm sure you can identify several areas she wasn't meeting your needs.

 

I know my ex wanted more romance. In that way, perhaps I wasn't meeting her needs. But I was hesitant to be romantic because, well, I started dating her when she ended a 5 year relationship and she insulated me from several of her friends, who were close friends with her ex, because it would be weird for her to deal with. The result was I often felt invisible so while I was extremely invested, I wasn't too expressive about it...I was waiting for signals that she was truly committed to me. I could easily identify 4-5 instances in which I didn't meet her needs, or when she reached out to me (such as asking me to take a foreign language class with her; I said no, that I'd take a different language or an art class with her...what she was asking for was to share part of her life with me and I turned her down), but I could counter those instances with ones where she didn't meet my needs. It was not my fault the relationship didn't work out, and honestly, even if she were to rationalize "you didn't do x y or z," most likely, x y and z would have been excuses that several months later, wouldn't hold up in her own mind. Her feelings changed. That's not necessarily my fault. The foreign language class is a great example -- she was disappointed -- but I offered to find something else we both shared an interest in and was willing to commit to it. I just didn't want to take Japanese. If I had asked her to join my frisbee league she'd say no and not made a counter offer of an activity. I'm trying to illustrate: it was not my fault. Both people fail to meet some needs, and if those needs aren't communicated, you can't take responsibility because you can't read someone's mind.

 

It is not your fault. Even if there were specific things you can identify, it is still not your fault. Both people are responsible for a relationships successes and failures unless something extreme like cheating or abuse is occurring.

[Road Rage]

lovebroke

 

You can`t be down on yourself thinking you weren`t meeting her needs. She said something was missing. Regardless of all the good times you had she wasn`t happy.

 

Some people are just unhappy. No relationship can fix that. I really doubt if you had a chance to do it all over again it would be any different. If you had a time machine,watched the breakup happen and were able to back up two months, you would probably be right were you are now anyway.

 

You are just being yourself. It was not good enough for her. It would have been better to tell her you wish her well rather than start taking blame.

[oppath]

Was she meeting ALL OF YOUR NEEDS? I doubt it. Surely she had flaws you wished were a little bit different, surely there were times she didn't give you exactly what you wanted or needed. Did those things lead you to abandon the relationship? No. No one will meet all of your needs, and it doesn't sound like you behaved in a way that would classify as a dealbreaker. If there were some minor things that you could have done differently, so what! Those things exist in all relationships. In fact we bond through our imperfections, not our perfections. It is honestly the little disagreements, the little needs not met that allow two people to grow closer and be more intimate, because it is those things that when expressed, need to be worked through and people need to make themselves more vulnerable to do it. In any relationship, there will be times when you have to ask for something, and there are going to be times when that something is not met. People become closer because they make the choice to work around those issues, and if those needs are communicated, someone can act on them. You did nothing wrong. It doesn't sound like you were negligent. It sounds like she realized that her feelings for you weren't progressing, and she wanted to be honest with you and break it off instead of continuing to string you on. That does SUCK. But it doesn't sound like it had anything to do with you being a negligent boyfriend.

[Reactor]

I had exactly the same problem with my ex Lovebroke!

 

It sucks, we went out for about the same time as you and your ex. Same sort of thing, she was the light in my life (I was having a hard time at Uni, really stressing myself etc) we'd spend hours talking about nothing and everything.

 

But it all changed, I hadn't been myself and she came back from holiday and said 'I wasn't talkative enough over the phone, sociable enough with her friends (I only met them once!) etc'. I felt broken inside.

 

This was a week before my final exams. Unlike you, I patched it up with her, but nothing changed, I just got more clingy (because of all the stress I was under I think) and she got more distant. In the end she ended the relationship over the phone once she went home.

 

Now here I am, 3 months later almost over 'her' I still think about her everyday (now and then) and hoped things could've of been different. I too, like you, blamed myself, when she said I wasn't sociable enough, didn't devote enough time to her, was on my computer too much. I tried to tell her why I had to spend time on my degree instead of her and why I played those 'stupid computer games', what was her answer? 'I don't understand'.

 

DO NOT blame yourself, you did everything you could to keep the relationship alive. You did everything in your power to make it 'work'. Unfortunatly it seems just like my ex, she got to the 4 month boundary and thought 'I don't want to be in this relationship' whatever the reason was. For my ex, we discussed it and determined it was because she hadn't let go of her ex-boyfriend of 2 years and that she was afraid of being hurt again. She determined she was better off alone so she could fix herself.

 

I don't know why your ex doesn't want to be with you anymore, really it doesn't matter. But I sugguest you write down her bad points (she will have some) and keep saying them over to yourself in your head when you think of her. It wasn't your fault she decided she didn't want to be with you, thats her loss, not yours you did everything in your power to make it work with this girl, remember that!

 

Finally, now is the time to find solice in friends, or by doing whatever makes you happy. Watch a funny film, go out with mates (don't get drunk, or do, your choice) and put back into yourself all that you gave out. Eventually the pain gets less and less and you can go back to a semi-normal existance.

 

You can never forget that person, but you can get over them, I'm not 100% over my ex, but one day I will be and I will be a stronger person as a result of all this pain.

 

Just quickly, some tips for getting over her:

 

- Go no contact and try and stay that way

- Put away anything that reminds you of her into a box and stash it somewhere, clear her from your life.

- Go out with friends, cinema, bowling, clubbing whatever floats your boat.

- Take up a sport, a hobby, re-invent yourself!

 

Thats it, also take solice in the fact that everyone goes through this, and we all feel worthless, like the reason it all ended was our fault (especially as the dumped) but it wasn't! If anything it was the other persons fault, because they couldn't come to love us for who we are!

 

Regards,

Reactor

[lovebroke]

Thanks for all the words of support. I have to admit, I was doing well today...until now. I started gathering up her things that she left around my apartment...and now I'm a mess.

 

I'm definitely not blaming myself, and I do know there were a couple of things that I could've done better that I think would've made a difference. You're all right, though, it doesn't matter now.

 

This is tough. I keep reminding myself not to think about her. One minute I'm okay...next I'm a disaster...

[Curious139]

My sympathies, it is hard to accept such a sudden change to your life. I can't say I've got to acceptance yet myself after almost 2 months but everyone is different.

 

I endorse Reactors advice about no contact. You need the time and space to heal emotionally.

[Reactor]

Lovebroke, your positive attitude is good. And trust me the 'Ok one minute, feeling and rubbish the next' happens to us all. It takes a long time to subside, I still have it now and again!

 

Strangely it got to its height arount a month and a half after the breakup, after I had finished my degree and had nothing left to 'worry' about. I felt really bad, everyday I would wake up and think of her, eugh! I felt so bad I broke the NC I had initiated and contacted her - bad move, she didn't even reply to my e-mail. I guess it gave me the closure I was looking for.

 

You'll probably do the same, all I can say is, stay strong. A lot of people will say 'Don't contact her and you'll get her back.' Rubbish! This isn't about getting her back, this is about getting over her and moving on with life. As Curious says, its very hard to accept that someone who was there with you for such a long period of time (in my case my girlfriend and myself were almost living together) all of a sudden decides to up and leave.

 

We can blame everything, but eventually/usually we blame ourselves. The truth is, that sure we all make mistakes in relationships, but would it really of been any different? At the end of the day we can't fix everything! Take this as a sign, a sign to be more sociable, to take up a new hobby, get lots of friends.

 

Trust me, its what I intend to do! But first of course you need to heal, that will take a long time. I usually say for every month you were together thats a month you'll spend mourning her loss. Not always though, some people get it out the way very quickly. If you are having a really hard time, take some time off work and go visit family or lose relatives. Talk to them about it, talk about it till you're blue in the face and bored with the subject! Then you'll know its finally over.

 

And remember! Don't beat yourself up about it! That will do nothing but destroy your self confidence and endanger any future relationships you will have.

 

Best of luck!

Reactor

[lovebroke]

Hi again all. Just back with a quick update.

 

We talked a bit on Thursday, more about our relationship. She said one of the things that bothered her most was that we're just different people. She's more of the extrovert, I guess, and I'm more of the introvert. I don't know...she's probably right, when it comes down to it, but the issues she brought up just don't seem insurmontable (spellign?) to me. She seems confident in her decision, though, and that's what makes me know reconciliation isn't going to happen. We ended it with a nice hug...still frustrating to me. I love her.

 

I've been good since then, though. We last talked on Thursday, and I haven't even tried to contact her since then. I've been doing okay all weekend..up until now. Instead of reaching out to her, I thought I'd throw another message up on here. Thi is tough. Thanks for the support, everyone.

 

lovebroke

[Trialbyfire]

lovebroke, if you weren't meeting her needs, she should have voiced them previous to ending the relationship. In this, she has failed to communicate. You cannot be expected to uphold the entire emotional aspect of the relationship by knowing intuitively what she needed.